Reconciliation after Divorce...

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  • Dayna154
    Dayna154 Posts: 910 Member
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    When I let go of all the ugliness and harbored no feelings towards him... It wasnt instant but I dont feel anything towards him.
    I have found and horrid memories both.. When I think of those things I have feelings but towards him... nada
    I could be civil once I started down that path
  • k1ngfl1pper
    k1ngfl1pper Posts: 46 Member
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    From the other side of the aisle.. My ex and I divorced in 2005 after my return from overseas are we are very civil in public. But since I was awarded custody this past Summer, I know (after hearing it from my daughter) that she wants me to die a painful and horrible death. And I can safely say I feel roughly the same way about her. Difference is, I don't show that to my daughter. We are never going to reconcile and to be honest, I don't feel the need to.
  • coachblt
    coachblt Posts: 1,090
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    Reconciliation taking place is different for each person/couple. There are cuts that require time to heal.

    Divorced 12 years now.
    Not remarried
    2 daughters (17/13)
    1 lives with me, the youngest with mom

    Let me be clear...I don't like or trust my ex-wife and if you knew her, you'd know exactly why. However, I am cordial/civil towards her because it does absolutely no good to be otherwise. It took roughly a year to come to our senses.

    Today, we rarely speak now that our daughters are older and have a cell phone with them 24/7. They do most of the communicating for us, although I did speak with her more than normal this week.

    I wish you all well. Keep the faith!
  • Kerri_is_so_very
    Kerri_is_so_very Posts: 1,005 Member
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    We parted 3 years ago and I still want to scratch his eyes out :mad: :explode: I can't even fathom the day that we are actually civil. I try, but he certainly brings out the worst in me :devil:
  • greeneyedredneckangel
    greeneyedredneckangel Posts: 79 Member
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    personally Your grown adults yes it hurts yes you want to kill each other at times yes you cant stand the sight of each other
    but hell your grown ups act like it.... You are not children

    I say this and yes i have been through a divorce and even though i got my @ss handed to me on a silver platter day in and day out for 2 years i still was woman enough grown up enough to be an adult and be civil even though i had every right to hurt him and humiliate him like he had done me for years

    be grown ups not toddlers
  • apena_06
    apena_06 Posts: 50
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    Length of time is obviously different for everyone because everyone's situations are different. For me it took around 2-3 years to become civil with him and it took around 4 before I actually forgave him for the damage (mentally and emotionally) that he caused me. We have a 7 year old daughter together and from day one we swore we'd never fight in front of her and do our best to co-parent in a healthy way, which we did/do. On a personal level it took me a lot of soul searching and really accepting myself before I could even think to forgive him.

    Good luck and trust me when I say, it does eventually get easier!
  • tinytubbs
    tinytubbs Posts: 54
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    the ex wife and i were civil within a few weeks of the seperation....we both knew it was over. Now the gf i dated for 4 years after my first wife.....everytime i make a gesture to try and get along i get my hand cut off. It has been 13 years since we were together and she was the one caught cheating on me but for some reason when i left her i became the bad guy...lol. The only reason i even make an effort is because we have a kid together. otherwise i would not even try.
  • Pdschurig
    Pdschurig Posts: 56 Member
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    I have been divorced almost 14 years now and I am mostly indifferent toward my ex now. He cheated at every oppertunity and left me feeling guilty and ashamed in front of my friends and family. I have not had any contact with him for 4 years now and I do not see that changing since he is now a "guest" of the Great State of Texas. I can only hope that he will be always and eternally denied parole or have an "accident" in the shower. Not pretty sorry!
  • A_New_Horizon
    A_New_Horizon Posts: 1,555 Member
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    personally Your grown adults yes it hurts yes you want to kill each other at times yes you cant stand the sight of each other
    but hell your grown ups act like it.... You are not children

