Want to feel normal again.

Numptcakes

To be honest I'm really not bothered if anybody replies to this - I just need it out of my system.

What happened to the old me? Bubbly girl, loved by many. Now a stressed, sad and obsessed monster whose family won't even approach her. I thought this journey would make me feel better about myself. Instead, I lay awake at night worrying about whether I'm eating at the right calorie goal, whether I've overestimated anything for the day or if tomorrow is going to bring any unexpected caloric surprises that I haven't accounted for. I'm just an empty shell, no spark, disgusted by what I see in the mirror.

At 5ft 5, I was 122lbs when I joined here. Put on a bit of weight after my last trip to Turkey and wanted to shift it. I'd been told by the doctor not to lose weight but I felt like I HAD to get rid of just a few pounds. A few months later - 10lbs later - and I still feel fat and ashamed. It was all done the wrong way - lots of exercise, not enough food. Skinny fat. Now, as I'm trying to correct all my wrongdoings, the numbers on the scale are going up (114lbs this morning, ugh) and I can't bear it. I'm trying everything within my power to shed body fat and not focus on weight but the scales are creeping up and the fat is just THERE. Big *kitten*, big thighs, bloated belly. Lol, crying just thinking about it.

"Lift heavy," I've been told. I've got no chance of having access to heavy enough weights when Dad takes our trips to the gym away from me as punishment (last night I binged on about 900cal of chocolate and showed remorse, which angered him and resulted in no gym session). I have the 30 Day Shred, 1.13kg dumbells and my feet, for what they're worth. What god damn chance do I have? Sure, it's something I could work on over the next few months and gradually reduce my body fat...

...But time is not on my side. In 20 days I move abroad, where everything will be thrown up in the air again. No way to track what I'm eating, no access to a gym (because I can't speak the language) and no money for home gym equipment. Just a fat trollop in a bikini. That's something my partner can be proud of.

I may as well give up now. I miss the days where I didn't crucify myself for eating 3 slices of pizza. I miss not breaking out in a cold sweat when the family want to eat out. I miss being talked to, and being able to talk back. I'm losing everyone, including my fiance. I really thought this journey would make me feel better about myself. So what am I doing wrong? Who the hell am I?

nisemac

i think, maybe you should go back to the beginning and think about why you wanted to lose weight when you doctor said you were fine. Perhaps, somewhere along the way, you confused getting/being toned with being fat? you need to be able to see what your doctor, fiance, and family see and not, what appears to be, a distorted image of yourself.

from your post, i get the impression that while you may think that this journey of feeling better thru your physical self is what you needed, it sounds like you've got an internal struggle that you need to face.

i'm no expert, but i feel your heartache. you can friend me if you like. *hugs*

missagillespie

Ok, I've heard all this before. Theres 2 ways I can put this. I can be nice, or I can tell it like it is.

Ok, so you binged on chocolate - we've all done it - the thing is you know it's not the best, but we've all been there. (me too last night. Yes, I ate 2 easter eggs). Dont deprive yourself of these things though as thats why you felt you had to eat a whole weeks intake of calories in chocolate in one sitting. (again - ive been there).

And because your dad takes your gym trips away as punishment - well, running is free. You dont need to be a member of a gym. Sign yourself up for a 5k or 10k and have a goal.

Look at the things that make you bloat - I dont eat pasta, firstly because I can have a massive stir-fry with lean meat and rice noodles for the same amount of calories as 40g of pasta shells.

I'm also doing Weight Watchers, I lost 6lbs in my first week, and I'm pretty sure I put that on at the weekend there. (oh bad wine and crisps and dip!)

What I'm saying is, everyone has slip-ups. You know in your head what you want the scales to say, so anytime you feel like eating anything "bad" - think about what you could have instead that might satisty you for longer.

Youre not fat, but just think about (not obsess over) what you eat.

Lolli1986

wow.... but... i think you look sexy as hell! you have my goal bum, haha.

