Identity/validation

slay0r

Hey Guys,

I've put a post about my identity and validation of things on askmen but to be honest I know nobody on there while I post on here pretty reguarly and have my friends on here. I'm having a little bit of a rough time so be patient with me but please be honest. For those that are American it's 296lb to 163lb rather than stone. Does anyone else feel this way after weight loss?

"Bit of a long one but I'll try n fit everything in that I can.

I was 21 stone about a year and a half ago. I had no confidence, lack of friends and was just generally a recluse. I lived for computer games and was deeply unhappy all of the time. I ate for comfort and hid myself away from everything. I'd had crap all the way throughout school that's always got to me. I knew I always tried to please everyone else all the time just didn't realise it was so ingrained into me.

Fast forward a year and a half, I'm now 11 stone and a half, so more than 9 stone lost in a year and a bit better but I'm still having issues.

I'm finding that I always have to have everything validated by other people. It feels like I have no self identity. If I watch a tv show, I feel like I need to show it someone else for it to be good, I can't just enjoy it to myself. If I'm laughing at something it feels like the other person has to be for me to enjoy it even if it's something that really tickles me. The best way of me describing it is that I like to be liked by everyone, which I'm discovering is never possible. I don't like being disliked and it seems like this kind of attitude breeds the opposite response! I feel like I've driven away friends by being like this and I don't really know how to deal with it, I find myself trying far too hard with people I barely know which obviously puts them off. I have no idea how to meet new people so it's a horrible feeling.

There was a girl that I always saw as out of my league when I was fat, she'd never be interested in me blahblah you've heard it before. Once I'd lost it all we got talking and hit it off. My new found confidence from weight loss definitely helping me out there. We end up having sex and her saying she wants it casual from there. It turns into slightly more than that and we see each other every night for 3 months pretty much, we have a great laugh but she turns around and says she wants to keep it casual and not take it further than that and that she's sorry. I feel back at square 1 again, I'd just started to build myself up again and do my own things, be spontaneous and do new things every day etc. She said one of my main flaws was that I'm unreadable (Been out with a psychiatrist that said the exact same thing) I don't express my feelings enough so they never know where they stand other than that I like them. I do compliment etc but I just find it very hard to let myself go and be myself when I have my validation issue, because I feel if I'm fully myself they won't like me which just won't do.

I'm at a crossroads, feel free to be as blunt as you like, I prefer honesty. "

slay0r

To add to that, people will say go out and find new people. Should I do this on my own or with someone? I didn't really mention that the friends I have still look at me in the same way they did when I was fat, it means I get treated a little differently. The perception just isn't right. I'd like to just meet some new friends and I Think that will help from there. Should I do this alone and just talk to people? I do seem to have a "screw it I'll do it" kind of attitude since the weight loss, I can do things like that, it will just conflict a bit with my validity thing!

martinking1983

To be honest I would have the conviction to be myself and if they dont like that that, then they arent right for you.

You don't NEED validation you would just LIKE it. The same way you used to NEED lots of food, you now no longer do. It will take a long time to change but just relax and be yourself, its all you should ever need to be.

Chairless

To be honest I would have the conviction to be myself and if they dont like that that, then they arent right for you.

You don't NEED validation you would just LIKE it. The same way you used to NEED lots of food, you now no longer do. It will take a long time to change but just relax and be yourself, its all you should ever need to be.

This,

also

You have a pretty sever case of being normal, everybody likes to share things they enjoy because it makes it even better. Thats the same for everyone, everywhere.

New life, new goals, new person pretty much, give youself the time to find your feet and go with the flow more, dont overanalyse things. Most men are very logical, life and most women arnt, theyre more emotionally driven.

slay0r

Yeah that approach works for girls. If they don't like me for who I am then I'm not interested but when it comes to friends it seems to go out the window. It's like I think that if that person doesn't like me then I automatically panic and think that I won't get invited out again and therefore will have no friends. I think I just need to relax more, I've let the fear get in and it's not a good thing. I'm fine 1 on 1 and can talk for England, it seems to be more in a group situation.

slay0r

To be honest I would have the conviction to be myself and if they dont like that that, then they arent right for you.

