Bathing Suit Shopping! UGH!

NancyNiles Posts: 145 Member
Bathing Suit Shopping

When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job. Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one
in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!

***This was a joke, but really only the part about growing up in the 50s... the rest of this hilarious story has been experienced by nearly every woman on the planet, big or small, unless they have a body carved from a potato chip!

So, with summer just around the corner (it's already arrived here in Florida!), do you have any funny bathing suit (or trunks for the guys) stories to share? Please keep it clean. I'm already waiting for the Mod-Squad to kill this for metioning boobs!


  • 42kgirl
    42kgirl Posts: 692 Member
    Freaking hilarious! I have to buy my suits online because of the girls. Uniboob is so not attractive.
  • LaMujerMasBonitaDelMundo
    LaMujerMasBonitaDelMundo Posts: 3,634 Member
    LOL that was funny especially the one looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

    Yeah most bathing suits are like that nowadays
  • Expialidojess
    Expialidojess Posts: 588 Member
    Too funny! I hate swimsuit shopping.
  • hrtoftx
    hrtoftx Posts: 32
    OMGosh!! This was way too funny!! My husband was wondering what I was laughing at!!!!
    I hate shopping for a bathing suit!!! Im so happy that I have finally lost weight.....but I have lost enough that now I HAVE to go and find a new suit. DAMN!!! My old one was perfect!!!!!!!!!
  • Cindym82
    Cindym82 Posts: 1,245 Member
    LMAOOOOO omg this was me yesterday at victoria secrets LOL i cant stop laughing about how right you are
  • christine24t
    christine24t Posts: 6,064 Member
    If it helps, I'm 21 and can't find jack s**t for swimsuits. The only luck I've had is with the shapewear swimsuits. Target has some that aren't too bad looking.
  • NancyNiles
    NancyNiles Posts: 145 Member
    LOL, honestly I go for the 'swim dress' ... aka the hippo from Fantasia! ha ha
  • cmaxmor
    cmaxmor Posts: 231 Member
    Order online from Lands End! They are mostly seperates and if it doesn't fit/flatter you can return to sears. Takes the pain out of it for me...
  • ladytinkerbell99
    ladytinkerbell99 Posts: 970 Member
    You sure do have a way with words.
    And so true, I am afraid to say. All this work and I still cannot find a bathing suit
    to fit. :grumble:
  • mommared53
    mommared53 Posts: 9,543 Member
    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: I can't even tell you the last time I owned a swim suit.
  • jjelizalde
    jjelizalde Posts: 377 Member
    Oh my gosh can you write! I pictured every suit you described - I'm sure I've tried them all on. I finally went with a tankini; boy leg shorts, cups for the girls and covers the belly.