Should we do something?

LynnW52

I was contemplating something last night that I thought I would share.

I've struggled with my weight my whole life. When I got married in 07, I was the smallest I had ever been. Slowly, the weight creeped back on and less than 2 years later, I've put on about 40lbs.

Heres my issue: As I put on weight, I'm sure people noticed. My family, my friends, coworkers, EVERYONE had to notice! Why is it that when someone around us is slowly putting on weight, we don't reach out to them? Why do we let them continue to gain weight, knowing what the end result will be. No one ever said, hey lynn wanna go for a walk after work? Wanna go for a bike ride? Wanna go for a salad? etc.

I just don't understand why weight gain is such a taboo subject. I mean obviously when you have gained/are gaining weight you are extremely self-concious, and someone bluntly pointing it out would do no good for the self esteem. But why not try to get people involved in something without having to attack them personally. I only wish that when I had put on the first 20 lbs, someone would have stepped up as a support for me. Not that I needed someone to point out the fact that I was gaining weight, trust me the Levi's assured me that I had indeed gained weight. But I think it would have been a great motivator for someone to give me some support at that time.

Am I guilty of a little transference here or what? How could everyone sit back and watch me get fat and not do anything about it?

How do you guys feel? When we see someone putting on weight, should we encourage them to join us in activities? or do we just sit that and watch them continue to put on weight and be unhappy with themselves.

I am obviously not implying that people would be rude, or harsh, or any type of negative. I just wish that
that my "Im fed up with being fat" light in my head had been turned on a little earlier.

If your friend or coworker was slowly putting on weight, would you ignore it and let them deal with it, or would you step in for support?

kandyjo

Hey, my friend :happy:
Ok, like you said....its a sensitive subject and everyone handles it differently. I think you just have to really know someone and what best approach would work for them.
I think, probably, setting the best examples we can....and yes, maybe invite those who are gaining weight to join in to some fun, fat burning activities....
Its just a sensitive subject that has to be handled differently with different people...
I totally take all responsibility for my weight gain. I don't know if anyone offering a 2 mile walk would have done any good at all. We all have to take personal responsibility for ourselves. We also can't follow people around and make them watch what they eat.....
I don't know...that's just my two cents
Good thought provoking question though

khskr1

That is something I have thought about many times! I used to date a guy who would mention to me that I might be gaining weight. Others thought that was cruel and rude, but really, don't you want those closest to you to take an interest and let you know when you're going down a dangerous path? People always comment when you lose the weight....why not when you're gaining?? isn't that what friends are for??

I am just glad to know I'm not the only person who has ever thought this. I think as long as you watch your boundaries with whom you're talking to, you can easily talk to them about this.

Mamakatspokane

No one will ever lose weight till they are ready and they decide. You can encourage but (as I'm sure you know) you can't do it for them. You yourself knew your pants were tight but did that make you lose weight, would someone else telling you have made you lose? I'm sure if soemone said something to me and I wasn't in the "right" place to lose, it would just give me an excuse for a little pity party eating....but that's just me.

JoyousMaximus

My coworker said an interesting thing "When I was gaining weight, no one said anything but as soon as I started loosing it, people chimed in about what I was doing wrong." I just thought that was appropriate.

I think the reason people don't say anything is because weight is such a touchy subject with most people. How do you go to some one and say "You've been gaining weight. How can I help you lose it?" without seeming rude or insensative? I know I would have just felt hurt rather than supported. For me personally, I had to get to a point that weight loss was a priority for me nothing anyone said would have made a difference. I knew I was overweight. I just wasn't ready to do anything about it.

nguill6

I think it's only a matter of time until food becomes like smoking. It's perfectly alright to tell a smoker that what they're doing is bad for them (hell often times people harass smokers about the health risks), and I think that people are slowly starting to suggest to one another that what they're eating could put them at risk too. I hope my friends don't think I'm rude when I suggest that an english muffin is significantly better than a bagel or that the low fat dressing tastes just as good as the regular but with half the calories. Maybe it depends on the crowd, but suggesting healthier options in a positive light sounds like a great way to help each other out. I know I'd sure appreciate it.

