Respect
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My mother & i have been getting into it really bad lately. It honestly all started when she got drunk and was texting while driving. I didnt think she was drunk at all, i asked her if she was okay to drive and she told me to shut the hell up, shes an adult..Ok mom? She almost drove us off a cliff (not being dramatic..like literally almost drove us off a cliff.) & i told her to stop texting while driving and to pull over & we were calling someone to come get us...She told me to "Shut the f^@k up you f^*king b!tch".... oh alright?
Ever since then its gone kind of down hill. i lost A LOT of respect for her even though she is my mother. i tried talking to her about it one day & she thought it was hilarious that she said that to me while she was drunk.
Long long long story semi short...shes struggling right now with bills & her house. ive been living in her apartment downstairs from her house trying to help her out a little bit & pay her. I honestly cant take it anymore though. She asked to see my paychecks.. so she can 'determine' how much she should get from rent for me.
Mind you the house is very small, theres a leak every time it rains or snows, & theres mold starting to form in my daughters room! so she has been sleeping upstairs because i dont know what kind of mold/if its dangerous. She wants 500 a month from me. Not only am i only 21 years old, with a daughter (im not blaming anyone & it was my choice to keep my daughter) i dont have my college degree yet, (also my fault but working on it!) im a receptionist & the money i make has to go to my bills, & my daughter! i could afford to give her 500, but if im paying 500 i want a lot more space & i want a clean..healthy house to live in.
I guess i just wanted to vent & to see what you guys would do if you were in a similar situation. :ohwell:
Ever since then its gone kind of down hill. i lost A LOT of respect for her even though she is my mother. i tried talking to her about it one day & she thought it was hilarious that she said that to me while she was drunk.
Long long long story semi short...shes struggling right now with bills & her house. ive been living in her apartment downstairs from her house trying to help her out a little bit & pay her. I honestly cant take it anymore though. She asked to see my paychecks.. so she can 'determine' how much she should get from rent for me.
Mind you the house is very small, theres a leak every time it rains or snows, & theres mold starting to form in my daughters room! so she has been sleeping upstairs because i dont know what kind of mold/if its dangerous. She wants 500 a month from me. Not only am i only 21 years old, with a daughter (im not blaming anyone & it was my choice to keep my daughter) i dont have my college degree yet, (also my fault but working on it!) im a receptionist & the money i make has to go to my bills, & my daughter! i could afford to give her 500, but if im paying 500 i want a lot more space & i want a clean..healthy house to live in.
I guess i just wanted to vent & to see what you guys would do if you were in a similar situation. :ohwell:
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Replies
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There comes a time in your life when you have to look after you. If there is anyway you could leave, I would. You are not responsible for your mom no matter how hard it is. She will not change if she knows she has you to take care of things.
We all know people need to hit rock bottom before they change and even then most don't, but you don't have to live your life subjected to it. Maybe you could find another place and a room mate to help with the rent. Use that time to take night classes and get a degree. If you stay you are just enabling her.0 -
double post0
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My mother & i have been getting into it really bad lately. It honestly all started when she got drunk and was texting while driving. I didnt think she was drunk at all, i asked her if she was okay to drive and she told me to shut the hell up, shes an adult..Ok mom? She almost drove us off a cliff (not being dramatic..like literally almost drove us off a cliff.) & i told her to stop texting while driving and to pull over & we were calling someone to come get us...She told me to "Shut the f^@k up you f^*king b!tch".... oh alright?
Ever since then its gone kind of down hill. i lost A LOT of respect for her even though she is my mother. i tried talking to her about it one day & she thought it was hilarious that she said that to me while she was drunk.
Long long long story semi short...shes struggling right now with bills & her house. ive been living in her apartment downstairs from her house trying to help her out a little bit & pay her. I honestly cant take it anymore though. She asked to see my paychecks.. so she can 'determine' how much she should get from rent for me.
Mind you the house is very small, theres a leak every time it rains or snows, & theres mold starting to form in my daughters room! so she has been sleeping upstairs because i dont know what kind of mold/if its dangerous. She wants 500 a month from me. Not only am i only 21 years old, with a daughter (im not blaming anyone & it was my choice to keep my daughter) i dont have my college degree yet, (also my fault but working on it!) im a receptionist & the money i make has to go to my bills, & my daughter! i could afford to give her 500, but if im paying 500 i want a lot more space & i want a clean..healthy house to live in.
