My (in person) support has become unsupportive

DoctorKyrina

Warning: It's a little ranty.

I've noticed some of my friends (mostly one) who were nice and supportive of me getting from obese to overweight who are much less supportive when I'm working towards a healthy BMI and getting fit. While I understand and respect that others are either earlier in their weight loss journey or are opting not to be on one, comments about my plateauing or regaining some weight are never meant to insult or demean anyone. I also get glared at if I celebrate any victory. I feel like a few people I know would be happier if I just shut up.

It's not even that I'm saying things to people who are bothered by it. I was feeling sort of bloated and so said so on Twitter, and got the evil eye and "You're not fat. I'm fatter than you." I had just gained 10-15lbs from two weeks of visiting famiy and I wasn't being active. That feels bad no matter the weight. There was also another time when I said to one person that I feel I can make my goal to be fit, instead of my old goal to be simply not fat, and I had someone else pull the "If you think you're fat, what does that say about me?"

I miss being able to talk to friends about my progress and my work. I cheer them on, but get nothing but glares in exchange.

mygrl4meee

I think if you are much thinner than them and talk about weight loss then it probably makes them if they are bigger feel bad. I know at times I have felt bad when in cases like that but mostly I don't tell people that they don't need to lose. Except last week I told a girl that was trying to lose weight that she looked great.

Sl1ghtly

You should take up squats. Squats solve everything.

DoctorKyrina

I think if you are much thinner than them and talk about weight loss then it probably makes them if they are bigger feel bad. I know at times I have felt bad when in cases like that but mostly I don't tell people that they don't need to lose. Except last week I told a girl that was trying to lose weight that she looked great.

I do worry about that, but am I supposed to do? Get skinnier friends just so I can still have people to talk to about weight loss? I congratuate my friend whe she gets exercise and is active. I've even told her she looks good. She scoffs and says she's fat and disgusting. I tell her she's not and I get a long talk about how she is. She doesn't believe good things. I can't even get a vague smile for my progress. I get "You're skinny enough, stop it!"

DoctorKyrina

You should take up squats. Squats solve everything.

By chance, my current workout does have squats (sort of).

penrbrown

My knee jerk reaction is to feel a little annoyed when someone much thinner then me complains about gaining weight or weight loss struggles..

Note. That's my KNEE jerk reaction. I know it's wrong and silly so I push it aside and get on with life but some people aren't very good at battling their knee jerk reactions.

Don't give up on your friends over this, just be a bit more sensitive to their struggles. I know you want to share your weight loss journey with them but it may be this isn't something you CAN share with them. Doesn't mean they can't be your friend, just means you have to share other parts of your life with them.

DAMNCHARLIE

You most be looking mighty good to them, sometimes when your doing a little better than others they get the green eyed monster. You can only tell an adult what he/she needs to do, they already know what they should be doing. You just keep up the good work and take care of yourself your all you have in the end....and good luck!

Alex_is_Hawks

Its human nature, to be like this. But what are friends if we aren't sticking to it through thick and thin, thick even meaning when they are negative because they are dealing with their own demons.

I'm not saying that they have a right to make you feel bad, they don't. But a sign of a good friend is someone who sticks by you when you are at your worst and firmly says "I understand that you don't feel so great, but I do and I'm entitled to feel this way."

I belong to a support group of fellow ladies that was put together by our doctor. The idea of the support group is that we counsel each other through our weight loss and so forth. I've managed to lose quite a bit, some of the other ladies have not, I know why they aren't losing, I see their efforts (or lack thereof) and so their sometimes catty comments at my successes hold me back from celebrating my hard work. So I DO understand what you are going through.

But in that support group I have some really awesome friends I have come to know and I have learned that when these negative moments happen with them I just have to say a simple, "I'm proud of myself and sharing this because i'm proud of my work" Usually that kicks them into better attitudes.

I've been on that other side when they were losing and I was plateauing for what seemed like forever, and I understand them wanting to be unsupportive because I wanted to be unsupportive at that time...but now I'm glad I wasn't and now it's their turn to learn.

If they don't, then I guess we weren't meant to be friends.

mygrl4meee

Sounds like she has self esteem issues and probably isn't the person to look for support from. I really wouldn't suggest you choose friends by their size. I was just stating how she could be feeling. Its not the same but if a person who has a million bucks or o complains about running out of money and I make less than 20 grand a year then I just don't have it in me to take it serious.

sweet110

None of us are there and really understand the dynamic. But i will say that sometimes when we become really interested in weight loss and fitness...we forget that maybe no one else really cares. The main reason why I'm on MFP isn't for the calorie counting features...its so I can have someone to talk to who is right where I am...someone who will commiserate with the plateau, will put up with my obsessing about the 1 lb gain, and will not be bored by my mundane struggles to exercise.

