Wanting to lose and scared at the same time

erbear80

I have struggled all my life with weight. Though when I was younger I was very active and a pretty good athlete. But by most standards still overweight. Then in the years following my father's death(I was 14) I lost myself. I lost who I was, where I wanted to go, who I wanted to become. I hated who I saw in the mirror and nothing much mattered at all. Then one day my mom asked me when I stopped careing about myself and I realized that people around me noticed and that they cared. But I also realized that I had to figure out how to love myself again and want more for myself than to keep going down the road I was on. So I took my 300lb body to the YMCA and started walking. I had decided I wanted to do the Avon 2day breast cancer walk. Everyone around me told me I was too big to walk that far and I couldn't do it. So me in this new mind frame said I can do it and I will do it. So I lost 50lbs in my training and walked 39.2 miles in two days. Since then however I have struggled with the same 10lbs losing it and gaining it. I struggle daily to stay on track and sometimes I slip and its like I don't even know it is happening.
Part of me is scared to lose the weight that has become my shield from the world. A reason to not go out. A reason to stay home alone. A reason to find for someone to not love me. A shield from all the pain I know is hiding in all this fat. I know from all my struggles it is more than just losing weight and eating better. It is an emotional problem. I am scared to uncover all of the pain from my past that I have held so close. Afraid to unearth the pain that I know lies in there with my dad's death. I know all this and I know it needs to happen and that I have to let it. But how, how do I let it all out, how do I let it all go? I want to fit in in this world and I want to be free of all of this but will it hurt more to let it all out and let it all go than it does just to be the fat girl? Am I really ready to start this part of my life. I just have so many questions that are so much bigger than going to the gym and eating the right foods. Maybe being on here and finding people out there who struggle and face these same types of issues will help. I don't know but I have to try right?

tobafa

There's no doubt you are not alone and it's a big step just admitting it. I had an eye opener when I started to use the food diary. I found I wasn't eating nearly enough and what I was eating wasn't all that great. I've since straightened it out and one week later I'm down 6 lbs. Keep in mind there are two comfort zones; 1) where you are now and 2) where you are at the end of your journey. The stuff in the middle is the hard, uncomfortable part but to get to the "promise land" you gotta work. It's not easy. Not in the least but the end result far out shadows any pain or discomfort you experience on the way.

Suggestions: 1) Use the food diary and adjust as needed. Food becomes energy and not just an experience. 2) Go to a gym or boot camp and work. Sure, it's uncomfortable at first with the healthy, fit people but you become who you associate with. :happy: Not going because of being out of shape is like being too embarrassed to take your car to the car wash because it's too dirty. It's what it's there for. People take their car to the car wash because it gets results. Same with the gym. It's there because it works. 3) Find a close friend or counselor and get it all out. Shame, disappointment, fear, etc. Just get it out and get that "weight" off then you'll have a clear head and purpose to get the other weight off. Hopes this helps..

lacroyx

I So I took my 300lb body to the YMCA and started walking. I had decided I wanted to do the Avon 2day breast cancer walk. Everyone around me told me I was too big to walk that far and I couldn't do it. So me in this new mind frame said I can do it and I will do it. So I lost 50lbs in my training and walked 39.2 miles in two days. Since then however I have struggled with the same 10lbs losing it and gaining it. I struggle daily to stay on track and sometimes I slip and its like I don't even know it is happening.

that's great! keep it up! I dealt with the same thing when people told me I was too fat and heavy to jog. I started jogging @ 400+ lbs. All the doubters and nay sayers just fueled my desire to prove them wrong.

as for the food thing the only thing that is off limits for me is soda pop. everything I enjoy in moderation and stick to my calorie goals 90% of the time.

angevee

Why would you want to stay in and hide? You're a beautiful girl!

I was/am similar in that I've always been big(ger) however I look back at the pictures now and see someone so tiny, just taller. Things have happened and I ate, and ate, and ate. Then it became easy to be the fat Ange. Ange who doesn't do anything or see anyone.

