Feeling weird/different after a fight
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songbyrdsweet
Posts: 5,691 Member
Does anyone feel really weird after a bad fight with their S/O? Like, distant? I'm not angry at all, but I just feel awkward now. We had a huge stupid fight...well, more like him having a huge fit. It was like a tantrum with yelling and heavy breathing and he said we should just break up. It went like this:
BF asks question about building muscle mass
I give a basic answer
BF tells me everything I said is wrong
I assure him that these principles of physiology are right
He tells me I don't know ****
...We get home and he asks me to help him with his on-line quiz which I said I'd do earlier in the day so he could go to the dog park with me...
I say I don't want to help him after what he said
He throws a literal fit (yelling, hyperventilating) and claims he has to drop the class (which he doesn't) and says we should break up
My feathers aren't easily ruffled and this actually bothers me less than when he said I didn't know ****
I help a little bit and he finishes the quiz in plenty of time
Today he bought me flowers, wine and a card and feels really bad. He has fits like this about every 6-8 weeks. Aside from that he's incredibly sweet and supportive. But every time he does this it weirds me out SO bad that I don't want to be around him. I try not to remember past fights or hold grudges, but he literally acts like a little kid. Now he can tell that I feel different (and I was honest and told him) and keeps asking if I want to break up. I really have no idea. I think it would be silly to make such a rash decision so quickly. I am far more independent than he is and he talks about getting married all the time and how I'm the only person in the world for him. I am more logical and I know if we were to break up we'd both find other partners. Guess I'm just looking for advice. I have no female friends I can talk to about this. Thanks MFP.
Summary:
BF threw huge fit, not the first one
I feel awkward because I am not that emotional
He's super sweet 99% of the time, apologized, bought flowers and wine
Keeps asking if I want to break up
I think that would be a silly decision to make in one day but I do feel weird around him now
BF asks question about building muscle mass
I give a basic answer
BF tells me everything I said is wrong
I assure him that these principles of physiology are right
He tells me I don't know ****
...We get home and he asks me to help him with his on-line quiz which I said I'd do earlier in the day so he could go to the dog park with me...
I say I don't want to help him after what he said
He throws a literal fit (yelling, hyperventilating) and claims he has to drop the class (which he doesn't) and says we should break up
My feathers aren't easily ruffled and this actually bothers me less than when he said I didn't know ****
I help a little bit and he finishes the quiz in plenty of time
Today he bought me flowers, wine and a card and feels really bad. He has fits like this about every 6-8 weeks. Aside from that he's incredibly sweet and supportive. But every time he does this it weirds me out SO bad that I don't want to be around him. I try not to remember past fights or hold grudges, but he literally acts like a little kid. Now he can tell that I feel different (and I was honest and told him) and keeps asking if I want to break up. I really have no idea. I think it would be silly to make such a rash decision so quickly. I am far more independent than he is and he talks about getting married all the time and how I'm the only person in the world for him. I am more logical and I know if we were to break up we'd both find other partners. Guess I'm just looking for advice. I have no female friends I can talk to about this. Thanks MFP.
Summary:
BF threw huge fit, not the first one
I feel awkward because I am not that emotional
He's super sweet 99% of the time, apologized, bought flowers and wine
Keeps asking if I want to break up
I think that would be a silly decision to make in one day but I do feel weird around him now
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Replies
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Oh, should also add that he has severe ADHD and he apparently took some extra adderall and said that's what caused him to fly off the handle.0
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I've been married for more than 20 years and I absolutely adore my husband and have no intention of leaving him. That said, there are times I have just had enough and need to withdraw emotionally until I can sort out how I'm feeling. Especially if he's said something hurtful to me I just need more time to process through it and come to a place of forgiveness. Now, there are things that I've forgiven but that I had to tell him really shouldn't continue. Things he's said while in the heat of battle that leave scars long afterward. He had one thing he used to use as his weapon every single time we argued. I finally had to be extremely blunt with him about it and tell him that his saying that sent me right to "red alert/shields up" and it would be in his best interests to knock it off. Fortunately he understood and worked hard to move past it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's normal to need a little extra time sometimes and that if your relationship is worth it to you, you will need to address some of the behaviors that are bothering you so.0 -
It got to the point where I just felt exhausted. I actually passed-out on the bathroom sink after a fight. We recently decided to separate and after that discussion we actually felt closer to each other. Weird, huh?0
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I've been married for more than 20 years and I absolutely adore my husband and have no intention of leaving him. That said, there are times I have just had enough and need to withdraw emotionally until I can sort out how I'm feeling. Especially if he's said something hurtful to me I just need more time to process through it and come to a place of forgiveness. Now, there are things that I've forgiven but that I had to tell him really shouldn't continue. Things he's said while in the heat of battle that leave scars long afterward. He had one thing he used to use as his weapon every single time we argued. I finally had to be extremely blunt with him about it and tell him that his saying that sent me right to "red alert/shields up" and it would be in his best interests to knock it off. Fortunately he understood and worked hard to move past it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's normal to need a little extra time sometimes and that if your relationship is worth it to you, you will need to address some of the behaviors that are bothering you so.
Thank you. It's good to know I'm not the only one. I definitely do put my shields up when I'm upset and I tend to totally withdraw for a day or two. To me, it's easy to be single. I really enjoyed it before I met my bf! And being in a relationship sometimes takes a lot of effort, so there are days when I think to myself that it would be SO much easier to just be on my own again. But at the same time I would miss my bf a ton for a million reasons.0 -
It got to the point where I just felt exhausted. I actually passed-out on the bathroom sink after a fight. We recently decided to separate and after that discussion we actually felt closer to each other. Weird, huh?
Wow. See I don't get exhausted...I am actually really level headed. I don't like to raise my voice or get worked up or cry. My bf is the one to do those things. I think that's part of what bothers me. I want to be like...man up! Chill out! But that would be very hurtful, and a man isn't any less manly because he shows emotion. It's just not what I'm used to.0 -
Fiancee and I rarely fight. We are so much in tune, its disgusting. Our friends consider us the same entity.
When we do fight.... It's always over something completly asinine. Example - we argued once over the historical meanings of the word "pantaloons" throughout history. And I didn't speak to him for like 2 days.
Like I said, weird
Usually I just go off in my own little corner of the world for a little bit to calm down, and reflect that whatever just happened was really stupid. Then we kiss and make up and everything is sunshine and roses again.
Your BF - sounds like he has a problem bottling up his emotions. Saving up his anger/irritation to blow up at you every 6-8 weeks on a consistent basis. Maybe therapy? I do have some experience with ADHD (small kids) and I know that Adderall messes you up if you take even the slightest amount then what you normally do.
Does he work out with you? Tell him that when he feels frustruated about something - go run it off, lift weights... whatever to blow off steam and NOT keep the emotion saved up for later.
Does he ever act like this with other people?
*Disclaimer - I'm not a therapist or anything.... just pretend to know what I'm talking about :drinker: )0 -
Make Up Sex. Do eet.0
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Fiancee and I rarely fight. We are so much in tune, its disgusting. Our friends consider us the same entity.
When we do fight.... It's always over something completly asinine. Example - we argued once over the historical meanings of the word "pantaloons" throughout history. And I didn't speak to him for like 2 days.
Like I said, weird
Usually I just go off in my own little corner of the world for a little bit to calm down, and reflect that whatever just happened was really stupid. Then we kiss and make up and everything is sunshine and roses again.
Your BF - sounds like he has a problem bottling up his emotions. Saving up his anger/irritation to blow up at you every 6-8 weeks on a consistent basis. Maybe therapy? I do have some experience with ADHD (small kids) and I know that Adderall messes you up if you take even the slightest amount then what you normally do.
Does he work out with you? Tell him that when he feels frustruated about something - go run it off, lift weights... whatever to blow off steam and NOT keep the emotion saved up for later.
Does he ever act like this with other people?
