Finding Body Acceptance: This Is Me

KarmaxKitty

<=== this is me.

The last time I weighed myself, I was 139. Nine pounds from my goal weight. I've started toning, so the scale has gone up and because of it, I'm trying to leave the scale alone now.

Last year, I was 195+. I say plus because I stopped weighing at 195. Instant denial. No way was I close to 200 pounds! I'm too short for 200 pounds!

It wasn't until I saw a photo from one of my happiest memories that it hit me: I'm obese, and I don't even know how I got here...

I took that entire summer to start treating myself better. I was doing summer semester away at college, so I bought my own groceries and taught myself what those black and white bars on the side mean (Nutritional Values...). I was a five minute walk from the schools rec center, but during my first year, I'd gotten so heavy that walking there hurt too much, and I was afraid that a fat girl in the gym would be shunned. Summer semester = less students = having the gym practically to myself.

I rode the stationary bike that whole summer. I experimented with weight training. I took a swim class. I didn't eat McDonald's the whole two months...it was closer to me than the gym was. All my efforts and I dropped ten pounds for the whole semester. FREAKING AWESOME.

So I've kept up with it. Had some ups and downs, still do; made some adjustments here and there and kept on trucking. Now that I'm down to the last ten, I'm losing my cool. I'm SO CLOSE to being smaller than I've ever been. So close to being tight and toned, close to making my athletic body shape actually LOOK like it belongs to an athlete. I've started the climb in the karate ranks, started 30DS (who the heck woulda thunk I'd be duking it out with Jillian the Dragon???), and I'm wearing shorts that I bought because they were cute, not because they protected my thighs from dreaded "chub-rub."

Should I be happy? Most people say so. I'm not where I want to be, not at all. I don't love my body the way I want to. That's the one step I missed. I understand now what people mean when they say "love your body at every weight." I've never loved my body. I've always found it defective in some way. Could I be seeing phantom fat? Maybe. But I'm trying so hard to overcome it.

I've lost nearly 60 pounds.
Nearly 12 inches off of my waist.
4-5 dress sizes (don't get me started on jeans, oy-vey...).

I've gained muscle. I've gained competitiveness.

And now I'm teaching myself about self-confidence. It's a whole other journey.

cmriverside

I am so so so proud of you. You look amazing, and you sound healthy, too. :flowerforyou: :smooched:

KaleidoscopeEyes1056

Just want to say that I love this post, and you're awesome!

cutiepie2628

This is the greatest feeling.... keep it up... and congrats:flowerforyou:

liftandcycle

:flowerforyou:

peaceinside

Awesome post, very much in common...Things to ponder
Peace! :flowerforyou:

WinWinGo

60 pounds... *_*
You're an inspiration, and I mean that.

bobthesmogs

Love your post. What a journey you've had, and are continuing to have
Keep up the great work, you've done amazing job and treated your body with respect and kindness. What's not to love about it?

dudex03

That's amazing! I'm looking to lose 70, and I completely understand when you say you've never been pleased with you're body...I never have been either.
I do have a question though, did you have any flabby extra skin? I'm just afraid if I lose that much my skin will be all gross and stuff.

melbaby925

Great post! And congrats on all your outstanding hard work.

Some advice: Look at changing the way you talk to yourself - once you start looking at the positive and not focusing on the negative, everything will change.

I'm coming up on a year with MFP - and I'm not the same person I was when I started. Most people would say the physical changes were the biggest thing to happen to them. For me, I lost 40+ pounds, but my mental change was the biggest shift. I have NEVER looked in the mirror with anything complimentary to say to myself. And now I do. I've still got a long way to go to be at a healthy weight, but it no longer is the huge stress that it used to be. I tend to now appreciate the muscle I've built, and how great I feel and how far I've come. For the first time in my life, I've been successful in changing a lot of really bad food & exercise habits.

That voice in your head isn't perfect. It isn't God. It's just a really subjective you. Once you change the litany of that voice - everything will shift. Become conscious of how you talk to yourself and work on changing it. You can do it.

maryloo2011

Should I be happy? Most people say so. I'm not where I want to be, not at all. I don't love my body the way I want to. That's the one step I missed. I understand now what people mean when they say "love your body at every weight." I've never loved my body. I've always found it defective in some way. Could I be seeing phantom fat? Maybe. But I'm trying so hard to overcome it.

I've lost nearly 60 pounds.
Nearly 12 inches off of my waist.
4-5 dress sizes (don't get me started on jeans, oy-vey...).

I've gained muscle. I've gained competitiveness.

And now I'm teaching myself about self-confidence. It's a whole other journey.

First, you fcking rock. Great job on all your progress, truly a major milestone.

I say this with a sigh - self-confidence comes from within, obviously. We may be built differently but we are 100 percent one of the same. Still trying to find mine.

KarmaxKitty

That's amazing! I'm looking to lose 70, and I completely understand when you say you've never been pleased with you're body...I never have been either.
I do have a question though, did you have any flabby extra skin? I'm just afraid if I lose that much my skin will be all gross and stuff.

Not even going to lie. I have loose areas underneath my arms, some of which is still fat, but a lot is extra skin. It's slowly shrinking, but still...

Don't think about extra skin. I considered it too, in the beginning, and it always deterred me from trying to lose weight. But think of it this way: loose skin is MORE HEALTHY than unnecessary weight. My body is covered in stretch marks, but I tell myself that I traded those for a smaller body. When you've been overweight for a while, your skin stretches. It takes time for your body to catch up with the changes.

ETA: "You will regret not trying; you won't regret succeeding." courtesy of the fitblr-comm on tumblr!

DAM_Fine

That's amazing! I'm looking to lose 70, and I completely understand when you say you've never been pleased with you're body...I never have been either.
I do have a question though, did you have any flabby extra skin? I'm just afraid if I lose that much my skin will be all gross and stuff.

I lost about 35 pounds and I did have loose skin on my tummy - and I'm 57, when your skin doesn't rebound the way it does when you're younger. I read a lot and there are a few things I learned: A lot of times loose skin isn't just loose skin, there is still fat attached to it and once that's gone, the skin will tighten. Lidting and stretches can help with that. Look up Upward Facing Dog on Youtube and do it - it will help. Exfoliate - this will encourage new skin growth once the old skin has been sloughed off - and the new skin will fit your new shape a lot better. Use a skin firming moisturizer, if it has coconut water in it, that's a real plus - it has been shown that it helps skin look firmer and younger.

I wouldn't worry too much at your age - give it a little time and your body will adust.

KarmaxKitty

Thanks for all the well wishes everyone. We can do this! :laugh:

TamsinEllis

Can I just say you are one of my biggest inspirations on here, and I have a girl crush on you (non-sexual haha) and I love the progress you've made, and your food diary more often then not makes me jealous ^-^

lacewitch

congratulations on your hard work!
you've worked hard and reaped the rewards
I hope you can start to see yourself for the amazing beautiful girl you are

I sympathies entirely - I am really bad at self sabotaging because as I have recently discovered I've never believed I am, or could be attractive.

But am trying ... I am wearing make up ( almost daily) I am dressing up for work - no more jeans and t-shirt for me
I am treating my self too and pampering myself (hair cut, facial and makeup lesson this weekend)
and I am being nice to myself
even in my own head
if I start being negative ( e.g thinking about the size and shape of my butt) I stop myself and think bout something i like or something I've done that I couldn't do before and even thought I am not near my goal weight I am starting to be happy with what's in the mirror

So be kind to yourself and enjoy the amazing body you have fought for.
good luck!