I started here in January mainly as a support to my husband. He has since resorted back to his old ways and I am carrying on. I will shift this weight and you can too. Those 10lb you wrote about it's just a number on a scale that might not be as reliable as it should be. Use a tape measure. And talk, if you're feeling low and fed up come on here and talk about it. We're all in this together and we can succeed and we will be better for it.

Feel free to add me as a friend if you like

cindycoley19

Such a sweet and honest post!! You have landed at the "right place" I am scared to....scared that I'm going to lose my drive to eat right and exercisel. But this journey is one day at a time. If you think about tomorrow, you'll get discouraged. Sometimes tomorrow seems just too big!! So I pray for today, that God will give me the strength to eat right and exercise. I can handle today with God's help!!! Hang in there! And Welcome!!

grumpya

Hi,
I know exactly what you mean & if you don't start sorting it out you will find being slim is scary & probably put the weight back on even if you do lose it.
Do you thave a minister or priest you can talk to? Even if he can't help himself he may be able to refer you to a counselling group.
Have you talked to your doctor? You are not alone in feeling like this and the mediacl professions are learning that obesity is as much in the mind as in the food you eat. Maybe if you cannot get or afford help from a psychologist again there may be a local help group where you can go. You may find that a charity offers free councelling locally.
If you can get some support & counselling I am sure you can turn your life around.
I realised that you only get one go at this life when I nearly died 4 years ago. It changed my attitude totally, I so regret the times I wasted & I think it is really sad that you could be doing so much if you could get some help.
Even without counselling you will find loads of people on here who will totally understand where you are coming from, many of us hide behind our fat. I'm sure you will get support & friendship & that may help you to take the next step.
Asto how to tackle your weight just do it one day at a time. "Today I am going to stick to my calorie allowance" don't even think about tomorrow or next week, just do it today. If you are tempted by a bag of chocs or similar don't think I can't have that, either measure an amount you can have or postpone eating them. Find something to do, crafting, reading, cleaning anything. Then when you want to eat something you don't have enough room in your allowance for think to yourself I won't have it now, I will have it when I have finished this. That way you often forget about it or you can make another excuse after to delay having it.
These methods work for me. I only ever diet for one day & I delay eating anything I shouldn't have.
Whatever works for you just go for a little bit of weight at a time. Never think I have to lose 100lbs just think about losing 5lbs. Once you have done that lose another 5lbs. If you find you are struggling before you give up just decide to maintain that weight for a month then start again losing the next 5lbs.
I wish you the very best & hope you get help & have success.

hap76

It's easy to get scared and frustrated when you hit a wall. The fact that you took the steps in the first place to train for that walk shows you are a strong person. You shouldn't aim to "let it all go" - your Dad was important to you and you don't need to let go his memory. The key is remembering the good times you had with him and use that as a drive to keep going to continue to make him proud. My aunt passed away from cancer about 6 years ago. She was very frustrated because she got sick after spending years trying to get healthy by quitting smoking and walking. But she still continued to fight. She still continued to take care of those around her even though she was the one that needed care. I think of that every time I want to give up. I also had spent years getting healthy only to end up getting Colitis and gaining 60 pounds getting it under control. Now I have it under control and am taking the right steps to go the other direction. You can do it too!

Helloitsdan

I wrote a post about how to start off correctly and why.
Check this out and maybe it can help you?

Hugs!

