Best Time to Ask... (Guys)
hedwighigh
Posts: 299
My boyfriend HATES to travel and he hates meeting new people but my family is having a reunion for Easter this weekend.
He's made it plain that he doesn't want to go but I REALLY want him to go. This will be the last time he'll probably be coming to my house anyways because of him graduating and me moving, etc. He said he "guesses" he could go and when I brought it up again he said that we'd talk about it later. I take that as code that he hopes I won't bring it up again - he's not that lucky.
When is the optimal time to ask a guy to do something when they don't want to do it?
He's clueless and I don't think he understands that this is important to me since it's not that important to him.
I'm hoping to make a point to him that it is important to me.
He's made it plain that he doesn't want to go but I REALLY want him to go. This will be the last time he'll probably be coming to my house anyways because of him graduating and me moving, etc. He said he "guesses" he could go and when I brought it up again he said that we'd talk about it later. I take that as code that he hopes I won't bring it up again - he's not that lucky.
When is the optimal time to ask a guy to do something when they don't want to do it?
He's clueless and I don't think he understands that this is important to me since it's not that important to him.
I'm hoping to make a point to him that it is important to me.
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Replies
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My mother knew early on that to get my dad to do something, she had to make it look like his idea. Nagging him would only make him dig in his heels and act like a stone wall. His nickname was "Bull". As for your boyfriend, just tell him you're going with or without him, but that he is welcome to go. Make no other mention of the trip. Maybe post a note on the refrigerator or write it on a calendar. He'll go or not. He knows this is important to you. Maybe you're not that important to him. Just sayin'.0
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My mother knew early on that to get my dad to do something, she had to make it look like his idea. Nagging him would only make him dig in his heels and act like a stone wall. His nickname was "Bull". As for your boyfriend, just tell him you're going with or without him, but that he is welcome to go. Make no other mention of the trip. Maybe post a note on the refrigerator or write it on a calendar. He'll go or not. He knows this is important to you. Maybe you're not that important to him. Just sayin'.
No, I don't think he gets how important this is to me.
You know Sheldon from Big Bang Theory? That's my boyfriend but a little bit better.
The guy gets really upset if he finds out that he hurt my feelings or disappointed me, but he has no idea when he has unless I tell him. He's just not good at "reading" people.
He also already knows that I'm going with or without him. I don't think that really shows him how important is it to me that he goes though. I think that just shows that it's important that *I* go.0 -
My boyfriend HATES to travel and he hates meeting new people but my family is having a reunion for Easter this weekend.
He's made it plain that he doesn't want to go but I REALLY want him to go. This will be the last time he'll probably be coming to my house anyways because of him graduating and me moving, etc. He said he "guesses" he could go and when I brought it up again he said that we'd talk about it later. I take that as code that he hopes I won't bring it up again - he's not that lucky.
When is the optimal time to ask a guy to do something when they don't want to do it?
He's clueless and I don't think he understands that this is important to me since it's not that important to him.
I'm hoping to make a point to him that it is important to me.
Best time to ask a guy anything you know he'll likely say no to is during three different times....
1. While he is watching something (Sports or Action Movie)
2. While he is working out, preferably when he's winded or pushing a heavy weight or last rep of muscle straining set
3. (For the married couples out there) Shortly before HIS crucial moment when you are giving him mind blowing sex!
During those 3 times he's more apt to agree to anything without realizing he said yes or will just say YES to continue doing whatever he's doing.
Seriously though.....
Just talk to him openly. Tell him how important HE is to you and how proud you are of him and your relationship, basically you want to show him off because you adore him.0 -
If it is really important to you, and you are important to him, he will man up and go, for you.0
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No, I don't think he gets how important this is to me.
You know Sheldon from Big Bang Theory? That's my boyfriend but a little bit better.
The guy gets really upset if he finds out that he hurt my feelings or disappointed me, but he has no idea when he has unless I tell him. He's just not good at "reading" people.
Since he is not good at reading your mind (MANY of us men are at the same case):
Explain it to him, in a romantic and nice way (maybe over a nice dinner?), not confrontational.
Make sure he understands how important he is to you, and that he travels with you.0 -
Warning I am about to be blunt;
"My boyfriend HATES to travel and he hates meeting new people but my family is having a reunion for Easter this weekend."
Do you think this should have already been settled, not still in the air?
"He's made it plain that he doesn't want to go but I REALLY want him to go. This will be the last time he'll probably be coming to my house anyways because of him graduating and me moving, etc."
Yhea, so in other words you two plan to go your seperate ways soon?
"He said he "guesses" he could go and when I brought it up again he said that we'd talk about it later."
I do not feel like having this serious discussion right now, I am going to put it off as long as you will allow me too.
"I take that as code that he hopes I won't bring it up again - he's not that lucky."
