"never good enough"

pat6250

Oh, honey, do I know how it is to feel like your best effort is not good enough, even though you have great grades, certificates, accolades. You still feel like a fraud, and you are always trying harder, but the one person you can't convince is yourself. I, too, sought therapy, but the therapist was a jerk, and I left feeling like I had wasted his time. Years later, a friend was court ordered to go to ACOA, and she asked me to go with. I did, because with my background, I thought it might be good. Well, she quit, I stayed, and it was a revelation. I worked a 12 step program for over a year, and I found my people there. I learned to forgive everyone, especially myself. I learned that I WAS good enough, and I learned to stop judging myself harshly, and to be my own loving parent (i.e. giving myself affirmations).So, maybe those aren't your issues, but whatever they are, keep searching. Someday, your path will be revealed to you. You will get an opportunity to work it out. Might take a while, might not be easy, but it will be SO worth it. Meanwhile, decide what would be good for you, and your health, and provide it. If you need rest, get it. Take care of yourself first for once. Lose weight for you, because you want to, not to satisfy your critics. (Tell them to stuff it). Every time you do something good, notice, and tell yourself. Make a list each night of all the great things you noticed about yourself that day. Pull the lists out when you need a boost. Sounds corny, but it will help. Let your self talk be all positive. Even when you notice something that needs to be changed, put it in positive, gentle terms. If you are to be a force for good in this world, you need to love yourself, and believe in yourself. Start that journey right now. You deserve respect and love. No one will give it to you if you don't give it to yourself.:flowerforyou: :bigsmile: :happy:

LaMujerMasBonitaDelMundo

You never know. Other people probably think "She has it all together, I wish i was like her" Actually, thats the way it is most of the time. If we could only see ourselves through others eyes....

While I incredibly appreciate those that have commented on this thread and while my opinion of myself has not changed... this has probably more fact than everything else. people outside those that know me think I'm laid back, intelligent, in shape etc. but those close to me know what it really is like.

Thank you for this comment. I want so much to have this mentality all the time. I wish I could think of (and actually believe) this when I'm stressed and depressed like right now.

Maybe you can start by writing that phrase in some pieces of paper & then keep it in your wallet, drawer, book or just about anywhere wherein you can have an easy access to it so to have a reminder whenever you feel down. (I hope you understand what I'm saying. Sorry my English is very poor)

missnvy

Alot of times your family are the worst cheerleaders EVER!!! No matter what you do, they seem to know exactly how to dissect ur accomplishments or your goals and tell u it's not enough. If you work, you dont work hard enough. If you have a boyfriend, he isnt good enough. If you graduate w a bachelor's, you should've already had your master's....at some point, you will be fed up and realize that life isn't about how others ant you to live it, but what u gain from living your own life.

kuunsilta

Yeah, I am also really hard on myself. It always seems that I'm not smart enough, pretty enough, or good enough at a lot of things or that I'm too lazy, self centered and blah blah blah. I don't blame it on my Mom though, because she has always been one of my biggest supporters in everything and always told me, "As long as you try your best, that's good for me."
I don't really know where all this has come from - maybe from my stepdad who has always had a dirt low opinion of me - but I never really gave a s*** about pleasing his expectations or anything.

Anyway, I know it's a problem I have to get over, but you're not by yourself, that's for sure.

LaMujerMasBonitaDelMundo

Alot of times your family are the worst cheerleaders EVER!!! No matter what you do, they seem to know exactly how to dissect ur accomplishments or your goals and tell u it's not enough. If you work, you dont work hard enough. If you have a boyfriend, he isnt good enough. If you graduate w a bachelor's, you should've already had your master's....at some point, you will be fed up and realize that life isn't about how others ant you to live it, but what u gain from living your own life.

THIS 10000%... Although I won't let them dictate who should be my boyfriend. I don't care if he only finished a vocational course, has less money or anything. If they don't like it then sorry to say but I think its time for me to go.

kibby12

I grew up feeling much the same as you. My parents were constantly hounding me to get better grades & be better at things.

My father came home with sweatpants for me one day & told me that from now on I'd be jogging with him because I was fat. I, by the way, have never been hugely overweight & I was also fourteen or fifteen at that time -- an age when your body is freaking out anyways.

The years I spent hating myself because I wasn't perfect enough for other people were some of the hardest I ever lived through. & now? Now I just don't give a ****. If someone doesn't like my haircut or body shape or grades or whatever else they can possibly think of, too bad for them.

