When your spouse says you need to lose..

myiamilone99

Alright ladies, have you done this? I just dug myself into a hole I completely created myself.

Can't be mad at the man- I asked for it and got what I got.

I've been trying to lose weight after 2 years ago I lost a total of 60 lbs (It took me a previous 3 years to lose that 60lbs I was 210)

I started dating my fiancee at 160lbs, size 12, 5'8 curvy girl. Right away I noticed one thing: All his ex's were below a size 2.

Now don't call me crazy, we've all done it. I am just being honest. I started to obsess over this fact. Not to mention they where all middle eastern/latina women as well (fat white girl here)

But he reassured me, and tells me he loves me the way I am.

Cue me wanting to lose weight for MYSELF-as I finally hit 168 and so tired of it all. I put a goal at 145, and so far I've lost 12 lbs.

Then, one day, I asked that STUPID question

"Honey, be honest. Would you like it if I was skinner?"

Now, don't be fooled, he skated around it, tried ignoring it, and everything. Finally one day after telling him over and over it wouldn't hurt my feelings I got the truth.

Yes, yes he would like it if I was thinner.

How much? He thinks 130 is a good goal.

I was taken aback. 130 seemed so skinny. I've never been that small...maybe sometime in the 5th grade?

But I appreciated his honesty UNTIL I tumblr a photo of my "goal body"

This body, in fact, I thought was a little unrealistic for me, too skinny as well. And he told what a great goal body this was and how perfect it was.

Now, what do you think I am doing now? That's right, feeling insecure. I opened a box I don't think I wanted to know (but secretly did, lets just say he has had some Freudian slips about my weight)

And yes it was followed by a lot of reassurance and sweet compliments, and the best thing is so far I am 10000% more motivated than ever before.

Have you ever done this? What are good self esteem tactics to deal with this? Men, what are YOUR opinions?

taramaureen

I did it once. My husband, god bless him, lied through his teeth and told me how perfect I am. Doesn't know I overheard him talking to someone else about it with his real feelings. I just reminded myself that he loves me still and would lie to protect my feelings which is sweet LOL

VanillaBone

Ha ha, I asked a question I shouldn't have once. I understand the feeling.

The fact is, he got with you at 160. Obviously there's something he loves about you that allowed him to overcome his size preference.
He didn't force the issue, he just answered the question honestly. Whether you decide to go for 130 or not, always keep that in mind.

pinuplove

I'm sorry you're in that situation. If the rest of your relationship is good, and you feel he truly loves and respects you, I suggest you try to put his ideals out of your mind and work on being the best you can realistically be.

My husband's exes were all beautiful, ballet dancers, actresses and the like. Also very exotic, whereas I am a plain Jane small-town girl. But he loves me to bits and I couldn't ask to be treated better. Obviously he sees something in me that they didn't have I'm hopeful the same is true of your husband.

TIDDYBEAR

Lesson learned.......don't ask questions you don't WANT the answers to!!

Sl1ghtly

You should apologise immediately, then serve beer and pizza to him while wearing your 'sporting woman' outfit.

shortevette

I know EXACTLY what you are saying. My husband is a sweet and wonderful man and I know he loves me no matter what. But he is a very honest person and has told me (when I asked him) that yes he would find me more attractive if I were to lose weight. This is a super hurtful thing to hear but for some crazy reason we all ask it sooner or later hoping that he will say "oh honey you would still be perfect to me if you weighed 400 pounds" but here in the real world that is not what they are going to say if you tell them to be HONEST. I was chubby when he and I started dating and it took me three years to lose most of the weight I wanted to lose, I was about 10 pounds away from my goal weight and then found out I was pregnant. SO I gained a lot of weight during the pregnancy and then actually a little more after I had my daughter so at 5'1" I was up to 183 pounds and pushing out of my size 16 pants. It was horrible and it has taken me a long time(over two years) but I am now down to 133 and only about 13 pounds from my goal weight. I am actually feeling like I am good at this weight being in a size 8 and feeling very good. But the dummy I am I said this to my husband and asked him his honest opinion again and I got that damn honest answer. "you are looking SOOOO much better but you would still look even better if you were to lose a little more and make it to your original goal" UHG why do we always ask that stupid question? I am with you on this, a work in progress and I hope to make it to my goal. Good luck and I personally think that 130 for a woman that is 5'8" is a little too skinny as well

Maggie_Pie1

Turn the tables on him, say "Since we're being honest..." and tell him what you would like him to change about himself, like a little less honesty for one :-) I say this somewhat tongue in cheek.