Although its terribly important to us....its really not that interesting. Be honest.

From what you describe, its not like anyone is saying "you're too thin" or "we like you better fat. eat a cookie" Its just that they aren't as excited and into it as you are. Do they have to be?

My advice? Lay of the diet and fitness talk with friends who aren't there with you. Focus on the things you have in common. Sometimes friends "do" grow apart. If you start training for marathons...friends who only want to eat nachos and watch movies together may start to drift away. But, sometimes, we put too much pressure on relationships...your friends don't have to be interested in everything you do to be supportive. And maybe if they don't have to be "interested" in the blow by blow, you will find them to be more supportive of your successes overall.

DoctorKyrina

Sounds like she has self esteem issues and probably isn't the person to look for support from. I really wouldn't suggest you choose friends by their size. I was just stating how she could be feeling. Its not the same but if a person who has a million bucks or o complains about running out of money and I make less than 20 grand a year then I just don't have it in me to take it serious.

Yeah. I was being needlessly dramatic there.
I guess I have a hard time seeing myself as the average/thin friend who still complains about their weight. Just over two or three years ago, I had a BMI of almost 37. I forced myself to be more active and to not eat ice cream everytime I had whims (I was seriously eating a full dessert multiple times per day. I'd have ice cream, forget, and eat some with another meal!) I guess I feel it's different because I'm not someone who naturally is skinny and had to work for it and am still not getting much apprecition for it.

And she does have self-esteem issues. I keep having to tell myself I can't fix that.

DoctorKyrina

My knee jerk reaction is to feel a little annoyed when someone much thinner then me complains about gaining weight or weight loss struggles..

Note. That's my KNEE jerk reaction. I know it's wrong and silly so I push it aside and get on with life but some people aren't very good at battling their knee jerk reactions.

Don't give up on your friends over this, just be a bit more sensitive to their struggles. I know you want to share your weight loss journey with them but it may be this isn't something you CAN share with them. Doesn't mean they can't be your friend, just means you have to share other parts of your life with them.

I'll note that. I've tried to even not address the things to her directly, but she'll reply when I'm talking to other people (who are interested).

DoctorKyrina

You most be looking mighty good to them, sometimes when your doing a little better than others they get the green eyed monster. You can only tell an adult what he/she needs to do, they already know what they should be doing. You just keep up the good work and take care of yourself your all you have in the end....and good luck!

I'm just shocked to be the friend who gets the green eyed monster. I'm just the weird friend!

DoctorKyrina

Its human nature, to be like this. But what are friends if we aren't sticking to it through thick and thin, thick even meaning when they are negative because they are dealing with their own demons.

I'm not saying that they have a right to make you feel bad, they don't. But a sign of a good friend is someone who sticks by you when you are at your worst and firmly says "I understand that you don't feel so great, but I do and I'm entitled to feel this way."

I belong to a support group of fellow ladies that was put together by our doctor. The idea of the support group is that we counsel each other through our weight loss and so forth. I've managed to lose quite a bit, some of the other ladies have not, I know why they aren't losing, I see their efforts (or lack thereof) and so their sometimes catty comments at my successes hold me back from celebrating my hard work. So I DO understand what you are going through.

But in that support group I have some really awesome friends I have come to know and I have learned that when these negative moments happen with them I just have to say a simple, "I'm proud of myself and sharing this because i'm proud of my work" Usually that kicks them into better attitudes.

I've been on that other side when they were losing and I was plateauing for what seemed like forever, and I understand them wanting to be unsupportive because I wanted to be unsupportive at that time...but now I'm glad I wasn't and now it's their turn to learn.

If they don't, then I guess we weren't meant to be friends.

The support group idea always sounds good, and it's interesting to know the same problems happen in these sort of group dynamics.

It's not as bad as it once was, but for awhile I was really losing motivation when I was getting the reactions. I do also know how hard it is to be supportive when someone seems to be doing better. I just hope I do better, and am supportive looking in the end. And I'll try to be proud of myself even if I can't get the support I want.

mygrl4meee

I think you have done a great job making healthy choices to become fit. Keep up the good work.

DoctorKyrina

None of us are there and really understand the dynamic. But i will say that sometimes when we become really interested in weight loss and fitness...we forget that maybe no one else really cares. The main reason why I'm on MFP isn't for the calorie counting features...its so I can have someone to talk to who is right where I am...someone who will commiserate with the plateau, will put up with my obsessing about the 1 lb gain, and will not be bored by my mundane struggles to exercise.