He could only wish.
"When is the optimal time to ask a guy to do something when they don't want to do it? "
After sex, feeding or while falling asleep.
"He's clueless and I don't think he understands that this is important to me since it's not that important to him."
Once again, I do not want to tell ya, but I can see the future.
"I'm hoping to make a point to him that it is important to me."
If he cares enough about you then he will care0 -
Two ways to get clueless men to do what you ask.
1. Grab them by the b@lls and their hearts and minds will follow.
2. A cast iron skillet. Think fly swatter.
A female friend of mine got pregnant our senior year of high school. (I had nothing to do with it!) She married the father and later had another child. One evening she hit a deer with the car. Her husband was distraught about the car being damaged, didn't even ask if the children were OK. He ranted and raved about the damage to the car. Next thing he heard was the sound a cast iron skillet makes when it connects skull bone. They're divorced, as if there was any question.0 -
Two ways to get clueless men to do what you ask.
1. Grab them by the b@lls and their hearts and minds will follow.
2. A cast iron skillet. Think fly swatter.
A female friend of mine got pregnant our senior year of high school. (I had nothing to do with it!) She married the father and later had another child. One evening she hit a deer with the car. Her husband was distraught about the car being damaged, didn't even ask if the children were OK. He ranted and raved about the damage to the car. Next thing he heard was the sound a cast iron skillet makes when it connects skull bone. They're divorced, as if there was any question.
Whoa, he's clueless... but not douche bag clueless.
It's mainly cause I'm his first girlfriend and he's having to learn everything now in his last year of college.
He's sweet though and always has good intentions but if I'm not blunt - he doesn't get it and even then I might have to repeat it.0 -
I don't know where your relationship with this young man is headed, but his mother should have taught him how to act. If she didn't, she did him a huge disservice. If she tried and it didn't take, he's definitely clueless and probably going to be a lot more trouble down the road.Whoa, he's clueless... but not douche bag clueless.
This is a serious question to ask yourself. How does he treat his mother? You'll likely get the same treatment, if you aren't already. Not trying to be a buzzkiller. Just commenting on what I've gathered from your thread.0 -
Doesn't like to travel or meet new people? Sounds like a winner.0
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I'm a girl but I'm just going to answer this anyway.
If you haven't made it clear it's important to you, make it clear.
If he isn't willing to go, then you have to think if this is something you will break up over. You don't want to get stuck in a cycle of you asking him to do things, he denies you, and it happens again and again. He'll learn he doesn't have to do anything and he'll still get to stay with you.
If he doesn't want to go, that's fine. But if it upsets you, there has to be consequences for him, you know what I mean?0 -
If he doesn't want to go, that's fine. But if it upsets you, there has to be consequences for him, you know what I mean?
ya! ground him for a week and no allowance or tv!0 -
Be blunt and say "I want you to go"
Ease his worries "I wont leave you alone with my family"
give him the reason "This is important to me"0 -
if it was a boyfriend, regardless of how long you have been together, it would be a deal breaker for me..my husband is sometimes like that, if it doesnt concern him, who cares, but this is a family thing, and whether he wants to go or not, he should suck it up and be a man, and support you..he is being selfish, not the kind of person i would want to date, but thats just me..good luck0
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I read this and then looked at your profile. Under inspirations:
"My boyfriend (although he wishes he wasn't)"
.....lol I'm sorry but it looks like you need to get a better boyfriend0 -
Doesn't like to travel or meet new people? Sounds like a winner.
If this is the kind of guy you want to spend the rest of your life with, then what you see will be magnified 10X after marriage. You will have to accept that there will be several times you will be going solo in the future. Depends HOW important it is too you. Something to consider.0 -
After you make him his sammich! jk
Relationships are suppose to be give and take on both sides. Do you really think I wanted to watch "The Vow" or "Notebook" with my fiancee?? Hell no, but I know it made her happy and that makes me happy and she participates in stuff for me that I know she isn't fond of.0 -
First of all I don't understand what kind of a guy he is. Sorry but for me he appears weird like he has his own world. While I do understand that there are people who isn't comfortable with stangers but the people you're talking about are your family & if he truly loves you then he should know & respect them like how valuable they are to you. I agree that relationships is supposed to be a give-and-take situation. My boyfriend & I live thousand miles apart & yet we are finding ways to spend time together & get to know my family as well. He even sacrifices most of his time spend with his friends including his sleeping time just to be with me. I know he doesn't like that but he is doing it out of love. And I also do the same to him.
To answer your question, there isn't any specific time that you can ask a guy or particularly anyone that you know that they doesn't want to do. Forcing him to do what he hates will only make him feel worse.0 -
I read this and then looked at your profile. Under inspirations:
"My boyfriend (although he wishes he wasn't)"
.....lol I'm sorry but it looks like you need to get a better boyfriend
He wishes he wasn't my inspiration for my diet because he doesn't want me to lose weight for him.