You don't NEED validation you would just LIKE it. The same way you used to NEED lots of food, you now no longer do. It will take a long time to change but just relax and be yourself, its all you should ever need to be.

This,

also

You have a pretty sever case of being normal, everybody likes to share things they enjoy because it makes it even better. Thats the same for everyone, everywhere.

New life, new goals, new person pretty much, give youself the time to find your feet and go with the flow more, dont overanalyse things. Most men are very logical, life and most women arnt, theyre more emotionally driven.

Maybe I've just met the wrong people but around my way everyone seems to do their own thing, they seem to enjoy their own company and get everything done for themselves. I get home some nights and just don't have a clue what to do with myself yet if someone was there I'd have a million ideas.. it's actually ridiculous now.

martinking1983

To be honest I would have the conviction to be myself and if they dont like that that, then they arent right for you.

You don't NEED validation you would just LIKE it. The same way you used to NEED lots of food, you now no longer do. It will take a long time to change but just relax and be yourself, its all you should ever need to be.

This,

also

You have a pretty sever case of being normal, everybody likes to share things they enjoy because it makes it even better. Thats the same for everyone, everywhere.

New life, new goals, new person pretty much, give youself the time to find your feet and go with the flow more, dont overanalyse things. Most men are very logical, life and most women arnt, theyre more emotionally driven.

Yeah, well said...

Miss_dannii

Hey, I can relate to a lot of this, I always feel like I need people to approve of things before I do them or buy them or like them. I don't know why I'm like that but your post has given me a bit of a hmm lightbulb moment. That really sucks about that girl, especially because you had carried the feelings for so long and they were probably new for her and therefore easier for her to put an end to things.

I'm also like you in the way that I don't express my feelings, I usually find it easier just to slap on a smile and let people think I'm ok. It's happened loads of times where something will really bother me or really hurt me, but I bottle up what I really want to say, and then eventually I'll explode and make a huge deal out of something that the other person has forgotten all about. My best friend hurt me a couple of times in the past year, I put the smile on and said oh it's ok..... then I just lost the rag and now we don't really speak anymore. Partly to do with her feeling so bad that I hadn't come to her before. I never thought of myself as messed up at all but when I think of some of the ways I am it makes me wonder lol.

Anyway I don't know how to answer your question or to advise you, but I just wanted to say you've come such a long way and what you've done is so outstanding and admirable. I know you don't feel like you should be yourself in case they don't like you then, but if you are trying to make real friends, then you want them to be in your life forever, and it won't be fun for you to have to put on a front forever and always be someone else when they're around. I think there are a whole lot of traits you could have that would make you unlikable but from what I've seen of you and what I've read here, I don't think it's as bad as you see it to be Take some confidence from what you've achieved and as cliche as it sounds, be yourself x

Chairless

they seem to enjoy their own company and get everything done for themselves. I get home some nights and just don't have a clue what to do with myself yet if someone was there I'd have a million ideas.. it's actually ridiculous now.

You said it yourself, thats how they seem, thats how everyone seems to people looking in. Some nights im busy, others im not and wonder why. You think you have a problem but i dont see anything out of the ordinary.

You say you try too hard, thats just makes you a nice guy, unless you are annoying with it which doesnt seem to be the case.

Confidence, give yourself time to build confidence in your new life and dont erode it by questioning yourself.

Seriously, buck the **** up my man. I am where you are and its the best advice i can give.