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/538381-in-place-of-a-road-map


Sometimes knowing how it works and understanding the numbers can take the pressure off.

amie0724

Congratulations on your weight loss , that is a very big achievement as well as your walk . I understand the pain that you are going through and how you feel scared to let go and reach out to the world . I was in a bad depression after my breakup from my fiance and put on over 13 pounds . I would eat and eat and go to bed , wake up and do it all over again . Here I am today and I cant fit into my clothes from last year , how disgusted I was . I decided that I needed to care about myself again . I stopped going out with my friends and was too tired and depressed to go anywhere , it was a vicious cylce and the more depressed I became . Today, I am making big progress and I woke up and realized ...I want to be that girl who was running everyday and vacationing and socializing, so I put on my running shoes and walked . I am now training for the Chicago 1o k race in August and I feel great ,the weight is burning off. Fear will set you back and I know it is scary to face the unknown . The depression is just evil and will destroy you , unless you stop it . I suggest you look into the future and dont look back , because when you look back ,you set yourself back . I know you will lose the last 10 pounds and go into a new chapter in your life , holding onto your weight is holding on to things that are holding you back . We only have one life to live , so live it ! Overcome your fears and face them . You can do it!

Rocking_Robin

I can relate to you so much...
Congrats on your step of joining MFP and posting on the message board...that is a great step!! I know people that are struggling on here but won't post a message on the board for support, so YAY for you! Then, I am also am PROUD of you for signing up and completing the Avon walk for Breast Cancer. I have done the 3 day walk for Breast Cancer twice...which is 3 days and 60 miles...the first time I walked 58 miles, and the second 33 miles, I got hurt so they red carded me and took me off the route...you thought my world was coming to an end, I was so devastated!
I have a very stressful life and marriage, my hubby has progressed MS...and through our years together I went to food for comfort. I found I ate whatever my emotion was. When I signed up for my first 3 day, I actually did it for me....I did not get much time for myself, I was so unhappy and this forced me to go walk get out of the house and work on me. I loved how it made me feel, to work on me, actually make a goal and complete it, and raising finds for Breast Cancer! I signed up for a second year for all the same reasons...but my injury the second year...the fact that I didnt finish knocked me off track of working on me. My husband's MS continued to worsen, I continued to sink into my own depression deeper. Then, my brother began to harass me because he saw how this all was effecting my health, my parents are both passed on and he was very worried about me, so he kept on and kept on....to shut him up and too prove I was fine....I finally told him I had made an appointment for a physical. The doctor said I was fine, but if I didnt do somethign about my weight it would shorten my life. One month later, my blood pressure began going carzy and I need it regulated with pills. In one weeks time, I had signed up with MFP that was 12/10.

I know I am better both physically and mentally that I used to be, but I do have alot of growing to do...I still have the urge to eat but I have discovered some ways not to eat. I do not live for food anymore, I live for life! I am not perfect though and still slip from time to time but I know I am so much happier working on me than trying to tell myself I was fine years ago. I learned that my daily stresses probably won't change so I continue you try to rise above them, I didnt think I could do that but I am. I won't lie to you and tell you that it is easy but he hard work is so worth it. I am the type of person that puts everyone ahead of herself and now I am trying to find the balance between my self-imporatnce and being there for others. I am much happier than I used to be and I am excited to see the type of person I continue to find!

I understand how scary working on yourself is but with the support of MFP and a hidden strength you dont know you have...YOU CAN TOTALLY DO THIS!!!

pinkminy

when my Dad passed away I became so depressed that I gained more than 24 KG ,
I realisesd after a while that he would not want me to be like that, so I snapped out of it and lost the weight,
Sometimes it takes a lot of self analysis to realise that we need make some changes.
i totally get that.

our loved ones and those close to us are usually wanting us to make changes for our own good too

I kept that weight off , untill I hit menopause and gained again,
Now I am at the post menopause stage so im on a mission to lose it again,

I would be happy to be your support friend if you want

annew1952

I my name is Anne and I just joined 5 days ago and I can understand and sympathize with everyone and their stories. I too love food and eat when I am happy, sad, glad, my birthday, your birthday and also when I get mad. I didnt really believe eating the number of calories that they say to each day, it seemed too much. But i did lose l.4 pounds in 5 days so I am gonna continue. I lost 33 pounds 7 years ago on weight watchers but to spend the money to either lose or not i would rather do this and be honest with myself. And I feel we all can do it. I am not a big person right now but I have to get rid of the 8 pounds or so I gained back. It is a way of life that you cannot deny. If you lose it and keep gaining it back you are the one who loses in the end. We all have to make the choice, there is no easy way out. Excercise is important. Whatever you can do, do it. Anything is better than nothing. I hope everyone keeps the positive attitude and I hope I don't come off as a know it all to any of you. I am finally being real with myself after all these years. The best to all of you. Thanks for letting me vent. AnneW