I love me now. Haven't been this happy since I was a little kid. Every goal I set out to achieve is for MY benefit, not for anyone else's. At some point, you hit a wall & you either walk alongside it, trying for the rest of your life to find a way around it or you just knock the whole thing down & love yourself.

Maurice1966

I had an epiphany not so long ago in which I realised why i was not happy. I had similar treatment at the hands of my well meaning parents. Well meaning in that with there limited education coming from poor sicilian towns they thought the reverse psychology would act as a motivator. In hindsight it had the exact opposite effect.

They didn;t love me any less but didn;t know how to epxress it. I'm sure your parents love you enormously despite the negative comments. I certainly don;t have the closest relationship with my parents even now but it's important to let them know how you feel. They may not change, but they might.

One thing this thread has incovered is that you are not alone and don't have to be.

LadyRush

Find something that you like ROCK it! Learn it to death, practise it! Love it, adore it, and do it some more! You will build your confidence, have a great time and will feel great about yourself! You'll meet people you'll never imagine you'd meet, get yourself out there and you'll love it!

angbecks

[/quote]
"""I've sat down with them countless times, in therapy and in personal situations. Every time they act like I'm making it up. Like it never happened and that they are just supporting me or trying to get me to see my potential. I live with my boyfriend now but they still live only 5 minutes away and their opinion still matters. I wish it didn't but I can't seem to get out of my head that I'm never good enough. I don't necessarily think about pleasing them but considering I never could please my parents (who birthed me) when I was younger, how can I ever please anyone out of my family??""""
[/quote]

If their opinion still matters, then you've made the choice to give them that power. I am 36 years old and just in the past year have started making conscious efforts to put my own husband and children before my mother. I had not realized how much i was doing just to make her happy, and no matter what I did, it wasn't enough either. So i stopped trying, because she was not appreciating the efforts I was making anyway. It was a waste of my time and energy. Sure she cried a lot at first when i set up the new boundaries, but she has adjusted. It took several awkward conversations, but she knows I am not taking any more passive aggressive crap, and it is WORTH it. sometimes our image of what family should be is based more off movies and our dreams than reality. Family is supposed to be unconditional love, and sometimes it doesn't come from those we think ought to give it.

kdeaux1959

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. So often parents, with the best intentions, try to push their child to become the best they can be. As you can well tell, this can have catastrophic consequences... especially in certain personality types... Achiever models ... Aiming to please.. yet it is never enough. Try to relax.

So often we think our value lies in our accomplishments... To a certain degree, this may be true... However, our greatest value in life is simply being who we are. We are people of value simply because we are who we are... Because we love and are loved... If you can accept it.. You were of so much value that Christ died for you... Now, I don't intend to bring a great debate of religion into this conversation... I don't even know of your personal take on the question of Christianity... But trying to find the good that is in ourselves rather than always focusing on our shortcomings will always yield a far greater achievement that always focusing on what we did not achieve...

It is applaudable that you you are so willing and desiring to achieve... You will go far in life that way. However, as surely you have found out, by always focusing on not being quite good enough you have established a pattern of failure in your perspective despite your monumental achievements... This realization should really help you in the long run in your practice once you begin your work in Psychology.. There are many, who are like you who simply don't feel like they ever measure up... Instead of focusing on your short comings... begin to focus on your achievements... Maybe you did not make a 100 on that biology quiz.. But Hey you were still at the top of your class with that 95... It was outstanding... Looking at your profile pic... You have a great athletic build... Be proud of your achievement... I would that I were in that good of shape... But I refuse to be down on myself because by darned I'm doing something about it... I may still be class II obese... But I am no longer 344 where I started... i weighed in at 291.6 this morning and am still on the road... I have accomplished something.... Yeah, I should not have ever gotten where I was at (at 344) but I did and I can't change yesterday... I can change tomorrow though through hard work, dedication and a firm belief that I am able to achieve....

Perhaps this is all TMI... I implore you, however to look at yourself in the mirror and see what you HAVE accomplished... Maybe the cup is half empty... but you still have half of it left... And you know where the refrigerator is to refill the cup if need be. You ARE a person of value and you can achieve a lot... And if by somebody elses standards you fall a little short.. so be it... Live for yourself and according to the standards that YOU set for yourself.. standards that are attainable and reasonable.

