How to Deal with Diet Saboteurs?

CrazyTrackLady

I have a problem brewing that is really bothering me, and I am not sure how to address it.

I have been physically active and focused on my health for over a year now. I've worked hard as hell to lose over 30 lbs and 4 sizes. I've made some changes to my diet that have resolved numerous long standing health issues. And now that I'm staying focused on caloric intent via MFP, I am back to dropping a few more unwanted pounds. My goal is to reach a healthy 150 lbs at my 5'10" height. I'm at 158 now I began my journey at 189.

I have a "friend" who is morbidly obese. She has had two major hernia surgeries, most likely has pre-diabetic issues, and needs to lose at least 60 lbs. She does not exercise (that I know about), and her latest new "diet" drink is SF Red Bull with vodka. The SF seems to give her the impression that it's better for her and therefore worth drinking.

We went to a comedy club last night, and before the show, stopped for a quick drink. I chose to have one shot of vodka (I was almost at my calorie limit, so I had 2 shots then I was done for the night). She got pissed at me, said I need to STOP counting calories and just "live a little".

I wasn't sure how to respond. I am very dedicated and loyal to my health and diet. I exercise regularly, eat very little junk food, and am trying to model good behavior for my students.I have not been very vocal about how SHE is NOT going about weight loss the right way (she's on a fad diet, btw), and yet, she feels it's okay to try to sabotage MY plans.

How do I address this hypocritical behavior from her, without sounding preachy, self righteous and snarky?

PLEASE ADVISE. It's starting to affect how I feel about her.

kbmnurse

Dump her. She is a doggie downer.

CRenaeB

I have a friend just like that! She is also on a fad diet! She tells me that I dont have to exercise so much, you are doing too much,eat whatever you want in moderation, ect ect. She is almost 30 pounds heavier than I am. At first I would not say anything, sometimes I would even agree. I am at the point where enough is enough. I now tell her that I have to do what is best for me. I tell her that everybody's bodies are different and different things work for different people. I stopped discussing weight with her to keep our friendship! Almost a month and a half later Im still losing and she is gaining. Let your life speak for you, believe me, she will notice!

AllTehBeers

If she gets pissed because you're taking care of yourself, you may have to get a bit snarky and self righteous. Alcohol is the one thing I still indulge in because that is MY living a little. You may not like alcohol but enjoy ice cream and that could be YOUR living a little. Each person has their own thing that they let themselves enjoy but just because what you decide to live a little with isn't what she thinks you should isn't a reason to get snippy.

Just explain that you're enjoying what you want and also creating a better life at the same time. Imagine that! Being healthy AND enjoying life!

Sidesteal

How do I address this hypocritical behavior from her, without sounding preachy, self righteous and snarky?

PLEASE ADVISE. It's starting to affect how I feel about her.

Congrats on your progress so far.

Have you said anything to her about this? It might be as simple as saying "Hey, you can drink as much as you want and have a good time and that's great. I'm perfectly happy having these two shots and I don't want to have anymore".

Or something along those lines.

If she doesn't get it, then I'd try this:


"Listen up bish, I ain't fenna play dat *kitten*." (grabbing your crotch while saying this will help)

But I think the former method would be the one to try first.

SueGremlin

I believe my response would be "Thanks for the concern. I am an adult and am the only person who controls what goes into my body. It's not about you. What I eat or drink is not fair game for conversation". Period. End of sentence.

This is a friendship killer, IMO. I hope she does not persist.

loislane22

Congrats on coming so far in your weight loss journey.

We all have at one point or another experienced something like this, try not to let it bother you. If you are the same person personality wise as you were before you lost weight then she really shouldnt be having an issue with you.
Some people are just jelouse so they say nasty things to make themselves feel feel better.
Tell her this is your new life, you are still the same person as you were before, just healthier. If she cant accept this then maybe you are better off not being friends with someome like this.

Elizabeth_C34

How do I address this hypocritical behavior from her, without sounding preachy, self righteous and snarky?

PLEASE ADVISE. It's starting to affect how I feel about her.

Congrats on your progress so far.

Have you said anything to her about this? It might be as simple as saying "Hey, you can drink as much as you want and have a good time and that's great. I'm perfectly happy having these two shots and I don't want to have anymore".

Or something along those lines.

