Is food your enemy ???

baby_doll33

Hi all,
So I have just started this journey of mine to better health. I have always been a little bigger in my life. here is a little of my back ground. I grew up with a mother who constantly called me fat, made me feel bad about myself and of coarse hearing that all my life i started to believe it. I was always told dress nice do you hair and make up if you dont look good and loose weight you will never find a man. so for a long time i believed her. there were days that i didnt eat or would eat little bits because i was trying to loose weight. i was never taught how to eat proper, that exercise is a good thing. i was yelled at tell me that i HAVE to do this and HAVE to do that. well come on as a teenager being told what to do all your life and being told that your fat and to look good NOT doing it was my way of being a reble. i didnt have a normal child hood. i was forced to grow up way to fast. So i would go days with only eating little bits then i would get tressed then i would eat and eat and eat.
I thought i would never find someone who would love me because of my looks, but 7 years ago i met someone and we have been married 2 1/2 years now and we have 2 beautiful little girls 3 1/2 and 1 1/2.. You would think i should be happy, but i still can here my mothers voice in my head telling me im fat and if i eat say chocolate or have a snack or well anything i can hear her voice in my head telling me im a fat pig and i shouldnt be eating that cause my hubby could leave me for someone skinnier and i just dont feel pretty. I have gained a lot of weight with having my 2 girls. i also had to have 2 c-sections with them so i have a eally ugly tummy from that too.
i hate food period. it is my enemy cause i feel like when i eat im being a fat discusting pig. and i dont want to think like that but it is so hard. and i have 2 little girls and i dont want my thinking to rub off on them. i want them to live healthy and wonderful lives. and dont want then to live with insecurities like i do. I have a real proble with eating and you owuld not know it by looking at me. i have about 100 pounds i need to loose. but i hate food. i mean i make my girls 3 meals a day with their snacks in between so i feed my kids and they eat well, i have lots of healthy food in my house, but to convince myself to eat is so hard. i will have a little bit here a little bit there, but by the time supper comes around im so hungry that i just binge eat and then i feel like a pig again.
Am i alone in feeling like this or are there others like me that food is your ememy too ?