It sounds like you have lost sight of what healthy looks like, because you look healthy, and your numbers look healthy.

when i start getting too obsessed with the numbers i have to force myself to step away from them. to not track, to not weigh, to look in the mirror and remind myself that i am -healthy-.

a bit of an aside... this is a hard thing for me to remember. my ex-boyfriend started to try to tell me that i was too heavy for my height, when i was BMI 24 (i personally find that BMI is a great measure of health for those who are not naturally extremely lean or muscular). even though i know that i put my weight on due to having only basic mobility for an entire year, what he said still rings in my ears. i absolutely HAVE to consciously remind myself that i am healthy and he is an a*hole for even bringing it up.

it's almost as though you've got my ex kicking around in the back of your brain. well he is an a*hole, so do everything you can to kick him out of there, because you are hot as hell, lady.

missagillespie

"I may as well give up now. I miss the days where I didn't crucify myself for eating 3 slices of pizza. I miss not breaking out in a cold sweat when the family want to eat out. I miss being talked to, and being able to talk back. I'm losing everyone, including my fiance. I really thought this journey would make me feel better about myself. So what am I doing wrong? Who the hell am I? "

And dont become a diet bore! Have your pizza - everything in moderation though! I "treat" myself to a chinese on a Friday night. If I've stuck within my calories all week I think I deserve it.

Alcohol - leave the wine/beer/cider and stick to spirits and diet juice. ;-) you'll be fine missy!

gooiyw

I'm no expert, but you shouldn't feel so bad about this. We're all on this same journey and chances are, we are all going through the same mistakes (low calorie dieting and exercise the crap out of ourselves), anxiety (at relying too much on that damned scale) and relearning (you got that right, do eat to net at your goal BMR!) And I also read somewhere in MFP (I'm sure you would have/ or soon will) that the best way to measure your loss or gain in fat is via measuring tape, not that scale. Because the scale could well be telling you a story of how much muscle mass you're losing due to a lower than advised calorie intake.

I'm trying my level best myself to up my calorie intake to net my target weight BMR and gosh it's hard work. I also have faith that this healthier way will work. Try not to sweat not knowing the calories before you decide to eat something. If you're not full from a proper meal, and the meal seems nutritious, eat it. Figure it out later. (Google it, google the measurements and at worst case, log a quick calorie, then leave it.) I have trouble with measuring my calorie intake as well... eating mostly from a communal table with chopsticks. But besides trying to do this so that you're outwardly beautiful, try also to remain inwardly beautiful. Your family should have their happy, loving daughter/sister/fiance back. Hope you get over this and be bubbly again!

Btw, I think 122lbs on a 5'5'' girl is perfect! (My goal weight and you're my height!)

JesterMFP

i think, maybe you should go back to the beginning and think about why you wanted to lose weight when you doctor said you were fine. Perhaps, somewhere along the way, you confused getting/being toned with being fat? you need to be able to see what your doctor, fiance, and family see and not, what appears to be, a distorted image of yourself.

from your post, i get the impression that while you may think that this journey of feeling better thru your physical self is what you needed, it sounds like you've got an internal struggle that you need to face.

i'm no expert, but i feel your heartache. you can friend me if you like. *hugs*

^ I like this response!

The thing is, you're at a healthy weight (towards the low end really) and you were at a healthy weight when you started losing. Perhaps you need to stop logging altogether for a little while? You said it yourself that you're obsessed with the numbers, and it's making you miserable. Wanting to "tone up" and be less skinny-fat is fine, wanting to rock a bikini on the beach is fine, but it's not fine to let it ruin your life! If you go to Turkey as you are, or even if you went and were overweight (which you are a long way off being) you'd still be going to start a new life with your fiancé right? You're off on a great adventure and you're going to have the time of your life! A few wobbly bits is not going to change that, and is not going to make him not want you.

I don't know the full story or the dynamic between you and your dad - it's hard to really understand what you are saying happened last night, but is it the case that you ate a lot of chocolate, freaked out, and he got upset because he's worried about you? He didn't let you go to the gym because he thinks you're going overboard with dieting and exercising when you don't need to lose weight? Like I say, I don't know if that is the situation, but if it is, it's understandable. Parents can be very protective, and especially when they have poor eating habits themselves, it's hard for them to see your point of view.

