Very frustrated (marriage related)

Italianyc84

I just don't feel like venting to real-life friends about the whole thing...you guys are next in line :-)

In 2007, when I met my partner, I moved from my native NYC to Maryland. She's 15 years my senior, had a more established career and owned a home, so it made sense for me to move there then for her to move here (since I was working as a temp and living with my parents!)

Anyway, fast forward to 2011, and we decide to move to NYC. We both work for the same company, though in different divisions, and put in our transfers. My transfer came through first and I transferred two months ago. The reason my transfer came through so quickly was because I was VERY persistent. I literally bugged management on a daily basis, went through multiple channels, contacted just about everyone I can (they can be very disorganized) until finally they put it through.

My partner, however, is still in Maryland and really not being all that persistent. AT ALL. When she first put in the paperwork she didn't follow through for a MONTH, and it turned out the paperwork was never filed (their error, not hers). Had she followed up sooner she would have known that. She hasn't spoken to her direct managers about it in over a month. She has had a few conversations with the union, and her union rep said they will have a meetng, but the meeting has never been scheduled. Whenever I bring anything up to her pertaining to this, she just says "let me handle it, I'm doing everything I can" when I KNOW that's not true.

very very frustrating :-( she keep sending me texts and emails telling me how much she loves me and misses me and can't wait to be with me (since right now we're only seeing eachother every other weekend), but actions speak louder than words.

uggh I just feel so sad.

Italianyc84

I'm afraid that only seeing eachother 6-8 days a month is going to make us grow apart. She's not much for telephone calls. We can't see eachother more than that because it's just too expensive with the gas prices. She came last weekend and is supposed to come next weekend; I'm almost half tempted to tell her not to. It would save money, and also, every time she leaves my heart aches and I can't sleep for days. By the time I "heal", it's almost time for her to come back.

I know it's a huge move for her--she owns the house she grew up in, and has lived in that area her whole life--but she says she really wants to. We did get into a huge argument a few weeks back where she threatened divorce (not the first time that's happened). The whole situation is incredibly frustrating.

bander21

Relationships are hard, and take equal amounts of work and effort. I am young and new at it. My best advice that my mom preaches to me everyday, COMMUNICATION IS KEY!! TALK IT OUT! LAY IT OUT ON THE TABLE! EVERYTHING or it will eat you alive, and is that fair to you! GOODLUCK! I'm pulling for you guys!!

yager8725

She doesnt want to move. She knew you wanted the move and she wanted to do it for you.....But now she cant. Its up to you to drcide if you go back or not because chances are good she isnt moving to New York.

Marley112586

Im sorry your stuck alone in NYC. I bet your lonely. Have you tried telling her you feel your growing apart? Just explain to her you dont know how its gonna work as a long distance relationship and give her a month to see if she gets it threw. If not then its better to cut ties earlier than later. Im married to a man but I would imagine marriage is marriage and If I was seriously concidering it being over it would probably put a foot in his butt.

katherinemm31

Sorry to hear that!! Unfortunately, I don't know what to say, other than I know many couples in which one partner is motivated, the other is not. Have you asked her why she seems to keep putting this off? Is there something wrong? Have you told her how sad this is making you? Just wondering.

I do worry about people asking for marital advice here, but I also understand sometimes people just want to vent to strangers.

PAVS30

I'm sorry that is happening to you bc you seem like you love her very very much and would do anything (which you already have) for her. I would sit her down and have a heart to heart talk with her about this and how hard it is on you and how bad it makes you feel. Tell her anything that you have been holding back for fear of hurting her and the situation more bc you never know it might take a serious heart felt talk to make her see where you are coming from and why you are pushing her so hard for the transfer. Good luck and keeping looking for the positives in this. Distance makes the heart grow fonder.

p0pr0cksnc0ke

She doesnt want to move. She knew you wanted the move and she wanted to do it for you.....But now she cant. Its up to you to drcide if you go back or not because chances are good she isnt moving to New York.

