Never the girlfriend :'(

Elizabeth_C34

And I am beginning to think that love actually does not exist. Just lust.

Love exists, but like I said earlier, it takes time, and you have to be in the right frame of mind for it to happen. Less "I wanna be a girlfriend" and more "I want to find a great guy that is worth my love"

ironanimal

And I am beginning to think that love actually does not exist. Just lust.

Not true. Keep the faith

Maystar80

awww, that sucks! And you're so gorgeous too. It's kind of a tough one to understand.
I'm only 20, but I've had a helluva lot of boy issues and i've felt like you often. Good for you for realizing that you need to figure out if a guy actually cares about you before sleeping around. I didn't understand this until senior year of highschool.
I think you should definitely not change this. However, make sure you don't seem cold or anything when you don't kiss, especially if it's something like a really good first date. Obviously I don't really know you at all, but maybe make sure you have an open, receiving air about you. Like touch a guys arm and smile a lot with him when you like him. everyone needs those kinds of signals.
You look like you're really young, like maybe my age a little older. So you have plenty of time. But I think the advice of looking for someone older is really good. Boys had been annoying me for a long time. But then I met my boyfriend of one year (today's our anniversary actually!). He's 26, and I looove that he's older. He's still a goofy sometimes immature guy, but he has more life experience and is more ready to be in a committed relationship (obviously).

spyder_rose

You look like you're really young, like maybe my age a little older. So you have plenty of time. But I think the advice of looking for someone older is really good. Boys had been annoying me for a long time. But then I met my boyfriend of one year (today's our anniversary actually!). He's 26, and I looove that he's older. He's still a goofy sometimes immature guy, but he has more life experience and is more ready to be in a committed relationship (obviously).

Sadly, I look really young... often I'm mistaken for a highschooler.. but I'm 26.. I'm only petite though as well, which doesn't help... haha... Maybe this is also an issue for me. I don't look my age... YAY you have a nice boyfriend... I do know there are some decent guys out there... my friends all have awesome partners... makes me kind of jealous... until they b*tch about them to me haha... but even then...

Maystar80

oops, sorry, just saw that you're 26, my bad.
One more thing. Actually, I think this might be a big thing. I find it sort of a red flag that no one's asked you for your number since you were 15. I think in general, if you have to give a guy your number, it sort of shows that he's not truly interested in you enough to ask for it. Of course there might be some "shy" guys (though I'm not at all attracted to shy guys so this rule still applies to me), but in general if a dude wants you he goes after you, and that includes getting your number. A guy who you give your number to is probably a guy that just gets the idea that it might be cool to be with you after you give your number. It wasn't really in his head to begin with. But for him to come up with the idea that he wants to be with you, without any nudging or suggestion, I think that's the key to a guy becoming committed to you. Also, if I were you I'd read this great book called "The Rules" (there's a rules 2 also). It changed my ideas about dating and I saw a remarkable difference between the guys I was attracting before and after reading it. It's basically all the old school stuff your mother would tell you (don't call a guy, don't act like he's all there is in your life, etc). Some people might say it's demeaning to women, but you'll find it's in fact quite a feminist book because it empowers women to be the best they can be and to learn to be with a guy that's deserving of you.

EBFNP

Just to add to the above poster- I think the person with the lower interest level always have the upper hand in a courtship. Usually its the woman. However, if you are putting more in than the guy, then he has the upper hand. When the times come usually the guy will find YOU and not the other way around.

spyder_rose

Ahhh fair enough..

Must get my hands on that book...

i_love_vinegar

I really do think I am the problem, and it's not entirely the guys. It appears I am the "girl before the one"... or actually, more accurately, the "girl WHEN you find the one"...

As other people have said, I think you've just had some bad luck with the guys. I don't think it is your persona/looks, but simply you need to work on your approach. Easy fix, so don't feel so bad. You are a pretty, successful girl. For example, I would suggest stop asking for numbers. Why do you think guys don't ask you for your number?

I think having a type is a good thing as well btw. It doesn't have to be completely specific, but have some ideas of things you need. Ex: age range, height range, weight range, race, career/money, nationality, hobbies...The more you know what you want, I think the easier it will be.

If it makes you feel any better, the guy I recently started dating told me he was married (now divorced), had kids (live with his ex wife), and he cheated on her. I appreciate his honesty, but...*_*

PS: I think although the above is really...um...I am usually really successful with guys wanting me to be their girlfriends.

NeedANewFocus

you seem like a very genuine lovely woman! i'm going to say there is absolutely nothing wrong with you!

DaughterOfTheMostHighKing

Don't focus on 'getting' a boyfriend. focus on being who you want to be in life! Having a boyfriend doesn't define who you are as a person. I used to think something was wrong or I was sending out the wrong signals because all these younger men kept approaching me! I am 47 and yes, many mistake me for 10 years younger... the men that would approach me were not only younger by 10 years, but they were so immature!

don't sell yourself short! I know I'm old fashioned, but sex is only blessed by God in the covenant of marriage. My children's daddy was my first date, my first boyfriend and my first husband, because yes, I would like to be married again. Being widowed for 10 years makes you strong, but its not easy!

