Time to give up?

zumbasalsera

Looking for MFP support/opinions on this one; I know nobody can know all about a situation except the two people in it, but here goes....

Long story short, I found out last year my husband had been cheating on me since day one, with multiple people in multiple ways (online, text, physical, etc.). Completely shattered my world folks. I wish it on no one. We have two small children though, and mostly for that reason alone (combined with the fact that affairs happen a lot, and sometimes they can actually be a crisis that brings couple to healing, even a stronger marriage) I did not throw in the towel immediately and we went through some marriage counseling. I continued to catch him in lies and deceptions for about 4-5 months into the counseling (not about new affairs, but in other ways), but it seemed like around October he really wanted to make a sincere change. I was also now well aware of how easily he lies and deceives though, so I was always on the defensive/suspicious.

Here we are nearly a year later since the discovery (April 22), and we are still not healed, though I did not expect a "quick fix". The thing that is bothering me today friends, is not just the lingering feeling of distrust and painful humiliation/hurt, but rather it is this: I had to move to the opposite coast for military reasons (mid-Feb), yet he has chosen to stay in CA due to work. Granted, I don't expect him to up and move from a great paying job without having SOMETHING lined up, but it seems to me he is really not motivated to look for work elsewhere (this is a major metropolitan area, I can't imagine he wouldn't be able to find something)...he says he wants to have worked at his current employer at least a year for resume reasons (that will be in July). I'll even give him that, but I think he is afraid of change and coming here and that it won't even be this summer that he'll come out here with us (I have the kids).

Now, here is the thing that irked me over the weekend that I need your advice on. He came out to visit for the Easter weekend, and in conversation about him ever moving out here, he again conveyed his fears....he's afraid that he'll move out here and in the end we won't work it all out anyway and get a divorce, and then he'll be mad for having "moved out here for nothing". I threw out the hypothetical statement of, let's say 2-3 years from now we do decide we can't work it out, and we do divorce...won't it still be worth it that you moved out here because you will be near your kids??? After a pause, he said, let's just say that I will be very mad, and I won't stay. WTH? So he'd move back to CA anyway? It's not like he has ANY family back there (they are spread out over the states). It is just the silicon valley calling his name (the mecca for his IT industry), and a few friends. He says I don't understand, because I'm not a man. I say a man of God would care to be involved in his childrens' lives as much as possible (while still taking care of his financial obligations of course, I mean I understand you do have to have A job, but why must it be "THE" job?). Not to mention, how are we really supposed to work on such a broken marriage when we don't even live together?

And to clarify in case anyone would ask, the reason that I do not move to CA instead of him move here is because I am under a military enlistment, so I cannot CHOOSE to be there (I tried my hardest to stay stationed there)...He however is a civilian and can therefore quit or start any job he qualifies for.

Any non-insulting advice/tips are so appreciated. I'm so torn, as I cannot see how God would wish divorce, but I feel that is what I need to do. I feel like if I've been trying so hard mostly for the sake of having my girls live in a home where mommy and daddy are together, what's the point if he's not even going to be here with us? Especially after he said he would leave town anyway if things didn't work out. I feel so bad for my little ones already...I know their daddy loves them but he is too work-driven (even when we lived together in CA he would work long hours, and in the evening he'd not give them too much time before he'd log into his computer again...and a gripe I brought up in counseling was that anytime I would ask him to let me go out for a few hours on a weekend or s/t he would say, "can't we get a babysitter?" WTF, they are your kids too!). I almost think I need to start saving up for their therapy already *sigh* Finally, I even had a dream last night that made me snap wide awake...in it, a close friend relayed to me that God is showing me that the path I need to take is for divorce. I'm struggling with reconciling that with His teachings. Advice, friends?