Heyyyyy Debbie Downer!!

maf66

If I owned a home and had job stability, I would NOT make the move to NYC. She's closer to retirement than you are, she has more to lose. I dated a man 17 years my senior for 8 wonderful years, but there just came a time where we did not want the same things. He's a lovely person and we're wonderful friends, but I was younger and wanted more spontaneity, he needed more stability.

branflake6

:frown: sounds like you have a lot on your plate... And honestly as an outsider it does not sound like she wants to make the move. I think if she did want to she would be pushing the transfer with management. Obviously I don't know either of you and I am just forming my opinion off of what you posted, but she doesn't even talk to you on the phone while she is away from you so many days?? That would raise some flags for me.. it is different if you are living in the same house and don't talk on the phone when your apart, you text or email what you need to say. But you are not living in the same house and she doesn't talk to you. I am sorry but I am not a phone call person either I prefer to text but my fiance went to visit his family for 4 days and we talked on the phone several times a day everyday he was gone. Maybe this is not an issue for you so I will shut up.

Either way I would try to talk to her about it, it seems like she is putting it off and maybe when you initially discussed it she agreed but now that it is reality she may not be ready or willing to go through with it....
Sorry girl, best of luck to you, I hope I am totally wrong and everything works out for the 2 of you

Italianyc84

That's what my instinct says and I've asked her several times but she insists it's what she wants. She's been having family and friends come to the house to take stuff that she's getting rid of, and even rented a moving van a couple of weekends ago to move bigger items like furniture to other places (her mom's house, sister, etc). When she did that I thought "well, maybe she's just lazy but she really DOES plan on moving"...

of course, now that I think about it...she can't afford the house with just her salary (plus, it's quickly heading to foreclosure; hoping to do a quick sale before that happens), so whether she moves to NY or not she's still going to have to move SOMEwhere...

If she backs out, the relationship is over; that much I can say for sure. I love her to death, but I "gave up" enough years in Maryland and am definitely absolutely not moving back. My family is here, my friends, all of my hobbies and interests. It's just not happening. Before I even had my transfer I asked her MANY times if she was sure she wanted to do this--because if she didn't, or needed more time to think about it, I told her I'd pull my transfer out and hold off on everything. She insisted it's what she wanted. Now that I'm back, I realize even more how much I missed it here, so the possibility of me moving back to Maryland are slim to none.

She doesnt want to move. She knew you wanted the move and she wanted to do it for you.....But now she cant. Its up to you to drcide if you go back or not because chances are good she isnt moving to New York.

kellicruz1978

Does she tend to procrastinate in other areas of her life? If so, that could just be what it is. I know when I procrastinate on something, it only makes things worse when I have someone constantly telling me to do the thing that I should do. Also, I wonder if she doesn't want to pester her bosses, for fear they might get angry.
Hang in there, in try to remember that this is only a season in your lives together.

kapeluza

I'm afraid that only seeing eachother 6-8 days a month is going to make us grow apart.

My husband and I lived apart from each other for 2 years thanks to the military. If your relationship is strong, distance will not make you grow apart.

p0pr0cksnc0ke

I'm afraid that only seeing eachother 6-8 days a month is going to make us grow apart.

My husband and I lived apart from each other for 2 years thanks to the military. If your relationship is strong, distance will not make you grow apart.

EXACTLY. :drinker:

Italianyc84

I hear you, trust me. Her reasons for wanting to move to NYC are--she enjoys it here, wanted a change, and wants to pursue a side career in standup comedy, as well as take baking classes. She loves what NYC has to offer. As for the job--the same stability would be here (we work for a large government agency), though of course different people, etc. As far as the house goes, we're SO behind in payments that regardless, it's either going to be foreclosed on unless we quick sell it (my name isn't on the house, FWIW)

Living down there, I was very dependant on her, especially due to the fact that I don't drive (being a native New Yorker and all!), so we did pretty much everything together. But now that I'm here, I'm getting my independance back. Which is a good thing. I gave up a lot for her and sacrificed a LOT (I'm an only child and moved four hours away from my family, who I'm VERY close to) to be with her, because I love her. In hindsight, we moved waaay too fast. She proposed three months into our relationship and we were married a year after that. I was 23! I don't regret it--not at all--but should have but more thought into the repurcussions of everything. Five years of maturity later has taught me a lot.