Di3012

Alright ladies, have you done this? I just dug myself into a hole I completely created myself.

Can't be mad at the man- I asked for it and got what I got.

I've been trying to lose weight after 2 years ago I lost a total of 60 lbs (It took me a previous 3 years to lose that 60lbs I was 210)

I started dating my fiancee at 160lbs, size 12, 5'8 curvy girl. Right away I noticed one thing: All his ex's were below a size 2.

Now don't call me crazy, we've all done it. I am just being honest. I started to obsess over this fact. Not to mention they where all middle eastern/latina women as well (fat white girl here)

But he reassured me, and tells me he loves me the way I am.

Cue me wanting to lose weight for MYSELF-as I finally hit 168 and so tired of it all. I put a goal at 145, and so far I've lost 12 lbs.

Then, one day, I asked that STUPID question

"Honey, be honest. Would you like it if I was skinner?"

Now, don't be fooled, he skated around it, tried ignoring it, and everything. Finally one day after telling him over and over it wouldn't hurt my feelings I got the truth.

Yes, yes he would like it if I was thinner.

How much? He thinks 130 is a good goal.

I was taken aback. 130 seemed so skinny. I've never been that small...maybe sometime in the 5th grade?

But I appreciated his honesty UNTIL I tumblr a photo of my "goal body"

This body, in fact, I thought was a little unrealistic for me, too skinny as well. And he told what a great goal body this was and how perfect it was.

Now, what do you think I am doing now? That's right, feeling insecure. I opened a box I don't think I wanted to know (but secretly did, lets just say he has had some Freudian slips about my weight)

And yes it was followed by a lot of reassurance and sweet compliments, and the best thing is so far I am 10000% more motivated than ever before.

Have you ever done this? What are good self esteem tactics to deal with this? Men, what are YOUR opinions?

I am female, but am gonna stick my opinion in anyway lol. Most of us have opened a can of worms that we wish we had never touched, unfortunately, that can has been opened exposing all sorts of things and insecurity is more often than not the result, so you are not alone.

You don't need any tactics, you are already completely and utterly motivated and just reading your post anybody can see it is highly likely, very much so, that you WILL reach your goal.

Just remember this, as each week goes by and you lose a pound here and a pound there, you are getting slimmer and slimmer. Just keep plugging on and you will succeed and as you see yourself losing weight because YOU are putting in the effort, your confidence will soar.

Personally, your posting, I found very inspirational when you say how motivated you now are. I don't think you quite realize how much your attitude empowers - well it does, it makes me, for one, feel like going out to burn loads and loads of calories to get me closer to my goal!

ps your husband will love you regardless and always has.

ahmommy

I think it's a darned if you do, darned if you don't situation for the men in these scenarios. If they say you're perfect the way you are, they may not be providing the support and motivation you need to achieve your goals. If they say you would look good losing a few more pounds, they risk hurting your feelings.

It's like my husband assuring me that he likes my itty bitties. But I see his eyes pop out of his head when I'm nursing and I'm up 3 cup sizes. The truth is, when the choice is itty bitties or none at all, he'll take the itty bitties, thank you very much. He loves me the way I am, and that trumps whatever his perfect ideal would be.

breezymom81

Nope sorry I have blessedly never been there! I was a girl with an hour glass figure when I met my husband at 17-at 5'1" weighed in at 115lbs....fast foward 14 years and two kids I still have an hour glass-just a large one - at 217lbs....

He honsetly still thinks I am perfect! I have heard him talking to others about how beautiful his wife is....I am a hell of a lucky woman! :smooched:

myiamilone99

Thank you Decemberchild that is so great of you to say Def put a smile on my face!

I agree with you shortevette, it is all about being honest sometimes. I didn't let him know my feelings where hurt because it might cause him in the future to not open up! I also would rather KNOW how he felt then spend half my time insecure and wondering about it.

Half the time, if I suspect something I make it 1000 times worse in my head. It is better to ask sometimes!