PedalHound

Mamakat & jbuerer, that was exactly what I was going to post as well. In fact, during the time that I was gaining my mother made a comment (lovingly and it was received as such) about my portions. Despite knowing she was being good to me and caring, it just made me want to use food for comfort. The thing that holds true for every single person on here who finds success is that some magical lightbulb went off in their minds and they were READY. If you've tried and failed before at losing weight then you finally have THE MOMENT where you know that making a change is the only option, you know that it's also not a moment you can offer for someone else.

I do think that inviting someone along is a good plan but really, just modeling the healthy lifestyle that allows us to get fit is the best we can do. It's a shame but I think that's the truth.

ildi007

When I gain weight, it's because I'm eating instead of dealing with my issues. Stress, divorce, sleepless nights watching over my daughter in hospitals...Feeling sorry for myself, feeling angry about being helpless, you name it! So, when I gain weight, I know for me it wouldn't be the best approach to say: hello, how about your hips??? What I need is someone to help me out of the "hole", let me vent, let me sleep, let me have a happy moment (one not involved ice-cream and peanut butter cups)...
I do understand what you say though!!! This issue was talked about in regard of eating disorders too- how to step in, when to step in, does it really help, does the "victim" really want to hear you????

I also wondered about the issue of spousal feelings: what happens if your husband tells you he doesn't find you attractive anymore after so many extra pounds...Is he allowed to be honest? Or should he love you no matter what?

LynnW52

I hope that people realise that what I meant by, should we do something, is not to say to someone wow you've put on a few lbs, let's do something about that!

Why not be able to say,

Hey do you wanna go for a walk later?
Instead of this greasy take out everyone else ordered do you wanna go get a salad?
Wanna join me and some friends to play tennis??

I didn't mean to openly call them out about gaining weight, but rather to try and encourage and support them before they even realize they need it.

keiko

I have tried to encourage some friends to lose. We've talked about the health benefits. I eat healthy and watch my portions when I'm with them. I don't eat two deserts just because they are there. They know that I get up early to exercise. But I cannot make them do it.
I can show by example but not much else. Everyone makes their own choices.

Delphi

I don't understand why people let weight comments affect them in such a profound manner, when someone does mention they are gaining weight. I think, when you are over-weight you tend to sugar coat your issues with food or lack of exercise. You create this false sense of reality and make excuse after excuse of why your over-weight or why you continue to make poor food choices. You become comfortable with your own self-pity. Now, I've never been one to sugar coat anything and I'm certainly not gonna start. But if you care for someone, how do you remain idle and not help or support them? I'd say absolutely. Even though, I'm in the minority with this, I believe you should help, nurture and support those you love and care about. Period! If that means having a rather uncomfortable conversation with them, then so be it. There is no reason that I can't have that conversation, in a manner that is not hostile and quite tactful. At the end of the day, weight gain is no different than drug abuse or any other addiction. I suppose if your family member or friend was hyped up on Meth and destroying their health and life, you would still remain silent? No, you would try to help them, in some way, shape or form. I say fight the taboo people and start speaking up.

Then again, that's just my humble opinion!

amymeenieminymo

I think a comment about someone's weight gain, no matter how gentle, is going to hurt people to some degree.

Sure you can always invite people for a walk or play a game, but really, why is everyone here? Because something finally clicked in our heads to do something about it, and really be serious. I've tried losing weight tons of times before, but for the first time ever, I have stuck to it and really seen accomplishments. In the past, I would work out for a couple weeks, not see immediate results and give up. But I just realized on my bike ride last night that working out has truly become a lifestyle for me. I've been working out regularly for over a year now, something I have NEVER accomplished in the past.

My boyfriend has put on about 20-40 pounds since we met. He brings it up all the time...he'll say man I'm fat, or he'll pat his belly and say he needs to lose it. I ask him all the time if he wants to go for a walk with me, or go for a bike ride, or play tennis, but the answer is always no. I'll suggest healtheir meals for him to eat, or healtheir alternatives, sometimes he'll try them, but then he's right back to snacking and eating bad.

I really don't think it matters how often I ask him to work out with me or eat better, he won't do it until whatever it is that needs to click in his mind to get serious to lose weight. Maybe when we get engaged and he'll realize he wants to look good for our wedding day, or once we have kids he'll hate not being able to keep up with them...who knows, but he has to want to do it for himself.

keiko

I think a comment about someone's weight gain, no matter how gentle, is going to hurt people to some degree.