Learn to love yourself first, before you try to love someone else.

digit78

The only advice I can give (and Im no expert!) is to try and go with the flow and not over cook things........ enjoy life and whats meant to be will finds its way to you.

Obviously the above is easier said than done.

Chin up.............. you will be surprised what will eventually unfold when you least expect it. As my gran used to say, 'a watched pot never boils'!

Natx83

You are gorgeous, there is no doubting that. I'm guilty of the same behaviour at some pint or another as we all prob are. I have been on your end of the stick as well for some time. I have been trying to find that special someone for a while. I'm 28 and thought I had found that person on 2 occasions in 2011. It's been really hard at times, but you just pick yourself up and get on with it. That's all you can do when it goes to ah&t.

In the end all the anguish and pain will seem a million miles away when you find that person and it all falls into place. You'll wonder why you ever worried

Ps if you happened to be on the sunshine coast I would show you how a boyfriend really is

coliema

"Do guys really just hang around until they get what they want and then toss you aside like trash and move on to the next girl (who is generally a lot easier to get into bed than myself)? Even if "what they want" lasts for a few months... ?"


That statement you made is not true, guy's don't just hang around til they get what they want. I have been dating the same guy for 7 years this October, got engaged this past October and plan to marry in August 2013. He didn't rush me into anything, it was like meeting my best friend, and it was amazing being able to find your best friend and be in love. You just have to be patient and find the right guy. Just because one bad guy let's you down doesn't mean they are all the same way. There are some good ones out there, you either have to go find them or let them find you

Edit: I figured I would mention that I am 22, and we started dating when I was 15 and he was 16. He is now 23, and I am 22 (I'll be 23 in 17 days! )

theoneandonlybrookie

I'm sorry you're hurting. I went through this often when I was still out on the market. My worst story: I finally trusted a guy enough to move in with him and he started cheating with one of our mutual friends almost immediately. One day I came home to find all of my stuff in garbage bags and he told me to get out so she could move in. That one hurt!

But take heart - there are many GREAT guys out there. Don't fear! Most of us had to go through a few jerks to finally get someone who was ready to love selflessly. You will find one because it sounds like you have a healthy attitude toward relationships and sex. Keep taking it as slowly as you want. You will find a guy who wants you enough to respect that.

It could be the type of guy. I always went for super flirty, aggressive men and all of them ended up effing me over. I have found that often the faithful, loving men are not the ones who come on strong or aggressively. (That's not always true but it often is.) They're the ones who are patient and respectful, and I think often get cast too quickly into the friend zone by women.

Take care!

adamsilva

You are gorgeous, there is no doubting that. I'm guilty of the same behaviour at some pint or another as we all prob are. I have been on your end of the stick as well for some time. I have been trying to find that special someone for a while. I'm 28 and thought I had found that person on 2 occasions in 2011. It's been really hard at times, but you just pick yourself up and get on with it. That's all you can do when it goes to ah&t.

In the end all the anguish and pain will seem a million miles away when you find that person and it all falls into place. You'll wonder why you ever worried

Ps if you happened to be on the sunshine coast I would show you how a boyfriend really is

^^^^ I reckon this guy knows how to treat a lady (not being sarcastic)

CountryBoy65

Maybe you are trying too hard, and worrying about it too much? Perhaps if you just relax, stop thinking about long term relationships, and just do what is fun for you...maybe...just maybe......it will find you when you least expect it. I hope that you find what you are looking for.... :-)

lysa4

I totally understand where you are coming from. I too am back into the dating scene and it is absolutely HORRIBLE. Everyone keeps telling me that you'll find the one when you arent looking for him, dont look so hard, etc etc.......

I agree with some of the previous posters, take a deep breath, one day at a time and BE YOURSELF....anyone worth having will take you as you are.

luvJOJO

^THIS!!!

rml_16

There's more to being girlfriend material than holding out on physical contact.

Been with my boyfriend for seven years and we slept together the second time we met.

There are so many factors that go into attraction and relationships that it's not a simple answer. I don't know enough about you to tell what the problem is, but it could very well just be you're attracting the wrong guys for some reason.

maria1113

I feel similar, except I feel like I can't even get to the stage where anyone is even interested in me, or attracted to me. So, I definitely don't think I'll be called "girlfriend" any time soon.

I'm in the same boat with you :frown: And because of that haven't even wasted my time by having crush on anyone. No point.

warmachinejt

If you're "dating" someone it doesn't mean you can't date someone else....that's why it's called dating. Also, you're probably meeting all these guys in places where these type of guys hang out. You wanna meet someone who is in a place where they want to be and not where they are looking for girls to sleep with. Trust me there are many guys out there wanting to meet the right girl too.

ItsCasey

First things first: Stop assuming that every guy you go on a date with is boyfriend material (for you). In reality, VERY few of them are going to be the kind of man with whom you could have a healthy, happy relationship. If you try to fit every guy who asks you out into that mold, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

Secondly, if you want to be in a relationship and not forever be some guy's "Plan B" (i.e. the girl he calls only when his other plans fall through), you have to make a clear distinction between "dating" and "hanging out." If he makes plans with you in advance, picks you up, takes you out, pays for dinner, etc., he's dating you. If he calls you at the last minute, asks you to meet him somewhere, expects you to pay, etc., he is just hanging out with you, and he will never call you his girlfriend. You're just someone he'll spend time with once a month when he has nothing better to do.