I was in a previous relationship where my boyfriend gained 70lbs-and I wanted him to lose it! It didn't mean anything changed, so that is how I am looking at this!

For right now I want to keep my goal at 145 but see where I am at

LPCoder

I will tell a little story about my husband because it seems the place to do so. My husband and I have been married for 25 years and he has seen me at my best and worst. one of the things I noticed was when I did something, he would automatically do it as well. For example, when I quit smoking, he did so as well. When I took up gardening, he started obsessing with the lawn. When I started moving to healthy, organic foods, he did too.

So I knew that when I decided to lose weight, he would eventually follow my lead. One of the reasons I chose to lose weight is that my husband and I were both overweight. He had already been on cholesterol meds and those can be dangerous to the liver. I was hoping that if I took the initiative to lose weight that he would do the same. Well, I am pleased to say that he has done so.

I would never tell my husband this was part of my plan, but honestly, it was one reason. My husband's well being is always a priority for me and I will do what I can to keep him healthy and loved, with his pride intact.

So please don't worry about your size, he loves you, has told you so. Just being healthy is enough.

knightreader

i don't understand why people ask questions they don't want the answers to. i just don't get it.

jching29

Well...I did ask my girlfriend this question, about three months ago. I asked her to find a picture of a body size/shape she'd like to see me at. I almost cried when she picked out a picture we'd taken a few days before. She told me, very honestly, that she'll very much miss my "curvy, cuddly" body, but that she understands why I want to lose weight. And that as long as my chest doesn't change very drastically, we'll all be happy. I think I can live with that :blushing:

nyemu

As humans we always want more (or in this case less!) If he came to you and asked "Babe, would you want me to earn $100 000 more?" you'd probably answer hell yes. That doesn't mean that you love him any less right now. Set idealistic goals FOR YOURSELF and then make them a reality!

gingerveg

Well...I did ask my girlfriend this question, about three months ago. I asked her to find a picture of a body size/shape she'd like to see me at. I almost cried when she picked out a picture we'd taken a few days before. She told me, very honestly, that she'll very much miss my "curvy, cuddly" body, but that she understands why I want to lose weight. And that as long as my chest doesn't change very drastically, we'll all be happy. I think I can live with that :blushing:

Very sweet and this ^ is exactly what the OP's BF should have said. OP you need to clear the air with him lest you have a long term complex.

8goodgirl0

My partner doesn't seem to see any of the things I consider flaws. Flab, Spots, Bad Breath, Stupid hair and don't get me started on my character traits. He thinks I'm great.

Janelle173

bahhh, been there, DOING that. I can totally feel you OP.

What I found though was that I couldn't focus on getting in shape just for his ideal weight/shape that I think he has of me or that he has implied he has had of me...or what he ever has shown me he would like me to be.

That was causing me to have a complex. So. I told him that I was struggling with my weight loss, and I thought it was because I was doing it for the wrong reasons at the forefront of my mind. I really changed how I looked at this journey and am doing it for me first and foremost. For a slew of reasons that have to do with health, vanity (fitting into my clothes in an aesthetically pleasing way FOR ME), peace of mind/mental health, to prove to myself I still have drive to complete something in my life like my health and fitness goals, etc.

Then, comes being able to keep up with my kid, and have healthy future pregnancy/ies.

Then comes being able to wear lingerie and what not and of course having him appreciates what he sees more often than not.

I decided my best bet with this is to be selfish with my reasons and goals as well as my journey.

And, when I get to a point that I am happy with, and I feel is my personal best, if he isn't happy with it, then that is something he would need to address within himself.

When we got together, I was a nice 120 lbs, at 5'.25" that put me as a nice curvy, hourglass figure, with a pretty flat stomach, and big chest.

I just had our baby this past March and the day I went into delivery, I was 195 lbs! I am currently between 164 and 166.

So, I can understand that I am currently not what he originally signed up for, physically.

But, $h!t happens...and I am going to do this for a slew of reasons, and to get my own self confidence back is at the top of my list.

