Need some advice on a family member

cydonian

This might be long but I'll try to stay to the point.

I need some help with my mother. I love her but her eating habits and body image issues scare me, frankly. I went wedding dress shopping a few weeks ago and she let herself be measured just for fun, and then in the car afterward told me about how she feels fat and bloated all the time, and unhappy. She is 5'9, just over 160 pounds and has a 29 inch waist. I think she is in great shape for being 59. She needs to be more active but dropping a bunch of weight isn't going to fix her issue. I agreed to do something with her in the evenings 2x per week, whether it be working out, yoga, zumba, something, to try and help her.

Here is the problem for me. She doesn't eat. I mean that quite literally. She doesn't eat breakfast, she drinks a can of Pepsi and eats crackers at lunch, and has a really small dinner. My dad and her normally eat some slab of meat with a boxed side on a nightly basis, and little to nothing in the way of veggies. They do not eat fruit. I tried to explain to her that eating lots of sodium can make you feel bloated, and if she's NOT eating much then when she does eat a meal, her body doesn't know how to process it. She won't listen. She's of the mindset that you eat less and you lose weight but she has lowered her metabolism so much that I think she is destroying her body. What I am worried about is that I'll start exercising with her and she'll pass out from lack of food intake. My husband suggested that I tell her that I will only go with her if she starts eating breakfast/lunch but how do I know she has eaten? I just need some help/advice/anything!

cydonian

Bump. Actually need help on this =/

RLeighP

Uh, wow, PP. That was helpful.

To to OP, why don't you get her on MFP and show her some of the posts on the forums? Google some nutritional experts opinions and sit her down and tell her that you're worried about her. She may not realize that she's really harming herself.

digitalsteel

I wish there was an easy answer for this, but if she is going to resolve this problem she has to do it for herself. There are several aproaches you can take, but I'd say if she has such a loss of apitite it might be good reason to seek medical atention as that can be a symptom of an underlying cause.

cydonian

Uh, wow, PP. That was helpful.

To to OP, why don't you get her on MFP and show her some of the posts on the forums? Google some nutritional experts opinions and sit her down and tell her that you're worried about her. She may not realize that she's really harming herself.

That is something I have considered and will try again. I did do her a calorie counter and her BMR when dieting was something like 1375 calories and she was like "oh, wow", but I think she'll just eat all that in one meal at the end of the day. I will try again.

cydonian

I wish there was an easy answer for this, but if she is going to resolve this problem she has to do it for herself. There are several aproaches you can take, but I'd say if she has such a loss of apitite it might be good reason to seek medical atention as that can be a symptom of an underlying cause.

Thank you for the reply... I'm worried it's medically related too =/

cmriverside

I'm pretty sure you are not going to change her at 59 years old. You love her and you're worried - as you should be. All you can do is tell her that, and let her run her own life.

You've learned enough about nutrition to set a good example, but there's not much more you can do. Take care of your health, that's really all you can control.

If she wants to go exercise with you, at least you are spending time together. Bring some healthy nutritious snacks to share with her.

CassieLeigh86

Well, it seems like you are right to be worried.

My mom is going to be 55 in the fall, and for the last several years has complained that she doesn't like the physical changes that are happening to her body. Unfortunately, I think much of that is age. Metabolism slows and your body starts to shift where it holds fat and such around menopause. She has started to work out more regularly, and tries to eat healthy meals and snacks more often.

It seems like your mom, while wanting to be healthy, isn't willing to accept/doesn't understand that your body needs fuel, and good quality fuel at that, to function and work properly. You could maybe try bringing a healthy pre-workout snack to your sessions with her, and explain that her body will perform better and thus the workout will be more effective. I definitely think that it would be hard to "make" her eat breakfast/lunch, unless you literally watched her eat...which wouldn't be a good solution for either of you.

Other than that, perhaps leading by example would help? Maybe direct her to this website, and some of the good resources that it offers. If possible, it might be fun/informative for the two of you to see a nutritionist or personal trainer and talk about eating. Hearing things from a stranger (especially one that is knowledgable about these things) might sink in more than hearing them from a loved one.

It's hard to be worried or concerned about someone you love like this, but unfortunately the only person that can really change your mom's bad habits IS your mom.

cydonian

If she wants to go exercise with you, at least you are spending time together. Bring some healthy nutritious snacks to share with her.