If she doesn't get it, then I'd try this:


"Listen up bish, I ain't fenna play dat *kitten*." (grabbing your crotch while saying this will help)

But I think the former method would be the one to try first.

^ This for sure.

Congrats on your progress!

Also, I don't think she is trying to "sabotage" you really. She just doesn't share your beliefs on nutrition and fitness. Try not to make it a big deal in conversation and let it be one of those "agree to disagree" things.

reneegee23

Dude, I have several people like that in my life. Brass tacks? Be blunt. It's your life, not theirs. If they are truly a friend, they would understand that this is the path you've chosen and respect your choices.

I hate it when people dog me to eat/drink more or make derogatory comments about my weight loss efforts. Like I just shoudn't bother. WTF? Mind your own beeswax unless I volunteer to talk about it!

megsmom2

It sounds like her "living a little" is going to kill her, sooner or later, probably sooner. Maybe a heart to heart would help, maybe not. She won't change until she's ready to, and I bet she is secretly jealous of how you are doing and the level of self control you are quietly demonstrating. Unfortunately, you cannot change someone else, only yourself. If she can't be more supportive and also take care of her own issues, maybe its time to pull back from the friendship a bit.

cramernh

I have a problem brewing that is really bothering me, and I am not sure how to address it.

I have been physically active and focused on my health for over a year now. I've worked hard as hell to lose over 30 lbs and 4 sizes. I've made some changes to my diet that have resolved numerous long standing health issues. And now that I'm staying focused on caloric intent via MFP, I am back to dropping a few more unwanted pounds. My goal is to reach a healthy 150 lbs at my 5'10" height. I'm at 158 now I began my journey at 189.

I have a "friend" who is morbidly obese. She has had two major hernia surgeries, most likely has pre-diabetic issues, and needs to lose at least 60 lbs. She does not exercise (that I know about), and her latest new "diet" drink is SF Red Bull with vodka. The SF seems to give her the impression that it's better for her and therefore worth drinking.

We went to a comedy club last night, and before the show, stopped for a quick drink. I chose to have one shot of vodka (I was almost at my calorie limit, so I had 2 shots then I was done for the night). She got pissed at me, said I need to STOP counting calories and just "live a little".

I wasn't sure how to respond. I am very dedicated and loyal to my health and diet. I exercise regularly, eat very little junk food, and am trying to model good behavior for my students.I have not been very vocal about how SHE is NOT going about weight loss the right way (she's on a fad diet, btw), and yet, she feels it's okay to try to sabotage MY plans.

How do I address this hypocritical behavior from her, without sounding preachy, self righteous and snarky?

PLEASE ADVISE. It's starting to affect how I feel about her.

Tell her its none of her concern. If she feels threatened by your being a responsible drinker, a responsible person with their intake, then that is HER problem.

There is a woman at work who pulls the same garbage when we all sit together at lunch time. I make healthy meals all the time. If I order out for lunch, I only get healthy meals.

She is known for being the most negative person to the point that the 'silver lining' has rust on it when she speaks.

We have a Lebanese/Middle Eastern restaurant across the street from where we work. AMAZING Tabouleh, hummus, kebabs, kafta, you name it. I always get Chicken Kebab, Tabouleh, hummus and a small garden salad with their homemade dressing (all 100% all natural, fresh foods).

She looks at the meal and tells me "you know there is more to life than just rabbit food, chicken and baby food right?"

I look at her lunch and say "you know there is more to life than that bag of chips, your french fries, your fried chicken tenders and your bottle of Jolt, right?"

I wont stand, PERIOD, for someone who thinks they can put me in their same slump. Im very vocal when someone comes after me.

Personally... two shots of Vodka is pretty damn satisfying - follow it up with a big refreshing soda-water with lime and OHHHHH YEAH!

mrmanmeat

I have a problem brewing that is really bothering me, and I am not sure how to address it.

I have been physically active and focused on my health for over a year now. I've worked hard as hell to lose over 30 lbs and 4 sizes. I've made some changes to my diet that have resolved numerous long standing health issues. And now that I'm staying focused on caloric intent via MFP, I am back to dropping a few more unwanted pounds. My goal is to reach a healthy 150 lbs at my 5'10" height. I'm at 158 now I began my journey at 189.