I guess my biggest issues has been 2 things:

When I think of what he probably prefers, I have felt like I can't get there over night, and my best may not even be what he prefers, so then I start feeling overwhelmed with insecurity because while I am in this state of being unfit, all I was thinking was-"he wants something/someone else." All his exes were like 100lbs dripping wet, no curves, and pretty plain. BUT, I can't let that bother me. I started having the stance like what another poster said: Obviously he sees something in me that he didn't see in those other girls, because this is where he is at. Also, I have always had a pretty high sex drive (Sorry if TMI), and he never has, even when I was really fit. He slipped a few times while drinking and said something when I brought up our sex life (my mistake to do that while he was drinking) along the lines of if I was smaller he would maybe have a higher sex drive. I did end up calling him on it when he was sober, and pointed out that even when we first met he didn't have much of a drive. He agreed and then mentioned he thinks he has low testosterone. I won't let him go on the meds for it because I like my guy the way he is, which is usually thoughtful, sweet, and with emotions he isn't scared of showing. I heard those meds will sometimes make a man like a monster. Dated a monster before for 5 years. Don't want that again!

My other issue is this: because I know that he would prefer the smaller me from before over what he has in me now, I ended up with a complex where I have been wondering about our longevity. I love this man with all my heart. He treats me amazing in many ways. He is an awesome dad to our son. He takes care of us. But, does he love me less or think about not marrying me because of my current weight? He fluctuates like 20 lbs (i know, that isn't THAT much on a 6'1" man), and whether he is cut with muscle definition, or has love handles and flabby arms, I am still going to love him and not ever think about cheating on him with someone "more fit" and it has never caused me to be unattracted to him...I just would hope that he would be the same, otherwise, I couldn't see us marrying. He recently told me he is still attracted to me, but does want me to be healthy, and we all prefer fit mates (well, usually-we all have heard of chubby chasers, right?). So, I am working on the complex I created about that.

He is also very encouraging...will watch our baby so I have time to do my JM work outs, will make a trip out of his way to stop and get food I need at a specific store...

He also puts all our vitamins in a daily reminder thing.

So, he is very encouraging, and not just focusing on me becoming smaller, but also healthier in general.

I am hoping that we, as a family, can just live healthier lives in general. The weight loss should follow.

I also agree with another poster about 130 maybe being too low for someone who is 5'8", but I am not that height, so I have no idea. I would say, get to your personal best, and tell him you hit your goal. You don't need to share the number with him. If you get to 145, tell him you hit your goal, if that is where you feel your best at. He probably won't even know you are at 145 instead of 130.

Honestly, that number really isn't any of his business...

Sorry this is so lengthy. BUT, I am glad I came across your post because this is something I was dealing with recently and had been for quite some time. I just changed my views on October 15 about it all after doing some serious "soul searching" about this journey i am on!

weird_me2

Well...I did ask my girlfriend this question, about three months ago. I asked her to find a picture of a body size/shape she'd like to see me at. I almost cried when she picked out a picture we'd taken a few days before. She told me, very honestly, that she'll very much miss my "curvy, cuddly" body, but that she understands why I want to lose weight. And that as long as my chest doesn't change very drastically, we'll all be happy. I think I can live with that :blushing:

Very sweet and this ^ is exactly what the OP's BF should have said. OP you need to clear the air with him lest you have a long term complex.

That was very sweet what his g/f said, but I don't believe that this is how the b/f of the OP should have reacted if it's not how he truly felt. That's not being honest, and it could cause problems in the end.

Now, as for the goal weight thing, a lot of people (men and women both) really have no way to know what a certain weight will look like on a certain person. Someone may say "I think a good goal for you would be 130" but then think their mate looks perfect at 150. I know that when I was smaller, people were floored at how much I weighed. If someone were to truly guess my weight, they were usually off by a good 30 lbs, so if they were to guess a goal weight for me, they'd guess way low.

ClassicPearl

Please don't ever change your body weight because of a man! The worst thing to do.

He got together with you when you were a size 12. He fell for your mind, not your body. He's not with those skinny girls anymore, too. So if he really wanted someone skinny, he could dump you and go for the size 2.