    I say this and yes i have been through a divorce and even though i got my @ss handed to me on a silver platter day in and day out for 2 years i still was woman enough grown up enough to be an adult and be civil even though i had every right to hurt him and humiliate him like he had done me for years

    be grown ups not toddlers

    Let me be clear: I am NOT being a child. My ex is actually incarcerate for Child pornography, and he ISN'T allowed to have contact with me or the kids right now. I hope in time I can learn to forgive him and be civil - down the road. Right now, I am out to protect myself and my children from him. He treated me horrible: cheated, abuse, etc. I am one damaged woman from it. So, I am not being childish - it came up in my DivorceCare last night, and I was just asking for personal experience from those that have been divorced about a rought estimate of time. Don't judge BEFORE you know all the facts!!!!
  • A_New_Horizon
    A_New_Horizon Posts: 1,555 Member
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    I have been divorced almost 14 years now and I am mostly indifferent toward my ex now. He cheated at every oppertunity and left me feeling guilty and ashamed in front of my friends and family. I have not had any contact with him for 4 years now and I do not see that changing since he is now a "guest" of the Great State of Texas. I can only hope that he will be always and eternally denied parole or have an "accident" in the shower. Not pretty sorry!

    LOl - I feel the same about about my ex; he is a "guest" in the great state of PA. His min is up in 5 years, but I honestly believe he will be doing more like 10-15 before paroled (since his max is 40 yrs).
  • hitmewitdarock
    hitmewitdarock Posts: 31
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    he was into child porn and was a d*ck that didnt treat his kids right? you want to reconcile? are you for f***ing real?

    why this guy isnt completely done in your life is beyond me... the child porn charge is a dead giveaway.. he is a nutjob and dangerous to chiuldren and others.. do you lack self esteem?

    get rid of the guy and be done with it.. and the only way he sees the kids is under court supervision...
  • havingitall
    havingitall Posts: 3,728 Member
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    personally Your grown adults yes it hurts yes you want to kill each other at times yes you cant stand the sight of each other
    but hell your grown ups act like it.... You are not children

    I say this and yes i have been through a divorce and even though i got my @ss handed to me on a silver platter day in and day out for 2 years i still was woman enough grown up enough to be an adult and be civil even though i had every right to hurt him and humiliate him like he had done me for years

    be grown ups not toddlers

    It is amazing that you would judge people without knowing circumstances. I hope you are a lot more tolerant with people in your real life
  • A_New_Horizon
    A_New_Horizon Posts: 1,555 Member
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    he was into child porn and was a d*ck that didnt treat his kids right? you want to reconcile? are you for f***ing real?

    why this guy isnt completely done in your life is beyond me... the child porn charge is a dead giveaway.. he is a nutjob and dangerous to chiuldren and others.. do you lack self esteem?

    get rid of the guy and be done with it.. and the only way he sees the kids is under court supervision...

    Yes, I am bascially done with him and working on my divorce now, but he is still the father of my children (2 actually). I don't believe he will be allowed around the children except supervised, but that means I still need to be civil. Yes, I do lack in self-esteem (from the abuse).
  • mandie0378
    mandie0378 Posts: 73 Member
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    I have never been married myself, but was thrown in the middle of my parents rather messy divorce.

    My parents were married 28 years when they split up due to my father's infedility. I was 22 and my brother was 25. On top of this my maternal grandmother was in the end stages of ovarian cancer. My mother was so hurt that she wanted us to hate our Dad. While I didn't approve of what he had done, he was still my Dad and I loved him.

    My mother was so bitter that for at least 3 - 4 years after they finally divorced that she felt the need to bash my Dad every chance she got. It got to the point my brother didn't come around at all and I often had words with my mother.

    Finally one day I told my mother that it had to stop. Pointing out that this horrible person she was once married to was in fact my father and I didn't pick him, she did.

    They've been divorced over 10 years now and my mother still sometimes resorts to bashing him or making snide remarks about him. It eats away at her I can tell.

    The moral of the story is, forgive yourself. Because a lot of times I think people are more mad at themselves for having that person in their life. The need to be nasty or rude to someone satisfies your own personal need, but sometimes showing no emotion at all towards that person can be the ultimate revenge.

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