Calories that Don't Count
The following food and situations have no calories to speak of ...
OTHER PEOPLE'S FOOD: A chocolate mousse that you did not order has no calories. Therefore, have your companion order dessert and you taste half of it.
INGREDIENTS IN COOKING: Chocolate chips are fattening, about 50 calories a tablespoon. So are chocolate chip cookies! However, chocolate chips eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have no calories whatsoever. Therefore make chocolate chip cookies often but don't eat them.
FOOD ON FOOT: All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why is not clear, but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down the legs and through the soles of the feet into the floor, like electricity. Walking seems to accelerate this process, so that a frozen custard or hot dog eaten at a carnival actually has a calorie deficit.
CHILDREN'S FOOD: Anything produced, purchased or intended for minors is calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range, beginning with a spoonful of baby tapioca -- consumed for demonstration purposes -- up to and including cookies baked and sent to college.
UNEVEN EDGES: Pies and cakes should be cut neatly, in even wedges or slices. If not, the responsibility falls on the person putting them away to "straighten up the edges" by slicing away the offending irregularities, which have no calories when eaten. If pie or cake is neatly cut, but the remainder is not easily divisible into equal servings, it's also permissible to even things up ... without calorie consequence.
TV FOOD: Anything eaten in front of the TV has no calories. This may have something to do with radiation leakage, which negates not only the calories in the food but also all recollection of having eaten it. Entire no-calorie dinners are now manufactured and frozen for this purpose.
FOOD THAT DOESN'T TASTE GOOD: doesn't count. This is an enormous category covering a diverse range including airline food, cafeteria meals, and dinner at your sister-in-law's. Also dinners manufactured to be eaten in front of the TV.
ANYTHING SMALLER THAN ONE INCH: contains no calories to speak of. For example: chocolate kisses, maraschino cherries, cubes of cheese.
LEFT-HANDED FOOD: If you have a drink in your right hand, anything eaten with the other hand has no calories. Several principles are at work here. First of all, you're probably standing up at a cocktail party (see "Food on Foot"). Then there's the electronic field: a wet glass in one hand forms a negative charge to reverse the polarity of the calories attracted to the other hand. I'm not exactly sure how it works, but it's reversible if you're left-handed.
CHARITABLE FOODS: Girl Guide cookies, bake sale cookies, ice cream socials and church strawberry festivals all have a religious dispensation from calories. It's in the Bible.
CAKES WITH WRITING ON THEM: Primarily fat, starch and sugar, all cakes are horrendously fattening. However, the calories can be eliminated simply by inscribing "Happy Birthday, Charlie" or "Good Luck, Alice" in colored icing. Not only is it unnecessary to decline, it's impolite.
FOOD ON TOOTHPICKS: Sausages, cocktail franks, cheese and the like are all fattening unless impaled on frilled toothpicks. The insertion of a sharp object allows the calories to leak out the bottom.
LEFTOVERS: An extra pork chop, the crust of bread, half a Twinkie, anything intended for the garbage has no calories regardless of what happens to it in the kitchen.
FOOD EATEN QUICKLY: If you are rushed through a meal, the entire meal doesn't count. Conversely, if you have ordered something fattening and now regret it, you can minimize its calories by gulping it down.
CUSTOM MADE FOOD: Anything somebody made "just for you" must be eaten regardless of the calories because to do otherwise would be uncaring and insensitive. Your kind intentions will not go unrewarded. (See "Charitable Foods.")
OTHER PEOPLE'S FOOD: A chocolate mousse that you did not order has no calories. Therefore, have your companion order dessert and you taste half of it.
INGREDIENTS IN COOKING: Chocolate chips are fattening, about 50 calories a tablespoon. So are chocolate chip cookies! However, chocolate chips eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have no calories whatsoever. Therefore make chocolate chip cookies often but don't eat them.
FOOD ON FOOT: All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why is not clear, but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down the legs and through the soles of the feet into the floor, like electricity. Walking seems to accelerate this process, so that a frozen custard or hot dog eaten at a carnival actually has a calorie deficit.
CHILDREN'S FOOD: Anything produced, purchased or intended for minors is calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range, beginning with a spoonful of baby tapioca -- consumed for demonstration purposes -- up to and including cookies baked and sent to college.
UNEVEN EDGES: Pies and cakes should be cut neatly, in even wedges or slices. If not, the responsibility falls on the person putting them away to "straighten up the edges" by slicing away the offending irregularities, which have no calories when eaten. If pie or cake is neatly cut, but the remainder is not easily divisible into equal servings, it's also permissible to even things up ... without calorie consequence.
TV FOOD: Anything eaten in front of the TV has no calories. This may have something to do with radiation leakage, which negates not only the calories in the food but also all recollection of having eaten it. Entire no-calorie dinners are now manufactured and frozen for this purpose.
FOOD THAT DOESN'T TASTE GOOD: doesn't count. This is an enormous category covering a diverse range including airline food, cafeteria meals, and dinner at your sister-in-law's. Also dinners manufactured to be eaten in front of the TV.
ANYTHING SMALLER THAN ONE INCH: contains no calories to speak of. For example: chocolate kisses, maraschino cherries, cubes of cheese.
