Divorce/ LTR break-ups

Pamela3

I'm just curious if any of you have been in a marriage or a long relationship where you ultimately realized that no matter how much you care for the other person you're just not as happy with them as you think you should be? You are completely different people, with different interests and thought processes of life, you spend quantity time together but not quality and no matter how many conversations/arguments or personal efforts to make a positive change for whatever it is you're feeling unfulfilled about and ultimately nothing changes.

Maybe when you met things were great and then you grew into apart instead of with eachother and now you are ultimately just so different it can no longer be ignored....

Did it seem easier to feel trapped and suffer rather than hurt the other person?

What did you do and how did you get through it?

hbrittingham

Yes. Right now. After 21 years together. All the things you described and I am still working through the feeling trapped to avoid hurting him.

shanlynt

15 years, feel very trapped and stifled

Carl01

As an outsider looking in let me offer one bit of advice.

Do not try to tough it out silently,it will not get better unless openly addressed and worked on together.
It may mean the end of the road and all that entails or it may mean a stronger relationship after but trust me,no festering wound magically gets better without some sort of treatment.

Left on its own you will be miserable for as long as you stick it out and will ultimately end up exactly in the place you are today.
Talk it out with your partner and know exactly all outcomes,your happiness is just as important as his.

CoryIda

I'm in the middle of this right now.

We're separated now and I will be filing for divorce very soon.

I hate failing at something that is SUPPOSED to last forever but I am not the same person I was when we got married and so even if he changed the behaviors that drove me to separate, there is no going back.

We have known each other for 7 years. The last year and a half is when all of the "stuff" happened to change our relationship.

Trail_Addict

15 years.... last 5 felt trapped. Took a lot of courage to chew through my ankle and find freedom & happiness.

Loislaine61

Pamela,

You just wrote my story. 23 years for me. As you say, at first it was good, but as time went on things deteriorated. We had several rounds of counciling. When he came home from work I never knew who was coming through the door, Mr. Charming or Mr. Enraged. For my own mental health I had to leave. I can't offer any suggestions because I'm still working things out. I'm hoping this time next year I'll have my feet on the ground. Things are improving with the help of my family.

If you are struggling with this I suggest you just make a decision one way or the other. You can't live happy teetering on the fence.

Pamela3

Thank you all for sharing this with me. I'm in this position. Together for 5 years, married for 3. I openly talk to him about it, but it turns into my problem becuase he's perfectly happy.

I completely understand the hate feeling of failing at something that is supposed to last forever.. I do love him, I'm just not sure he's capable of providing what I need in a partner.

hbrittingham

CoryIda, you hit the nail right on the head. I am not the same person I was 21 years ago and even if he changed the behaviors that make me nutty, it just can't work anymore.

My biggest struggle about this is that he's really a nice person. But not the right person for me. I really don't want to hurt him, and this will hurt him, but I am and have been very unhappy. For several years.

MMoore_91

I agree with Carl 100%!

smplycomplicated

Thank you all for sharing this with me. I'm in this position. Together for 5 years, married for 3. I openly talk to him about it, but it turns into my problem becuase he's perfectly happy.

I completely understand the hate feeling of failing at something that is supposed to last forever.. I do love him, I'm just not sure he's capable of providing what I need in a partner.

It's not -your- problem. If he's perfectly happy, then he doesn't care for you as much as he should. If you truly love someone you would want them to be as happy as you, and if they weren't you would want to do as much as you could to make that happen.

Not telling you to leave, But i'm definitely not telling you to stay.

CoryIda

CoryIda, you hit the nail right on the head. I am not the same person I was 21 years ago and even if he changed the behaviors that make me nutty, it just can't work anymore.

My biggest struggle about this is that he's really a nice person. But not the right person for me. I really don't want to hurt him, and this will hurt him, but I am and have been very unhappy. For several years.

Exactly. My soon-to-be-ex is a very, very nice person. He just isn't a good husband for me and, quite honestly, I'm not a good wife for him either, although he disagrees.

hbrittingham

CoryIda, you hit the nail right on the head. I am not the same person I was 21 years ago and even if he changed the behaviors that make me nutty, it just can't work anymore.

My biggest struggle about this is that he's really a nice person. But not the right person for me. I really don't want to hurt him, and this will hurt him, but I am and have been very unhappy. For several years.

Exactly. My soon-to-be-ex is a very, very nice person. He just isn't a good husband for me and, quite honestly, I'm not a good wife for him either, although he disagrees.

That hits it even more on the head. I am not a good wife for him, either. I am not nearly as nice as I should/could be if I were actually happy. That's not fair to him, either. But he'd live the rest of his life obliviously married to me.

craigers13

I'm in the middle of this right now.

We're separated now and I will be filing for divorce very soon.