Barbara98

I went though alot growing up. Stuff I choose not to discuss online. One thing I do know especially as i got older,. I have learned that you can not change the past, but what you can do is change whats going on in your life today and live for YOU. It took me awhile to learn that. I am 46 years old and i want to say when i turned 32 everything that happened in my young life all came flooding back. At that time I went though depression, I went though a divorce and moved out of state with two young children. Although looking back it was sorta crazy. With that said i would of never met the love of my life. When i turned 40 I took control of my life. I didn't let anyone control my life or treat me like I was not worth anything or make me feel like i was a punching bag. Those days were over!! I don't put myself in a position of being a door mat and let people walk all over me. I have discovered in life that its to short and life is a precious commodity. When i was 19 my dad passed at the same age that i am now (46). Now with me being that age i live life like there's no tomorrow. Unfortunately life has no promises. So you need to pick yourself up and move on. Don't put yourself in the company of people who will put you down and when they do let them know its not tolerated and where you stand. I have found that was the only way I could move forward in my life and be truly happy.

mes1119

I want so bad to feel that way but I see no meaning for life.

trixirn

When I was a little girl, another little girl didn't like me and used to bully me until my grandmother, who was one tough woman, taught me to say three words which were "Go *kitten* yourself".

Kristin_1979

I find myself CONSTANTLY replaying things that have been said to me while growing up (my Father being one of the LOUDEST and most emotionally abusive) I remember working so hard as a kid to get thin, get thin, get thin! I finally got REALLY thin as I grew to 6ft tall and matured into a young woman. (I wasn't even fat just a little pudgy as a little girl growing into maturity but kids at school were just SO brutal on me) I have gone up and down over the years but now I am heavier than I have ever been and the emotional abuse I feel internally... I realize I am doing it to myself. Wondering what are people thinking or saying about me like "wow she has really gotten heavy, she used to be so thin." and " wow she used to be like a model, so pretty, now look at her" Stuff like that... Just terrible thoughts.

I just got married this past Saturday and although I intended on hitting the gym hardcore like I had always done in my past and been successful, I just didn't do it (so I have no one to blame but myself) but when I saw what I looked like in my dress and what the photos looked like... That VERY night I woke to the sound of myself sobbing... My dreams that night were just swamped in nightmarish recollections of what I saw when looking at myself in the wedding photos and I have been just a crushed and SO self conscious mess ever since. My husband woke to the sound of my crying, he had no idea what was wrong and just held me. I too have come to terms with the FACT that no matter how old you get, trauma of any kind will always be apart of me/you. True! As we age we grow to handle things better but I would be lying if I said I have any kind of grip (right now) on how badly I feel about myself.

There is SO MUCH pressure and stigma on women to look flawless, be over educated and have it all and it IS impossible! Right now I'm pretty low but not giving up and looking forward to kicking some *kitten* and getting my figure back, I feel like my body has been hijacked, like I'm trapped and uncomfortable in my own flesh. My clothes don't fit comfortably and when I TRY to dress nicely and look nice I just feel fat and ugly. I hate this! You are DEFINITELY NOT ALONE! I think we both need to learn the tools to recognize that WE are our harshest critics and that only YOU or I can change the things within our control. You can do this and so can I! *Hugs*

jenj1313

I'm with ya... I felt the same way growing up. It took me until I was about 34 to come to terms with my dad and learn to love him anyway, because he really was doing the best he could. I don't know your parents and won't defend them to you, but one thing I learned when I finally did start to get my confidence and relationship to my upbringing straight was that my parents did compliment and support me at times, but I could only hear the negative. Not sure if that's the case with you, but if it is, THAT is something you can change. You can't change your parents so you either have to learn to love them and live with who they are, or walk away.

Since you say you are in college and your pick looks like you're in dorm room (maybe??), I'm guessing you're pretty young. You haven't built your own identity yet and it sounds like your parents would prefer that you allow them to do it for you. If your parents are successful, driven people, it's probably only natural for them to want to manage your life for you. It doesn't make it right, but for me sometimes it helps to know where they're coming from.

I had awesome experiences in counseling... sorry you didn't. My counselors (1 marriage, 1 individual) never suggested meds, but I did ask my primary care provider about them. I was going through a divorce at the time and stressed out of my head so badly that I was getting physical symptoms (numbness and tingling in all 4 limbs). She put me on something mild that I've been able to go on and off as needed. I appreciate that because I don't want to turn into a basket case if I miss a pill. Not trying to sell you on meds at all... you've gotta do what's right for you... but if you're going to major in psych, you should know that some people do have good experiences and that these topics can be approached in a logical, patient-centered manner.