Sure you can always invite people for a walk or play a game, but really, why is everyone here? Because something finally clicked in our heads to do something about it, and really be serious. I've tried losing weight tons of times before, but for the first time ever, I have stuck to it and really seen accomplishments. In the past, I would work out for a couple weeks, not see immediate results and give up. But I just realized on my bike ride last night that working out has truly become a lifestyle for me. I've been working out regularly for over a year now, something I have NEVER accomplished in the past.

My boyfriend has put on about 20-40 pounds since we met. He brings it up all the time...he'll say man I'm fat, or he'll pat his belly and say he needs to lose it. I ask him all the time if he wants to go for a walk with me, or go for a bike ride, or play tennis, but the answer is always no. I'll suggest healtheir meals for him to eat, or healtheir alternatives, sometimes he'll try them, but then he's right back to snacking and eating bad.

I really don't think it matters how often I ask him to work out with me or eat better, he won't do it until whatever it is that needs to click in his mind to get serious to lose weight. Maybe when we get engaged and he'll realize he wants to look good for our wedding day, or once we have kids he'll hate not being able to keep up with them...who knows, but he has to want to do it for himself.

I am in the same situation with my DH. Like I said before all we can do is ask. It is their choice. And that is the same with a person who abuses alcohol or drugs.
DH even says what a good example I am. How he admires my dedication to waking up early to get my exercise in.
He is starting to come around. He is watching his eating more and taking the dog for walks. He has also thanked me for not nagging but by leading by example.

JoyousMaximus

I don't understand why people let weight comments affect them in such a profound manner, when someone does mention they are gaining weight. I think, when you are over-weight you tend to sugar coat your issues with food or lack of exercise. You create this false sense of reality and make excuse after excuse of why your over-weight or why you continue to make poor food choices. You become comfortable with your own self-pity. Now, I've never been one to sugar coat anything and I'm certainly not gonna start. But if you care for someone, how do you remain idle and not help or support them? I'd say absolutely. Even though, I'm in the minority with this, I believe you should help, nurture and support those you love and care about. Period! If that means having a rather uncomfortable conversation with them, then so be it. There is no reason that I can't have that conversation, in a manner that is not hostile and quite tactful. At the end of the day, weight gain is no different than drug abuse or any other addiction. I suppose if your family member or friend was hyped up on Meth and destroying their health and life, you would still remain silent? No, you would try to help them, in some way, shape or form. I say fight the taboo people and start speaking up.

Then again, that's just my humble opinion!

I understand what you are saying. The main thing that separates food from drugs is food you have to consume to survive. Drugs you can go cold turkey. There is also more of a deniablity with drugs than food. The people I've know that were addicted to meth (and yes, I have know a couple) would not admit they had a problem even as their lives fell apart but I have yet to meet some one with a weight problem that was unaware of it.
I do agree that we can subtly enourage people by telling them how much we like a healthy recipe or this website. I just don't think calling them out will help. That's just me.

totallytasha

I think it depends on the person. If it's somebody you don't know very well, I think it's appropriate to ask them to come play outside with you or the like. Something subtle, making time together the focus as opposed to the activity. But if it's somebody close to you, I think it's okay to say something. My boyfriend did the evil deed and flat out told me he noticed I'd gained weight over the winter, and yes, I was pretty upset. But at the same time it told me people were noticing, and I'd better start paying attention to what I was doing. He may have done what some people consider the big no-no, but he also helps me everyday with healthy eating choices and encourages all forms of activity.

Obviously, just saying something rude is out of the question. But I believe that it's okay to say something to someone you care about if you're going to follow through and be supportive. Initial hurt, at least in my case, was followed by the knowledge that he said something because he cared, and I needed to care a bit more.

stef_e_b

I try to encourage my mum because she is morbidly obease. I know its her issue and if she wants to stay the way she is then its her choice, but, I want her to live a long long time. We talk about it all the time. The doctor put her on a 800 cal a day diet and she lost 70 pounds in 4 months. However, she has stopped counting calories and her scale doesn't work so I can only guess about how much weight she has put back and its about 30 pounds.

I wish Jordan (my boyfriend of 5 years) or my mum had said something to me when I put on 100 pounds in a year and a half. Even my best friend. People said they assumed I knew. I guess I did, I didn't own a scale so I had no idea how bad it was. I stepped on my grandma's scale when I was visiting and saw 262 pounds and started this journey.