I hate failing at something that is SUPPOSED to last forever but I am not the same person I was when we got married and so even if he changed the behaviors that drove me to separate, there is no going back.

We have known each other for 7 years. The last year and a half is when all of the "stuff" happened to change our relationship.

This almost fits me to a tee. Looking back we probably let things go a little to far. Even though we still care for each other we have come to the conclusion that as we got older our life outlooks have changed and we both want different things. It was very, VERY tough to go through but coming out on the other side of it we both know we are better off. We have managed to keep it civil and we get along just fine as friends. You have to do what's right for you. It all works out in the end. I'm happy, she's happy and we're both moving on

Slice1

I was married for 10 months. I was with the guy for 4.5 years total though. Never should have gotten married. I was miserable.
I wanted out so bad, but kept trying to make it work.

Finally one week he was really mean to my son (not his son) who was 6 at the time. That was the breaking point. There was no way I was going to tolerate that. I called my dad to come get myself and my son and our stuff. Never looked back.

I'm glad I did it. Life is too short to be miserable. I'm now in a happy, healthy relationship.

Loislaine61

My X is also a very nice person. We're just not right for each other anymore. I struggled a long time with my decision.

Happymom12

As an outsider looking in let me offer one bit of advice.

Do not try to tough it out silently,it will not get better unless openly addressed and worked on together.
It may mean the end of the road and all that entails or it may mean a stronger relationship after but trust me,no festering wound magically gets better without some sort of treatment.

Left on its own you will be miserable for as long as you stick it out and will ultimately end up exactly in the place you are today.
Talk it out with your partner and know exactly all outcomes,your happiness is just as important as his.

I agree with this. No need to be unhappy. Talk it out and work on it to get better or get out. Praying for all of you guys having issues that a solution will come and unhappiness will be removed.

Farfourah

Married for eight months, I filed for divorce this past Monday. We've been separated for about three months...I just want it to be over pretty much.

alladream

I have been in that situation a lot over the years, but this time am with someone who is genuinely decent, although the last few years have been hell on and off due to things with health, money, stress, distance to see each other, partner's kids, whatever--but it's actually worth it, this time. I think real relationships simply take some work and some understanding that stuff isn't perfect, so you have to figure out what's really best, whether it's moving on or sticking with it and changing yourself in healthy ways--

BrienJD

16 years gone, married for only 10. Shoud have ended ot sooner and spared a whole lot of hurt. Stubborn or just unwilling to give up, still don't know.

TxAlpha

More oftern than not, the person that loses the weight is the one that finds all the problems with the relationship. Or the person who gets the job and makes all the money, or the person thats on top of life. In short, no one stays the same forever and as you change so does your mate. It's selfish to want out becasue you have changed and you haven't tried to teach your mate how to please the new you.....no matter what it is the new you likes or wants)......Just my opinion.....don't try and trade up because you've made a change in your life......(80/20 rule applieds here).....

bbbgamer

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WJZR

OK, been there did that got the tee shirt. I am married now 30 years to the right person. on three separate occasions, we split up. we had grown apart, we had nothing in common, we were on the verve of splitting up permanently. He moved out completely one time, and his brothers wife called me and said she was glad, she always knew it would not work out. We were quarreling about little stuff that had no meaning. We were just tired of eachother. we went to counseling, it did not work - and worse the counselor took sides. We eventually went to another counselor, and hit the right one this time. We really worked on this, because we realized we were both good people, what we first loved about each other was still there and buried, but still there. We went away for a few weekends and vowed to work on the stuff the counselor said we should. it got better, slowly, magically almost it got better. We have fought about money, kids, step kids (we were both married before), and other stuff, but the love we first felt is still there, and we are better together than apart.

my first marriage was to an abusive wife beater, who tried to kill me, and i was with him 12 years and right to leave him. This one is a prince, and i am glad we worked it out. Marriage is not easy, but if you dont want to hurt him, you still care for him. Keep trying.... its worth it sometimes. trust me,

solarpower4

CoryIda, you hit the nail right on the head. I am not the same person I was 21 years ago and even if he changed the behaviors that make me nutty, it just can't work anymore.

My biggest struggle about this is that he's really a nice person. But not the right person for me. I really don't want to hurt him, and this will hurt him, but I am and have been very unhappy. For several years.

Exactly. My soon-to-be-ex is a very, very nice person. He just isn't a good husband for me and, quite honestly, I'm not a good wife for him either, although he disagrees.

Yes, these are the ones that are the toughest -- when your partner is a nice person, when you do still have some good moments, when it's not all bad... I agree with the other post that said "A truly nice person would also care about YOUR happiness" though some people just can't comprehend others or accept that they are no longer "the right fit". My best friend and my sister both went through this. Sometimes people leave a marriage or LTR "for another person" but that's not the real reason for leaving. Underlying unhappiness is the reason. If discussions and counseling aren't helping (and please try a number of different counselors b/c most of them are NOT that good), and it has been more than just a few months, then it is time to decide the next steps -- and how different decisions will affect all family members.

