How do you help your brain catch up with the rest of you?

CoryIda

I have shed a massive amount of weight and I've gotten fit and healthy and that is great, but I still have a really hard time with confidence.

I am confident about what I can *do* but completely ashamed of how I *look* even though I know logically that I shouldn't feel this way anymore. I have worked hard enough that all of the superficial appearance things shouldn't matter, but they do.

I always have had crappy self-esteem and, chances are, I am always going to struggle with it to some extent.

That being said, I don't want to just accept that I am always going to be ashamed of my appearance.
I *really* want to get better.

I've gotten some really good advice, but it's not really helping lately.

This is the most helpful tip I've heard:
* Find something every day that you can do now or see in yourself that you couldn't do/see before

The problem is, it just isn't doing the trick. Does anyone have any other ideas to add?


**Note: this post is NOT to fish for compliments, just to get ideas about how I can improve the way I view myself, so I am looking for ideas based maybe on what has worked for you?

thedreamhazer

Bumping for later. Maybe later I'll have an idea to share, but for now I'm just hoping to piggyback and get some tips myself.

AnaNotBanana

One thing that always helps me is when I start speaking negatively to myself is to stop and think "What would I say to a friend that was in my position right now?" I would never speak to my friends in a negative way so I shouldn't speak to myself that way. It's definitely easier said than done though.

LorinaLynn

First off, you know I think you're absolutely gorgeous!

But I think it just takes time, and I think everyone has a warped perspective of how they look, for better or worse. I was thin most of my life, and when I gained weight, my mental image didn't catch up for a long time, and that didn't really hit me until I saw photos from this Halloween in the costume I wore last year. I realized, "I look NOW like I thought I looked then!"

It was weird... it made me think I have absolutely no idea what I really look like. My change wasn't nearly as dramatic as yours, but my mental image of myself is still about 15-20 pounds above what I am... somewhere between what I really weigh and what I weighed at my heaviest. Or on the other hand... maybe my mental image is dead on, but still so warped that I think it's off. I think I just made myself dizzy. :noway:

G30Grrl

My friend Freya Taylor (pen name) wrote a book about that very subject after losing 100 lbs. It's called "Suddenly Skinny; A Weight Loss Survival Guide." She talks about how people treat and look at you differently, and the fact that you have to shop differently, and think differently, etc. It's on Amazon. Good stuff.

_SusieQ_

I don't have my success story yet, but I do have body issues. For ME, the thing that helps me feel good/better about myself is friends. My real life friends that I go out with, shopping, drinking, dancing, playing, trips, whatever. They tell me they envy my hair (my one vice), or we go out and have drinks/dinner and go dancing and we laugh and be silly. They don't let me wallow, at least not for long.

I don't know if this helps, but I would say to surround yourself with more people that make you laugh and encourage you and that you have fun with, at the gym, find a book club, something like that. If I lived closer,
I promise I would take you out and take your mind off all that, as often as I could! :bigsmile:

CoryIda

I don't have my success story yet, but I do have body issues. For ME, the thing that helps me feel good/better about myself is friends. My real life friends that I go out with, shopping, drinking, dancing, playing, trips, whatever. They tell me they envy my hair (my one vice), or we go out and have drinks/dinner and go dancing and we laugh and be silly. They don't let me wallow, at least not for long.

I don't know if this helps, but I would say to surround yourself with more people that make you laugh and encourage you and that you have fun with, at the gym, find a book club, something like that. If I lived closer,
I promise I would take you out and take your mind off all that, as often as I could! :bigsmile:

I don't really have many "real life" friends, so I don't go out or surround myself with anyone positive and, since most of our friends were mutual, the majority of the people I did occasionally spend time with don't want to any more since I have separated from my husband.

thedreamhazer

Okay, I've thought of something more helpful to say.

I'll preface with this. At 184 lbs I was only ever 17-ish lbs overweight at my heaviest. But a few months ago I went on mybodygallery.com and started clicking around. Even though I was at a healthy weight and wearing a size 8, I still identified my body as being most like the 5'8 women who were 200-215 lbs.

It was eye opening for me. I knew that my body image was skewed but I had no inkling of how skewed it was. My internal image of my body was 50 lbs heavier than I actually was. But how do you compete with something that incongruent?

I'm still fighting with this. I still go through periods where I feel horrible about my body. But the main thing that has been helping me lately is other people. Not in the form of compliments, but just being around and working out with other people. For me, taking a group fitness class has been an incredible boost to my self esteem. I see these other people --- other women --- moving and lifting and sweating and I realize: I'm just like them. They're amazing and beautiful. I am too. My body is just like their bodies. We may all be shaped differently --- I don't think anyone would mistake me for the 5'0 girl in my CrossFit class any day soon --- but we're all doing the same things.

So I don't know if you'll find this helpful, but even if you don't feel up to a group fitness class, start noticing other people's bodies at the gym. You're going to notice how beautiful all these people and their bodies are and, hopefully, start to realize that your body is just like theirs: capable and beautiful.

_SusieQ_

Okay, I've thought of something more helpful to say.