I guess i just wanted to vent & to see what you guys would do if you were in a similar situation. :ohwell:
Personally, I think that you have every right to a clean and healthy environment for you and your daughter. And I feel that, as a grandparent, she should be both respectful and caring enough to want to give you guys that at a low costing rent. I'd even go as far as to ask her to see the amount of bills, what her total costs are, and then split it down the middle to see what your half would be. If you can't afford it, give her the price that you are willing to pay if 500 is way too much. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to.....I see it as you choosing to help her out rather than going out to find something that is much more suitable that you can afford. So basically, she's the one that needs your help.
As far as the drinking goes.........I'd get help. I am sorry she wouldn't listen to you, but it sounds severe enough for an intervention of some type even if it might be just you and one other person (a proffesional who can help). If there are others around you who see the dangers that you do about her drinking, then of course invite them. Your Mom is choosing to run from this, not to face it and when it comes to harming your safety? I am sorry, something has to be done.0 -
Well i didnt mention that she smoked 2 packs of cigarettes a day. (around $400 a mo), She MUST have the best cable with DVR, showtime, & whatever other channels there are (because she cannot miss her shows), & she needs verizon cell phones instead of going to a cheaper service like sprint.
She couldnt get approved to put the cable in her name because she owes Verizon a cable box..so i told her she could put it in my name & now she is ruining my credit. Its like i love my mother to death, but i cant keep letting her run me into the hole with her :frown: Im just so confused at what to do. I dont want my mom to fall on her face but i also cant fall on mine.0 -
There comes a time in your life when you have to look after you. If there is anyway you could leave, I would. You are not responsible for your mom no matter how hard it is. She will not change if she knows she has you to take care of things.
We all know people need to hit rock bottom before they change and even then most don't, but you don't have to live your life subjected to it. Maybe you could find another place and a room mate to help with the rent. Use that time to take night classes and get a degree. If you stay you are just enabling her.
I really love this advice, thank you.0 -
There comes a time in your life when you have to look after you. If there is anyway you could leave, I would. You are not responsible for your mom no matter how hard it is. She will not change if she knows she has you to take care of things.
We all know people need to hit rock bottom before they change and even then most don't, but you don't have to live your life subjected to it. Maybe you could find another place and a room mate to help with the rent. Use that time to take night classes and get a degree. If you stay you are just enabling her.
I really love this advice, thank you.
Love this advice too.......better than my own
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I am sorry you are in this situation. I advise you to try counseling for yourself. Or perhaps go to ALANON or ACOA meetings. (free support groups for people who love an alcoholic & adult children of alcoholics) It might help you put your situation into perspective and help you not feel alone. You can't change other people but you can help yourself and change how you react to them.
When deciding whether to move or not think about your child. Is this living environment in her best interest? Is being around her grandmother good for her? Is you being around your mother good for your daughter? Answer those questions and it will most likely become clear what you shoudl do.
Best of luck to you!0 -
There comes a time in your life when you have to look after you. If there is anyway you could leave, I would. You are not responsible for your mom no matter how hard it is. She will not change if she knows she has you to take care of things.
We all know people need to hit rock bottom before they change and even then most don't, but you don't have to live your life subjected to it. Maybe you could find another place and a room mate to help with the rent. Use that time to take night classes and get a degree. If you stay you are just enabling her.
really well said0 -
There comes a time in your life when you have to look after you. If there is anyway you could leave, I would. You are not responsible for your mom no matter how hard it is. She will not change if she knows she has you to take care of things.
We all know people need to hit rock bottom before they change and even then most don't, but you don't have to live your life subjected to it. Maybe you could find another place and a room mate to help with the rent. Use that time to take night classes and get a degree. If you stay you are just enabling her.
This! And call the cable company and find a way to cancel the account that's in your name... do it as soon as you can.0 -
She couldnt get approved to put the cable in her name because she owes Verizon a cable box..so i told her she could put it in my name & now she is ruining my credit. Its like i love my mother to death, but i cant keep letting her run me into the hole with her
You can't let her drag you down. It's one thing to help where you can, but to ruin yourself is far too much. I would get rid of the cable right away, first of all.
It's hard saying no to family members - I've had to do it before, too. But if they have bad credit, there's a reason for that. Signing them on your name, when you can't absorb the cost should they fail to pay, is a recipe for disaster. You can't let her drag you down. Especially with your daughter, and with the possibility of finishing school, you've got too many other things to worry about.0 -
Well i didnt mention that she smoked 2 packs of cigarettes a day. (around $400 a mo), She MUST have the best cable with DVR, showtime, & whatever other channels there are (because she cannot miss her shows), & she needs verizon cell phones instead of going to a cheaper service like sprint.
