I'm a Debbie Downer with determination

christibam

What I mean by the thread title is that I'm seriously being a Debbie Downer lately. Like... so much that I should probably actually change my name to that. I've been so depressed because of a few things and all I want to do is sleep and cry some days. I have also just wanted to give up for a few days just so I can sit around and be miserable.

Well guess what? Even though I want to just sleep and then cry... I have not done that. Granted, I did take a nap today because of a mix of Benadryl and sadness. But I have not given in to allowing myself to fall back into the cycle of doing that every day.

I used to binge eat and go to sleep for HOUUUURRRRS every. single. damn. day. I was just so miserable and I wanted to sleep as much as possible so that I wasn't conscious to feel the sadness that I had created for myself. I just wanted to wake up and have it magically be better. It never was.

So that brings me to today.

I'm so upset and sad that I really just want to go cry harder than I ever have in my entire life. I may very well end up still doing that at some point later tonight. However, I still took my puppy for a short half hour walk this morning and I will still do my strength training for 45 minutes tonight. I will start c25k back up tomorrow. I will work my legs tomorrow. I will do some kick boxing again tomorrow.

Will I still be as sad a someone drinking a pineapple-poop smoothie? Maybe. But, dammit, I'm not going to let me being a sad little mofo take over my health for the millionth damn time in my life. I'm just not going to let that happen. Ever. Never again. Then I'd just be even more sad, feel like a bigger failure and then repeat the cycle all over again.

Just sayin'.



Edit* To add: I'm recovering from bulimia and binge eating disorder. I am in therapy and it does help. I think that's why I'm not running right back to binging and purging right now. I'm about at the same weight loss right now that I have ALWAYS given up at. I also recently stopped losing 'big' numbers on the scale and down to like 0.4 lbs last week. Sooooooo right now I'm telling myself that I need to keep going. I need to do this to prove that I'm not broken. That I'm not a dumbass. And that I'm not a failure. Because I'm really none of those things anymore.

Meatsies

Good girl! I'm in the same boat lately...just not feeling all that well put together in my head/heart region. But instead of using that as an excuse to fall off the wagon, so to speak, I'm more determined than ever to stick with this lifestyle change.

christibam

That's good that you're using it as motivation. I'm trying to talk myself into making it motivating but, instead, I'm just at the point where I'm forcing myself to do everything I need to daily. I think my heart and brain are stuck on stupid. I'm hoping that the effort I'm forcing out will help bring my mood up more in the next few days. Exercise makes me happy.