Who Should Move?

HorrorChix89

Dun dun dun!!!! The time I ask for relationship advice on MFP is the time I have absolutely nothing better to do with my time as I count down 120 minutes until I can eat this freaking candy bar!

So here's the question with a little background:

Me and my boyfriend have been dating since August and he's all in love with me and all that mushy stuff. We talked about what would happen if we got married and started a family. Well I'm 22 with an 8 year old son. I live with my mother, step-father, two sisters, and of course my son. We're all crammed into this three bedroom, one bath house. I'm going to school and next semester I'll be starting my major in Film full-time. I don't work and spend most of my day either working out or playing on my laptop.

He's 34, living alone in an apartment. Only family I know about are his parents, brother and nephew. I'm pretty sure he mentioned more relatives but I usually tune out (bad habit of mien, I do it to everyone...). Anyway, he's a bar tender at a restaurant, he works concert and private security for musical artists, and he's an insurance salesman. He has friends that he goes out with on rare occasions, usually he just works, eats (if he remembers to eat), sleeps, and then spends all his free time on his computer.

We live over 600 miles apart and only see each other 1 week out of each month. He wants me to move up there and live with him. I wouldn't mind moving but my mother said it's too far from the family and joked that I'm not allowed to take my son away from her. I do have a LOT of family down here including my younger brother is pretty much depends on me when our mother says "No". Also I have a son and moving him up there would mean new school, new friends, new doctor, new everything.

I think my boyfriend has less to lose moving down here with me. He can get a job anywhere and even sale insurance anywhere. Plus we have tons of concerts here if he wants to do that. Housing isn't that much and we can get a nice apartment for almost half of what he's paying. I don't know maybe I'm just being selfish, childish, and whatever else you can think of.

What do you guys think? Who should move? And don't get offended or get all huffy at me. This is merely just a post out of boredom and curiosity.

christine24t

Just curious - how did you meet? Did you meet locally and then he moved? Or was it online?

msnewbootie

It appears there are pros and cons to either one of you moving....while he may not have as much family, he appears to be settled in with his career, and vice versa for you! So, this is something you too are just gonna have to come to an agreement on. But, definitely consider visiting more frequently before making a sound decision!

HorrorChix89

It was online, on a game actually. I was getting ready to kill him and his entire alliance! :laugh:

No jk, but it was on an MMORTS

swilk627

It actually sounds like you personally have the least to lose since you don't have any daytime obligations. As a parent, though, I'd have to do what's in the best interest of my child. I'd also get a job - I'd be so bored doing nothing during the day!

HorrorChix89

It appears there are pros and cons to either one of you moving....while he may not have as much family, he appears to be settled in with his career, and vice versa for you! So, this is something you too are just gonna have to come to an agreement on. But, definitely consider visiting more frequently before making a sound decision!

I'm planning to live with him for a good part of the summer. I'm going to drive instead of fly so I can bring my son with me and back home if my mother misses him too much. I just asked because he's been bugging me about moving up there and when I told him to come down here he got all upset that I was having doubts and blah blah blah

agwilker

I know someone who was thinking about something similar, so I'll tell you what happened to her. My best friend from high school got divorced sometime last year and she has 2 kids, a 6 year old and a 1 year old. So she moved backed to this area and lived with her mom. Somehow or another she met a guy and they started dating. Although the distance isn't as far as yours (compare 60 mi to 600), apparently it was enough to make her think about moving up to his city to be near him.
So she's been living there for less than 6 months, the relationship is turning sour and she's stuck in a city with no one she knows but him.
I would definitely not go if I was you, you're right in that he has less to lose. You need support from people you know, especially since you have a child. If he's serious about you, he'll move.

jenna715

If neither of you want to move, find someone local. You cant be mad at him, and he cant be mad at you for not wanting to up root. Personally I think the one with the job should stay put, its too hard to find jobs these days. Also, just because he has "less" family than you doesn't mean they're just as important.

shvits

With a kid.....no ring, no go. Too much stress for children. My son always came first, he is spoiled, but that is the way I like it. He is engaged to a wonderful woman. I live in a big city and life can be wild here, but kids come first if you don't want to mess up their emotional growth and their opinion of women. Being a single parent is really hard, but it pays off in the long run. Keep the guy as a lover until he is willing to really put down roots with you and your child.

christine24t

I think he has less to lose than you do, considering you have a small child to worry about. You also have to keep in mind what the poster above me said, about being stuck in an unfamiliar place if you were to break up.