She couldnt get approved to put the cable in her name because she owes Verizon a cable box..so i told her she could put it in my name & now she is ruining my credit. Its like i love my mother to death, but i cant keep letting her run me into the hole with her :frown: Im just so confused at what to do. I dont want my mom to fall on her face but i also cant fall on mine.
I just saw this - oh dear, please do not let her ruin your credit at this young of an age!! Or, at any age for that matter. Put a stop to this immediately. It isn't your fault if she isn't responsible. She clearly has discretionary income (for cigs and the like) and it's her responsibility to spend it wisely. Also, I get so sick of people acting like cable is a necessity!!! It isn't! I am struggling financially right now (unemployed but searching - and I am educated/have a great resume of work - THIS economy sucks!); however, when working I was very responsible, saved a lot and accumulated no debt. Therefore, I am making it. But, I don't have cable or a smart phone or A LOT of other things I want. It just isn't responsible.
Your credit will be very important to you one day. Take control now! Good luck!0 -
Also, cancel that cable box right away, and contact Verizon about it if there's an outstanding balance. If you owe money right now but can't pay it all up front, many places will be understanding and not report you to credit bureaus if you work with them to come up with a plan to pay it back.
You might even consider just paying it yourself (seriously, don't let your mom ruin your credit just because it should be her responsibility!) and then deduct that amount from what you're paying her in rent.0 -
The biggest thing holding my back from just leaving & making her fend for herself is the rest of my family. Even though its wrong, i feel like they will all be angry with me & blame me. Everyone takes care of my mother. They give her money for her bills & they take her grocery shopping. Everyone helps her.
And they also help me too, last week my car broke down..i had the money to pay for it but my grandmother just paid it before i even got to the shop. They are just like that they help. Sometimes (i feel so selfish & rude saying this) I feel like shes 42 years old, she should have her life together somewhat by now right? I'm 21 & i feel like i cant even begin my life because im helping her pick up the pieces of hers,0 -
Well i didnt mention that she smoked 2 packs of cigarettes a day. (around $400 a mo), She MUST have the best cable with DVR, showtime, & whatever other channels there are (because she cannot miss her shows), & she needs verizon cell phones instead of going to a cheaper service like sprint.
She couldnt get approved to put the cable in her name because she owes Verizon a cable box..so i told her she could put it in my name & now she is ruining my credit. Its like i love my mother to death, but i cant keep letting her run me into the hole with her :frown: Im just so confused at what to do. I dont want my mom to fall on her face but i also cant fall on mine.
I just saw this - oh dear, please do not let her ruin your credit at this young of an age!! Or, at any age for that matter. Put a stop to this immediately. It isn't your fault if she isn't responsible. She clearly has discretionary income (for cigs and the like) and it's her responsibility to spend it wisely. Also, I get so sick of people acting like cable is a necessity!!! It isn't! I am struggling financially right now (unemployed but searching - and I am educated/have a great resume of work - THIS economy sucks!); however, when working I was very responsible, saved a lot and accumulated no debt. Therefore, I am making it. But, I don't have cable or a smart phone or A LOT of other things I want. It just isn't responsible.
Your credit will be very important to you one day. Take control now! Good luck!
Love this advice!! And also, good luck out there........you will find a job soon! I know it!! I myself had just found a job in January......took me from October all the way into January to find it! And thank God I did and found something I REALLY like!! I will keep you in my prayers and please let us all know how you are doing!!0 -
Coming from a single mom...
Try not to feel like you "owe" it to your mom to help her out. It sounds like she is living beyond her means. If you are paying rent to her, she should provide you with a safe clean place to live. Your daughter deserves that.
There are many programs out there to help out single parents. It might require a paycut (not too difficult if you attend school full time and work part time like me) but you can have daycare paid for and school paid for.
Don't feel like you are stuck! You want your mom to be a good role model, and right now she isn't.0 -
The biggest thing holding my back from just leaving & making her fend for herself is the rest of my family. Even though its wrong, i feel like they will all be angry with me & blame me. Everyone takes care of my mother. They give her money for her bills & they take her grocery shopping. Everyone helps her.
If they're that focused on helping you and your mother, they will understand. You can't keep your daughter in an unsafe house and ruin your own credit because you're afraid of them. If they help you as much as you say, it's because they care about you and want the best for you.
