"never good enough"

Barbara98

I went though alot growing up. Stuff I choose not to discuss online. One thing I do know especially as i got older,. I have learned that you can not change the past, but what you can do is change whats going on in your life today and live for YOU. It took me awhile to learn that. I am 46 years old and i want to say when i turned 32 everything that happened in my young life all came flooding back. At that time I went though depression, I went though a divorce and moved out of state with two young children. Although looking back it was sorta crazy. With that said i would of never met the love of my life. When i turned 40 I took control of my life. I didn't let anyone control my life or treat me like I was not worth anything or make me feel like i was a punching bag. Those days were over!! I don't put myself in a position of being a door mat and let people walk all over me. I have discovered in life that its to short and life is a precious commodity. When i was 19 my dad passed at the same age that i am now (46). Now with me being that age i live life like there's no tomorrow. Unfortunately life has no promises. So you need to pick yourself up and move on. Don't put yourself in the company of people who will put you down and when they do let them know its not tolerated and where you stand. I have found that was the only way I could move forward in my life and be truly happy.

mes1119

I want so bad to feel that way but I see no meaning for life.

trixirn

When I was a little girl, another little girl didn't like me and used to bully me until my grandmother, who was one tough woman, taught me to say three words which were "Go *kitten* yourself".

Kristin_1979

I find myself CONSTANTLY replaying things that have been said to me while growing up (my Father being one of the LOUDEST and most emotionally abusive) I remember working so hard as a kid to get thin, get thin, get thin! I finally got REALLY thin as I grew to 6ft tall and matured into a young woman. (I wasn't even fat just a little pudgy as a little girl growing into maturity but kids at school were just SO brutal on me) I have gone up and down over the years but now I am heavier than I have ever been and the emotional abuse I feel internally... I realize I am doing it to myself. Wondering what are people thinking or saying about me like "wow she has really gotten heavy, she used to be so thin." and " wow she used to be like a model, so pretty, now look at her" Stuff like that... Just terrible thoughts.

I just got married this past Saturday and although I intended on hitting the gym hardcore like I had always done in my past and been successful, I just didn't do it (so I have no one to blame but myself) but when I saw what I looked like in my dress and what the photos looked like... That VERY night I woke to the sound of myself sobbing... My dreams that night were just swamped in nightmarish recollections of what I saw when looking at myself in the wedding photos and I have been just a crushed and SO self conscious mess ever since. My husband woke to the sound of my crying, he had no idea what was wrong and just held me. I too have come to terms with the FACT that no matter how old you get, trauma of any kind will always be apart of me/you. True! As we age we grow to handle things better but I would be lying if I said I have any kind of grip (right now) on how badly I feel about myself.

There is SO MUCH pressure and stigma on women to look flawless, be over educated and have it all and it IS impossible! Right now I'm pretty low but not giving up and looking forward to kicking some *kitten* and getting my figure back, I feel like my body has been hijacked, like I'm trapped and uncomfortable in my own flesh. My clothes don't fit comfortably and when I TRY to dress nicely and look nice I just feel fat and ugly. I hate this! You are DEFINITELY NOT ALONE! I think we both need to learn the tools to recognize that WE are our harshest critics and that only YOU or I can change the things within our control. You can do this and so can I! *Hugs*

jenj1313

I'm with ya... I felt the same way growing up. It took me until I was about 34 to come to terms with my dad and learn to love him anyway, because he really was doing the best he could. I don't know your parents and won't defend them to you, but one thing I learned when I finally did start to get my confidence and relationship to my upbringing straight was that my parents did compliment and support me at times, but I could only hear the negative. Not sure if that's the case with you, but if it is, THAT is something you can change. You can't change your parents so you either have to learn to love them and live with who they are, or walk away.

Since you say you are in college and your pick looks like you're in dorm room (maybe??), I'm guessing you're pretty young. You haven't built your own identity yet and it sounds like your parents would prefer that you allow them to do it for you. If your parents are successful, driven people, it's probably only natural for them to want to manage your life for you. It doesn't make it right, but for me sometimes it helps to know where they're coming from.

