Tortured Soul

SwannySez

He was an selfish idiot. But man.. what talent.

That's a rather harsh assessment. I'm of multiple minds on suicide. When my big brother blew his heart out with a Charter Arms .44 Bulldog loaded with special wad cutters I'm sure it seemed like the most selfless thing he could do. By doing so he would never show up at my parents' house accompanied by dealers to whom he owed money. He would never again need to call his little brother to come pay off a dealer who was sitting on his porch with a sawed off shotgun. There were a lot of good and valid reasons that surely made it seem to him the best option available and, in fact, the most selfless.

Hell, when I heard he'd done it, the first thing that ran through my head was Hannibal Lector's voice, "Best thing for him really."

But then, I've always been borderline-sociopathic and he and I had our own history.

I took that attitude home with me, that this was for the best. But seeing what his choice meant for the family he left behind? That's where the selflessness thing begins to break down. See he wasn't there when our mother with a shaking voice asked me, "What did I do wrong? Was there something I could have done better?" Nor has he seen the many different ways that his act drove my little sister well 'round the bend. He didn't see the shattered and hollow look in his friend Tony's face. See, Tony lent him the gun. To do some target shooting. He didn't see the desperation in our nephews and nieces; the kids who idolized him and forgave his flaws and glowed like flashbulbs whenever he was around. He didn't see the youngest of them struggling to understand where Unca Bawky went. He also didn't see us spending days trying to decipher the freaking suicide note he didn't start writing until he was half dead from carbon momoxide poisoning, "Is that Mon. or Mom? Is that a 'b' or a 'p'?"

The thing was, I knew what his issues were. He knew what his issues were. His dealers knew what his issues were. Everybody that knew him in a more than passing fashion pretty much knew what his issues were. He just couldn't bring himself to confront those issues.

Since we grew up together most of his issues were my issues. I made it through. It wasn't rocket science how to get through those issues.

Now maybe this is a little too pesonal and can't be applied to everybody. True. But, I would say that to characterize suicide as an unselfish act and to lionize it as selfless is perhaps as misguided as the quoted assessment.

*Edit*

I should have made clear that I thought I knew what you meant _snw_. I think I kinda knew that you meant that to the person it seemed selfless. But the way it came across was more generally that suicide WAS the most selfless thing possible, 'It is for you all that I kill myself." It's an important distinction that I should have recognized and adressed.

annabellio

This city came to a standstill when the news got out. You'd walk down the street and acknowledge strangers in a way never done before because you KNEW what they were feeling. 18 years later my heart still hurts. This morning John Richards (KEXP) started his show with a Mad Season song ( since eerily Layne Staley also died on an April 5) and then right into Nirvana then dedicated his entire show to all Seattle music- it was sad but beautiful. Take a listen to Mountain Goats' "Love, Love Love" it was written for Kurt. And it's heartwrenching.

MisterDubs303

I remember having a bunch of high school students who, at the time of his death,
made a vow to commit suicide on the 10th anniversary. :laugh:
Idiots. :noway:

pooloftears

I have read a lot about Kurt, and he is often misunderstood. My favorite Nirvana song is Heart Shaped Box. RIP Kurt. Francis Bean looks so much like him.

J3SSP3NNY

heresmyinsidevoice

RIP to Layne Staley and Kurt Cobain.

JennieAL

in many cases, suicide is the most UNSELFISH thing someone can do. Apparently you've never felt like that - you haven't felt like your mere existance is hurting every single person you love. Most suicides are a ridiculous act of SELFLESSNESS.

I'd like to think my mom was being unselfish. But, as human beings... I doubt it's possible, you know... the whole Ayn Rand thing regarding altruism, etc.

I have a hard time thinking there's any act that's truly unselfish, especially when it involves finality such as death.

Nirvana was great. RIP Kurt.

Monkeymomma05

He was an selfish idiot. But man.. what talent.

oh no. we are going to have to fight.

Think, for just a moment about this idea...
think you were utterly tortured. horribly so. but you were an artist and did the one thing that made some sense to you. and then suddenly sit back and realize that in a short amount of time, you got everything. you. could. possibly. gain from said art. everything. and you were still tortured. think of how hard that would be to come to grip. NOTHING - your art, fame, money, family, a new baby girl, NOTHING was going to make you feel like you'd come out of this pit of despair. nothing. no possible future of happiness that you can see.

in many cases, suicide is the most UNSELFISH thing someone can do. Apparently you've never felt like that - you haven't felt like your mere existance is hurting every single person you love. Most suicides are a ridiculous act of SELFLESSNESS.

Who knows the inner workings of someone so full of hurt. but a selflish idiot? i can't put that kind of judgement on someone when i haven't been in their brain.

You obviously have never worked in a mental health environment or dealt with the aftermath of said 'unselfish' act as I have.

hennyben

Swanny I am sorry about your brother and the repercussions his suicide has on your family. And JennieAL sorry about your mom too.
I don't have first hand experience of suicide but I can't imagine the torment in a person's mind and heart before they come to the absolute decision to end it all.
They must feel a) that they are doing everybody a favour and/or b) they truly cannot go on living with the torture inside themselves and so will forego ever seeing or holding their loved ones again. I guess unless we've been there we'll never know.

TeenaMarina

He was an selfish idiot. But man.. what talent.

oh no. we are going to have to fight.

Who knows the inner workings of someone so full of hurt. but a selflish idiot? i can't put that kind of judgement on someone when i haven't been in their brain.

Thank you for that.

Fockertots

He was an selfish idiot. But man.. what talent.

oh no. we are going to have to fight.

Think, for just a moment about this idea...
think you were utterly tortured. horribly so. but you were an artist and did the one thing that made some sense to you. and then suddenly sit back and realize that in a short amount of time, you got everything. you. could. possibly. gain from said art. everything. and you were still tortured. think of how hard that would be to come to grip. NOTHING - your art, fame, money, family, a new baby girl, NOTHING was going to make you feel like you'd come out of this pit of despair. nothing. no possible future of happiness that you can see.

in many cases, suicide is the most UNSELFISH thing someone can do. Apparently you've never felt like that - you haven't felt like your mere existance is hurting every single person you love. Most suicides are a ridiculous act of SELFLESSNESS.

Who knows the inner workings of someone so full of hurt. but a selflish idiot? i can't put that kind of judgement on someone when i haven't been in their brain.

Thank you.

HiKaren

I'm just glad he did live on this earth, and he did share his music and his soul with the world.
God bless him. Until we see him again......:flowerforyou:

blueandigo

He's such a *****. He saved us all from his horrible music.