*Disclaimer - I'm not a therapist or anything.... just pretend to know what I'm talking about :drinker: )
See, THOSE are the kind of arguments we have! Over such weird stuff. I guess because we are exactly the same when it comes to the really important stuff.
He did take more adderall than usual on all the occasions this has happened, and he is stressed about classes, and when he stresses he gets worked up. He loves to run but this semester he hasn't been able to as much because he's been busy. Maybe every 6-8 weeks is when the schoolwork really picks up...it really is like clockwork.
I have only seen him act like this with his parents. They are such sweet people they just kind of take it. I do not! I probably make the situation a little worse by giggling because I think his behavior is so obnoxious. Then I really tell him off when I get fed up with hearing him.
He bought me flowers and a card and wine yesterday, and today he wrote me a really sweet note. He was sooooo mushy I actually started to giggle a little bit. I know, I'm terrible, but I am just not comfortable with huge shows of emotion like that from a guy. He knows I love it though.
I feel a lot better today.
(BTW, superb job on the loss! wow!!)0 -
Make Up Sex. Do eet.
Haha we haven't gotten around to that yet!0 -
It got to the point where I just felt exhausted. I actually passed-out on the bathroom sink after a fight. We recently decided to separate and after that discussion we actually felt closer to each other. Weird, huh?
Wow. See I don't get exhausted...I am actually really level headed. I don't like to raise my voice or get worked up or cry. My bf is the one to do those things. I think that's part of what bothers me. I want to be like...man up! Chill out! But that would be very hurtful, and a man isn't any less manly because he shows emotion. It's just not what I'm used to.
We just have a couple issues, really one, that has us divided and have been arguing over for a long time now. It's bringing out the worst in us and the arguments are just tiring. It's not a matter of yelling and stuff, the emotional strain has taken a toll on both of us. I don't have the energy to fight anymore.0 -
RUN...:) seriously tho' look deep into your heart. Ask yourself the one question you never want to, if it ended tomorrow...would you miss him?0
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It got to the point where I just felt exhausted. I actually passed-out on the bathroom sink after a fight. We recently decided to separate and after that discussion we actually felt closer to each other. Weird, huh?
Wow. See I don't get exhausted...I am actually really level headed. I don't like to raise my voice or get worked up or cry. My bf is the one to do those things. I think that's part of what bothers me. I want to be like...man up! Chill out! But that would be very hurtful, and a man isn't any less manly because he shows emotion. It's just not what I'm used to.
We just have a couple issues, really one, that has us divided and have been arguing over for a long time now. It's bringing out the worst in us and the arguments are just tiring. It's not a matter of yelling and stuff, the emotional strain has taken a toll on both of us. I don't have the energy to fight anymore.
I got there with my ex whom I dated all through undergrad. Shortly before I graduated we broke up. One of the best decisions I've ever made!0 -
RUN...:) seriously tho' look deep into your heart. Ask yourself the one question you never want to, if it ended tomorrow...would you miss him?
I am very determined. It takes a lot for me to leave a relationship. I like to try and work things out. I know what my needs are, and if they're being met, there's no reason to call it quits because of little bumps in the road. I did ask myself that question. I even imagined not being with him, what that would be like. And I end up missing him when he's not even gone.0 -
Fiancee and I rarely fight. We are so much in tune, its disgusting. Our friends consider us the same entity.
When we do fight.... It's always over something completly asinine. Example - we argued once over the historical meanings of the word "pantaloons" throughout history. And I didn't speak to him for like 2 days.
Like I said, weird
Usually I just go off in my own little corner of the world for a little bit to calm down, and reflect that whatever just happened was really stupid. Then we kiss and make up and everything is sunshine and roses again.
Your BF - sounds like he has a problem bottling up his emotions. Saving up his anger/irritation to blow up at you every 6-8 weeks on a consistent basis. Maybe therapy? I do have some experience with ADHD (small kids) and I know that Adderall messes you up if you take even the slightest amount then what you normally do.
Does he work out with you? Tell him that when he feels frustruated about something - go run it off, lift weights... whatever to blow off steam and NOT keep the emotion saved up for later.