I had awesome experiences in counseling... sorry you didn't. My counselors (1 marriage, 1 individual) never suggested meds, but I did ask my primary care provider about them. I was going through a divorce at the time and stressed out of my head so badly that I was getting physical symptoms (numbness and tingling in all 4 limbs). She put me on something mild that I've been able to go on and off as needed. I appreciate that because I don't want to turn into a basket case if I miss a pill. Not trying to sell you on meds at all... you've gotta do what's right for you... but if you're going to major in psych, you should know that some people do have good experiences and that these topics can be approached in a logical, patient-centered manner.

One of the things that my counselor did early one was have me sit and draw out a family diagram... kind of a family tree I guess. As I looked at it and tried to tell her my family's story in a matter-of-fact way so she could put it down on paper, I realized how F'd up my parents' childhoods had been. But they never complained about their parents or blamed them for anything. Generational difference, I think, and I don't feel bad about it, but it just made me stop and think. I really, really disliked my parents for a long time. Now, I chose to believe that they were doing the best that they could. They didn't have the parenting resources that are available today (no internet when I was a kid either) and they didn't come from such a great place either.

I struggled in college b/c I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I based my original major on what I thought my parents wanted me to do. That didn't work out so well. Once I figured out what I wanted to do (which took a while), I never looked back.

With all that said... I'm just one story. You may find some pearls in there that apply to you, and you may not. I put it out there for what it is. I don't know enough about you to even hazard a guess at what the "right" thing for you to do is. I do hope that you continue to work to find YOUR way and identity, independent of your parents. Once you do that, maybe you can let them back in to share it with you.

All the best,
Jen

P.S. Based on your profile pic, I'm not sure where you'd lose "the last 15 lbs" from. You look awesome.

jenj1313

Thanks for the replies, stress from school and dealing with the stress is making me feel like I'm just not good at life. I wish so bad that I didn't have these feelings. It seems like everyone else is happy with themselves and I can't help but be jealous and wonder where they get this motivation and self confidence....

Please be aware that there's a bit of a cultural thing here... we are taught from a young age not to show weakness. There are MANY people that seem happy with themselves on the outside and they aren't. You don't need to feel glad for that, just don't use other people's apparent happiness to beat yourself up with!

JakinsandPeykins

I also had an eating disorder, I was an only child and all the responsibility to be perfect rested upon my shoulders. My parents divorced. My Step dad was a drug addict and took all the money we had. We moved 11 times. My mom became an alcoholic. My father was an alcoholic. When I was 19 I married and had a baby. That baby died at 3 weeks old. A year almost to the day my mother died. I felt like I all could control was food.
It's tough....it's real tough. Practice self discipline, but also self happiness. I don't know much about losing weight, but I know a lot about striving through self defeating attitude. I know a lot about wanting to be perfect.
Here's what I do : I was blessed with a baby girl in August 2010. She will be two this summer. My mother died when I was almost 22, so I have never gotten to ask her parenting advice or just plain old adult world advice. I used to need my mom to call around and find insurance quotes, make dental/medical claims - what have you. I have gained the confidence to do this on my own. But the really challenging matters are dealing with the inside. But it is so much easier to tell someone else than to tell yourself. So...whenever I am having a problem, whatever it may be...I imagine my daughter coming and asking my advice on the situation. See....I love my daughter more than life. I love her more than myself , to most extents. And if she came to me and told me she didn't feel good enough, pretty enough, loved enough, smart enough, skinny enough.....well my god all the things I would tell her! I would tell her she can be whatever she wants to be! If she wants to be fit and healthy she surely can. If she wants to be smart, well, she was born smart she just has to apply it. I would tell her that the only thing that matters is what she thinks of her self. That is something I believe to be totally true. I f people don't like you, it has NOTHING to do with "you", it has everything to do with them. Most of the time, people dislike character traits in others that they themselves have.

I want the world for my daughter, and I am her biggest cheerleader. but I am my biggest cheerleader, too. It's just easier to tell someones else than to tell yourself.

And do like Trixrn's grandmother said, tell the rest of em to go **** themselves. There's nothing more beautiful than a vibrant, confident, super smart go-getter like yourself. Don't let one bad day get you down. Go get em again tomorrow!

Anayalata

I want so bad to feel that way but I see no meaning for life.

I often find myself wondering why I'm even bothering to put forth all this effort into "getting healthy" and so forth. Most of the time I can't come up with an answer. 60 pounds later, still the same. I can place all the blame I want on my mother for constantly saying hurtful things about my weight, or my "friends" in middle school and high school who would always use me as the go-to guy for weight-related jokes, but instead I recognize that it's my own fault for being weak-willed/minded/spirited, so to speak.