One of the things that my counselor did early one was have me sit and draw out a family diagram... kind of a family tree I guess. As I looked at it and tried to tell her my family's story in a matter-of-fact way so she could put it down on paper, I realized how F'd up my parents' childhoods had been. But they never complained about their parents or blamed them for anything. Generational difference, I think, and I don't feel bad about it, but it just made me stop and think. I really, really disliked my parents for a long time. Now, I chose to believe that they were doing the best that they could. They didn't have the parenting resources that are available today (no internet when I was a kid either) and they didn't come from such a great place either.

I struggled in college b/c I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I based my original major on what I thought my parents wanted me to do. That didn't work out so well. Once I figured out what I wanted to do (which took a while), I never looked back.

With all that said... I'm just one story. You may find some pearls in there that apply to you, and you may not. I put it out there for what it is. I don't know enough about you to even hazard a guess at what the "right" thing for you to do is. I do hope that you continue to work to find YOUR way and identity, independent of your parents. Once you do that, maybe you can let them back in to share it with you.

All the best,
Jen

P.S. Based on your profile pic, I'm not sure where you'd lose "the last 15 lbs" from. You look awesome.

jenj1313

Thanks for the replies, stress from school and dealing with the stress is making me feel like I'm just not good at life. I wish so bad that I didn't have these feelings. It seems like everyone else is happy with themselves and I can't help but be jealous and wonder where they get this motivation and self confidence....

Please be aware that there's a bit of a cultural thing here... we are taught from a young age not to show weakness. There are MANY people that seem happy with themselves on the outside and they aren't. You don't need to feel glad for that, just don't use other people's apparent happiness to beat yourself up with!

JakinsandPeykins

I also had an eating disorder, I was an only child and all the responsibility to be perfect rested upon my shoulders. My parents divorced. My Step dad was a drug addict and took all the money we had. We moved 11 times. My mom became an alcoholic. My father was an alcoholic. When I was 19 I married and had a baby. That baby died at 3 weeks old. A year almost to the day my mother died. I felt like I all could control was food.
It's tough....it's real tough. Practice self discipline, but also self happiness. I don't know much about losing weight, but I know a lot about striving through self defeating attitude. I know a lot about wanting to be perfect.
Here's what I do : I was blessed with a baby girl in August 2010. She will be two this summer. My mother died when I was almost 22, so I have never gotten to ask her parenting advice or just plain old adult world advice. I used to need my mom to call around and find insurance quotes, make dental/medical claims - what have you. I have gained the confidence to do this on my own. But the really challenging matters are dealing with the inside. But it is so much easier to tell someone else than to tell yourself. So...whenever I am having a problem, whatever it may be...I imagine my daughter coming and asking my advice on the situation. See....I love my daughter more than life. I love her more than myself , to most extents. And if she came to me and told me she didn't feel good enough, pretty enough, loved enough, smart enough, skinny enough.....well my god all the things I would tell her! I would tell her she can be whatever she wants to be! If she wants to be fit and healthy she surely can. If she wants to be smart, well, she was born smart she just has to apply it. I would tell her that the only thing that matters is what she thinks of her self. That is something I believe to be totally true. I f people don't like you, it has NOTHING to do with "you", it has everything to do with them. Most of the time, people dislike character traits in others that they themselves have.

I want the world for my daughter, and I am her biggest cheerleader. but I am my biggest cheerleader, too. It's just easier to tell someones else than to tell yourself.

And do like Trixrn's grandmother said, tell the rest of em to go **** themselves. There's nothing more beautiful than a vibrant, confident, super smart go-getter like yourself. Don't let one bad day get you down. Go get em again tomorrow!

Anayalata

I want so bad to feel that way but I see no meaning for life.

I often find myself wondering why I'm even bothering to put forth all this effort into "getting healthy" and so forth. Most of the time I can't come up with an answer. 60 pounds later, still the same. I can place all the blame I want on my mother for constantly saying hurtful things about my weight, or my "friends" in middle school and high school who would always use me as the go-to guy for weight-related jokes, but instead I recognize that it's my own fault for being weak-willed/minded/spirited, so to speak.

Even if I get to a point where I look like a damn Abercrombie model, I'll probably still be unsatisfied with myself. That's an internal battle of self-acceptance that I think many people never even try to fight. I hope that we both win someday.

JakinsandPeykins

I want so bad to feel that way but I see no meaning for life.

You can't be serious? You're beautiful! And smart!

JakinsandPeykins

Also....I thrived on pleasing my parents, and was shamed when I did not. but trust me....it is not about them. It is about YOU. You are the operator of your own destiny. Make YOU happy. If YOU are happy, truly happy, they will be happy also. Anyone that concerned over their parents approval MUST be an overachiever like me and I assure you you are and will always make them proud.