JacquiKerzman

That is awesome and that is the first step, admitting you are not perfect and being a-ok with it!!! I am a Certified Personal Trainer, you can see my before and afters on MFP page, I did this in ten months. I am still looking to lose body fat and have two more months for my one year transformation. I would love to help you on your journey, you are not alone!!!!!!!!!!! This is definately my God given passion, at the age of 42 I feel better than ever! :-) Also, if you are on Facebook check out my page, its all free and I do this in my spare time when I am not training clients. Losing the weight CHANGED ME and my entire life and I want to help others reach that goal. You can ask me any questions, any time :-) Sometimes I am more busy than others but I usually chill at the PC a couple time a day and answer questions :-) www.ripsandcurves.com Best blessings to YOU!!! You can totally do this, you just need to be told that every day for a change :-)

7funnygirl7

WE CAN DO THIS!! :bigsmile: friend me!

debubbie

I recently lost my sister, an uncle, and my father all within a 3.5 month period in the last 6 months. It wrecked me both emotionally and physically and I packed on about 45 pounds bringing me to my highest weight ever and close to 300 pounds. Not very good for a person suffering from Fibromyalgia and has grade 2-3 chondromylacia in both knees. I ate to find comfort from losing them even when I wasnt hungry. Like you, I really didnt care anymore.

But, a few weeks ago, I realized that I had to make a change or I would end up dying young from a heart attack like my father had. I exercise at home because right now with my schedule that works for me, and I dont have to worry about the gym. I have found that when I went to the gym that there were people there that had the same goals as me that wanted to eat better and lose weight to be healthier. I am sure that you will find those people there to that will offer encouragement and help when you need it.

I also recommend this book by Chuck D'Angelo, "Think and Grow Thin." It all boils down to whether you are ready to make this journey for yourself. Are you ready to be the person that you were supposed to be? Are you ready to free yourself from the chains that the weight has put on you? The journey isnt always going to be easy, there are going to be good days mixed in with the bad days, and there are going to be some doubters that you can do this, but you always have people in your life and in the MFP community that will offer encouragement and support.

You have already taken huge strides in reaching your goals by losing 50 pounds already and admitting that the journey will be scary. I agree with others that you may want to find a counselor to talk about what you are feeling about the loss of your father and how it continues to affect you and why you are so afraid to make this change for yourself.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey and you can add me if you like.

kristinkt

Wow! This is some great advice. I will be coming back to read these posts again. Thanks for sharing. I agree that it is a huge step to take baby steps & deal with one day at a time - sometimes one meal/snack at a time.

HealthyAim

Erbear, I could relate to so much in your post, including that I lost my dad in my Tweens as well and that was very hard on me. You are amazing to be able to express yourself so well in writing and you should really use that talent to help you through your new healthy journey. I would love to hear more of your next moves, so feel free to friend me if you like. I'm new to MFP and am also looking for new friends for motivation, inspiration, and support