Life is precious and much too short. Don't suffer unhappiness. For those who have been unhappy and feeling trapped for years, but worry about hurting their partner -- don't worry about that!!! I'm not saying "Don't care about your spouse." To reword what Corylda wrote, An unhappy partner really isn't a great partner for their spouse anyway!
It may hurt us to think our spouse could also end up happier with someone else, but that should make it easier to move on. You love your spouse, but don't want to live/be with him any longer. Let him go, re-find happiness yourself, and let him find happiness with someone else. If I were a husband, I would feel terrible knowing my wife felt trapped and unhappy. If the guy says He's perfectly happy, then it is definitely time to Move On.

Cameron_1969

I have a theory about relationships. . I think when you start out, you and your partner are two parallel lines traveling into the future. As time goes on you both constantly change. If you change in ways that are compatible, the lines twist and turn, but stay more-or-less parallel. . if you change in ways that aren't compatible, your lines diverge. . You can and should do everything you can to bring yourselves back together and understanding each other and how you've each changed is step one. . but sometimes the distance is just too great and probably growing. . At some point, it just doesn't make sense to keep trying. .

I have a young child and I tried to hold on for his sake. i never believed those who claimed that sometimes it's better for the kid for the parents to split. I thought that was just excuse making to alleviate the guilt of those who put themselves and their happiness above the well-being of their children. . What a difference a divorce makes! LOL! Maybe I'm doing it now, but my son changed almost immediately. He went from a sullen, unhappy kid to an amazing, sweet, funny, and yes, HAPPY boy! He wakes up smiling and goes to bed smiling. . He was living in a pressure cooker. . I didn't even know it. You know that tension that you have with your spouse / significant other? The kid feels it too. . and more intensely than you do!

jetscreaminagain

Been there. I feel for you. Its hard to divorce when you don't believe in divorce. Now I believe divorce was a gift from God. No irony. My god loves me. It gets better. Stay strong. Realize that the pricess can be wrenching and crazy making and then it gets better. Non-ironic flower for all of you.

trinawynne75052

That is so true

trinawynne75052

that is so true

KrisyKat

Yes...I felt that way after almost 12 years with my high school sweetheart. I loved him, as he is a wonderful person with a kind heart; but I realized that, to be truly happy, I needed to leave. It wasn't easy, but I did it. Looking back (over 6 years later) I'm so glad I made the "selfish" decision and did what made ME happy.

Today, I am happily married to my best friend in the world. Had I stayed with my ex, I would not be smiling, laughing, and having fun every day (as I am now.) I thank my lucky stars that I had the courage to recognize that life will change many things...even your heart.

LIVE FOR YOU!!!:flowerforyou:

bigdawg025

I found this one day... and it's VERY interesting... I'm not saying it applies to anyone here or trying to imply anything at all by posting this link. I lot of the things hit home with things I've seen and observed in today's world with friends and acquaintances of mine. I think it's worth a look.

I'm actually very tempted to get this book and read it.... looks like a very interesting read.

http://womensinfidelity.com/

PositivelyFlawed

I'm just curious if any of you have been in a marriage or a long relationship where you ultimately realized that no matter how much you care for the other person you're just not as happy with them as you think you should be? You are completely different people, with different interests and thought processes of life, you spend quantity time together but not quality and no matter how many conversations/arguments or personal efforts to make a positive change for whatever it is you're feeling unfulfilled about and ultimately nothing changes.

Maybe when you met things were great and then you grew into apart instead of with eachother and now you are ultimately just so different it can no longer be ignored....

Did it seem easier to feel trapped and suffer rather than hurt the other person?

What did you do and how did you get through it?

I went through this a few years ago, not marriage/divorce, but a 10 year relationship ending. First 5 or 6 years were great and the next 4 were spent fighting constantly and generally being unhappy.

I tried both routes. I tried to accept being trapped and suffer rather than move on, both to not hurt the other person and because I was afraid. I was miserable and all I did was act out, trying to get attention where I could get it to make up for what I was missing. Ofc nothing did make up for it.

I met my husband while still in a LTR. I thought and wanted to end it and give it a go with hubby, but at the last minute fear left me trapped and i let hubby go. Luckily for me I got a second chance with my hubby and after much drama and thought decided I had every right to find my own happiness.

I took the leap and we've been happily married for 4 years. Looking back I can't believe I ever considered staying in an unhappy, unsatisfying relationship and turning my back on the greatest man and family a woman could ever ask for!