Does he ever act like this with other people?
*Disclaimer - I'm not a therapist or anything.... just pretend to know what I'm talking about :drinker: )
See, THOSE are the kind of arguments we have! Over such weird stuff. I guess because we are exactly the same when it comes to the really important stuff.
He did take more adderall than usual on all the occasions this has happened, and he is stressed about classes, and when he stresses he gets worked up. He loves to run but this semester he hasn't been able to as much because he's been busy. Maybe every 6-8 weeks is when the schoolwork really picks up...it really is like clockwork.
I have only seen him act like this with his parents. They are such sweet people they just kind of take it. I do not! I probably make the situation a little worse by giggling because I think his behavior is so obnoxious. Then I really tell him off when I get fed up with hearing him.
He bought me flowers and a card and wine yesterday, and today he wrote me a really sweet note. He was sooooo mushy I actually started to giggle a little bit. I know, I'm terrible, but I am just not comfortable with huge shows of emotion like that from a guy. He knows I love it though. I feel a lot better today.
(BTW, superb job on the loss! wow!!)
Yeah, sounds like his obnoxiousness is "situational" if it happens regularly. It's just something that he needs to work out for himself, with the help of the Adderall.
As long as he realizes that he hurt your feelings, and makes amends, he's a keeper. Make sure you reciprocate too, if you snap at him. Guys do have very tender feelings.
As for the way he talks to his parents, well I hate to say it, but that's on them. He's probably been doing it since childhood, and they never corrected his manners the first couple of times, so it became normal to act that way. I love sweet people too, but the problem with them is that they are too sweet, and "feel bad" when they have to "punish" their kids for obnoxious or wrong behavior.
There I go, getting all therapist-y again. Maybe I should look into a career change?
(Thx for the loss compliment!)0 -
That seems kind of similar to me and my S/O. Take yesterday for example. I was at my friends house and she said she had to run an errand and would be back in no longer than an hour.. That was at 4 PM. I was watching her 3 kids PLUS the two she was babysitting that day and NONE of them were listening to a thing I said. He calls around 7 - 8 when he got home from school and asked where I was and I told him. He gets PISSED and breaks up with me because we had dinner plans and I let her walk all over me and yada yada yada. I have noticed that about once a month when its about time to go to the dr to get his medicine for his back (he got hit by a car 3 years ago) that he starts acting like that. I've also noticed that he acts like that towards EVERYONE. And like you it takes a lot for me to leave a relationship. I know every relationship is going to have its bad moments but the way I look at it as long as there are more good moments and all my needs are being taken care of why throw away a good thing when things get a little rough?!0
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Sounds to me that he is kind of wanting to break up anyways. Maybe He is unsure of the relationship himself I think and the reason he's rowing his hissy fit is that it's the tension release from the build up of possible resent and regret. Then he gets over it, thinks you guys should be together and acts all sweet but thr major hint is that he is asking you if want to break up. People who don't want to break up deep deep down don't ask their SO over and over again if the want to split. This obviously just a guess, but I've been in similar situation, those feelings would boil over ever 6 -10 weeks or so. I would get over it and everything would be fine until then.
It wasnt until I was really honest with myself that I realised I didn't love her as much as I loved the idea and convienience of being with her.0 -
What a tool.0
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Not sure anyone can answer a question for you that you need to answer your self. As long as you are not in danger (abuse, controlled etc) there should be no need to split immediately. My immediate response is to talk rationally with him. . And like a previous poster said, think about how you would feel being without him. Commitment to a long term relationship is hard work for both. Are you willing and is he willing? After 30 years of marriage, I know we both know exactly how to push each other's buttons and we do so periodically. It sounds hokey, but we love each other and that is what the basis has to be.0
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I'm like you are in that respect. Hubby was raised with a dad like your SO. When we were dating we'd have a few arguments (we dated for 4 1/2 years) once in a great while and he'd start yelling and throwing a tantrum. It's what his dad did. He just thought that's what arguments were - the loudest person wins. I grew up with parents who rarely yelled and when they argued it was rational and a discussion with points and counter points with each person listening to the other. It really bugged me that hubby (then BF) would yell and rant. During one argument he started in and I told him I'd discuss it with him if he wanted to act like an adult but if he wanted to throw a temper tantrum I was leaving. He continued to rant so I went home. The next day he called and apologized and asked if that meant we were breaking up. I told him "No. I don't want to break up with you. I love you. I love the kind, loving, funny, smart, caring man you are. I just don't like the temper tantrum throwing, yelling, ranting person you become whenever we disagree."It got to the point where I just felt exhausted. I actually passed-out on the bathroom sink after a fight. We recently decided to separate and after that discussion we actually felt closer to each other. Weird, huh?
