Relationship Disaster

HelloSweetie4

if she cant handle you during your struggles, she doesn't deserve you at your best.

This is by far the best advice put up here! She definately over-reacted (like someone else said) having health issues that you're embarassed about is farrr different from walking out of a ten day marriage. You haven't been together long enough to need to know every little detail about eachother yet. Diabetes is a big pill to swallow and you have to learn to be comfortable with the fact before you share it with others. Yes, if you love her you probably should have told her, but that would have been for the support, which considering the way she acted when she did find out, I don't think she would have offered the support you needed anyway.

Good Luck!

jegg0425

She was very very quick to lump this in with what her ex-husband did. Her break-up message to me was "for the second time in my life I've allowed myself to fall in love and plan a life with someone only to have it shattered with deceit. I believe you are a good man who will have alot of success in life; however I will no longer be a part of it".

As I've said, we've left the door open and are working on ourselves right now. But I am seeing that seeing that she was very quick lump me in with her ex issues.

chrishgt4

Obviously there is probably a lot more to this, but from what you wrote, my first opinion was that she isn't sure about the relationship.

Clearly this is just conjecture, but it seems to me like:

She likes you but isn't sure about the relationship, so is using this as a 'get out'.

She is saying she still sees an 'us', and is suggesting leaving shower products at each other's houses because she wants to keep you hanging on.

Understand that I don't mean this as a negative comment on her - she clearly doesn't know. All I would say is she is somewhere inbetween wanting you and wanting to break up, but hasn't cleared the line into definitely wanting to break up.

I would suggest, though, that try to think objectively about the situation, without bringing emotion into it, or the things that you think you know about how she feels; you might be wrong about them.

Think about if it was someone else and you knew al the facts, what would you think and what would you suggest.

Given that I don't know the truth behind the situation, my honest advice is to treat this as a break up. This will accomplish 2 things.

1. If she feels that she can contact you and see you whenever she wants then she will be in a very comfortable situation. So if you stop seeing/talking to her it takes the power away from her and gives it to you. If you really want to get something you have to truly be willing to totally walk away from it. This is a concept that applies in so many situations.

2. If it ends up not being a break up, and you want to take her back, then great. If it ends up not being and in the time it took her to want you back, you have decided YOU don't want HER, then still great (for you). IF she decides she doesn't want you back, then you have already started on the road to getting over her.

As long as you are in contact it will not be to your benefit.

rml_16

She was very very quick to lump this in with what her ex-husband did. Her break-up message to me was "for the second time in my life I've allowed myself to fall in love and plan a life with someone only to have it shattered with deceit."

Good grief! You failed to mention that you might have some blood sugar issues, you didn't cheat on her.

jegg0425

We've sort of texted a little every day for the last week and a half, but I think this week I am going to make a point of just stepping back a little. I am in DC for work so it works out that way. My mind will be elsewhere anyway. Thanks for the advice.

StephTheBookworm

I definitely agree she overreacted. Wow. I'm thinking there are definitely some underlying issues she has/had with either herself or the relationship. Good luck. I'm sure you will meet someone new who is better suited for you!

Bohohippy

This is coming from a 'bigger' girl whos been cheated on, has/had massive trust issues and (used) to second guess everything EVERYONE told me.

I believe she HAS overreacted, it seems like she's scared and is pushing you away before she gets too deep. Step back, do you actually want this girl? If you don't, say that she was right and you need to go your seperate ways, if you do, then work with her, don't be controlled by her trust issues.

Tell her, if she isn't willing to TRY and trust you, there will be no future because theres only so much you can do to gain her trust.

I've been with my current partner for almost 2 years, the first 3 months was a mixture of bliss and hysterical misery (created by me) I didn't trust him talking to girls, he didn't stop, he just showed me the messages, he made me hang out with them so i saw them as his friends and gained them as my own. He never promises me anything as this is a sure fail, he doesn't commit to anything he doesn't think he'll keep... There were other issues from my past, through example and time and talking, i managed to get past them (I've had counselling also).

We've had our, you didn't tell me that, or I swear you told me differently issues but really if you want to be together then some things need to be ignored. if you've been together 5 months, your health isn't her number one right to know, if it affects her, then of course it is, you say you didn't know you had diabetes until you went the doctor? Then how could you be lying about your health? You didn't commit 100% to health changes, was it easy for her to change that quickly? Talk to her about how hard it is, you weren't doing it for yourself and that usually means you won't succeed as easy.

Don't expect any support or understanding straight away, all you can do is talk continuasly until she realises its her making the mountains you're both climbing over.

If you stick with it, it does get better I still get a bit uneasy over my boyfriend talking to girls, I believe even though I trust him completely, he's human and mistakes can be made... I wouldn't forgive him but it helps me stop trying to control the situation.

One last thing, it sounds like she could do with some counselling, she won't see that she's overreacting or reacting to small things instead of big things.

xx

jegg0425

If after a month or so we decide that it just isn't going to work, I do want to find a way to say out of love that I want her to be happy and have the best and that I hope she continues to find ways to prepare her heart for when "the best" comes along.

Can't say, "you are crazy and need counseling" but it would be nice if there was some way to lovingly suggest it.

jegg0425

Thanks Again All

LilRedRooster

To be honest, you both have issues.