7funnygirl7

I'm no expert at this but...what is the point of "mommy & daddy" living together for the "girls" sakes if neither one of" you" is happy??? This will only be a negative reflect in these childrens lives to witness with their eyes and feel with their hearts the hopelessness of the relationship. Kids are not stupid...they know and feel just like we do...even better If you don't feel it in your heart and know it in your head, then, in my own opinion....wipe the slate clean and start over. I know that sounds easy for me to say but why live in uncertainty? I think a person should be 100% in body, mind, and soul. I know you will find the answer soon enough all by yourself!! ~ All the best for a healthy" you" and your children! :flowerforyou:

kimber0607

((HUGS)) been there and done that....wouldnt wish it on anyone
I know the pull to try and make it work to keep the family together and make kids happy
sad....very sad situation

lambertj

>Long story short, I found out last year my husband had been cheating on me since day one

My heart breaks for you, what a horrible thing to go through. That being said, if he's been cheating from day one, your entire relationship is a farce and it's time to call it quits. You beautiful babies will be just fine and they will never tolerate a man who treats them like that because their mommy showed them not to. So sorry

TimWilkinson101

I dont know all your situation or you and certainly not your "husband". However, I do know that I used to be God fearing (ex Jehovah's Witness and they dont get more God Fearing than that!) and I used to be married with 2 children, but when I found my wife was sleeping with someone behind my back (and indeed telling her mates about it), that was that for me. I beleive in "till death us do part" and my marriage vows were for life, but even the Bible says that adultery is grounds for calling it quits...actually I think it mentions grabbing some rocks, but we've moved on since then.

It was very upsetting leaving my kids.. I can still vividly remember the last time I saw them asleep in their beds in what until then had been my house. I also lost £250,000 as I'd paid for our house and it was decided that my wife needed it for the kids. It was not easy at all and I actually tried to kill myself (as my ex told me years later she was trying to pile on the pressure so that I would snap and she'd get everything). I remember my first night in the run down house I moved to and getting bitten by fleas and crying myself to sleep.

However, that was 12 years ago. Now my kids are almost grown up and both have turned out alright (well according to Facebook they have), with my eldest being top of her year. My life has taken me to places I would never have gone with my ex and I have been much happier for the divorce and I think it was better for my children too as the atmosphere in the last days was not good. I am glad I made that difficult move and applied for a divorce and I'm glad I got through it and I'm glad I am where I am now.

So, I would suggest that you tell your husband that he has to choose you and the children or California. If he chooses CA, then I would divorce him and rebuild your life with someone who will love you and not cheat on you. In your shoes, my thoughts would be that he doesnt want to move as he is having another affair. I'd also question the amount of time he spent on his computer at home and what exactly he was doing on it. But then, once someone betrays my trust they would have to go out of their way to ever get me to trust them again.

I think you've gone more than that extra mile and if there is a God (and I hope there is more to life than "this") then I seriously doubt they want you and your kids suffering as much as you obviously are.

Short version: To be honest I'd have left the loser the first time he'd cheated on me, but that is me. I skipped some of the Bible's bits on forgiveness I think

Tiff587

>Long story short, I found out last year my husband had been cheating on me since day one

My heart breaks for you, what a horrible thing to go through. That being said, if he's been cheating from day one, your entire relationship is a farce and it's time to call it quits. You beautiful babies will be just fine and they will never tolerate a man who treats them like that because their mommy showed them not to. So sorry

Agree

I'm so sorry for what your going through, I would be devastated.
I am not very religious, but I really don't think god would want you to stay in an unhappy marriage, and adultery is a sin.

I come from a family of divorce my mum was married before my dad. My brother was from my mum's first marriage, he is my best friend in the world, and says he had the best childhood. Two happy parents are better! My dad and brother are very close and I loved my brothers dad two. I really doesn't have to be a terrible thing.

I think you have to do what's best for you and your happiness, you only get one life.

:flowerforyou:

Siannah

That being said, if he's been cheating from day one, your entire relationship is a farce and it's time to call it quits. You beautiful babies will be just fine and they will never tolerate a man who treats them like that because their mommy showed them not to. So sorry

And I agree with this as well. You've tried and tried and by the sounds of it, he couldn't care less. Time to move on and be in control - rather than waiting for him to make the call.
You'll be fine and so will your girls. xx

weighlossforbaby

You shouldn't live together if you are both not happy in the marriage and it looks like he is making excuses not to move so he can be with you. Adultry is a good reason for a divorce cause it is a sin. It seems like he doesn't want to change his ways to be a better husband. I am sorry.