Also keep this in mind - nobody will regret slowing things down, but people regret moving too fast.

rockerbabyy

i met my husband online - i lived in utah and he lived in seattle. we both visited the other for a few weeks before we decided who would move where. i worked for IRS and lived with my mom - he lived with friends and worked at a grocery store. i had tons of family in town and he just had his parents...
i ended up moving to seattle and we got our own place together. its just something i was willing to do - i love my family but they can be extremely overwhelming and i needed to get away lol we try to go out to utah every year or so to visit and take our kids to see family, and they understand that sometimes it just cant be budgeted in but its part of growing up and moving on

i_love_vinegar

I know someone who was thinking about something similar, so I'll tell you what happened to her. My best friend from high school got divorced sometime last year and she has 2 kids, a 6 year old and a 1 year old. So she moved backed to this area and lived with her mom. Somehow or another she met a guy and they started dating. Although the distance isn't as far as yours (compare 60 mi to 600), apparently it was enough to make her think about moving up to his city to be near him.
So she's been living there for less than 6 months, the relationship is turning sour and she's stuck in a city with no one she knows but him.
I would definitely not go if I was you, you're right in that he has less to lose. You need support from people you know, especially since you have a child. If he's serious about you, he'll move.

I feel creepy because I just told her she has great advice, but I have to say it again -- this girl really knows what she is talking about!

I agree, you need the people you love around you (not just your boyfriend and son).

birdieintx

Honestly? I wouldn't move in with someone I was dating for only a few months and seen about seven times or so. Especially since you have a child. What if it doesn't work out when you're not only spending more time together but day in and day out? Where is the stability in that for your child? And from your second post I'm even more concerned that you weren't able to express your concerns about it without him using them to manipulate you. To me, that would be a red flag.

I would continue living where you are. If your living quarters are cramped try getting a job while going to school and consider moving out or helping contribute to your family income where you all could move to something larger. See where the relationship goes with more time spent together and reasses later.

HorrorChix89

It actually sounds like you personally have the least to lose since you don't have any daytime obligations. As a parent, though, I'd have to do what's in the best interest of my child. I'd also get a job - I'd be so bored doing nothing during the day!

I do stuff during the day.

6am I'm fighting with my son to get him ready for school
8am I'm taking my 14 year old sister to the bus stop or driving her to school if she misses the bus
9am-2pm I'm either doing homework or in class
2:50pm I'm picking up my son and 10 year old sister from the bus stop
3pm -5pm I'm watching all 3 kids until my mother gets home from work, then I head to the gym or take a nap
9pm I'm getting my son ready for bed
11pm I'm still doing homework or I'm passed out

He on the other hand sleeps from 1am or 2am until noon the next day, jumps online long enough to whine about not being as great as me on the game we play together, then realizes he should probably get ready of work.
4pm-10pm/11pm/12am he's at his bartender job flirting with MILFs, cougars and college girls to get tips while making everyone around him laugh until they choke on their beer

He only does security IF there's a concert going on that he actually wants to work. And the insurance thing...he hasn't sold anything since we met and hasn't been to a meeting in months.

Switty_Kitty

I can totally relate. My fiance is about 900miles away. I have two kids and live with my father.

Anyways....I think the best thing to do it to ask him what he thinks about moving into your neck of the woods. If you mean that much to him, it will be apparent.

Best of luck.

HorrorChix89

Thanks for all the replies, like I said it was really out of curiosity. I do plan to go up there for the summer, and I have talked to him about slowing down (which to him means "second thoughts"). I told him that I need my family and friends. I'm a big momma girl and I love my son and siblings. I'm not trying to make it seem like he has less to lose than I do, just who would be more hurt emotionally by the move?

Maybe hurt isn't the word but it sounds right in my head.

Fattack

From what you have said, both of you have things to "lose" by moving. Yes, you have college. He, however, has a job, and leaving a job in this climate is not smart unless you have another one guaranteed to go into. I'm also guessing that you've never lived alone, so it would be a big emotional thing for you to move in with him. Regardless, if you have only been dating a few months, it's too early to be even thinking about either of you moving, especially when there is a child involved. If you care about each other, you'll wait until it is a good time.

And this is coming from somebody who also met her boyfriend on an MMO. I recently emigrated to the Netherlands from the UK, we'd been dating 2 years when I made the move. I'd lost my job so I had nothing to really lose apart from my family, who I do miss a lot. But living with my honey makes it worthwhile.

qtiekiki

It appears there are pros and cons to either one of you moving....while he may not have as much family, he appears to be settled in with his career, and vice versa for you! So, this is something you too are just gonna have to come to an agreement on. But, definitely consider visiting more frequently before making a sound decision!