LEFT-HANDED FOOD: If you have a drink in your right hand, anything eaten with the other hand has no calories. Several principles are at work here. First of all, you're probably standing up at a cocktail party (see "Food on Foot"). Then there's the electronic field: a wet glass in one hand forms a negative charge to reverse the polarity of the calories attracted to the other hand. I'm not exactly sure how it works, but it's reversible if you're left-handed.
CHARITABLE FOODS: Girl Guide cookies, bake sale cookies, ice cream socials and church strawberry festivals all have a religious dispensation from calories. It's in the Bible.
CAKES WITH WRITING ON THEM: Primarily fat, starch and sugar, all cakes are horrendously fattening. However, the calories can be eliminated simply by inscribing "Happy Birthday, Charlie" or "Good Luck, Alice" in colored icing. Not only is it unnecessary to decline, it's impolite.
FOOD ON TOOTHPICKS: Sausages, cocktail franks, cheese and the like are all fattening unless impaled on frilled toothpicks. The insertion of a sharp object allows the calories to leak out the bottom.
LEFTOVERS: An extra pork chop, the crust of bread, half a Twinkie, anything intended for the garbage has no calories regardless of what happens to it in the kitchen.
FOOD EATEN QUICKLY: If you are rushed through a meal, the entire meal doesn't count. Conversely, if you have ordered something fattening and now regret it, you can minimize its calories by gulping it down.
CUSTOM MADE FOOD: Anything somebody made "just for you" must be eaten regardless of the calories because to do otherwise would be uncaring and insensitive. Your kind intentions will not go unrewarded. (See "Charitable Foods.")
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Replies
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And my favorite, any calories I don't log in...
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Those always taste the best
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
LOVE it. im gonna eat every meal standing up and bake cookies every night now that i know the truth! lol0 -
All these are great! TFS!0
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Oh snap! Looks like I never eat any calories!!!! Heck yeah!0
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Forgot one!
Broken cookies/cakes/etc - all the calories leak out from the broken edges!0 -
haha, that was awesome - thanks for the laugh! 0
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You forgot a couple:
Food eaten outside definitely doesn't count. Picnics, sporting events, amusement parks.
And of course, broken cookies, because the calories fall out.0 -
Alcohol calories don't count.
Because I'm unable to remember their consumption.0 -
What about when you order some steamed veggies and they come out being cooked in oil and slathered with cheese and butter? Those obviously shouldn't count because, let's face it, it isn't YOUR fault the chef messed up.0
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I totally agree..
..and calories consumed at a party..regarless if standing or not..doesnt have calories0 -
xD
So true. Sometimes I do think if I'm standing, it doesn't count!!!0 -
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
*dead*0 -
and you forgot anything that you shake first! it makes the calories fall off
although there are some things you probably shouldnt try this with..0 -
CHILDREN'S FOOD: Anything produced, purchased or intended for minors is calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range, beginning with a spoonful of baby tapioca -- consumed for demonstration purposes -- up to and including cookies baked and sent to college.
OMGGGG!!! I have such a hard time with this one! Do I log the few Gerber Puffs I snarfed while tossing them on the high chair table?
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Hahaha! Priceless.0
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absolute bump! :laugh:0
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Anything eaten with a Diet Coke!
:laugh:0 -
Love this! Very clever :flowerforyou:0
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I personally never put the calories in when I am cookiong 0
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Also no calories - any food that has been dropped on the floor. All the calories fall out and it would be unaccaptable to serve said item to others.0
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Bhaaaaw, My kids just wondered why I spit water at the computer0
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Love it!0
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Bhaaaaw, My kids just wondered why I spit water at the computer
:laugh:0 -
I think any food that arrives at your table or in your take-away bag but was not ordered by anyone in your party also counts. If you didn't order it, the calories do not belong to you either....lol!0
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Yes, definitely add the broken cookies one. Also add....
Food left in dishes before washing: Eating food left on your dishes before you clear them into the dishwasher have no calories. This is because they were already destined for the drain/trash when you consumed them and were merely taking a detour through your body but leave no calories behind.
Eating at a restaurant that carries no nutritional information at the restaurant or online: Obviously if they refuse to post any nutritional information anywhere, the only reason is because it has no information, and therefore no calories.
:flowerforyou: Love this topic!0 -
FOOD THAT DOESN'T TASTE GOOD: doesn't count. This is an enormous category covering a diverse range including airline food, cafeteria meals, and dinner at your sister-in-law's. Also dinners manufactured to be eaten in front of the TV.
Oh how I wish this one were true. Don't you hate it when you don't enjoy your dinner? I feel like it's such a waste of calories0 -
hahaha i definitely needed this today.0
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GUILTY! Hahaha.0
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Broken foods have no calories, because they leak out of the broken edge. So if you do bake the cookies that you intend not to eat, if one or two break - those may be eaten.
Few know of the food-color-correlation. Foods that are yellow (i.e. yellow cake) have a corresponding quantity of calories as other foods in the same color family when consumed in the same day. In instances where the two foods of the same color have divergent calories when eaten alone, the lowest amount of calories prevails. For example: if you eat yellow squash and yellow cake in the same meal, the yellow cake contains the same calorie count as the yellow squash.
Foods containing ingredients you can neither spell nor pronounce are calorie-free.0
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