If I do something to "improve" myself physically, he wants it to be for me not for him.
There are a ton of people who aren't fans of meeting new people and traveling. He doesn't mind being in the new place, he just hates the "getting there" process.0 -
I just have a hard time with "My boyfriend HATES to travel and he hates meeting new people but my family is having a reunion for Easter this weekend.".
This is only the start. I hope you hand him his walking papers before you're stuck in a lame loveless marriage with 3 kids in tow, while he grumps around the house about everything and everyone that annoys him.0 -
I don't know where your relationship with this young man is headed, but his mother should have taught him how to act. If she didn't, she did him a huge disservice. If she tried and it didn't take, he's definitely clueless and probably going to be a lot more trouble down the road.Whoa, he's clueless... but not douche bag clueless.
This is a serious question to ask yourself. How does he treat his mother? You'll likely get the same treatment, if you aren't already. Not trying to be a buzzkiller. Just commenting on what I've gathered from your thread.
Actually the only thing I've learned from this thread is to not post anything about my relationship.
That's not because you've been giving me bad advice, but because my information was obviously not thorough enough.
He obviously has no idea how important this is to me because I haven't had the opportunity to explain it to him yet.
Also, not liking to travel to places and being nervous about meeting people (especially your first girlfriend's family) isn't a crime or a deal breaker. He treats his mother with utmost respect and is incredibly respectful of me. If anything has been put into his head by his mother it's that you respect a girl no matter what.
He's clueless not because his mother didn't raise him right but because he's never had the chance to learn how to be a boyfriend before. He's the type though that if he knows he's hurt my feelings ... he feels horrible for days and tries to fix it even if it's something tiny. He's just that type of person who doesn't get things unless they're flashing on a sigh in front of him. Then again, isn't that most guys? Guys have never understood hints.
His only flaw is that he's an introvert. When did being an introvert become a reason to end a relationship?
Again, I shouldn't have posted this. I really just wanted information on when the best time is to "butter up" a guy. Not people telling me to break up when you have so little information. Thank you though to those of you who answered my question and were constructive. Not insulting him by sarcastically calling him "a winner" and "weird."
MFP needs to make it where the OP can delete posts if they're no longer needed.0 -
He should want to do it for you. If he doesn't, then he's being inconsiderate. You mentioned that he's graduating and you are moving, so it sounds like your relationship is ending anyway and this is kind of a moot point. You're also making a ton of excuses for him in this thread. In my opinion, it's time to move on.0
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He should want to do it for you. If he doesn't, then he's being inconsiderate. You mentioned that he's graduating and you are moving, so it sounds like your relationship is ending anyway and this is kind of a moot point. You're also making a ton of excuses for him in this thread. In my opinion, it's time to move on.
... I'm moving in the same area he is thanks.0 -
He should want to do it for you. If he doesn't, then he's being inconsiderate. You mentioned that he's graduating and you are moving, so it sounds like your relationship is ending anyway and this is kind of a moot point. You're also making a ton of excuses for him in this thread. In my opinion, it's time to move on.
... I'm moving in the same area he is thanks.
Oh I forgot to mention that he's going with me. It wasn't nearly as big of a deal as I thought.
There ya go.0 -
Not necessarily relevant to the original topic, but if OP's were able to delete threads just because they viewed them as no longer necessary, it'd screw up post-counts of other users, confuse people who were trying to find the thread again (for whatever reason), and many other threads would be deleted yet they still hold valuable information for future readers leading to a LOT of unnecessary repeated topics.
Back on topic - IMO, there's really no perfect time to ask someone something controversial. It seems like your biggest issue is that your BF is a bit oblivious, not that he's a bad person. I don't really know why everyone is jumping on you and judging him when it doesn't sound like he is at all refusing to go, being a jerk about it, etc.
Really, the best time to do something like this is sit them down when they're not overly busy or distracted by other things. Don't bombard him with requests as soon as he gets home from school/work - he needs time to wind down. Approach him after dinner, or when he's reading/watching TV/whatever and has had time to relax from the day. Then explain your feelings on the matter and from what I gather, I don't see him saying no. THAT is when he'd be the jerk - simply not wanting to do something doesn't make him a horrible person. Being a jerk and a baby about it would be on the right track, though...
ETA - Oh, I see now that he has agreed to go. Great! Everything I said above still stands though; just seems like you might need to work on figuring out how to communicating your feelings a bit more, but there's nothing wrong with that.0 -
I've gotten the response from him but thank you for not judging him either through my own lack of information or making assumptions. It's very much appreciated.
Also the not deleting makes sense. I was just getting frustrated with all the negative comments that didn't really answer my question at all.0
This discussion has been closed.
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