I'm still fighting with this. I still go through periods where I feel horrible about my body. But the main thing that has been helping me lately is other people. Not in the form of compliments, but just being around and working out with other people. For me, taking a group fitness class has been an incredible boost to my self esteem. I see these other people --- other women --- moving and lifting and sweating and I realize: I'm just like them. They're amazing and beautiful. I am too. My body is just like their bodies. We may all be shaped differently --- I don't think anyone would mistake me for the 5'0 girl in my CrossFit class any day soon --- but we're all doing the same things.

So I don't know if you'll find this helpful, but even if you don't feel up to a group fitness class, start noticing other people's bodies at the gym. You're going to notice how beautiful all these people and their bodies are and, hopefully, start to realize that your body is just like theirs: capable and beautiful.

I want to squish you and hug you until you squeak.

Well said. :laugh:

radionaturopath

My therapist says, if you're hyper-focusing on a problem and you can't solve it, do something else! So, in your case, if you're focusing on your self esteem and how you are all the time, one solution is to take a step back and do something else. I like what Susie Q said...spend time in your life; but it sounds like you're also in the process of rebuilding your life and your support system. So, I am with Susie Q on joining a fitness class...I am a Zumba instructor and we ROCK OUT!!! It is a super-joy to see woman of all ages, shapes and sizes rocking out and LAUGHING together and having fun. And that way you will meet women who are like you!!! The other suggestion is to take up a sport where you have a goal, like training to run a 5K or even training for your very first sprint triathlon. There are many opportunities for beginner sprint triathlons (1/2 mile swim, 12 mile bike, 5K run) all over the US (although I don't actually know if you're in the US)...If you train for and then complete something like that you will be focused on the TRAINING...and then you will think that you are ALL THAT when you complete it!!! Good luck honey!!! I know you are having trouble seeing it but you are ALREADY a rock star!!!

CoryIda

My therapist says, if you're hyper-focusing on a problem and you can't solve it, do something else! So, in your case, if you're focusing on your self esteem and how you are all the time, one solution is to take a step back and do something else. I like what Susie Q said...spend time in your life; but it sounds like you're also in the process of rebuilding your life and your support system. So, I am with Susie Q on joining a fitness class...I am a Zumba instructor and we ROCK OUT!!! It is a super-joy to see woman of all ages, shapes and sizes rocking out and LAUGHING together and having fun. And that way you will meet women who are like you!!! The other suggestion is to take up a sport where you have a goal, like training to run a 5K or even training for your very first sprint triathlon. There are many opportunities for beginner sprint triathlons (1/2 mile swim, 12 mile bike, 5K run) all over the US (although I don't actually know if you're in the US)...If you train for and then complete something like that you will be focused on the TRAINING...and then you will think that you are ALL THAT when you complete it!!! Good luck honey!!! I know you are having trouble seeing it but you are ALREADY a rock star!!!

I like those ideas... the problem is, I am already doing them. I go to Zumba regularly (and have for almost a year and a half) at a place with fabulous people, but I usually have to leave right after.
I am doing two mud runs next month, so I am working on that.
It's just hard because I *am* very confident about what I am capable of, but I have a really hard time not letting the superficial things that I hate about my appearance (the freckles, the pinks skin, the stretch marks, the loose skin on my tummy, and many other things) overshadow that.

jetscreaminagain

I have a friend on here who's been on my FL for quite a while. She was getting put through the wringer by this guy and I couldn't figure it out. She was so bubbly and funny and totally cute in her profile picture. I wanted to be a man in my 20's so I could date her. And this idiot would string her along and flirt with her and then stand her up. I didn't get why she was so unsure if he liked her and meant to ask her out and then why she was so devasted when he stood her up and why she responded to him the way she did. Then I realized, she had lost a LOT of weight, maybe not as much as you, but to the point that she was used to being the friend and not the love interest. I think she said she'd never really dated because her weight, in her mind, had taken her off the market. But she kept getting out there and being involved in group activities and then doing the social stuff after it.

I know there's quite a few contributing factors, but can you carve out some time in your life where you'd be able to go do what you want to do where you might meet other people, including men? Can you spend some time and recieve compliments from real people. Get used to being out and having a good time? Your personality is also great and you are gorgeous. I can imagine that in the right location, you'd be picked up. But I don't think you realize that yet. Now maybe you're not ready to date, but if enough men complimented you, noticed you (and you had a friend to point it out when they notice you because you might not realize it), it might help get it through that you just plain look great. Not look great for someone who lost a bunch of weight, or looks great in a teeensy tiny profile pic, or looks great to her friends that don't really know her but talk to her here. You. Look. Great.

When I separated I wanted to go work at Coyote Ugly or something like that where 1) I'd be there because I was attractive and 2) I could take out all my pent up anger from years of horrible marriage on the customers and they'd eat it with a spoon ask for more and tip me well. Never did go work there, but I could see it could've done me some good. Take your rings off and go do something that makes you enthusiastic. I bet if you do it long enough and it isn't an estrogen-heavy crowd, you'll have a guy respond.

