Self esteem down the toilet

sanjoparolas

Since someone suggested it, I checked out the groups local to me on Meetup.com. Wow! Bicycling, gardening, Spanish, social, dancing, investing . . . and I live in a fairly small town! I have kind of the opposite situation as the OP, have a busy family and too many things always going on so I am often seeking solitude so I will not be participating in the Meetup groups in the near term, but it's great to know there is so much out there!

aymetcalf

Hey there - I actually have been struggling with the same thing. I'm married so it's not with that - but I struggle with the self esteem stuff. Its hard to lose so much weight and feel like you're supposed to be proud of your accomplishments but then feel like you're just "stuck being me". It's tough - i know - but you have to focus on everything you have gained from losing weight (ie. physical abilities, attractiveness that is 'better than it was', etc...) So, even if everything isnt perfect, you're still doing pretty good - and you will meet someone - someone that values your accomplishments and can provide a real relationship. :flowerforyou:

radicalreader

First thing ... stop feeling sorry for yourself. You can't be happy in a relationship until you are happy in your own skin.
Tell yourself that you are not even going to consider dating for the next 12 months (or 15 or 18 whatever) while you concentrate on figuring out how to be happy on your own.

Next, I want you to answer three questions:
1. I really enjoy ...
2. I really wish I could/knew how to ...
3. I could help others by ...

Follow up with one (at least one) activity for each of those three things that lets you come into contact with other people who share your interests or talents. DO NOT look for dates. Look for friends, both male and female.

Take the next year to learn to paint or speak Russian or read the Bible or travel or tutor underprivileged children or learn photography or build a Habitat house or serve meals to the homeless or volunteer on a political campaign or whatever else that will make you a complete, happy confident person with a wide network of friends.

AND THEN you will be the fascinating guy that girls want to get to know and you will have bucket loads of friends who really understand and appreciate who you are inside and are fighting each other to introduce you to their sister, cousin, neighbor, coworker.

lorenzoinlr

I think you'd do great with online dating. My husband and I are both a little out-of-the-ordinary when it comes to our dating personalities. I'm a little too much of a tomboy smartass for most of the guys I dated, and he was too much of a nerd for most of the women he dated. Online dating was great because we could find personality types that we were compatible with moreso than the random hookups or bar dates. You have a larger selection of women to choose from, and the likelihood of finding someone you're compatible with is greater as a result.

Also, remember that you don't need a ton of women flocking to you, just one high-quality woman that you care about and who cares for you. Focus on finding the right woman, not all the women.

Some seem to have success with on-line dating but in the short time I've been on it I've met more women who seem like poor candidates for a healthy relationship than the ones in the bars.

Elizabeth_C34

I think you'd do great with online dating. My husband and I are both a little out-of-the-ordinary when it comes to our dating personalities. I'm a little too much of a tomboy smartass for most of the guys I dated, and he was too much of a nerd for most of the women he dated. Online dating was great because we could find personality types that we were compatible with moreso than the random hookups or bar dates. You have a larger selection of women to choose from, and the likelihood of finding someone you're compatible with is greater as a result.

Also, remember that you don't need a ton of women flocking to you, just one high-quality woman that you care about and who cares for you. Focus on finding the right woman, not all the women.

Some seem to have success with on-line dating but in the short time I've been on it I've met more women who seem like poor candidates for a healthy relationship than the ones in the bars.

Just like anywhere else, you have to be selective and patient.

CoryIda

I posted an almost identical thread last week.

1) be confident

Seriously... That was the one thing that people brought up again and again and again and again.

bigdawg025

Being confident is MUCH easier said than done... I don't care what anyone says.

It's tough... and it's a battle every day.

I know exactly how you feel because I fight the very same feelings on a daily basis. Just keep working at it. It's all you can do!

bcunning

If it helps you... I was very shy for a long time. I started taking jobs that FORCED me to interact with as many people as possible. I have been a bartender, waiter, deliverer (still am), I even bartended in a strip club (no, I don't recommend it).

There is nothing like working for tips to teach you how to talk with people if that is something you're not comfortable with. Because of the sheer numbers of people you meet each day, it is easier to experiment with what works and what does not, with no real consequences as you are not trying to start a relationship with any of these people, although that can happen too.

As far as confidence goes, I had to fake confidence for a long time. I found a big smile, and an easy sense of humor helps there. But.... the longer you fake having confidence... the more confident you actually become, so after a while it is no longer fake.

I know this all sounds kind of crass and analytical, but it is very effective. At the age of 20 I would not even try to talk to a girl, much less have a relationship with them. Now I feel like a (relatively) normal person.

albinogorilla

Dispite losing weight and seeing happy numbers on a piece of junk that I keep on my bathroom floor... I'm the same old me. I look at some girls and the guys that they get with and can't help but think they've chosen a total *kitten* yet here I am, lonely, so what do I know? I know I'm not an *kitten*, I don't think there's anything wrong with my character and even if there was I couldn't do much about it so I'm left with the assumption that I'm just not physically attractive.

I don't see what I'm doing wrong, I understand that confidence is attractive and me mopeing about isn't helping the short circuit so I do try to make an effort to keep my chin up but I'm starting to feel defeated.

Anyone else finding things difficult? Did you find anything that helped you to feel more comfortable in your skin?

If you like chick's that like *kitten*, easy solution.............be an *kitten*. Otherwise, find a girl that isn't into *kitten*.

graelwyn

Terrible self esteem here, and moreso currently as my boyfriend of over a year has cut off contact with no word, ignored phone calls and left me in limbo. I tend to constantly beat myself up over having a slightly difficult personality, prone to mood swings and sulks, so I blame myself for it all. So I am pretty much an expert in low self esteem. I have just given up on ever being with anyone for life myself, which is what I had hoped this would turn out to be. It is hard to advise when you have had little success with your own self esteem, lol.

larkiedeek

You need to get out there bigman!

Keep doing the things that will make you healthier. It will only help you eventually find and keep the girl you want.


These internet dating services seem to help connect people. That will get you over the first step, and that is the hardest one. Give it a try.

Happy hunting.

LReneeWalker

My hubby and I met in a chat room. He is the biggest geekiest know it all (but he really does know it all lol). But he is the best person for ME! How he treats me and understands my attitude and personality. That being said, am I the only one who saw two possible connections for you right here on this thread?!

_Bob_

I used to be horribly shy because of low self esteem. but I reached the point that I didn't care anymore and just put my self out there and had fun. soon I had more girls wanting to spend time with me than I could handle. And also am not an *kitten*, I eventually married one of them not seen in the pic below






it's all about just having fun and enjoying yourself not impressing others. the confidence thing is like glue

djsupreme6

confidence is something you won't be able to go down to the store and buy lol..so when its not there its hard to get it back...thats what those *kitten* have the girls like..confidence..all they do is think about themselves...now i'm not saying you should be one of those...however...just think about yourself and what you gotta do...some woman will notice that...also get out there...and hell take a risk every so often..if theres someone you have your eye on...ask them if they'd like to take you for a coffee sometime lol...really though..just ask...can't hurt...if you get rejected...theres more

_Bob_