BEATING BULIMIA

mxhelili

hi all.

i am a recovering bulimic, with some relapses here and there. i joined MFP to keep track of what i'm eating so that i don't end up binging then purging.
i've never been overweight: i'm 5'3" and weigh 119lbs, but i am determined to get back the (prepubescent) body i had as a 14 year-old (5'2" and 95lbs). It may not be logical, but i think about it with nostalgia when i remember how free i felt when i was thin and how much energy i had, and i never thought about food! now, it's pretty much taken over my life.
i still try really hard to restrict my eating, then end up in starvation mode by night, leading to....well...you can guess. i've been doing better since i joined fitness pal, but it's really stressful when i'm on vacation, for example, and don't have access to a computer to record my foods: i get paranoid that i'm overeating when, in reality (as i've found out by calorie counting), the most i've eaten in a day is 1600cals.
does anyone understand, can anyone relate? i would appreciate any kind of support or advice.

ps- my mom has been overweight since giving birth to my brother, and i think this has been one of my inescapable fears: ending up like my mother.

RachVR6

As wonderful as you may have felt in that 95lb body at 14yrs old, you've done a lot of growing since then and 119lbs at 5'3'' is perfectly healthy. Just make sure you aren't aiming for an unrealistic/unhealthy goal.

Best of luck staying healthy! :flowerforyou:

elliebuell

I'm not a medical professional but I also am 5'3 and I think that 119 sounds like a perfect, healthy weight for your height. 95 lbs sounds unhealthy... But that is just my opinion.

heygirl1954

I agree..I am 5'2" and weigh 115 and cannot imaqine me at 95!! I would be skin and bones, I don't think that is healthy

elliebuell

I would be THRILLED to weigh 130 - never mind 115!!

PSUgrl921

One of my oldest friends is currently battling anorexia. I have listened to her talk time and time again about how much of a mind game it is and how she knows what she is doing is unhealthy but then there are times when she looks in the mirror and can't stand what she sees. She is currently doing outpatient work at the hospital near her. So I know what she tells me. Good luck to you. It's a rough journey that I can't imagine.

♥Faerie♥

I have kind-of the same mindset as you, and it is hard to be told otherwise. I am 5'4 weigh 112 pounds, but still have it in my head that I need to loose weight. When I look in the mirror my thoughts are, I should not look this fat at 112...I have been this way all my life, I was drinking slim fast at 11. I have never binged or purged, but still struggle with these issues all the same.

ktthegr8

I'm sorry for what you are going through and congratulations for realizing your downfalls and trying to overcome them.
That said... go back and re-read your original post. You cannot get back to your prepubescent(sp.) weight and be healthy. You are a women and women have fat. It is a way of life and allows us to create and sustain life. Without a healthy amount of fat you are putting yourself at risk in many ways.
Also, how many 14 year-olds actually think about food. Of course you didn't think about it then, you were a KID! As for the energy....again, you were a kid! You are young and your focus really should be on your health, NOT on the numbers on the scale.
Since most of these problems stem from a self-esteem issue, I would suggest going and finding a counselor or someone to talk to about the deeper feelings that have led to this disease. This is all in my honest opinion and should be taken with a grain of sea salt. Good luck:flowerforyou:

adopt4

I joke when I say I have anorexxxia - but it's not a joke. I have the opposite problem. When I look(ed) in the mirror, all I saw was a huge fat person, even though at the time I wasn't even very overweight, and so kept packing on the pounds (rather than stop eating, as you did). Either direction, it's still an eating disorder based on what our minds are telling us.

At least you know "why" you have this - you had a certain point in your life when it seemed perfect and you think that maybe you'll recreate those feelings if you recreate that body. You know in your head that it's not possible, but your heart wants to pursue it. Some deep soul searching here for you - why is your life so bad now? What was so great about it then? Were you "innocent" then and now you are not? These things need to be examined and worked thru before you can fully address the side effect of these emotions - your eating. In the meantime try to eat as healthy as you can but you have to examine these things and resolve them before you'll be over this.

As long as you realize you are fighting your head and that your head is WRONG about how you look and how you will feel if you were to achieve the look you want - you are making progress.

KatWood

Hi there,
first off I want to offer my support. You are obviously going through something really difficult and I hope you have the support system around you that you need.

I cannot speak from experience but I want to point out that even if you do get down to 95lbs you will never feel like you did when you were 14. The freedom, energy and feeling of well being I'm sure had very little to do with your weight. And at that weight now you will damage your body and will not feel free or have any energy. You will feel horrible and weak. And granted that I have never had bulimia, even if you get down to 95lbs do you ever think it will be enough?

Good luck and I hope you get the help and support you need. :flowerforyou:

KatWood

One more thing I want to add and I know you know this but
food = fuel=energy

leshawnturner

I want to congratulate you on getting help and wish you the best of luck on your journey to a healthier you!!! :happy: My suggestion to you is when you are on vacation and can't get to a computer to log, take a notebook with you and log by hand. You can use a calorie book. I like the Calorie King's calorie book the best because its small and light weight. It will fit nicely in any purse or bag. Its about $8 dollars and I found it at walmart.

Good luck to you!!! :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

BodyStepper

I know exactly what you are going through . Its a battle everyday to stop yourself from the binges, which lead to the guilt driven purges. I am a recovering bulimic as well. AND....just like you, at 5'5" and 120 pounds, I feel fat and see a fat person when I look at myself. However, its a battle you try and have to overcome. I think accepting yourself for who you ARE and not for just who you WANT to be is the most important step. To realize that you are beautiful the way you are, do you think you would look better at a smaller weight, yes, but that doesn't mean you dont look good NOW. I loved how I felt at 103 pounds but I knew and still know that it was unhealthy, and not attractive. Lets work on accepting ourselves first, then I think it is easier to rationalize whether or not your goals are healthy and smart.

HEK81

Bulimia is so much bigger than weight. It's mental and its a fight that you don't have to be in alone. You probably should get professional help to deal with it. As far as the weight goes, it seems that you want what ever was going well for you at that weight. You'll have to work on how to feel good about yourself now.

oregonlady

i passed by a tread today that i thought u all may "enjoy":

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/56385-deadly-diet


:flowerforyou: we all need help in one way or another.:flowerforyou:

cjm0014

hi.
your original post sounds exactly like me.
i can totally relate, i am a recovering (with common relapses) bulimic and joined MFP to keep myself accountable. when i try to hard, restrict myself too much, etc, i feel good about myself for a bit then end up binging. then i vow to never do it again, and start to restrict again. its a miserable vicious cycle, i am sorry you're dealing with this. but i know we can get through it. also, your current weight sounds perfectly lovely, please don't kill yourself trying to get any smaller