FUNNIEST!!...thing I've ever read!

crisanderson27

Ok...this wins, hands down. It rates right up there with 'Armageddon' (youtube it if you've never heard it).

Taken from http://thewvsr.com/alli.htm
Hilarious!! :laugh:

Alli is a new over-the-counter weight-loss pill which, predictably enough, has proven to be a massive best-seller from the moment it became available. The drug, manufactured by GlaxoSmithKline, reportedly works by blocking the absorption of excess fats by the body. And folks are waddling, not walking, to their local drug stores for a chance to get started on the Alli "program."

As is the case with most drugs, Alli comes with a risk of certain side effects. Or, as they're known on the company website, treatment effects.

A person is reportedly limited to 15 grams of fat per meal, and if they go over (or even if they don't), there's a significant chance they'll find themselves out behind a shopping center somewhere, crying and clutching a wad of horrifyingly soiled underwear, searching for a place to ditch it.

As best as I can tell, anyway...

Since a lot of this stuff is couched in language that is technically truthful, but very carefully worded, I've taken it upon myself to go through the list of side (treatment) effects and warnings, and translate it all into layman's terms.

I'm no scientist or doctor, and don't pretend to have any special knowledge. I'm just a person who's fairly good with words and reading between the lines... The highlighted phrases below are direct quotes from the Alli website, with my translations in between.

Undigested fat cannot be absorbed and passes through the body naturally. The excess fat is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it in the toilet as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza.

Here the drug makers are trying to soothe the nerves of the skeptical fatty, by speaking their language. Pizza is something fatties understand, and a big part of the reason they’re interested in Alli to begin with. Pizza is good, pizza is reassuring… even when it’s flowing from your *kitten* like molten lava.

The website mentions seeing the undigested fat in a toilet, but that’s clearly a best case scenario. You might also see it on the tops of your shoes, across the hood of a car, or way up the shower curtain, near the loops.

The fat passes out of your body, so you may have bowel changes, known as treatment effects.

Bowel changes. Notice how they phrase that? It means stuff will be happening the likes of which you could never have imagined. It’ll be like a daily Dean Koontz novel inside your underwear.

You may get:

gas with oily spotting

You’ll be farting Wesson oil straight through your Dockers…

loose stools

and having violent chipped beef explosions...

more frequent stools that may be hard to control

all the time, with a sphincter that can no longer be counted as a friend.

Eating a low-fat diet lowers the chance of these bowel changes. Limit fat intake in your meals to an average of 15 grams.

The McDonald’s Big Mac has 34 grams of fat, and the Burger King Whopper has 40. Eat either of these while taking Alli, and you’ll very likely be transformed into a diarrhea cannon.

Learning how to manage treatment effects is an important part of being successful with alli. Here's how to take control:

Start trimming fat from your diet now, even before you begin taking alli. Then pick a day to begin taking alli, such as a weekend day so you can stay close to home if you experience a treatment effect. Make the timing work for you. If you're getting ready to travel or attend a social event, hold off on starting with alli until the event is over

Blowing liquid feces down a row of bridesmaids, for instance, could be viewed negatively in certain circles. Further, an unexpected bout of the power-squirts while riding “The Bullet” at the county fair might not ingratiate you with your friends. Or anyone on the fairway. Or the folks in the parking lot walking to their cars.

While no one likes experiencing treatment effects, they might help you think twice about eating questionable fat content. If you think of it like that, alli can act like a security guard for your late-night cravings

You see, when you think about it, ****ting yourself is actually a positive.

You can't "save fat grams" from lunch and "spend them" at dinner. Spread your daily fat gram allowance of 15 grams on average per meal over the whole day

Cheating can lead to embarrassment, tears, and the introduction of a frantically constructed toilet paper crack-wedge in the bathroom of an Applebee's. It’s simply not worth it.