Although its terribly important to us....its really not that interesting. Be honest.

From what you describe, its not like anyone is saying "you're too thin" or "we like you better fat. eat a cookie" Its just that they aren't as excited and into it as you are. Do they have to be?

My advice? Lay of the diet and fitness talk with friends who aren't there with you. Focus on the things you have in common. Sometimes friends "do" grow apart. If you start training for marathons...friends who only want to eat nachos and watch movies together may start to drift away. But, sometimes, we put too much pressure on relationships...your friends don't have to be interested in everything you do to be supportive. And maybe if they don't have to be "interested" in the blow by blow, you will find them to be more supportive of your successes overall.

I know I've been probably guilty of that as well, and so I'll keep that in mind. The harder part is when I'm talking to people who are interesting and people who aren't butt in to tell me how disinterested they are or to have self-esteem leaking on me.

I may start up a Twitter account just for the weight loss talk then. I just see it as part of my normal rambling, but maybe I should separate it out so my fandom friends don't need to read it (and then my workout friends don't need to read the fandom things)

Maybe it'll be a good reason to get me to post to these boards a lot more if nothing else.

tabulator32

I do worry about that, but am I supposed to do? Get skinnier friends just so I can still have people to talk to about weight loss?

No. Find some friends that give a crap about your health instead of worrying about how fat they look when they stand next to you.

You've got some shallow friends their that berate you for trying to be healthy.

Tell'em to deal with it and your friend...or don't let the door hit'em on the way out.

Meg177

You are focusing on the numbers and everybody’s numbers are different so they may not relate to yours or appreciate what they might experience as a value judgment. If you change your presentation to a more general need you would probably get a different response. Rather than say “I gained 10 lbs” say “my pants are sure tight after that wonderful visit from the family”. Nobody wants tight pants and we can all sympathize. Instead of saying “I’ve got another 10 lbs to lose to reach my goal” something like “ I’ve got a dress I’ve just got to get into…” would be received differently. It’s just instead of having the other person feel judged or competitive. My .02

WTG on the loss btw. You look great!

DoctorKyrina

I think you have done a great job making healthy choices to become fit. Keep up the good work.

Thank you. I'm a natural glutton, so it's sometimes rough.

DoctorKyrina

I do worry about that, but am I supposed to do? Get skinnier friends just so I can still have people to talk to about weight loss?

No. Find some friends that give a crap about your health instead of worrying about how fat they look when they stand next to you.

You've got some shallow friends their that berate you for trying to be healthy.

Tell'em to deal with it and your friend...or don't let the door hit'em on the way out.

It is a shame to have to leave friends behind, but it may be the healthy way.

llahairdna

Jealousy looks good on no one, regardless of size. You look fantastic....just ignore the nay-sayers.

DoctorKyrina

You are focusing on the numbers and everybody’s numbers are different so they may not relate to yours or appreciate what they might experience as a value judgment. If you change your presentation to a more general need you would probably get a different response. Rather than say “I gained 10 lbs” say “my pants are sure tight after that wonderful visit from the family”. Nobody wants tight pants and we can all sympathize. Instead of saying “I’ve got another 10 lbs to lose to reach my goal” something like “ I’ve got a dress I’ve just got to get into…” would be received differently. It’s just instead of having the other person feel judged or competitive. My .02

WTG on the loss btw. You look great!

I focused on the numbers here, but I also said that my normally loose jeans were really snug when I was flying back. That was more depressing. When I look back, that did get more sympathy, but getting back into the jeans quickly didn't help
I'll keep it in mind though. I do have socially awkward penguin powers and this will certainly help

And thank you. I'm going to post a new picture after I finish my 30 Day Shred. I just did Day 4 today.

DoctorKyrina

Jealousy looks good on no one, regardless of size. You look fantastic....just ignore the nay-sayers.

Thank you. I do feel a lot better

Pifflesmom

This

My knee jerk reaction is to feel a little annoyed when someone much thinner then me complains about gaining weight or weight loss struggles..

Note. That's my KNEE jerk reaction. I know it's wrong and silly so I push it aside and get on with life but some people aren't very good at battling their knee jerk reactions.

Don't give up on your friends over this, just be a bit more sensitive to their struggles. I know you want to share your weight loss journey with them but it may be this isn't something you CAN share with them. Doesn't mean they can't be your friend, just means you have to share other parts of your life with them.