I have a "friend" who is morbidly obese. She has had two major hernia surgeries, most likely has pre-diabetic issues, and needs to lose at least 60 lbs. She does not exercise (that I know about), and her latest new "diet" drink is SF Red Bull with vodka. The SF seems to give her the impression that it's better for her and therefore worth drinking.

We went to a comedy club last night, and before the show, stopped for a quick drink. I chose to have one shot of vodka (I was almost at my calorie limit, so I had 2 shots then I was done for the night). She got pissed at me, said I need to STOP counting calories and just "live a little".

I wasn't sure how to respond. I am very dedicated and loyal to my health and diet. I exercise regularly, eat very little junk food, and am trying to model good behavior for my students.I have not been very vocal about how SHE is NOT going about weight loss the right way (she's on a fad diet, btw), and yet, she feels it's okay to try to sabotage MY plans.

How do I address this hypocritical behavior from her, without sounding preachy, self righteous and snarky?

PLEASE ADVISE. It's starting to affect how I feel about her.

Just tell her two shots is all you want. Deal with it.

But, in reality, you should dump her. Tell her why though.

LabRat529

Maybe you really should 'just live a little'. Yes, I'm serious. But then I understand that for some people, food is part of that 'language of love' and I weigh that knowledge against my desire to be healthy before I make my choices.

If she is your friend, then perhaps you should ask yourself what she really wants from you and what you can give to build and strengthen that friendship. Callling her a Diet Saboteur is not on my list of ways to build a friendship.

Look... like most obese people, she's probably hurting from a whole host of issues. She probably feels judged negatively by you, and obviously she IS being judged negatively by you. You just wrote a big post condemning her lifestyle.

Friendship goes two ways. You want her to be a better friend to you? Try being a better friend to her.

Rather than assume she's trying to sabotage your diet, why don't you just kindly and calmly say: I'm really terrified of the long-term health problems waiting for if I can't lose weight. I'm here because I love you and want to spend time with you, but I need to limit my calorie intake.

Alternatively... you can 'live a little' for just one night. Being over on calories on one night is not going to kill you or make you suddenly stop losing weight. It could actually help you.

ElizabethRoad

Maybe you really should 'just live a little'. Yes, I'm serious. But then I understand that for some people, food is part of that 'language of love' and I weigh that knowledge against my desire to be healthy before I make my choices.

If she is your friend, then perhaps you should ask yourself what she really wants from you and what you can give to build and strengthen that friendship. Callling her a Diet Saboteur is not on my list of ways to build a friendship.

Look... like most obese people, she's probably hurting from a whole host of issues. She probably feels judged negatively by you, and obviously she IS being judged negatively by you. You just wrote a big post condemning her lifestyle.

Friendship goes two ways. You want her to be a better friend to you? Try being a better friend to her.

Rather than assume she's trying to sabotage your diet, why don't you just kindly and calmly say: I'm really terrified of the long-term health problems waiting for if I can't lose weight. I'm here because I love you and want to spend time with you, but I need to limit my calorie intake.

Alternatively... you can 'live a little' for just one night. Being over on calories on one night is not going to kill you or make you suddenly stop losing weight. It could actually help you.

The point is, though, if OP has a treat or doesn't count calories for one night, the person who makes that decision is her, not her friend.

ElizabethRoad

I have a "friend" who is morbidly obese.

I'm wondering if the friendship is worth bothering with if you have to put "friend" in quotes like that.

gumigal82

I have a few friends and fam members who always say I need to loosen up: "I don't need to calorie count, look up calorie counts in restaurants...what weight will I actually be happy at...do I really need to exercise so much...." ,
I just do my best to block out the negativity-at times I have also worked it out if I know I'm going out with friends, I will do a major cardio session in the afternoon, eat low cal (high protein) meal, so that way I can have a drink/fun food with them:)

CrazyTrackLady

How do I address this hypocritical behavior from her, without sounding preachy, self righteous and snarky?

PLEASE ADVISE. It's starting to affect how I feel about her.

Congrats on your progress so far.

Have you said anything to her about this? It might be as simple as saying "Hey, you can drink as much as you want and have a good time and that's great. I'm perfectly happy having these two shots and I don't want to have anymore".

Or something along those lines.

