Getting Past Putdowns

fearlessbetz

My dad is at my house today and I've forgotton how much he bugs me. I have heard several things that just needle me. "You need to go down just 6 more sizes" (Like it's that easy), or "I brought donuts, but not for you." (I wasn't going to touch them.) He thinks it's hysterical and it just annoys the crap out of me. I know what I'm doing and have lost 90 lbs. so far. We went to dinner with my parents. I was excited because I wore a dress that hadn't fit in 3 years. I had saved my calories for a dessert to share and he states loudly that "I don't need that". Obviously it still niggles and I tend to forget nothing. The fact that things bother me so much is a probably a big reason I turned to food for comfort. I'm trying to find better ways to deal with this and could use some suggestions. Thanks for listening to my rant! Off to walk the dog.

Amberchalon

Hey My Sweet Friend,

People will always say things that annoy us, but it hurts so much more when it comes from someone that we love. For me, I have had to set real boundaries with those that I love when it comes to certain comments. I have flat out said 'Hey, it bothers me when you say such and such and I wish you wouldn't' or 'I feel disrespected by you when you say xyz' sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn't if that person is determined to see things only from their point of view.....I think you venting on here is a good way for you to release some of the negative energy and also you taking your dog out for a walk. Writing is also a good thing, too.... CONGRATS on losing 90lbs! I cannot wait to be able to say I've lost 90lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

XOXOXO

Amber Chalon

Sl1ghtly

" Off to walk the dog." -That usually works for me.

7funnygirl7

What comes around goes around! Someday something will bite him in the *kitten* and you can be the first one to give a mouthful when it is not needed or wanted by him. Cheer up ~ you are doing FANTASTIC and should be very proud of yourself! Remember, those are only "words"...~ you used to carry all that extra weight around and am sure that hurt worse!! :flowerforyou:

fearlessbetz

Thanks Guys!

femmi1120

My dad is at my house today and I've forgotton how much he bugs me. I have heard several things that just needle me. "You need to go down just 6 more sizes" (Like it's that easy), or "I brought donuts, but not for you." (I wasn't going to touch them.) He thinks it's hysterical and it just annoys the crap out of me. I know what I'm doing and have lost 90 lbs. so far. We went to dinner with my parents. I was excited because I wore a dress that hadn't fit in 3 years. I had saved my calories for a dessert to share and he states loudly that "I don't need that". Obviously it still niggles and I tend to forget nothing. The fact that things bother me so much is a probably a big reason I turned to food for comfort. I'm trying to find better ways to deal with this and could use some suggestions. Thanks for listening to my rant! Off to walk the dog.

Oh man, I can so relate to this... My dad is similar. Not quite as bad as that though. He just makes snide little comments when he sees me eating anything sweet or fried (even if it's within my daily cals) like "that's 2000 calories right there." Or I remember once, when I was doing weight watchers, he said "Pretty soon you'll need to start borrowing your sister's allowance points"... it just made me so mad, and it got to the point where any time he'd make a comment like that I'd feel so sick with myself that I'd throw away what I was eating, spit out whatever I was chewing, and try to purge whatever I had already eaten.

He has NO idea it ever got this bad, but eventually I told him how sensitive I am about my weight and how horrible his comments made me feel. At first, he just accused me of "not being able to take a joke" but he's been a lot better about it and seems to be laying off more now.

So, moral of the story: talk to him! Don't let his insensitivity drag you down. Maybe if you can make him realize how out of line and uncalled for the comments are, he'll make an effort to stop. Good luck!

AndiJoy812

Call him on it. The next time he says something, say "Dad, I love you and I am trying really hard to get healthy. That comment was unnecessary and I don't need to hear that from you. If you can't be supportive, then please don't say anything." End of discussion. My mother-in-law is the same way, but she always says stuff about my husband...her own son. I counter those things with love and humor, and talk about how amazing he is, but she got the point. Be your own advocate...and if he gets pissy when you say that, stick to your guns.

dillyweed

If you replaced the words "dad" for "mom" ........

doubglass

Call him on it. The next time he says something, say "Dad, I love you and I am trying really hard to get healthy. That comment was unnecessary and I don't need to hear that from you. If you can't be supportive, then please don't say anything." End of discussion. My mother-in-law is the same way, but she always says stuff about my husband...her own son. I counter those things with love and humor, and talk about how amazing he is, but she got the point. Be your own advocate...and if he gets pissy when you say that, stick to your guns.

Right--"90 lbs. lost, I know what I'm doing. If you can't be constructive, please shut up!"

Jmstill300

Congrats on the weight loss! That's an accomplishment!

Some people don't know when to keep their mouth shut though. I would've told him that it's none of his damn business what you eat or do since you are an adult and can make your own decision and, unless he's gone through what you have, he has no right to judge or to make snide comments like that. Of course, karma's a b**** too and you can always wait for whatever he says to come back and bite him in the rear end as other people have suggested.

Again, well done with the weight loss!

chrysantheyums

It's hard because you'll have to stand-up for yourself, but isn't this whole self-improvement, health-improvement thing about standing up for yourself after all?

If you tell you dad, "I need you to be more supportive. My feelings are hurt because you say X,Y,Z..."

Although it's difficult, it's an accomplishment just as big as losing weight.

dreawest

parents huh. my mom has made comments since I was a kids and only slightly heavy that made me so defensive that I was in denial about how big I was for a long time. We have talked about it but it is still an awkward point and because it is so clear that my weight bothers her I feel like a disapointment or embarassment to her. Its too bad but I am trying to focus on my health and not worry about how other people make me feel (unless its positive).

Good luck, and because negative comments can add up make sure to counter what is said with positive facts, even if you just say it to yourself in the mirror. It sounds like you have a lot to be proud of.

cmriverside

That's too bad. Maybe you need to limit your time together.

Unfortunately, he is pushing you away. A lot of people don't realize they are even doing it.

I had "the talk" with my Mother probably 50 times in my life, but she never changed.

What did change is how often I was willing to see her, due to her negative banter. Sad, but that is the price they pay sometimes. And everyone suffers: I would have loved to spend more time with her - I just couldn't.

Cheval13

That's too bad. Maybe you need to limit your time together.

Unfortunately, he is pushing you away. A lot of people don't realize they are even doing it.

I had "the talk" with my Mother probably 50 times in my life, but she never changed.

What did change is how often I was willing to see her, due to her negative banter. Sad, but that is the price they pay sometimes. And everyone suffers: I would have loved to spend more time with her - I just couldn't.

I wonder if it will ever get that far with me. Now, I am trying to see that she means the best for me... but what you're saying and what I've been thinking for a while now is that despite that, she is hurting me and we normally do not put up with people that hurt us...

pinksparklevapor1965

so true,, thanks for the inspiration..:drinker: and honesty beautiful