But you have to do your part, too. You are not a teenager; you're a grown woman, so this "I can't kiss a guy till at least the third date" stuff has to stop. Let me be clear that you do not owe a man a kiss just because he took you to dinner. I completely understand not wanting to kiss someone you just met, even if you are attracted to him. If it doesn't come naturally, don't force it. But if it doesn't come naturally by the end of the second date, that should be your clue to move on. No self-respecting man is going to happily skip along through the dating process with a woman who won't even kiss him, and if you aren't DYING to kiss him pretty soon after meeting him, then he isn't the one for you. So it's not always that he is putting you in the friend zone; it's usually that you're not really into him, but you're trying to force a relationship to happen because you don't want to be alone.

Also, the "men are intimidated by me because I'm successful and independent" thing is crap. Grown men are not intimidated by women who have ambition and a solid work ethic. They're just not particularly attracted to women who brag about their success, have made their jobs the center of their universe, and take pleasure in showing men that they aren't needed for anything but occasional sperm donation. Men look at women like that the same way women look at men who walk around with "I'm in love with my Maserati. I just want you for sex" tattooed on their foreheads.

theleftie

Try having fun with them. What you've described sounds like it involves too much thinking.

This... And, you are a knockout. Many men woukd count themselves lucky to be able to kiss those lips. Hang in, single is tough - give yourself a break!

Cmh1211

i dont think there is a such thing as right or wrong guy... i think there is the right or wrong guy for u. ur anticipating being in a long term relationship when u should be looking at it from a different perspective. ur single now! like right now! have fun, be urself. do NOT by any means try to figure this out. there is nothing wrong with u that isnt wrong with every other girl out there. ur too preoccupied with trying to find the "right one" to realize that ur letting what u have right now blow by u. Relationships arent easy. im sure u know this. theres ups that feel great but then the downs are always the ones that make u feel like ur better off being alone. this might come off as cliche but the right person is out there for u. there is a right person for everybody. what ur going thru now is lifes way of maturing u for what is to come...

i met my wife/girlfriend while i was buying fish for my fish tank... she had a boyfriend... i had a girlfriend... we broke it off with our relationships to be with each other. im sure that the girl i was with and the guy she was with probably feel just like u do now. but in the end u will realize there is someone for everyone. stop looking and they will find u.

artvandelay85

To use an overused term "There are plenty of fish in the sea". It may be overused but it is 100% correct. Don't let 1, 2, 10, 15 guys bring you down. There are soooo many people out there. So if you get knocked down just dust yourself back off and get back out there. All of the girls in the post are very attractive in my opinion but that in no way means I'd be boyfriend material for them or girlfriend material for me. You'll never know until you try.

theleftie

Try having fun with them. What you've described sounds like it involves too much thinking.

This... And, you are a knockout. Many men woukd count themselves lucky to be able to kiss those lips. Hang in, single is tough - give yourself a break!

artvandelay85

i met my wife/girlfriend while i was buying fish for my fish tank...

Is that what they call it now?

Package02

I wouldn't worry so much. Real life isn't like "Boy Meets World" where we all find our Topanga in middle school (sorry for the old reference but just finished watching a marathon of this show...love it!) Anyways my point is that you're still young. You've gone through some bad seeds but so have we all. I tend to look at failed relationships as an opportunity to learn something about yourself and what you want from the world and from future relationships. Better that you see these people for who they are now rather than later when you've already walked the aisle with them. I'm sure with time you'll find someone who is truly amazing. In the mean time just keep being yourself and try not to think about it so much

tcunbeliever

Once upon a time there were very strict social rules for courting and signaling interest - on both sides, men and women. Men would dance or walk, women would use fans or just happen to have tickets to something, etc. That has changed, and certainly there is no disputing that one of the big changes is that a lot of the old rules have been replaced by new confusion in the communication department. There's nothing wrong with you, and likely there isn't anything wrong with some of the guys, but perhaps you are not clearly communicating interest. I would suggest doing some reading regarding body language (actions speak louder than words) and practice with it. Particularly if you can find books or online articles involving courtship/dating body language. It would be worth educating yourself with hook-up body language if only to avoid it since that is clearly not your style. I have always been very aware of body language, but I see lots of people of all ages who just have no clue how much of a disconnect there is between what they say verbally and what they say physically, particularly in relationships with the opposite gender. It seems to be a lost art in todays society, no one teaches it, but there is no doubt that most people will still respond unconsciously to body language more so than the spoken word. You seem very bright, I have no doubt you will pick it up in no time!

LordBezoar

Hopefully that'll work...In case it doesn't it says:"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by *kitten*"

How does that relate, well, have you first confirmed the guys you've gone out with are not in fact *kitten*/douche's/jerks/etc?

It probably isn't that you are attracting the wrong guys, just it is a lot easier to come across the wrong ones!

This^^