Kymmu

I think the confidence issue will get better if you take up a new sport , hobby or past time with people who have known you.
You have to shake the old image. I would never have dreamed you were those people in the before photos...
You seem like a sensitive and engaging guy....most people respond well to those traits. You look very smart in your profile pic- you really have a lot going for you and have nothing to concern yourself about.
Relax and stop over thinking things!
When you meet a new set of people to them you are the slim, interesting, fun guy they see....take it from there! I wouldn't even feel the need to refer to your weighty past - why bother? It's gone!

emstaley4

As a woman who always looked to others for her validation and self-esteem it was really hard to 're-train' myself to trust my own thoughts and opinions. Really I am the only person whom I have to please. I have to lay my head down at night and be satisfied with myself and my life and if I'm not it isn't because someone else doesn't like me or my choices it's because I don't like myself or my choices.
Looking at your profile and pics you have come a long way physically but have to work on changing your emotional self and mindset about being the 'fat guy'
Everyone wants to be liked...male or female. I worry about not having friends and not being included. We are human and it is perfectly normal. Whats not normal is when those thoughts drive your every move and you sacrifice who you really are in order to please other people and 'have friends'. My friends love me for who I am, not what I look like, Thin or fat I'm still the same person and so are you.
Don't know if this is in-line with your thoughts but it's the first thing that came to my mind when I read your post! Good Luck to you, you look like a sweet guy.

Aviendha_RJ

Wow. Add breasts, & you're ME... lol.

High school = sucked. No friends. Never fit in. Joined Yearbook to at least have an outlet. Mom died: lost the couple of people I at least hung out with AT school too... they didn't know how to talk to me.

Phsyciatrist said to me = I'm hard to read. But I'm also a blunt object... I say things... Jokes... people think I'm serious, & I end up offending people I don't mean to.

Right now, I just started a new job, & I was sat down by my boss yesterday & told he was disappointed in me... because I seemed so confident in the interview he LOVED that & hired me. But now I come across as COCKY? What?! Really? I've been feeling like a fish out of water!

It's all perception. What we see is not what others see. What I got told yesterday?

"Be QUIET... ask questions... don't worry about fitting in just yet. Focus on getting to know the other person before I let them get to know ME. You can "Wow" people later with how smart & talented you are.... but you have to earn their trust, & not ruffle feathers."

Maybe this advice works for you too.

Jezebel_Barbie

I noticed you cycle, do you do any sports/hobbies with other people? I would try making new friends from fitness classes or sports or something. I have several more reclusive friends - some of them frequently turn down invitations to hang out with us so they can play video games instead - so I don't count on those guys to be up for much socialising. If you make some new friends from sports/classes then at least you know they're more likely to be the sociable types!

fitniknik

So maybe when you were "fat" you latched on to people that you knew would accept you. That could be to your benefit that could be to the opposite also as they could be very genuine and good people to take you not based on your weight, also they could have had you around as their "confidence boost". I wouldn't get rid of them and find new friends, just add to your circle.

Ditch that chick, shes no good for you! Im positive that if you act as your own person, laugh when you think somethings funny, get mad when you are mad (ya know show what your brain is telling you you feel) that you might to start differently and those around you as well.

Im no psychologist. I struggle with friends/significant other's and my identity a lot too. Not to such an extent but I think everyone struggles when they doubt themselves. You have been through such a huge life change that you need to find yourself again.

Just an idea, try a singles vacation or cruise. My co-worker did this. He made a ton of new friends (guys and girls) and came a way with a new sense of confidence.
Hope this helps!

Tiki1978

I personally think perhaps you still have this "fat person" mentality. Your still struggling with some self esteem issues. Totally normal and expected. Your mind hasnt caught up with your body. And yet you expected so much more to change and on many levels it has. But every aspect of your life cant be perfect, and you expected it to be. Therefore, your let down. We all have that fantasy of how our lives are going to be when we lose the weight. How we are going to look, feel, how other people treat us.

As far as friends go and meeting new people. If you have to feel like you have to try to be friends with them, thats not going to work, friends just click.I'm going to tell you that girl is going to just be a thorn in your side for as long as you let her be. Let her go.

You have come a long way. You worked so hard. You deserve to be happy. The only person in your way is you.

slay0r

Thank you everyone!

I'm going out with an old work friend that knows me inside out tomorrow so that will be pretty cool, we're "going on the pull" together so that should be a great way of meeting new people. Also have a friends birthday for saturday so I will practice the whole just being myself there That girl will be there but it doesn't bother me, she's a friend of all of my friends so I need to get over it. Plus I'd rather show I'm out there enjoying myself straight away!