I hate that my advice is about having some man appreciate the visuals of what you've accomplished, but really, sometimes we don't believe it until people around us tell us enough. Random cute guy at the library would be a more "objective" source than those of us on here who love you for ALL you have to offer.

teagin2002

When it comes to self realization it is all in the mind

1. Put your before pic and after pic up in your bedroom where you can see it first thing in the morning when you wake up and last thing before you sleep. (this will help your brain realize with time how far you have come)

2. count your blessings every day for now. (this will help you realize that you actually have it pretty good luv)

3. hang up some inspirational quotes all over your home especially on the mirror and read them while you are getting ready for work in the morning and getting ready for bed at night.

4. Forgive yourself for disappointing yourself/others and realize that you are only human.

5. go out dancing and just have a blast without expecting anything from anyone at all.

6. learn to clear your mind when any negative self talk starts. (Meditation will help with this, feel free to PM if you need help with this)

7. Find out what you see as beautiful and sexy and work on it in you. For me it is being strong and feminine at the same time (so lifting and pressing a lot of weight and then wearing satin/lace, pretty skirts/dresses and heels with a french braid work like magic for me)

8. learn who you are now luv and love you for it (this will take time and following the instructions above will help you accomplish this)

I know I personally think you are quite the hottie and are such a beautiful person inside and out.
lots of hugs and kisses for you xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

viclee1

PP has some good ideas.
Make a list of your top 5 attributes (physical and or characteristics) and stick it to the mirror where you will read it every am and pm.

CoryIda

Thank you all for the feedback. I am going to try to find a babysitter sometime soon so I can try the going out in public and being around people thing (I know being anti-social doesn't help things) and will try the quotes and pictures on the walls/mirrors as well.

Do any of you have any particular favorite quotes to share?

Cmh1211

when i lost a 130lbs i felt the same way... i find looking at old pictures of urself helps u realize what u have achieved. also, u have to learn to love the person u are fat or thin before u can come to terms with weight loss or gain. keep urself focused on what u want fitness wise and keep on woking at that.

ladytinkerbell99

bump for later

Trainee_Jane

You sound a bit like me. I haven't really lost weight on the scale, but my body has changed a LOT. Every time I go shopping to get better fitting clothes, I have this incredible anxiety. I now judge shopping success not by a purchase but if I managed to not HATE one thing I tried on. I look at myself and tear apart everything. I'll feel good after a great workout, but then I get ready for the day and see a blemish on my face or some frizz in my hair and from there it all looks awful to me. And I can't seem to get over that. I wish I could offer some advice, because its horrible when you feel that way. And I can relate to not having many friends in real life. I moved and don't know anyone besides co-workers. And none of them are into working out or eating right, so there goes that support. I am training for my first half marathon soon, so I am trying to focus my energy into that and shut my brain off with the looks and focus on how I feel and how it will feel to accomplish a goal. If you don't have a goal, maybe make one. Something to put energy into that makes you feel good.
Good luck, and I hope you can see the beautiful woman in the mirror soon!

My therapist says, if you're hyper-focusing on a problem and you can't solve it, do something else! So, in your case, if you're focusing on your self esteem and how you are all the time, one solution is to take a step back and do something else. I like what Susie Q said...spend time in your life; but it sounds like you're also in the process of rebuilding your life and your support system. So, I am with Susie Q on joining a fitness class...I am a Zumba instructor and we ROCK OUT!!! It is a super-joy to see woman of all ages, shapes and sizes rocking out and LAUGHING together and having fun. And that way you will meet women who are like you!!! The other suggestion is to take up a sport where you have a goal, like training to run a 5K or even training for your very first sprint triathlon. There are many opportunities for beginner sprint triathlons (1/2 mile swim, 12 mile bike, 5K run) all over the US (although I don't actually know if you're in the US)...If you train for and then complete something like that you will be focused on the TRAINING...and then you will think that you are ALL THAT when you complete it!!! Good luck honey!!! I know you are having trouble seeing it but you are ALREADY a rock star!!!

I like those ideas... the problem is, I am already doing them. I go to Zumba regularly (and have for almost a year and a half) at a place with fabulous people, but I usually have to leave right after.
I am doing two mud runs next month, so I am working on that.
It's just hard because I *am* very confident about what I am capable of, but I have a really hard time not letting the superficial things that I hate about my appearance (the freckles, the pinks skin, the stretch marks, the loose skin on my tummy, and many other things) overshadow that.

Livingbalanced

Pick a positive aspiration that works for you - like a personal mantra that you can repeat to yourself (post-it note it in your room, your bathroom, family room, wherever you spend lots of time and/or where you may need a reminder) - in essence, 'fake it till you make it'.

I knew someone who said "I am okay" everyday until she believed it and felt okay. "I am beautiful" may be helpful as you can use it for all the wonderful internal and external changes you've made. It will come but it will take some time and some conscious work.

jhardenbergh

I am right there with you, one thing that I do to help me is I carry around a picture of what I looked like before I started. It's easy to do now adays, I just keep a couple before pics on my cell phone. I do still feel like I am overweight even though I am gonna start training for a 1/2 marathon pretty soon. I have been told it could take your mind a year or two to catch up with your body.

annabellj

bump!