Wow. See I don't get exhausted...I am actually really level headed. I don't like to raise my voice or get worked up or cry. My bf is the one to do those things. I think that's part of what bothers me. I want to be like...man up! Chill out! But that would be very hurtful, and a man isn't any less manly because he shows emotion. It's just not what I'm used to.
He tried to change and it worked for the most part. Usually I'd just have to remind him that he was acting like his dad and he'd immediately calm down. He didn't want to be like that and he sure didn't want any future kids to be raised dealing with what he did growing up.
Fast forward a bit and we were in our first year of marriage. We were in our first house and got into an argument about something. I don't even remember what anymore. I was sitting on the couch and he was standing in the middle of the room and he started yelling. When I told him he was acting like his dad he still kept going saying that he wasn't because his dad would yell about everything and he was yelling because he was upset. I got up, walked up the stairs an stood at the end of the hall as far from him as I could with both of us still being able to see each other. I just stood there. He asked what I was doing. I said "If you are going to yell then I'm going to move far enough away that you have to. If you want to discuss this like rational adults I'll come back down. But I'm not going to end up with a headache because you want to continue shouting in my face.
He apologized. I went back to the living room. We talked it out. He has never yelled since. That was about 18 years ago.
My advice is to continue to be rational and force it on him if you have to. If it means moving to an odd spot as far away as possible then do that. I'm sure it looks pretty stupid to have 2 people standing on opposite ends of a home shouting at each other. But if he wants to yell, then you will put in the distance that requires a bit of a raised voice. If he throws a temper tantrum and acts like a child then treat him like one. When my kids were little and would throw a tantrum I'd go into another room and tell them that if they wanted to talk I'd be there but if they wanted to have a fit I wasn't going to sit around and deal with it.0 -
Not sure anyone can answer a question for you that you need to answer your self. As long as you are not in danger (abuse, controlled etc) there should be no need to split immediately. My immediate response is to talk rationally with him. . And like a previous poster said, think about how you would feel being without him. Commitment to a long term relationship is hard work for both. Are you willing and is he willing? After 30 years of marriage, I know we both know exactly how to push each other's buttons and we do so periodically. It sounds hokey, but we love each other and that is what the basis has to be.
You and I rarely disagree, but...here goes. This young lady is only 25 and in a relationship with a person that has showed repeated instances of immaturity. More often than not, these types of behavior will escalate. Right now, he is throwing his tantrums and then following up with remorse and gifts the next day. It's likely that, as this type of behavior escalates, the day after will soon come with him rationalizing the previous day's fit, then, eventually, he will find find a way to place the blame on her for making him act this way.
I have been married for 20 years. I have never raised my voice or verbally attacked my wife. Let alone physically abused her. My father was married to my mother for over 50 years and always treated her with respect. I'm sure they had their difficulties, but I never saw it.
This young man may or may not eventually grow up, but at 25, why should she waste her time on "maybe". The odds are not good. She's only 25, move on. The majority of men out there do not act like this.
I'm sure you've heard the saying "You get what you deserve." Well, that's bullsh*t! You get what you put up with.
I have three daughters. 30, 28 and 18. I hope they will never allow this crap.0 -
Thank you all!