Work out and become healthier for YOU.

quirkytizzy

Those conversations are always unintentionally gut-wrenching. Nobody gets out alive from those.

kristen6022

I'm 145 and 5'11 and wear a 6 dress pant and 4 jeans. I'm not "skinny" by any means. I know it's hurtful for a man to tell you what he really thinks sometimes, but you asked him. Really it shouldn't matter, but now you know. I indeed think 130 is a bit low, but if I can do 145, I'm thinking you'd look great somewhere in between. This is coming from a woman that never thought I'd wear lower than a 10. It is possible, if you want it. If you don't, don't go that low. I'm just saying it's not horribly low...

hikeout470

What is that quote? "You can never be too rich or too thin?" Grin, with the OP. You make it through these conversations and it makes you closer, I think. Hang in there.

gingerveg

Well...I did ask my girlfriend this question, about three months ago. I asked her to find a picture of a body size/shape she'd like to see me at. I almost cried when she picked out a picture we'd taken a few days before. She told me, very honestly, that she'll very much miss my "curvy, cuddly" body, but that she understands why I want to lose weight. And that as long as my chest doesn't change very drastically, we'll all be happy. I think I can live with that :blushing:

Very sweet and this ^ is exactly what the OP's BF should have said. OP you need to clear the air with him lest you have a long term complex.

That was very sweet what his g/f said, but I don't believe that this is how the b/f of the OP should have reacted if it's not how he truly felt. That's not being honest, and it could cause problems in the end.

A lasting relationship is one in which partners love and support each other ---inherent "flaws" and all. And while I agree honesty is vital, the nature of the comments here sounds more like "I want you to be someone else" (since she is back down to the weight she was at when they met) rather than a comment with the intention of giving constructive criticism (i.e. something she might actually be able to change [given her height 5'8" and the fact that she said she was curvy 130 sounds unrealistic]). The world already does an excellent job of injecting insecurities into us, we don't need the source to also flow from the person closest to us. I have a feeling her BF was just trying to be supportive and his comment just happened to come across as harsh. But the OP and her BF should really talk now about her insecurities with the weight of his past GFs and her perception of his preferences.

ETA: My only credentials for my comments ^ are that I've dated plenty and now have been with my perfect partner for over 15 years. He loves me unconditionally-- every last flaw. We provide each other with critical feedback on a lot of things and over the years it has helped us both grow. Our relationship is built on honesty and good communication. But neither of us would dream of criticizing the other about something that is unlikely/unable to change (especially physical features). Maybe it's just us, but we both think this is what every relationship should be like.

ETA II: OP, I looked at your pictures and wow you are gorgeous. You look like you have the perfect hourglass shape. I'm thinking you would not have too much in the form of curves if you were to lose a ton more weight. After looking at your pics I really doubt your BF would want to see all your lady curves shrink. He probably has no clue what 130 would look like on you.

MissFitee

Basically you cornered him and made him answer something he didn't want to because he loves you so much he doesn't want to hurt you. We all have wishes and dreams. Some of us may wish that our better half would share the same interest in diet or fitness. Some wish that their hubby would be more romantic or join them in rock climbing adventures.

To me it seems like he really loves you even though you're not perfect(who is?) and that he does not want to lose you. Be glad.

That being said; I've done the same thing and I know my boyfriend would like me a little chubbier. He hates it when I try to lose weight or tone but I'm not changing my body to his preference. My body is mine.

Midnight_Sunshine

Honestly men have absolutely NO idea how much a woman should weigh.

I wouldn't take anything he says about how much you "should" weigh seriously.

iampanda

Alright ladies, have you done this? I just dug myself into a hole I completely created myself.

Can't be mad at the man- I asked for it and got what I got.

I've been trying to lose weight after 2 years ago I lost a total of 60 lbs (It took me a previous 3 years to lose that 60lbs I was 210)

I started dating my fiancee at 160lbs, size 12, 5'8 curvy girl. Right away I noticed one thing: All his ex's were below a size 2.

Now don't call me crazy, we've all done it. I am just being honest. I started to obsess over this fact. Not to mention they where all middle eastern/latina women as well (fat white girl here)

But he reassured me, and tells me he loves me the way I am.

Cue me wanting to lose weight for MYSELF-as I finally hit 168 and so tired of it all. I put a goal at 145, and so far I've lost 12 lbs.

Then, one day, I asked that STUPID question

"Honey, be honest. Would you like it if I was skinner?"