Even if I get to a point where I look like a damn Abercrombie model, I'll probably still be unsatisfied with myself. That's an internal battle of self-acceptance that I think many people never even try to fight. I hope that we both win someday.

JakinsandPeykins

I want so bad to feel that way but I see no meaning for life.

You can't be serious? You're beautiful! And smart!

JakinsandPeykins

Also....I thrived on pleasing my parents, and was shamed when I did not. but trust me....it is not about them. It is about YOU. You are the operator of your own destiny. Make YOU happy. If YOU are happy, truly happy, they will be happy also. Anyone that concerned over their parents approval MUST be an overachiever like me and I assure you you are and will always make them proud.

COOKINATOR

I was just wondering if I'm the only person in the MFP community that never feels good enough. Yes, I know I have some mental issues and most of it stem from my parents and my upbringing. It would just be nice to know that I'm not the only one...

When I was growing up, as a bright student and competitive swimmer, it was always "you should lose 10 pounds and you'd be faster" or "you should have don't better on that test". I developed an eating disorder because of this and lost 30 pounds in 2 months off of my already tiny athletic body frame. My parents gave me this idea that no matter what, I could have always done better. Still, after 8 years, I still struggle with these ideas.

I still feel like I'm too fat, or not smart enough, or don't work hard enough or too lazy. I wan't, more than anything, to be this person that everyone thinks I can be, but I honestly feel like I can't. I can't seem to pass the last semester of college, or lose the last 15 pounds. No matter what, I will always fail.

Anyways, I would appreciate no hating considering I do this enough to myself. i actually am a Psychology Major so I know quite a bit about therapy and have a very negative view on it due to bad experiences with both therapists and the medication they push on you. I would just kind of like some support, suggestions, friend requests from those that understand what I'm going through and how they have dealt with it :ohwell:

No your not the only one cause I am always feeling that way despite losing 102 lbs since Nov. 2010.....you are very beautiful and have done great dont let anyone tell you otherwise

Apazman

Its pretty funny, I know a lot of people who look FAN-FUNKING-TASTIC but still hate parts of themselves when others would give whatever apendage you want for a body like thiers. Its all relative I guess.... the Super -Fatties like myself, just want to be semi- normal looking, and the normal looking people want to be model looking, and the model looking people want something else... I think herione addicts call this "Chasing the Dragon"? Always chasing what isn't there and never TRULY appreciating what you have and be content with it in the moment, because lets be honest ... we all get old and wrinkley and end up worm food. So enjoy who and what your are, because lets face it .. men top out around 35-40 and women top out around 25-30.

premiumchilenita

I think you need to stand in front of the mirror and talk to yourself (don't think I'm crazy, it's a self esteem building exercise) Don't stand there and tell yourself how much you could lose or how awful you are, but tell yourself you look great, you are smart, you can finish things, make sure you look at yourself in the eyes.

Write them on a piece of paper and stick them to that mirror, look at it everyday and say it EVERYDAY. When people, especially those around you are constantly putting you down then at least you have someone in front of the mirror that is always cheering for you, and making you feel great.
We all have our faults and we all do things bad, BUT you do more AMAZINg things and you do more good things in your life, forget about the bad and focus on the good, trust me, there are more good than bad

Rayman79

I think most of us feel this way at some point - I know I have. For some people it is about certain aspect(s) of their life, and for others it is much more pervasive and becomes a feeling about the person in general rather than specific aspects of them.

My wife also suffers from this a lot, and needs constant reinforcement of her value. I understand that is her need, and take every opportunity to remind her how valuable she is to me, to her children and family, and in her professional life. I think for someone who constantly undervalues themselves, having someone to call on and be honest with is very valuable, particularly if you can rely on them to be honest and supportive.

I learned fairly early in life that I was going to be best served by a 'fake it til you make it' attitude. After years of bullying, parents messy divorce etc, I was a pretty unsure and vulnerable kid. I learned to put on the brave face and adopt a confident persona, even when I was feeling like a bowl of jello on the inside! This has served me well over the years, and now when I express some sort of insecurity it is usually met with surprise, people are genuinely fooled into thinking I am a confident and successful guy... the strange thing is that (to a certain extent) I actually am! I have a great wife and kids, good friends, a good job that pays well etc.