@Redapple: He definitely feels really bad. He has told me about a million times that he loves me and doesn't want a life without me, and has assured me that he's going to work on his behavior. He doesn't want to have another outburst, especially if we get married and have kids that look up to us.
@widener: Glad I'm not the only one who thinks like that! I think any person I decide to date is worth a serious investment. I too keep my needs in mind and as long as they're met I can work through the other stuff.
@Natx: I think he's asking more like whether I'M going to dump him. Not like he wants to break up and wants to see if I want to break up. He gets really sad at the thought of us breaking up.
@RoadDog: He's really not.
@Rile: I am definitely committed. I think 7 months is sort of soon to be totally sure about marriage, but that's also because I am a child of divorce and have been burned in the past so I'm more cautious. But I know he's very sure about marriage.
@Bahet: That is a great idea! He definitely responds to the physical more when he's in a worked up state. When he's frustrated about school, verbal support doesn't work as well as just a hug or a back rub. So happy that your hubby was able to make that change for you.
This morning he said, for the first time, that he feels good about the exam he has to take tomorrow. It was monumental! It really made me feel good to hear him being more positive because I've been trying to promote that (he's usually a pessimist about school). He said he has really taken my words to heart and wants to make these changes for the both of us.0 -
Not sure anyone can answer a question for you that you need to answer your self. As long as you are not in danger (abuse, controlled etc) there should be no need to split immediately. My immediate response is to talk rationally with him. . And like a previous poster said, think about how you would feel being without him. Commitment to a long term relationship is hard work for both. Are you willing and is he willing? After 30 years of marriage, I know we both know exactly how to push each other's buttons and we do so periodically. It sounds hokey, but we love each other and that is what the basis has to be.
You and I rarely disagree, but...here goes. This young lady is only 25 and in a relationship with a person that has showed repeated instances of immaturity. More often than not, these types of behavior will escalate. Right now, he is throwing his tantrums and then following up with remorse and gifts the next day. It's likely that, as this type of behavior escalates, the day after will soon come with him rationalizing the previous day's fit, then, eventually, he will find find a way to place the blame on her for making him act this way.
I have been married for 20 years. I have never raised my voice or verbally attacked my wife. Let alone physically abused her. My father was married to my mother for over 50 years and always treated her with respect. I'm sure they had their difficulties, but I never saw it.
This young man may or may not eventually grow up, but at 25, why should she waste her time on "maybe". The odds are not good. She's only 25, move on. The majority of men out there do not act like this.
I'm sure you've heard the saying "You get what you deserve." Well, that's bullsh*t! You get what you put up with.
I have three daughters. 30, 28 and 18. I hope they will never allow this crap.
He's never blamed me for anything and I don't see that ever happening. That said, if the outbursts continue, I definitely won't put up with it. At 25, how can I be sure about someone in just half a year? I think you have to date for longer than that to be totally certain about marrying someone. It sounds like your girls have an excellent relationship to model theirs after. 0 -
Just note that I mentioned DANGER that included abuse and controlling. I should have explained further to look up the definitions of an abuser! TheRoadDog is right about the tantrums that could escalate based on the blow up followed by remorse. There is a fine line between immaturity that can be dealt with by working together and an abuser who will not change and only escalate. So I do agree with him in that respect. I grew up in a housefull of hot heads, but never any abuse, but lots of yelling. Just tread carefully.0
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Do you feel safe in this relationship? Uncontrollable rage is kinda like a warning flag.0
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Oh I feel 1000% safe. He would never hurt a fly. He's not physically violent at all. This wasn't rage, it was a tantrum. He is a very gentle person and even when he gets worked up he's never slammed anything around.0
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And you could kick the crap out of him.Oh I feel 1000% safe. He would never hurt a fly. He's not physically violent at all. This wasn't rage, it was a tantrum. He is a very gentle person and even when he gets worked up he's never slammed anything around.
Honestly, I think you're a sensible enough girl to decide whether this is worth pursuing, and it seems you've made up your mind if you read your response. Best of luck to sorting it out, one way or the other 0
This discussion has been closed.
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