I agree with this. My husband and I were 400 miles apart. I ended up moving to his city because he had a job and a house, and I just graduated and didn't t find a job in my field yet. I did and still miss my family, but I have MY family now.

Lolli1986

Well, i think there's already an obvious problem with him getting sooky about you even bringing up the option of him moving to your town. He expects you to up and leave your folks for him, but cries about the thought of doing that for you? Dodgy. Especially after only a few months.

Bartending jobs aren't exactly the hardest job to find... and it's not like his mum relies on him to pick up his son and sister from school and care for them in the afternoon.

I personally think he's being extremely demanding to expect you to move to a different town, and I think it's ridiculous that he is cool with crying about the idea of moving to your town. I don't mean to attack him, but sounds selfish to me.

annie7hudds

My advice - don't make any decisions for at least a year.

You are (compared to me!) quite young. I have been a single parent - and know how tough it is having to sort out childcare for those times before and after school, evenings etc. You have your family there to help. If you move to be with your BF then you won't have that support network.

If you just hold fire- wait and see how things pan out - you wont' lose anything. If he is committed to being with you he will either wait, or suggest moving to be nearer you.

it would be dififcult to sort things out ifyou moved you and your son to be with him -and then things didn't work out. It isn't fair on the child is it? I thought long and hard before moving in with my fiancee ~(he is now myhusband) as I didn't want to unsettle my son.

Good luck - but please just think about it - and wait.

x

jodee_donavan

have him put a ring on it before you do anything.
you have a child- who must be priority-

Carl01

Please take a deep breath and look at your life as it exists now before making any decision.
You are 22 with an 8 year old child,having a baby at 14 can never be considered an ideal set of circumstances,I am not being judgmental it just is a fact.
Fortunately you have loving and supportive parents to help with this and you are by the sounds making the attempt to find a career.

Finish your education,am not sure what opportunities you have for your major but find out,make sure you can exist with your child on your own before you enter into a situation with someone that you don`t know all that well yet.
Certainly it is possible to have a life long relationship but it is also possible you could find yourself being 28 with a 14 year old,a 5 year old and a 40 year old guy looking for another 22 year old lady.
Not saying it is inevitable,he could be a fine man for all I know but have to say as an observer reading your story there is much that sounds troubling about it.

Do you know without a doubt at this point what type of step father he will be to your child?
So much to consider and just feel at this point you moving that distance to be with a person you have limited contact with will be a disaster.
If he wants to move closer to you so that you can begin to determine what life is really like with him then that is good,otherwise in my opinion stay put and try to organize your life.
You have many years ahead of you,make sure they are good ones for you and your child.

ladylu11

As a mom, your child has to come FIRST! Before you! and before the BF! I have three kids (they are all in college now) but I have spent the last 24 years making decisions that put their best interest ahead of my own. Once kids come into your life, it is not about you anymore!

HorrorChix89

Somethings I want to point out

1. this wasn't meant to be a thread opened for people older than me to preach about how young I am (I know it's a public forum and people will always do the exact opposite of what you ask :laugh: ) I heard it all before and will continue to hear it

2. I'm not planning to make a move ANY time soon. Like I stated before I was bored and decided to ask, so don't worry I'm not going to do anything stupid...at least not just yet

3. No matter what happens my son will come first which is the #1 reason I don't want to just pack up and move. My son would need a new school, leave his friends and family, have to adapt to a new lifestyle, and all that other stuff that comes to mind when a child is uprooted from their "normal" life.

He's my boyfriend. It's a long distance relationship and we're getting through it best we can. Yes he asked me to marry him back in October I think...I told him WAIT he head NO and then got all depressed for two full days. I'm paying attention to every little detail and keeping my guard up. Don't worry, I'm not as dumb as some of you might think I am. Things are good right now and if they stay that way then we'll see where it leads. If things go sour, well being 600 miles apart will make the break up just a tad bit easier than living in the same city.

Okay I'm done rambling for now. Carry on with your advice, I am taking it all to heart, honestly.

tinlee

Maybe instead of thinking about a permanent move you guys could spend the summer together. 3 months is a pretty long time to live together and you could get an idea if you're truly compatible.

HorrorChix89

Yeah I was planning to go up there for a good part of the summer. Possible get a part time job and see how life is with him. Plus since my son will be out of school I can drive up there with him and then bring him back home if he misses my mother or his friends.