If you can't feel like you can trust her with any information, you should have probably rethought your own desires to spend the rest of your life with her. How can you imagine spending the rest of your life with someone from whom you feel like you have to hide part of yourself? It may seem insignificant to you, but really, if you could open yourself completely, you wouldn't feel the need to have even hidden that aspect, no matter how trivial.

That being said, she completely overreacted. Not telling someone that you're diabetic (or potentially), is much different than just walking out of a marriage, or breaking trust completely. It's definitely not something to end a relationship over, considering that you both can come together to be more open. She really sounds like she just doesn't want to be committed lifelong to you, because if she were, she would be willing to overlook that aspect.

Are you both sure you want to be married for long-term? Because from what you said, it sounds like both of you have trust issues in general, which I would really suggest going to couples counseling to work out, ESPECIALLY before marriage.

Good luck!

jegg0425

I agree. I should have had the courage to say something. I have had bad relationships too so I naturally had my share of walls up. In the last 2-3 months I'd really begun to lower many of those walls for her. This is just one that hadn't come down yet.

m60kaf

This is a complex one - I thought she's looking for a way out. If you are unsure of someone - wait until you are having a grumble about something - blow it all out of proportion - job done

I do remember when I was struggling with weight and confidence I used to think of both girlfriends and good friends that it would all come to an end anyway - so kind of push for it to end to prove myself right and get it over with. This may be what is going on with her confidence.

Also when I meet someone I am kind of nervous and unsure and there are a dozen little things they do that makes me warm to them and like to be with them - some things are really silly and small but they are important to me

Conversely when it starts to go wrong I will pick up on loads of little subtleties - no biggies individually - but just make me not interested anymore and I have to find a more tangible 'excuse' to finish

So I either think her insecurities are looking to make something she is happy with fail because it is what she expects - cos she is comfortable with that outcome. Or there are numerous little issues that have come to a head with this one

jegg0425

I agree that she has her own insecurities. She admitted that she does often have a facade up. If it's meant to be it's meant to be. I told her I'd rather be on bumpy dirt road with her than the 8 lane freeway with anyone else.

smiles4deb

Obviously there is probably a lot more to this, but from what you wrote, my first opinion was that she isn't sure about the relationship.

Clearly this is just conjecture, but it seems to me like:

She likes you but isn't sure about the relationship, so is using this as a 'get out'.

She is saying she still sees an 'us', and is suggesting leaving shower products at each other's houses because she wants to keep you hanging on.

Understand that I don't mean this as a negative comment on her - she clearly doesn't know. All I would say is she is somewhere inbetween wanting you and wanting to break up, but hasn't cleared the line into definitely wanting to break up.

I would suggest, though, that try to think objectively about the situation, without bringing emotion into it, or the things that you think you know about how she feels; you might be wrong about them.

Think about if it was someone else and you knew al the facts, what would you think and what would you suggest.

Given that I don't know the truth behind the situation, my honest advice is to treat this as a break up. This will accomplish 2 things.

1. If she feels that she can contact you and see you whenever she wants then she will be in a very comfortable situation. So if you stop seeing/talking to her it takes the power away from her and gives it to you. If you really want to get something you have to truly be willing to totally walk away from it. This is a concept that applies in so many situations.

2. If it ends up not being a break up, and you want to take her back, then great. If it ends up not being and in the time it took her to want you back, you have decided YOU don't want HER, then still great (for you). IF she decides she doesn't want you back, then you have already started on the road to getting over her.

As long as you are in contact it will not be to your benefit.

^This. And good luck.

jegg0425

That was really good advice and that's kind of going to be my approach for the next month or so. Get a new lifestyle adopted, get my thesis done and create a little distance. Maybe check in with her towards the end of April or something. But first do it as a friend. If I've made the lifestyle change and shown committment to it, then we can sit down and begin to restore what we had, which will be a long process.

I am not going to stick around if I feel that she always has one foot out the door though. That's her issue.

jegg0425

All great advice, thank you all. I'm way better this week than I was last week about things. Time can heal, but I'm also just going to move forward. I'm not concerned about "getting back out there" right now as I have alot of things going on. Rather just make my life about getting healthier for the next several months.

jegg0425

We had a good talk tonight. It's not all lost. Just need to focus on ourselves for a bit. We both need to drop about 100 pounds.

AlsDonkBoxSquat

I agree that she overreacted, but . . . here's my story (similar in some ways).

I knew I needed to quit smoking and made a half assed effort to do so for about 7 years. I watched my Grandfather die of emphasema and my Grandmother die from cancer around her lungs and heart. Both were painful deaths to watch, my GF's downward spiral lasted about 10 years and was difficult on the whole family. My now DH, we'll call him M, watched me put them both in the ground and deal with it all. He watched the pain for me and my family. He told me when we moved in together that it was only with the understanding that I was going to quit. I said yes, and then didn't. He caught me a few months later on the patio, and packed a bag. He said that he loved me too much to spend the next 50 years watching me do that and knowing the outcome. So, that was the last cigarette I ever smoked.

Sometimes we need something scarier than ourselves to coerce us into doing what we know we need to do anyway.

jegg0425

So are you guys together now?

AlsDonkBoxSquat

So are you guys together now?

We'll be celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary by doing the Warrior Dash. Nothing says lovin' like a little bit o' mud.