I'm just going to throw this out there, bearing in mind I don't know you, and I'm not a psychologist... but, is it possible there's other stuff that's getting you down? That obsessing over food and weight and numbers means you don't have to think about other stuff? I know that's how my brain works sometimes. Are you worried about moving to a different country? I know I would be, especially at your age! It's a huge step. Sometimes when one aspect of our life feels like it's out of control, food/weight is one area that we can get some kind of control over and try to feel better about things. Just a thought.

On a practical note - you're going to Turkey, not the moon! They have gyms. I know you don't know the language, but is it an area where a lot of people speak English? If it's somewhere a lot of tourists go, I'm sure you'll have no trouble finding a gym where English is spoken. If not, I'm sure you'll pick up the language in no time, at least the essentials! Does your fiancé speak Turkish, could he help you? You don't have to say too much when going to the gym! You might find you can pick up some cheap weights too. There are also lots of exercises you can do at home to work on strength, even just with your body weight (eg. bodyrock.tv) and if you're not going to have access to the internet, you could try them out and print them off before you go.

But honestly, try not to let this ruin your new start in Turkey. It sounds like everything has got a bit overwhelming, so try to take a step back, get some perspective and refocus on what you want to achieve with your body.

Kell_Smurthwaite

I don't particularly want to be harsh, but I have to say it - you're 23 years old - you're an adult, so you need to take responsibility for yourself and your actions, which includes your food choces AND your activity choices. I repeat, YOU ARE AN ADULT, so what say does your dad have on whether or not you go to the gym? If you want to go to the gym, GO! If it's a case of your dad saying "My house, my rules," then isn't it about time you got your own place and stood on your own two feet?

Also, you don't actually NEED a gym to get exercise. Walk. Run. Skip. Lift large cans of beans or heavy books. Do an exercise DVD. Go swimming. Whatever - just get your body moving in any way you can.

You need to pull your socks up, get off the pity train and take control of your life.

YOU CAN DO IT!

I really hope that didn't come over as being unsympathetic, but sometimes you need someone to shoot straight from the hip to jolt you out of self-pity and get you to do something about your situation. I really hope you can and do get back on track, because when we think positively and work hard, we can accomplish anything!

Best of luck!

Shayztar

I really hope that didn't come over as being unsympathetic, but sometimes you need someone to shoot straight from the hip to jolt you out of self-pity and get you to do something about your situation. I really hope you can and do get back on track, because when we think positively and work hard, we can accomplish anything!

I almost think that the OP is making a joke. Or she needs psychiatric help. Sigh. Maybe this whole post should be filed under #firstworldproblems.

"Whaa. I'm so skinny. I eat chocolate. My daddy is mean by taking away my gym membership. My family goes out for dinner together. I go for trips abroad. I know what to do to fix my problems, but I'm going to moan to strangers and do nothing about it."

Norinella

I think your air of desperation does not seem to fit your weight and height, which are in a perfectly normal range. I think you might want to consider the possibility that you have an unrealistically harsh self-image, and look into why that might be happening. Sometimes the mirror lies. Eat healthy food in reasonable proportions, exercise a bit every day, and give yourself a break.

PositivelyFlawed

Going on just this post, since I don't know you from Eve, but what I see in that post is not only a body image issue, but also the basis for an eating/overexercising disorder. From a 'societal norms' perspective, do you NEED to lose weight at 5'5 and 114-122lbs? Not at all. From your own perspective perhaps you'd like to have more muscle tone, that's an honest goal and there is a way to get there, but it does require the scale to go up. There are many MFPers who are here not to lose weight persay but to build muscle. If that is your goal perhaps some of them will chime in.

On the flip side, if you are legitimate looking in the mirror and seeing someone who is fat and unattractive, that is a psychological issue that no amount of diet, exercise or weight loss will correct. Based on the effects your journey is having on your personality and relationships I am guessing, in my completely not professional capacity. That 1) You are miserable with your obsession with weight, food etc . 2) Your family is worried about you and doesn't know what to do to get through to you.

Perhaps some counseling might be in order, if only to find the source of your unhappiness.

I also have a tendency to file this under #1stworldproblems , but can't ignore the fact that many people to struggle with body image/distortions issues.

kaned_ferret

I don't particularly want to be harsh, but I have to say it - you're 23 years old - you're an adult, so you need to take responsibility for yourself and your actions, which includes your food choces AND your activity choices. I repeat, YOU ARE AN ADULT, so what say does your dad have on whether or not you go to the gym? If you want to go to the gym, GO! If it's a case of your dad saying "My house, my rules," then isn't it about time you got your own place and stood on your own two feet?

