My Story -- I'm tired of settling

yokurio

Well, this is a long story, and it’s filled with many different emotions resulting in me being alone and not willing to settle for simplicity. Where to start... hrmm... ok... my childhood.
My childhood was a bad one. I cannot say that I had it the worse, my mother made sure that I had a good upbringing. I never did without, the only thing she could not provide was a proper father figure. Every man in my life abused my mother either physically (my biological father) or mentally (my first stepdad). I grew up respecting women and believing that they deserved the same treatment as men because of how strong my mother was when these two men abused her. My mother was beaten by my father and as a kid I promised myself that I would put myself in a position to enable myself to protect her and any other woman in my life as to not be treated in that manner by any man that crossed my path. I wanted to make sure that I was the big kid on the block and that I could protect anyone that was smaller than me.
In high school I was a thin, very muscular, and an attractive dude (see the pics, lol). I have always been pretty smart and have had a likeable personality, or so I have been told. I was the football team captain, I wrestled, I was on the track team for one year but I felt they ran too much... hehe. I was never the cream of the crop when it came to sports, but I had heart and I was definitely the poster child for motivation and dedication. I never missed a practice, nor did I ever complain. Much of my high school career was filled with googlie eyed girls that enjoyed being my friends. I had a bunch of girlfriends and had a lot of fun. With that said, I never really found myself taking advantage of women. Well, I joined the Army immediately after high school because I did not want to be a burden on my mother. I was literally out of the house one month after I graduated high school and never looked back.
While in high school I was dating a girl named Colleen. I loved this girl and I put all my heart an soul into the relationship. I put her on a pedestal and thought that she was near perfect. In fact, she was my first. I married her and cherished her. She stayed with me through 8 years of the Army, 1 year of deployment to Iraq, an injury sustained in Iraq, my post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and 2 beautiful children. While all this seems like we had a strong relationship because we made it through this turmoil and even had some time where there wasn’t any fighting, the relationship was lost. Our relationship declined and we divorced almost a year following me being honorably discharged from the service. A simple question I asked, “do you think we’ll be together in 30 years from now?”, broke us apart. I could not stay with a person who thought that we would end up divorced in the long haul. I only have so much time to give to a person. I could tell she was unhappy even though weeks before the breakup I told all of my friends that I was happier than ever.
Since then I have realized that I’m not as good looking as I once was. I had gained 45 lbs after leaving service. The stress of the divorce, dealing with my PTSD (which I’ve come a long way with counseling), and dealing with my injuries from the war, these have all gotten to me. My heaviest was 245 lbs. I knew I needed a change. I’ve lost all the weight I gained since then and am edging on becoming more fit than I was in the military. Running is my stress reliever. I cannot run like I used to, because I developed asthma when I was in Iraq from the dust, pollution, and lack of consistent exercise, but I’m trying to get myself back to the old me. The old me used to be in the highest rated running group in my unit. We used to run two miles at about a 6 min/mile pace without a break, I barely kept up, but I did. Now, I’m struggling with a 9 min/mile pace, I’m able to maintain that and then some, but there are times where I can’t hack it. I have strengthened the injuries I have and they don’t give me problems anymore, but my asthmas does give me issues. I am currently training for a marathon in October and with my mind, there is no doubt I will be successful. I am running the marathon for myself. I need to prove to myself that the old Scott did not leave with my divorce and that I am as strong as ever. I am also doing it for my kids. I want to show them that dad is not a quitter, I want them to know that I will not leave them.
My current life is a lot different and I have changed all aspects about my life. My ex-wife is now engaged to my ex-best friend (I ponder on if it was setup this way a long time ago without my knowledge, but oh well). I have shared custody with my kids and see them 50% of the time. I am one semester away from graduating with my bachelors degree in business administration, yay me! I have a fulltime job making a great living. I gave her everything in the divorce but I’m happy I did because I definitely have my own identity. I went through a streak of dating and trying to find myself. My mother just recently said that she had never seen me happier than I am right now. I now know what I want from a relationship and its a lot more than what I have experienced. The thing is, I’m willing to wait for the right person to come along. In the past year and some change I have dated a lot and have come to the conclusion that I am picking from the wrong pile. At first I was focused on not being lonely anymore, but now I realize that the feeling was one that would pass and I needed to focus on learning about myself. I’m tired of thinking I will have to settle on someone that might be a good person or risking the possibility that I might not be happy.
I hope you enjoyed reading about me. The funny thing is that this is the shortened and quick story. I left a lot of detain out. Please leave a comment and let me know what you think. =-)

Cathleenr

well dang, that is a great intro scott! thank you for serving! i appreciate your views and overall desire to go forward! glad to have you here...this is a very supportive community.

niecyc23

thank you for sharing sounds like you are very happy with yourself which is a good thing

lynette111

Divorce is hard no matter the circumstances. Glad you are finding your way. Don't settle or you will most likely divorce again down the road. Don't be afraid of being alone for awhile. Focus on you and your kids. Heal from the hurt and pain of the past now and you will take less baggage into your next relationship. Thank you for your service to our country!

Applelina

You have certainly come a long way! Congrats! It gives you some extra reassurance when people that have seen you through your worst can see that you are a happier person. I know sometimes we lie about being happy because fear of change and for putting your all into your family. And I know ALL about picking from the wrong pile of dates! I could probably write a book on my dating dilemmas!
I've had plenty of dates being big and I'm working on me and feeling better and getting more looks, but I hope the person I find could love me because of who I am on the inside and not just because the outside is better. Personality and heart is so important and it sounds like you have plenty to offer someone! I keep that in mind because I want someone to stick it out with me when it's storming too.