Why is the number such a big deal?

kaleas

This is a small rant towards myself.

Last night I had this huge meltdown after I weighed myself.

140. Again. Bouncing between 136 - 145 since February.

Last year at this time I began MFP, and was down to 128, and maintained that about all summer.

Why the hell am I stuck at 140?

I'm almost done with Stage One of the NLROW. I bike. I run. I do have a desk job this year where as last year I was working retail where I could wander. I've upped my calories as they suggested and generally average anywhere from 1600-1800. Maybe this is a bad idea.

But yes, I do sometimes have days where I eat more, drink more. But I've cut back. I've never been an unhealthy eater. I live on vegetables and reading ingredient labels. But there are days where I want 3 slices of pizza and 3 beers. And I have them.

I'm not unattractive. My clothes still fit nice. They look good. But for some reason, the number, 140, sticks in my head. I'm 20 pounds over my goal weight. At 5'4, I want, no, NEED, to weigh 120. And until I reach that number, all I can think about is the massive amount of fat on my body. On my hips. My stomach. The way my arms look in a tank top. My cheeks. Anything that I can grab, grosses me out. I hate my own body, and I'm struggling in it.

I don't want to be unhappy at this weight. It's easy to maintain, I'm healthy and still enjoy life. But for some reason, that magic scale number of 120 is going to solve all of my problems.

I really need to get over it.

DaveRCF

You may be maintaining 140 but I bet you are getting stronger! Strong is beautiful, and THAT is something to fixate on.