I am sure you are familiar with the concept of the self-fulfilling prophecy (which I thought was nothing more than a catchphrase before legitimately studying it in Psych. :blushing: ) well just keep telling yourself that you are valuable, successful, good-looking etc, I can tell you that there is some tangible value in it!

AndiJoy812

Oh, how I want to reach through here and give you a big hug!

Listen...I am almost 40 and I still live with the fear that I am going to do something to disappoint my Mom. Now, that being said, I have learned to deal with that fear in a rational way. Of course I do not want to disappoint her, but I am human, and I make choices that impact me...and I'm the one that has to live with the consequences of those choices, not her. It took me until my last 20's to figure that out, though.

From what I am reading, you are still fairly young. This is the time in your life when you should be figuring out what makes you happy, and then go for it! Try and change the way you are looking at yourself....really sit down and list all of the things that you are good at, are passionate about, and focus on that. Try and surround yourself with people that love you and lift you up, and limit or get rid of those relationships with people that are toxic. Be your own advocate! Don't let anyone speak to you with anything other than respect. Learn how to say NO. And try not to base your happiness or self worth on what someone else thinks! You only have control over one person, and that is you. You can't change other people, but you can change the way you feel about yourself, the way you react to situations, and how you develop your own self-worth. Don't depend on other people to do it for you...you know why? Because they are human, too....and depending on other people for your happiness never works. You have to figure that out for you.

And as far as your parents go...if you have already had that talk with them and nothing changed, it may just be the time to accept the fact that you can't change what/how they think. And then move on. What other choice do you have? Are you going to let that keep you from achieving your goals? Or is it an excuse that you are using to keep from trying? Sometimes it's not other's opinions of us that hold us back, but the fear of failure.

I wish you the best of luck, and I am sending you big hugs. Start believing in yourself! And start loving yourself and believing that you are worthy of good things.

ChasingSweatandTears

You never know. Other people probably think "She has it all together, I wish i was like her" Actually, thats the way it is most of the time. If we could only see ourselves through others eyes....

While I incredibly appreciate those that have commented on this thread and while my opinion of myself has not changed... this has probably more fact than everything else. people outside those that know me think I'm laid back, intelligent, in shape etc. but those close to me know what it really is like.

Thank you for this comment. I want so much to have this mentality all the time. I wish I could think of (and actually believe) this when I'm stressed and depressed like right now.

I completely understand. I actually have had people HATE me and yes, actually hate, because they thought that I thought I was better than them! Ha! If they only knew! I've always been the girl people thought had it all together, and felt like I was holding onto a deep dark secret of all of my million flaws, along with a neverending quest for perfectionism. That is what led to my weight gain, the loss of my job due to again being bullied, and a complete destruction of my already weak self esteem... only a few months ago. I had to quit my job to get away from these haters so that I would have the energy to gain some confidence back and finally start taking care of myself again. Drastic yes, but so far effective as I feel now more in control and care less what others think of me. I am only comparing myself to my OWN set of standards now, to be the best version of me I can be, whatever that means, but in THIS given moment I AM good enough for ME. I can feel that way and still want to improve, because I see improvement as a life long journey. It's hard when people have no idea who you really are but you can't let their limited perceptions define you or bring you down. I have very few friends, not because I'm not a nice outgoing friendly person, but because people dont want to get to know me. they think I have it all together and then that makes them feel bad about themselves. It's funny how people are. It's sad because I have a lot to offer, but I now am working on becoming my own best friend, and hey if people are dgoing to judge me, I might as well give them legitimate ammo ... a rockin body Hang in there hun, you are good enough. Look at self improvement as a JOURNEY not a destination, not a number, not a goal. It's about perspective. Sounds like your family needs some of that.

ChasingSweatandTears

Its pretty funny, I know a lot of people who look FAN-FUNKING-TASTIC but still hate parts of themselves when others would give whatever apendage you want for a body like thiers. Its all relative I guess.... the Super -Fatties like myself, just want to be semi- normal looking, and the normal looking people want to be model looking, and the model looking people want something else... I think herione addicts call this "Chasing the Dragon"? Always chasing what isn't there and never TRULY appreciating what you have and be content with it in the moment, because lets be honest ... we all get old and wrinkley and end up worm food. So enjoy who and what your are, because lets face it .. men top out around 35-40 and women top out around 25-30.

Damn. I'm 35. I thought I was actually going to "top out" at 65. :huh: