Painful But True, Self Sabotage

Teria

I really am not concerned if anyone wants to or takes the time out to read this, but I would appreciate if anyone did.

Self Sabotage, what is it? Where do I get it from? And How do I conquer it?

These are the questions that I have asked myself over the past year or so and have failed to come from answers, but with some more in depth pondering I am beginning to come up with real answers.

Growing up, I was confused. The disgust and guilt that came along with my father commenting on how “sexy” I was while sitting on his lap at the age of 11, telling me how he would never “molest” me
while he would sleep in my bed at night despite the fact there was no need to. Paired with my mother’s constant reminders of how because I had breasts and was fat (I was only 5’2 and 110lbs) at
the age of 12 I could no longer play like the other girls my age; these early (smaller) incidents killed my
sense of self. I became a depressed person whose only way of attempting to become happy was through self sabotage (eating uncontrollably, suicidal thoughts, etc.).

Self sabotage for me comes from child hood. I am terrified of again becoming that girl who is too young with a shape that is too old. I do not want to be the center of attention, I do not want men (especially men who are older or are not "typical") to pay attention to me. During puberty my interaction with others, female and male, were stunted by my physical appearance. I was often designated as only a sexual being with guys and a “big boobed *****” among the girls. I also learned how to use my body to get what I want and the power of sexual attraction, more like the power of lust.

Nearly 10 years after all of that has passed the feeling of insecurity and not being good enough has stuck with me. Despite separating myself from my biological family (except for my youngest sister), being with someone who I love to death, and building a network of people who I can call family and love as though I have known them all my life, I still struggle with my self esteem. I often have trouble believing that my boyfriend of three years even finds me attractive and sometimes I cannot even FATHOM the fact that he stayed with me when I was 180lbs and being a pure insecure *****. I feel as though I am not good enough for him because he is a smart, promising, attractive young man who gets hit on physically and intellectually (if you know what I mean) by damn near everyone he comes into contact with. I feel the same tension with others such as my younger sister, or any of those who are close to me.

There are times I believe I am not good enough. That I will never measure up to those around me no matter how skinny I am, how great I look in a swimsuit, how long my hair is, or how bright my eyes are.
Yet, at the same time I know that if I do become slim and grow my hair out, I will be held to a higher standard. A standard that says “Yes I can control my life and the things that I want to do with my body”. A standard that says “Yes, I worked very hard to get what I want, I deserve what I have and I will continue to be the woman I choose to be”.

By accomplishing my goal of losing the weight, I will relinquish all control from those in my past and move on to become an individual. At times I am scared of this new individual because I have no idea who she is. Is she someone the people around me will not be able to handle? Is she super *****? Is she wild and crazy? Is she everything that I have failed to be in my past? Is she the key to my happiness? And if so, will I be able to keep up with this new Me? Will I be able to handle the demands and pressures that come along with being more “attractive” more confident, and in turn, more dominant?

Besides from the physical, I know I am an awesome person. I am admirable, personable, all those great things that we should strive to be, but at times I feel bad for believing it. I feel bad for believing that I have courage, I am a survivor, I am strong, and that I am just overall a great person. I find myself backtracking because I don’t believe I am entitled to claim these characteristics because if I was so strong, I would be able to have ALL parts of my life in order. My physical appearance would reflect my inside feelings and I would not be a block in the road to my own success.

I know that my future is in my own hands and now that I have begun to explore my own history and reasons that allow me to keep myself down. I have to always remember that I am successful even on the days when I hate myself the most and decide to pig out on whatever I get my hands on. I always have to remember that no matter what, I am Teria, I am beautiful, and I am worth it.

Welcome to my first steps of eliminating self sabotage and I appreciate you taking the time to share it with me.

NaiLo

I think you are extremely courageous, and you have more strength than you know.. to over come any and all obstacles that come into your life. God bless you and your journey

Changeisgonnacome

The first thing we all need to realise is that we have control over one thing and only one thing, ourselves. This person you refer to as 'She' is YOU. So the new you will be who you decide she will be. Pretty outstanding if you ask me! I do understand the fear of the unknown. Awesome post.

chels0

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most
frightens us.
We ask ourselves; who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
-Marianne Williamson

This is I quote I struggle to live with, it made me think of you immediately. This was in Nelson Mandela's inaugural speach and I keep it close to my heart. I hope you do as well.

heather0mc

she most definitely is YOU! you are fantastic and are much wiser beyond your years. you will succeed with your goals and will succeed in life. you will be a role model for those around you.

good for you girl!! :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

msh0530

Hey girl, you are one awesome person! Courageous to share your story, and gorgeous. I can see the inner glow even in your picture. You will come out victorious, because you have a handle on the roots of your problems. Just remember - you are not alone. God bless you, and have a fantastic Tuesday! Mary

mzaccardi

You are well on your way to becoming a very wise and powerful women. Ready to tackle whatever the world throws at you. It sounds like you have come to terms with your past, or at the very least it's out in the open and now you can heal and become the person you want to be. Our past experiences can influence who we are only to the extent that we let them. The future really is in your own hands. It was my privilege to read your post. God bless you on your journey.

staclo

You are an extremely introspective and courageous woman. I know that you will be successful and that you will be a positive influence to those around you!! :flowerforyou:

RachVR6

:flowerforyou: Sounds a lot like my own story...try reading 'Loving Yourself' by Daphne Rose Kingma. It was a real eye opener for me.

CarmenSantiago

I also think that you are courageous and strong. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope it was cathartic for you get that out. God Bless you in your journey. :flowerforyou:

jlbay

Thank you for sharing your story. It is good to be reminded that I am not alone - and neither are you - in these feelings. It is a powerful realization.

Self sabotage - we really can be our own worst enemy, can't we?

pickadilly2009

It is amazing what our families can do to us. It has taken me so many years to even see! Good for you to realize it when you are still so young! You have an amazing future right there in front of you, made just for you and no one else.....grab it!

Teria

Thank You Everyone, I am trying not to cry reading all of your replies. It is nice to know that I am not crazy, there are others who share my feelings, and that it is possible to overcome. I take all of the words and advice said here to heart. Again, I appreciate you all taking the time to take a peek into my struggles.

EllieAmancy

Thanks for sharing a bit of your story on here. I am also familiar with self-sabotage but in my case it was in the form of a 12-year relationship with an abusive husband. It's been three years since I left him and it is sometimes scary how wonderful my life is now. It can be scary to realize how truly powerful we are to create an awesome life! When I get scared, I just slow down and try to take one day at a time.

Many hugs to you, Teria. You have not just survived, you are thriving!

:flowerforyou:

Tofuheart

Spot on post! I have also wondered why I self-sabotage myself. I'm very strict but then I just let myself go sometimes. It's out of character and not like how I believe I am. I'm starting to understand that I'm worth the effort and work and I must put myself first. I was also raised in an environment where I wasn't supported or learned about positive self esteem. I'm glad I'm starting to get the big picture at my young age instead of some unfortunate people that struggle at a much later age.

Excellent post and really empowering. :flowerforyou:

MOMOFTWO29

thanks for sharing your story. you are very strong to have done that. :flowerforyou: