So Ashamed. Binge.

reneegee23

Keep a food diary (you're on MFP, so that's a start). I wish I had started much earlier. It's helpful simply to see and correct your eating patterns. Make it public and be honest. Don't do a low carb diet, it's completely unhelpful and may worse your desire to binge.

Identify your triggers (boredom, stress, etc.) and try to do something else. I work or stay busy on the weekends if I feel like eating thoughtlessly. Also, please DO NOT purge anymore. Please. When you stop yourself from purging, you become accountable for what you are eating and you stop or slow down the cycle. You won't gain 5 millions pounds, but you will gain some perspective on the bigger picture.

For now, I would recommend you not keep any large amounts of foods you view as treats in the house. If you want chocolate, buy one bar (which is usually a couple servings anyway.) and plan for it. Stay consistent in your eating habits. That's a bit of a ramble, but I hope it may help you. Keep seeing your therapist.

kdeaux1959

You mentioned several things in this post that are red flags to me...

1. You have a historyof anorexia
2. You have not only been binging but also purging which suggests that perhaps you may have crossed over into a bulimic state.
3. You have a great deal of self criticism concerning this and seem to be alarmed by it.
4. You mentioned that your current psychologist does not seem to be helping in this situation.

Try not to beat yourself up about having an eating disorder. This is not a simple just drop the sugars and it all goes away. Some of the advice here that I have read through seems sound such as eliminating a lot of these from your household so that it is not available. It seems to me that you are on the right track talking to your therapist about it but it does not seem to be working (at least yet). I am concerned that you may have crossed over into a crisis situation that may require a great deal more personal evaluation and attention than can be given on this board by many of us who do not know the ins and outs of what you are going through (BTW, I am not a therapist or a psychologist... I do have a history of working in MR with some dual diagnosis individuals but am at a bit of a loss about this situation since I have not dealt directly with eating disorders, per se... I have had to deal with crisis situations of my own before though (hypomanic state a few years back) and know that sometimes you just have to have some help to get through some things... My advice is do what it takes to get to those who are knowledgeable enough to help you out of this Hell you are going through right now... You are NOT weak and you are NOT defective... you are dealing with something here that just seems a bit beyond you and it would be in your best interest to get whatever help you need to get through it in the safest and quickest matter. I would get back with your therapist and really try to drive home the seriousness of what you are going through here. Whatever you do though... Don't give up... You are well worth fighting for... You are a person of value and the fact that you are fighting this thing speaks volumes about your character and perseverance!. Best wishes!

graelwyn

That is when I binge too! I take 250 mg of trazidone and once I start getting sleepy its like all by will power is gone! It sucks!

and going to bed once I get sleepy is so hard as I am usually doing things on here, and it is about the only time I feel truly relaxed, during the day.

I wasn't sure about sharing this with you on here because I'm so ashamed of it, but I had bulimia in 2005 and it is hell to live like that...I hope you put a stop to it right away! I got down to 105 lbs. and it took over my life for a long time, it was one of the hardest things I've dealt with in my life and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Someone mentioned that you get a different psychologist...I think that would be a good idea.

Take care,
ang

I do think I need to see someone who specialises in this area at this time. The lady I am seeing was meant to deal with various issues including probable Aspergers and PTSD, rather than eating issues per se. Anyway, I am starting to feel stupid and whiny for even talking about it anymore. Thankyou for the responses. I am taking them on board. And apologies if I have bothered, annoyed or upset anyone with my post.

quara

But that makes me feel weak, that other people can have all manner of foods around, and just have one, and I end up eating the lot. It makes me feel like a total failure with a weak will and I hate that.

Not everyone can have all manner of food lying around and not over eat! If I have something tasty in the house, I can be good for a day or a week or a month but eventually, there will be one night where everything goes down the hatch. Not having it around simply takes away that possibility. And when I'm ripping the house apart for some chocolate, I can always go out and buy a reasonable amount. But I just can't have it around for an extended period of time. There'll be one night where I've had a couple drinks, or a bad day, and boom!

And the plus side is that half the time that I do crave chocolate, it's not strong enough to get me out of the house and to the store, but I know that if I had it in the house, it'd be gone!

kdeaux1959

I do think I need to see someone who specialises in this area at this time. The lady I am seeing was meant to deal with various issues including probable Aspergers and PTSD, rather than eating issues per se. Anyway, I am starting to feel stupid and whiny for even talking about it anymore. Thankyou for the responses. I am taking them on board. And apologies if I have bothered, annoyed or upset anyone with my post.

Please don't feel apologetic about discussing this. I am SO glad that you did. Really. Understand this, sometimes when you have problems the best thing you can do is get them out in the open and discuss them.. The advice is great but sometimes just venting can be most therapeutic. (I used to keep a log that I would write my thoughts down on when I dealt with another issue... wish I could remember the password I used for it because it is not one of my normal passwords... I'd like to read through it again sometimes but that is another story)... You actually are making some great eating choices..> I see where you are a pescatarian... Removal of red meats from you diet is a great choice... I have actually moved quite a bit more that direction myself of late... Not totally pescatarian nor do I totally eliminate red meats... But I have moved away from a lot of the red meat consumption that I used to use. Keep your chin up..> Thanks for posting! Really... You don't know who you may have helped by doing so. I agree, I'd definitely see somebody with a background in eating disorders! You are a person of value... Take care of yourself!

Natihilator

But that makes me feel weak, that other people can have all manner of foods around, and just have one, and I end up eating the lot. It makes me feel like a total failure with a weak will and I hate that.

"Willpower is overrated".

Don't expect that you can resist the urge to binge on a recognized trigger food just because other people can. For me, some of my trigger/binge foods (flour tortillas with melted cheese, I could easily binge on 3 or more in a sitting) I can still have around without being tempted by them. Other foods, usually sweets (gummy candy does it every time) I still can't buy and have in the house at all without bingeing on the same day that I buy it. So I buy very small amounts of it, every 3 months. You might have to work up your willpower, but until then, don't try to hike Mt Everest if you're a novice hiker, ya know? I know someone who is 2 years post losing a large amount of weight, and is just beginning to have a jar of peanut butter in the fridge without devouring the entire jar in a sitting. I, on the otherhand, could live in a house made of peanut butter jars, and it would not tempt me to do that. Almost everyone has their thing, believe me.

You're not a failure, you just have an issue that you have yet to find the root of, and deal with it. Chocolate is not the problem, YOU are not the problem, whatever is leading you to feel powerless against it is the problem. But don't set yourself up for feeling like a failure by having your kryptonite readily available in large amounts, it's counterproductive.

econut2000

Don't be so hard on yourself!! That leads to more bingeing!!!

As someone who is a life long insomniac and who for the last 2 years has pretty much slept in only 2 -4 hour shifts, I can tell you that sleeping pills and being sleepy ARE the culprit for me. I tried to go on the same pill you're on and it caused me to sleep endlessly (28 out of 36 hours!!) and when I did wake up I craved junk food for days!!!!! Fast food, chips, mac & cheese, ice cream....you name it and I ate it for 2 days straight! I tried to take the pill a couple days later just to see if it was because it had been so long since I slept and I had the same problem....slept for a couple days and then ate junk for 2 days more.

You need to re-evaluate your use of sleeping pills - they really can do more harm than good - and try to get a good natural sleep. I know it's not easy. Like I said I've slept in 2-4 hour shifts for the last couple years. I wish I could give advice on how to get to sleep naturally but it's not working for me. lol. BUT in the meantime, just get rid of the chocolate! You aren't doing yourself any favors having it in the house if it's going to torture you this much. Just buy yourself one piece a day or whatever you would normally eat. Sure, it's more expensive than buying in bulk but it's still cheaper than eating lbs of candy in a day!

Good luck :flowerforyou:

Edit: you want to talk embarassing.....I haven't done it in a long time but when I couldn't sleep I would drive to Taco Bell at 1a!!!! We all do it - you've just been brave enough to admit it!!

graelwyn

Thanks again for the responses. All taken on board and now going to sleep on it. Your support and kindness are appreciated at a time i feel very alone.

emmiee921

Firstly if your only wanting to eat a small portion of chocolate then don't purchase huge amounts.

don't have any in the cupboard , if you really are craving then by a chocolate bar, not a block,
or buy the small individual serving size bars.
or even low calorie hot chocolate, that does hit the spot for me

meshashesha2012

i cant even allow certain things in my house because i KNOW i will eat them and will be tempted to run out and get more when those are done.

another thing i do is to make sure i have things in the house that i can get binge crazy on without it being an issue. i keep things like cherry tomatoes, blueberries, blackberries, baby carrots, sliced strawberries, and raw sliced fennel (it's pretty good if you like licorice) in my fridge at the ready. what i do is immediately rinse and prep them, but them in old plastic take out containers and stick them in the fridge.