That could be a way of getting her to eat before we do anything... bringing some fruit or something. Hm, thanks for the suggestion!

LastMinuteMama

This is a tricky one!

It's really hard to help someone see their bad habits without upsetting them. I really don't have any answers, but would love to see if anyone out there has any words of wisdom.

I can share this though...my grandmother ate cookies and drank tea all day. She wasn't a big fan of vegetables. She slowly wasted away in a nursing home when she started suffering from dementia, most likely brought on by poor nutrition. It was the most horrible thing I have ever had to witness to in my life. She was my most favorite person and I miss her so. Since then, my mother now eats a healthier diet because she doesn't want her mind to go like that. So, aside from having to go through a rough experience like that , I'm not sure what else can spark change in someone?

KPainter70

Do you have kids? What about telling her you're worried your kids will pick up her unhealthy habits?

jcpmoore

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My grandmother also did not eat. She stopped eating when she no longer had someone to cook for besides herself. Here's the thing-you can tell her what you know, lead by example, and tell her how you feel. I second the idea of bringing a healthy vegetable or fruit snack before you exercise. But remember this: you can only change yourself. You cannot change your mother. She has to want to change and make that change for herself for it to happen. There's no easy way to say this, but you can't control it.

If she accepts the snacks, offer more. Take her out to lunch sometimes. Maybe print out some of the success stories on here from people who didn't succeed until they started eating realistic amounts of food. That might help encourage her.

But in the end it is up to her.

Hugs and I hope she listens to you.

JoolieW68

She will only change if she wants to, but I'm sure you already know that. And you're a wonderful daughter for wanting to help her.

What about showing her the benefits of eating a balanced diet (more energy, healthier bones, etc) vs an unhealthy one (poor skin tone, brittle bones, digestive issues, etc)?

At her age, she should be concerned (among other things) about her bones being strong enough.

Just a thought, and good luck to you.

slrrese

I agree with other posters that maybe printing out some health expert information and going over it may help her. Also, maybe offering to go with her to see her Dr. She could be depressed? Do they have much of a social life?

I would also add, do you have time to help her by making some healthy meals that she could just warm up? Maybe this would help spur her appetite if you did this? Particularly for the days you will work out with her, if she has meals she is expected to eat that you have made you can check to see that she has eaten them. Use disposable containers and ask for them back so you can make more and that is also how you may know if she is eating.

Sorry- that has to be so frustrating and helpless feeling. My parents don't eat great either and are both overweight. Not because they eat a lot, they just don't eat the right foods. I am too far away to help much. I try sending my mom healthy recipes but I don't know if she ever makes them.

sarvissa

My mom is very similar, although instead of Pepsi, it's beer. Last time I visited her (she lives across the country) I actually went out and bought a bunch of fruit and vegetables because I just couldn't eat what she had in the house. Boxed meals, pizza rolls, and beer...absolutely NOTHING fresh. I made a few dinners which she REALLY loved, but I'm sure after I left, she went right back to the way she was eating. The thing is though, she's rather thin, so I'm sure she thinks she's good. I don't have any answers

cydonian

Thank you so much for all of the lovely responses, I really appreciate it. I'll spam up the thread trying to respond individually so I will touch on a few points:

- Her and my dad watch a fair amount of Food Network so I notice that she has introduced things like dried cranberries and goat cheese into her diet, which is interesting. I think they've gotten some ideas on there but I don't live at home anymore so I don't know what they eat on a nightly basis. My dad eats a lot of fried, heavy food, it's the family he comes from.

- I think she mostly needs to be more active. I do think she is depressed due to lack of activity.

SIrrese I love your suggestion and I may try that. I do have them over at my house relatively often for food and I've introduced them to things they never would have tried (indian food!).

Juwaack68, I think I'm gonna send her that video of the person eating ramen... she doesn't eat it but she might get the point!

And I do not have kids so I can't use that as a balancer ;-)

Slice1

Does your mom like to read? Perhaps get her a simple book on nutrition? Something with simple terms that's not going to fly over her head?
Maybe there's a "Nutrition for Dummies" book out there?

I have similar issues with my mom. She complains, but doesn't do anything. Her alcohol consumption doesn't help either.
And she's also of the mindset that if you eat a couple crackers as a meal, you'll lose weight.