If she doesn't get it, then I'd try this:


"Listen up bish, I ain't fenna play dat *kitten*." (grabbing your crotch while saying this will help)

But I think the former method would be the one to try first.

Will you marry me?

CrazyTrackLady

Maybe you really should 'just live a little'. Yes, I'm serious. But then I understand that for some people, food is part of that 'language of love' and I weigh that knowledge against my desire to be healthy before I make my choices.

If she is your friend, then perhaps you should ask yourself what she really wants from you and what you can give to build and strengthen that friendship. Callling her a Diet Saboteur is not on my list of ways to build a friendship.

Look... like most obese people, she's probably hurting from a whole host of issues. She probably feels judged negatively by you, and obviously she IS being judged negatively by you. You just wrote a big post condemning her lifestyle.

Friendship goes two ways. You want her to be a better friend to you? Try being a better friend to her.

Rather than assume she's trying to sabotage your diet, why don't you just kindly and calmly say: I'm really terrified of the long-term health problems waiting for if I can't lose weight. I'm here because I love you and want to spend time with you, but I need to limit my calorie intake.

Alternatively... you can 'live a little' for just one night. Being over on calories on one night is not going to kill you or make you suddenly stop losing weight. It could actually help you.

"Living a little" for me is not by drinking a lot, nor by drinking energy drinks (I think they're dangerous for us). If you saw my diary, you'd see I had a luscious treat for dinner. Tee hee hee.

quixoteQ

Tell her, "Every time I make a good choice, I am living a little better." Boom.

RadioactivePirate

Look... like most obese people, she's probably hurting from a whole host of issues. She probably feels judged negatively by you, and obviously she IS being judged negatively by you. You just wrote a big post condemning her lifestyle.

Friendship goes two ways. You want her to be a better friend to you? Try being a better friend to her.

Absolutely this. She is probably dealing with her own issues, and it seems likely to me that she's not doing this to hurt you, but rather to protect herself. Your idea of a healthy lifestyle is a direct threat to HER idea of what she wants a healthy lifestyle to be, and my guess would be that her way of dealing with the cognitive dissonance this causes is by telling you that you need to lighten up. She may also be picking up on subtle cues that you are giving off that say you think what she's doing is wrong, or bad. It's clear you think this is true, so it may be the case that she is aware you think this way, and this is her way of defending herself. I'm not saying this is right for her to do, I'm just saying there may be more reasons than her simply trying to hurt you.

If you two are truly friends who respect each other, it seems like you both need to do a little better at showing that. Try not to judge her, even to yourself, because what you really think does have a way of showing itself in how you treat someone. But also draw a line in the sand and make it clear that it's not ok for her to talk to you like that and to be so critical of your choices, because that WILL bring you down if you let it. I agree with the idea of making diet/health an off-limit conversation topic if it's going to damage your friendship.

Athijade

Maybe you really should 'just live a little'. Yes, I'm serious. But then I understand that for some people, food is part of that 'language of love' and I weigh that knowledge against my desire to be healthy before I make my choices.

If she is your friend, then perhaps you should ask yourself what she really wants from you and what you can give to build and strengthen that friendship. Callling her a Diet Saboteur is not on my list of ways to build a friendship.

Look... like most obese people, she's probably hurting from a whole host of issues. She probably feels judged negatively by you, and obviously she IS being judged negatively by you. You just wrote a big post condemning her lifestyle.

Friendship goes two ways. You want her to be a better friend to you? Try being a better friend to her.

Rather than assume she's trying to sabotage your diet, why don't you just kindly and calmly say: I'm really terrified of the long-term health problems waiting for if I can't lose weight. I'm here because I love you and want to spend time with you, but I need to limit my calorie intake.

Alternatively... you can 'live a little' for just one night. Being over on calories on one night is not going to kill you or make you suddenly stop losing weight. It could actually help you.

The point is, though, if OP has a treat or doesn't count calories for one night, the person who makes that decision is her, not her friend.

That is it exactly. Yes, "living a little" is needed... but the choice of how and when is up to the OP, not the friend.

I am lucky... I don't have anyone in my life who has said or done anything negative since I started this path. Everyone who I can enough to spend time with has been super supportive and has cheered me on. My friends always ask about where or what we should eat when I am spending time with them. In fact, I feel guilty because they are so supportive in those ways but I don't want to dictate our meals all the time haha.