finally, if possible do something else when you feel like binging. go for a walk, call a friend, dance around the living room

and dont be so hard on yourself about it. this is a work in progress and it's more than likely a problem that developped over the course of years and will take years to fix. just be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time. if you slip up then pick yourself up and try not to repeat tomorrow

CynthiasChoice

While you are taking this particular sleeping pill, you need to give yourself a break, and not demand more of yourself than you're capable of while on this pill. If you want a little chocolate every day, buy a very small amount every day. Please don't feel like you're weak, or a failure! You're brain chemistry just seems to be a bit compromised at this time, probably because of the meds.

I've gotten a lot of help from reading "The Amen Solution" by Dr. Daniel Amen. No it's not religious, just his name. He's done a lot of research using brain scans and has some great suggestions for people like you (and me) who are sometimes bewildered by our lack of self control.

kibby12

It really sounds to me like your problems are much larger than what can be handled on a website.

This is a problem you REALLY need to be speaking to a trained professional about, especially because you have past issues with food.

R_is_for_Rachel

Most of us here have food issues and can't keep our binge food in the house, the ones who can are certainly in the minority!
Chocolate is usually the food I crave most, but I've managed to diminish this in the last few years by stopping eating milk chocolate and eating mostly dark chocolate, because the milk stuff is full of sugar and That's the cause for the binging. So try buying some dark chocolate like Green and Blacks (i would recommend the flavored ones like Maya gold as there not bitter). I promise its really hard to binge on dark chocolate, but you still will get your chocolate hit!

Leiki

If you can't control yourself, try less satisfying snacks, or smaller quantities.

Instead of buying a bag of chocolates, why not buy unsweetened Nestle Cocoa Powder? You have to watch yourself put the sweetener in, so you are less likely to go overboard. If you want solid chocolate, try very dark chocolate. I find that when I'm on my time of month, one square of 85% cacao Extra Dark is enough. I only keep one bar in my house, and I only allow myself one square at a time. It's about 65 calories a square, so I don't feel too bad when I eat it. Also, there are chocolate flavored Calcium tablets. They have sugar in it, so it's not as healthy for you as a normal pill, but I see it as an end of the day treat to satisfy my chocolate/ sweets craving.

PoleBoy

Marks & Spencer sell a nice pack of eight individually wrapped ten gram bars of dark chocolate.

I've found that my binges are usually preceded by a couple of days of sharp weight loss (2-3 lb over 3-4 days) - so I think there may be a salt issue, but I've not looked to closely into it.

It might be worth changing your routine - get into bed before you take your tamazepam, and read a magazine until you get sleepy - or something else that makes it "difficult" to get to the chocolate

graelwyn

Thankyou again for the great advice.
I shall try the dark chocolate option, and get the small bars of it they do in Holland and Barrett perhaps, or buy one of the new individual diet snack packs Marks and Spencers seem to be doing now.
I will not take my sleeping pill until I am off my laptop and going to bed, as I think that is taking away what little remains of my self control at the end of the day, and shall hope these will help. I might also incorporate 1 day a week where I allow myself a meal out, or something slightly less healthy as I am pretty rigid when it comes to my meals and always eating at home for months on end.

hatchii

I think the culprit could be your weight loss ... if that makes sense.
In saying that, I mean the pressure you're putting on yourself every day to constantly be in a "restrictive" state of mind with regards to food. I've just realized that I'm at that place now -- so I can't offer exact advice on how to get out of it. Acknowledgement is a great first step though!
I think that instead of worrying about numbers -- try really, really, REALLY hard to listen to your body. I know that in the middle of a "binge urge" it's incredibly hard to do that, but your body will tell you what it really wants. Do you want ALL the chocolate now, or maybe a little now and then incorporating more into tomorrow --without having to deal with the post-binge guilt?
I know that since I've started a food diary, my brain is almost ALWAYS obsessed with it. Mentally counting calories, how many calories do I have left to eat, what can I eat to make sure I eat ENOUGH, etc etc etc. .. when i'm sure if I stopped and listened to my body, it would tell me what's up, and I wouldn't feel like binging anymore. "Binge" is a negative expression that comes with weightloss, I think, and (for me) it is me rebelling against the restrictive thoughts and getting some sort of "control" back.

Happiness is a long and difficult journey, but you will find it