Maybe even talk it over with your grandma first? Maybe she'd have ideas, or at the very least, support.0 -
I've been there with my mother before, but it was before I had kids. All I can say to you, is she will either grow up or she won't. It's not up to you to take care of her. She is YOUR MOTHER, not the other way around. She is supposed to be providing support for you! (this I mean in an emotional mother/daughter relationship way)
I wish you the best of luck. If you want to add me, please do so.0 -
There comes a time in your life when you have to look after you. If there is anyway you could leave, I would. You are not responsible for your mom no matter how hard it is. She will not change if she knows she has you to take care of things.
We all know people need to hit rock bottom before they change and even then most don't, but you don't have to live your life subjected to it. Maybe you could find another place and a room mate to help with the rent. Use that time to take night classes and get a degree. If you stay you are just enabling her.
really well said
I concur.. you have your daughter that needs to be your main focus, as mentioned above your mother will not change till she is ready to.0 -
I've been there with my mother before, but it was before I had kids. All I can say to you, is she will either grow up or she won't. It's not up to you to take care of her. She is YOUR MOTHER, not the other way around. She is supposed to be providing support for you! (this I mean in an emotional mother/daughter relationship way)
I wish you the best of luck. If you want to add me, please do so.
Thats how i keep feeling. She says she doesnt agree with some of my decisions & ive told her i dont agree with some of hers. I guess the real problem is she wants to be my friend when its convenient for her but then turn into mother when she feels like it. The first 2 years i lived there i was buying the groceries & paying her 400 a month. When i had my daughther i had to go back parttime to work cutting my pay in half. So i was buying groceries & only paying her 200 a month but i also kept the house spotless everyday (my mom is not so clean) but now that im back Full Time i have less time to clean. So when i come home at 5pm and the house is disgusting i really just want to leave & spend time with my daughter. I know its just me being stupid & not wanting to really help her but i feel like she should keep her house clean also. She doesnt go to work until 11. So why when you wake up at 8 do you not have time to clean in those 3 hours.
:explode: i get more angry thinking about the whole thing lol
Thank you for all your answers though, youve all been a ton of help!0 -
You are 21, an adult, with adult responsibilities. You shouldn't rely on your mom, or anyone for anything. If you don't like it there leave. Can you live anywhere else for 500 a month? If not she's obviously doing you a favor by letting you stay there weather you pay rent or not. You should just be grateful you're not homeless and maybe fix your own living quarters so it is suitable. It sounds like your mom feels like you are taking advantage of her.My mother & i have been getting into it really bad lately. It honestly all started when she got drunk and was texting while driving. I didnt think she was drunk at all, i asked her if she was okay to drive and she told me to shut the hell up, shes an adult..Ok mom? She almost drove us off a cliff (not being dramatic..like literally almost drove us off a cliff.) & i told her to stop texting while driving and to pull over & we were calling someone to come get us...She told me to "Shut the f^@k up you f^*king b!tch".... oh alright?
Ever since then its gone kind of down hill. i lost A LOT of respect for her even though she is my mother. i tried talking to her about it one day & she thought it was hilarious that she said that to me while she was drunk.
Long long long story semi short...shes struggling right now with bills & her house. ive been living in her apartment downstairs from her house trying to help her out a little bit & pay her. I honestly cant take it anymore though. She asked to see my paychecks.. so she can 'determine' how much she should get from rent for me.
Mind you the house is very small, theres a leak every time it rains or snows, & theres mold starting to form in my daughters room! so she has been sleeping upstairs because i dont know what kind of mold/if its dangerous. She wants 500 a month from me. Not only am i only 21 years old, with a daughter (im not blaming anyone & it was my choice to keep my daughter) i dont have my college degree yet, (also my fault but working on it!) im a receptionist & the money i make has to go to my bills, & my daughter! i could afford to give her 500, but if im paying 500 i want a lot more space & i want a clean..healthy house to live in.
I guess i just wanted to vent & to see what you guys would do if you were in a similar situation. :ohwell:
My mom let my older sister move in with her baby, 25 years later she still cant make it on her own. and now her daughter, husband and children are living with my mom. My mom is so nice, and would never leave anyone out in the cold. But i can see she's doing more harm than good by letting them all live there. it's so sad.
You can do this! There are so many young single parents out there making it on their own. Do it for yourself, do it for your baby.0
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