Now, don't be fooled, he skated around it, tried ignoring it, and everything. Finally one day after telling him over and over it wouldn't hurt my feelings I got the truth.

Yes, yes he would like it if I was thinner.

How much? He thinks 130 is a good goal.

I was taken aback. 130 seemed so skinny. I've never been that small...maybe sometime in the 5th grade?

But I appreciated his honesty UNTIL I tumblr a photo of my "goal body"

This body, in fact, I thought was a little unrealistic for me, too skinny as well. And he told what a great goal body this was and how perfect it was.

Now, what do you think I am doing now? That's right, feeling insecure. I opened a box I don't think I wanted to know (but secretly did, lets just say he has had some Freudian slips about my weight)

And yes it was followed by a lot of reassurance and sweet compliments, and the best thing is so far I am 10000% more motivated than ever before.

Have you ever done this? What are good self esteem tactics to deal with this? Men, what are YOUR opinions?

130 will look different on everyone- he may be generalizing. You may be able to look just as fantastic without having to lose that much. But you did ask a loaded question. I asked the same question once, but I was prepared to do what it took. My husband didn't give me a "goal" though, he just gave me a general "I don't mind how you are now at all, but I would like it if you were more slender". I lost 36 lbs and he is happy. But he was fine before. Also, you have to stop obsessing about his exes. They aren't you, you aren't them. He saw something in you that he loves more than that, so let it go. It will poison you and your relationship. Be reasonable

Luvmesumkenny

If you can't handle the truth then don't ask. THAT'S THE KISS OF DEATH!
No matter what weight you reach you're are ALWAYS going to think you arnt skinny enough. Trust Me.. Men love a girl with confidence. Whatever size you are . ROCK IT! OWN IT!

IronGirlShae

Another long reply, sorry


Oh man this happened to me a few months ago. I was curvy when we started dating, and my bf said he never liked super thin girls. Over a few years I gained more weight, I was 200 lbs at my heaviest. I got really frustrated with the amount of pain and weakness I had, so I worked my butt off to lose 84 lbs. At a size 2 116lbs (5'2) I still had some curves but I was thinner than I was in high school (old pron dresses were LOOSE) And the bf liked it.

Fast forward a couple years more, a surgery and more health issues and I put back on 64 of the 84 I lost. My bf seemed kinda distant and odd for a few days, and he finally fessed up that he had noticed how much bigger I was. He didn't know why it bothered him, as I had been even bigger before. He figured it was because it happened so FAST this time, or maybe because he had actually seen me SKINNY and I was gorgeous. Or maybe because he was in the middle of a diet competition, and saw me sitting around like a slug while he worked out and ate veggies. But no matter his reason I felt like total crap. I was angry, and hurt. I ran on the elliptical for 30 min that day and couldn't move for two days. The anger didn't last and neither did my motivation

It's been a few months since then, and now that he is doing his second diet competition w/ co workers I decided to try again. I won't be as crazy dieting as I was before. Using MFP I am able to track calories better so I can allow myself treats. I'm just about to finish my first week and weigh in tomorrow. Doing this app and diet together has been wonderful. We are encouraging each other, and I do love when he sees how hard I am trying and congratulates me. I feel a stronger connection to him lately, and he must tell me he loves me a dozen times a day. He says he will miss some of my curvy bits when I'm skinny again, but I think he'll be so happy with the slim energetic me that he won't even care.

sweetchildomine

lol I made the mistake of doing the same thing with my boyfriend. I'm seriously still traumatized from his answer!! I'm not mad at him because hey, I'm the one who asked, but it still stings! To all the people saying "Don't ask if you can't handle the truth." Hello, if she knew it was going to hurt her feelings she wouldn't have asked. Sometimes you think you can take it but you can't. I thought I wouldn't care about his answer. In fact I knew exactly what he would say and I didn't think it would bother me, but it did. Anyway, don't worry about the number he gave you. Men have NO CLUE what women weigh lol. Lots of guys have guessed I weigh about 120 when really I weigh about 15 lbs more than that lol. I know it can make you feel insecure but you gotta remember that if he wasn't attracted to you the way you are he wouldn't have started dating you in the first place. It seems like you have a good guy. Just get to YOUR personal goal and I'm sure he will be happy if you are happy.