TrailRunner61

I'd suggest you find someone you can talk to about this. It always helps and if you don't talk it out, you'll never be able to cope with your issues. For me, I finally had a melt down at my Dr.s office when I went in for a routine visit. She was shocked, like.. 'where did this come from'? Then I told her my dad died, my grandma died, 2 aunts died, my mom had colon cancer, my son was in the marines, etc etc. I just sat there and sobbed. She suggested I find someone to talk to and wanted me to go to counseling. I refused but learned to open up to some family members. Now, if my husband walks with me, I can't shut up. The poor guy just walks and listens while I yak yak yak. Sometimes for hours LOL.
Since then, I have lost my father, my mother has been cured of her colon cancer but now has Alzheimers and I am her primary caregiver. My son is home from the marines and safe so things are a little better. I ended up learning that I do not have control over some things and it's OK. I can however, help myself cope with them. This year a good friends 4 yr old boy was diagnosed with an incurable brain tumor. I feel so helpless about the little guy's situation but decided that I could do something. I had a 'eureka' moment and said I was going to walk 1,000 miles for him and St. Judes. So far I'm up to about 280 miles since Jan. 1st and I have several sponsors.
My point is that there are things we cant control but there are things we can do to help cope. Find someone you can confide ANYTHING to, if you can't find someone, keep looking! Good luck and God bless you.
Add me as a friend if you'd like. I'll listen to you!

zambodiare

I have always struggled with my weight. My entire family is overweight and there were circumstances during my childhood that I believe exacerbated the situation. I've always held onto this feeling of embarrassment, of being around people who are thinner than me and feeling as though I was worthless. Exercising can be difficult for me when I'm in view of other people I perceive as "normal". A few years ago I was going to a gym, but only could be there if I was listening to music loud enough to distract me from the people all around me. I've always been convinced that they're looking at me and thinking negative thoughts.

I know that most likely, this fear is irrational. BUT.....I've had success recently. I began working out in the comfort of my own home. This has given me the strength to start walking in public during my lunch breaks at work. I'm slowly losing my discomfort of being in public places. I used to hide, and now I'm slowly stepping out. It feels great!

I understand where you are coming from. I honestly think that the situation you are facing is more than just a weight loss journey. You have emotional struggles that need to be dealt with. Maybe in this situation you should seek out the help of a counselor. I'm no talking about a psychiatrist, just a counselor who is there to listen to you and help you work out your issues. My best friend sees one on a weekly basis, especially since the death of her mother, and I really believe that it has helped.

I know that you can do this. If I can, then I know that anyone can. Do not listen to the negative comments made by those around you. So many people want to bring you down, mostly because it helps them feel better about their own lives. You are a beautiful woman.....and as far as love is concerned, it will find you. I never thought that I would be married (never thought I wanted to be)...but in a strange twist of fate, I met who was to be future husband at the burial for my best friend's mother (they are cousins). I know....strange, right? I never thought that anyone on the face of this earth would truly love me.

I applaud you for being so honest in your post. I would be more than willing to add you to my friend list....maybe we can help support each other.

Sissy1964

Wow erbear! These posts are awesome huh? So many great and caring people. And so many that share our fear and frustration. Many good thoughts too. We all have our "stuff".
I wonder though why some suffer a loss and it makes them fighters and others weaken and hide, still others become angry...etc. I wonder if there's a tendency that was already there and your Dad's passing, my parents passing, her fiance leaving, were just s catalysts. I also wonder how much we should work on "why" and when we should stop trying to figure that out and just work on creating new habits.
This topic is huge and daunting and I think, perhaps, there are no right answers. I also think we, being overweight, harboring pain, feel alone even in a crowd.
Well, these posts are proof positive that we're not alone, your not alone, even when your sure you absolutely are....we're all alone together...hehe.
There's also sooo much advice, everywhere you look, the media is crazed with it. Who knows what right for you or me. My thought...let's just keep talking. We're all more apt to find things that work for us through this theraputic brainstorming and sharing. Keep it simple bear, don't get overwhelmed. Baby steps.

HealthyAim

Tweens? I think that was autocorrected wrong.....meant to say teens

erbear80

Thanks for the encouragement, just what I needed. And I actually just started a boot camp this weekend!

erbear80

I want to thank everyone for their responses and their stories from their lives. I know this journey won't be easy but I feel like I may how found a way to help me along in this site. I am so excited for this journey now and knowing that there are so many people out there who can understand and are in it with you is amazing. Thank you all.!