If I owned a home and had job stability, I would NOT make the move to NYC. She's closer to retirement than you are, she has more to lose. I dated a man 17 years my senior for 8 wonderful years, but there just came a time where we did not want the same things. He's a lovely person and we're wonderful friends, but I was younger and wanted more spontaneity, he needed more stability.

Italianyc84

that makes me a feel a bit better...when she was here last weekend, I felt like we were closer than ever, especially when we made love (sorry for the TMI). I thought to myself "this is really it". But now, of course, each time she tells me she didn't contact anyone about her transfer, I get the same nagging doubts.

She's an AMAZING person. I don't want to lose her; she's been through a lot of rough areas of her life and I want things to be smooth for her and to take care of her as best I can. Like, I hate that she had to cook her own dinner last night. It's not that I don't want to be single--I'm not one of those people who can't bear to be alone, not by any stretch--I just love HER so much.

I'm afraid that only seeing eachother 6-8 days a month is going to make us grow apart.

My husband and I lived apart from each other for 2 years thanks to the military. If your relationship is strong, distance will not make you grow apart.

Italianyc84

This makes sense. She's a HUGE procrastinator. I guess I just figured that when it came to something truly major like this, she would step it up a notch!

Does she tend to procrastinate in other areas of her life? If so, that could just be what it is. I know when I procrastinate on something, it only makes things worse when I have someone constantly telling me to do the thing that I should do. Also, I wonder if she doesn't want to pester her bosses, for fear they might get angry.
Hang in there, in try to remember that this is only a season in your lives together.

Sweet_Potato

Is she normally good about doing paperwork, following up on things, etc? I ask because my partner has ADD and is really terrible about stuff like that. No matter how badly she wants something she just can't do the clerical details without persisent nagging.

However, it sounds like your partner has strong reservations about moving. You'll have to have an honest conversation and decide if a compromise of some kind can be reached. When she visits, try your best to show her everything you love about the city and make her feel like it's her home too. She might be feeling overwhelmed by having to adjust to a place that's unfamiliar and not as meaningful to her.

If a compromise can't be reached about the move, or the distance really does make you grow apart, it's probably for the best. Neither of you should be making sacrifices you don't feel comfortable making for the sake of the relationship, and if it's not working out it's better to part ways now than make those sacrifices and be resentful later.

Italianyc84

Oh wait, let me clarify that--we do talk on the phone at least twice a day, usually 3 or 4 times, though very brief and I usually am the one to call her. Other than that, it's a quick text.

:frown: sounds like you have a lot on your plate... And honestly as an outsider it does not sound like she wants to make the move. I think if she did want to she would be pushing the transfer with management. Obviously I don't know either of you and I am just forming my opinion off of what you posted, but she doesn't even talk to you on the phone while she is away from you so many days?? That would raise some flags for me.. it is different if you are living in the same house and don't talk on the phone when your apart, you text or email what you need to say. But you are not living in the same house and she doesn't talk to you. I am sorry but I am not a phone call person either I prefer to text but my fiance went to visit his family for 4 days and we talked on the phone several times a day everyday he was gone. Maybe this is not an issue for you so I will shut up.

Either way I would try to talk to her about it, it seems like she is putting it off and maybe when you initially discussed it she agreed but now that it is reality she may not be ready or willing to go through with it....
Sorry girl, best of luck to you, I hope I am totally wrong and everything works out for the 2 of you

Sweet_Potato

This makes sense. She's a HUGE procrastinator. I guess I just figured that when it came to something truly major like this, she would step it up a notch!

Yeah, I was thinking my girlfriend would do exactly the same thing in this situation. She recently passed a certifcation exam that cost hundreds of dollars and involved months of studying, but she was ready to relinquish the cert because she couldn't handle filling out the application to make it official. If she didn't pay me to do her taxes every year they wouldn't get filed. If it weren't for me the mortgage would never get paid, even though she has no trouble allocating the money for it. Some people have a really hard time doing the small stuff, even if it's for something big. But you know your partner better than I do, and you should be able to tell whether this is out of character for her or not.

dmpizza

Actions speak louder than words.
There is something she doesn't want.
Its either NYC or you.
Sorry for the bad news.