Also, you don't actually NEED a gym to get exercise. Walk. Run. Skip. Lift large cans of beans or heavy books. Do an exercise DVD. Go swimming. Whatever - just get your body moving in any way you can.

You need to pull your socks up, get off the pity train and take control of your life.

YOU CAN DO IT!

I really hope that didn't come over as being unsympathetic, but sometimes you need someone to shoot straight from the hip to jolt you out of self-pity and get you to do something about your situation. I really hope you can and do get back on track, because when we think positively and work hard, we can accomplish anything!

Best of luck!

+1. Stay focussed, find yourself a challenge. I'm loving c25k, and have just joined up on the zombie apocalypse challenge on here, there's a few challenges about, go find one that sounds fun, and do it! I don't think that your lack of happiness is really routed in numbers here, perhaps there's more internal worries that're getting you down?

CrazyTrackLady

I am sorry you feel this way. I also am ashamed by some of the comments you've received here. I think there is a fine line between being supportive and being condescending and self-righteous. Some have crossed that line, in my opinion.

As for how you are feeling right now, it sounds more like clinical depression (I am not a doctor or psychologist). I would suggest you consider some therapy to help you work through the issues you have surrounding your food concerns and your self-esteem. It sounds to me like you're not processing the real reasons why you feel the way you do.

Many people who struggle with self esteem issues mask their real feelings by eating, or by being obsessed with their weight. It's the one thing we can control when we feel the rest of our world is out of control. This applies to both overeating and developing an eating disorder like anorexia or bulimia.

Take a moment to analyze yourself and your current emotional health. Once you have a handle on why you feel the way you do about life, approach it from a psychological viewpoint. Ask yourself: "Do I feel unworthy?" "Have I lost control over my life?" "Could this be masked depression?".

If you feel like the above questions deserve answering, then go to a therapist first. Worry about the food issues later. You cannot heal the outside when the inside is still hurting.

Good luck on your journey.

Shayztar

I also have a tendency to file this under #1stworldproblems , but can't ignore the fact that many people to struggle with body image/distortions issues.

Absolutely. She needs help. Or a kick in the *kitten*. Her profile page seems very reasonable. Knowing she's healthy weight, but wants to tone up for her move to Turkey. Can't wait to be with her finace, etc. This post seems like a cry for attention. In fact, it all seems like a cry for attention.

wingsandgills

I have been in your shoes, OP. When I lived with my family, it was always tense, because I was so depressed and so easily provoked.

Right now, your thoughts are stuck in the negative. You see things as having already gone bad and having already failed. You DON'T have to think this way.

If you are able, I recommend getting set up with a counselor or talk therapist. I strongly recommend it because they are so good at hearing what you're saying and understanding why you're saying it. They can pick out the positives that you don't even hear in your own words and show them to you. It's like magic, but it's science. ;P

Other than that, you have to stop letting yourself get mired in negative thoughts. Before I had the ability to think positively, I had to do this. Say I'm having a negative thought... "I can't believe I did absolutely nothing today. I am seriously a failure at life. I am going to be fat and disgusting... WAIT. STOP. No negative thoughts. Think about something else. Uhhhh... sky. Cars? People walking. It's Monday. Uhhh... I like... baths. Baths are good."

Seriously, it felt like a joke. But it also seriously helped. In time I would stop negative thoughts before they became my inner dialogue. I could recognize a thought that was irrationally negative and designed to make me hurt. I still wanted to hurt and dislike myself, but I didn't let it happen. I told myself "I know I secretly love who I am inside. I want to be happy, which is why I'm disappointed right now. I want to be happy because I deserve it. I do not deserve to beat myself up and make myself sad. I deserve to be happy."

I hope this makes any sense at all... you deserve to be happy and like yourself. The first and most important thing is to start to become aware of your thoughts, what you're saying to yourself, and why you say those things. Even if you agree with the negative thoughts, stop them. Stop them by thinking about any random thing you can, but stop them. I hope that you find the happiness you're looking for, and consequently the healthy life that is your goal!