You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work

Until you get the hang of it, you should probably take along a rolling suitcase full of brown clothes everywhere you go, while taking Alli. Luckily, however, turd-colored clothing is in this season; turd is the new vomit.

If co-workers ask about it, there is no shame in telling the truth.

You might be surprised how understanding folks can be if you simply say, “I dress like this to conceal the poop that's constantly soaking through the seat of my pants.”

You may not usually get gassy, but it's a possibility when you take alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens

Showboating is not recommended.

You can use a food journal to recognize what foods can lead to treatment effects. For example, writing down what you eat may help you learn that marinara sauce is a better option than Alfredo sauce

In addition to a handcart full of extra pants designed to camouflage your anal leakage, it might also be a good idea to carry a schematic and information wheel, so you don't repeat past mistakes and have a treatment effect halfway up your back.

I hope this information has proven to be valuable.

I'm sorry...but that, was freakin hilarious lol.

Edit ~ Original Thread:

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/575629-has-anyone-tried-alli?hl=Alli&page=2

jillian769

Omg, I had tears streaming down my face I was laughing so hard!!!!!:sad:

crisanderson27

Omg, I had tears streaming down my face I was laughing so hard!!!!!:sad:

Me too lol =D

crisanderson27

Omg, I had tears streaming down my face I was laughing so hard!!!!!:sad:

Me too lol =D

And even more humorous, this quote was in a thread full of people that had taken it.

They ALL pretty much agreed lol...this is NO exaggeration.

papastu

my mate at work takes it, got to show him this :laugh:

sesecat

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

OMG! Too funny!

mandasimba

I think my favorite part is that the real directions reccomend wearing dark pants and brining an extra pair.

Erindipitous

Hahaha

katydid25

The title of this thread is spot on!! I also have tears streaming down my face!!

This is also now a fwd email being sent around my office!

vtempes

THANK YOU for this thread!!!! My husband and i are in tears reading this!!! Going to be printing a few copies to share with others! I needed a good laugh after the shift I just had at work and this was truly the funniest thing I've ever read! :drinker:

crisanderson27

I think my favorite part is that the real directions reccomend wearing dark pants and brining an extra pair.

No kidding right? And people TAKE this stuff?!

MoreBean13

People are willing to suffer ANY consequences for a quick and easy fix!

I mean, I cannot imagine more embarassing consequences!

"Oh no, I have to carry that large purse with me everywhere for the change of dark-colored pants; My diet pill regularly makes me poop my pants"

WifeNMama

Lol! Wow.

the CEOs for Depends and Alli must hold shares in each others companies.

ChristineMarie89

hope nobody taking alli read this or they will need their extra pair of dark colored pants lol

Kougra

bump

nudqt

I can finally see to type.....how funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The tears were clouding my keyboard!

underthecherrytree

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

AngieJoy81

Oh goodness! I just woke up my husband with all the uncontrolled laughter!

Sjvarley123

hope nobody taking alli read this or they will need their extra pair of dark colored pants lol

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

amzelrulz

LOL!!! :noway: bloody hilarious!!!!

zhuangshi

I can't stop laughing! OMG, my stomach hurts! So funny!

t1sh

bump

ChasingSweatandTears

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
When taking alli, while on a date, it might be advised to have flowers ready...just in case...:flowerforyou:

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

widetobride

Ok...this wins, hands down. It rates right up there with 'Armageddon' (youtube it if you've never heard it).

Taken from http://thewvsr.com/alli.htm
Hilarious!! :laugh:

Alli is a new over-the-counter weight-loss pill which, predictably enough, has proven to be a massive best-seller from the moment it became available. The drug, manufactured by GlaxoSmithKline, reportedly works by blocking the absorption of excess fats by the body. And folks are waddling, not walking, to their local drug stores for a chance to get started on the Alli "program."

As is the case with most drugs, Alli comes with a risk of certain side effects. Or, as they're known on the company website, treatment effects.

A person is reportedly limited to 15 grams of fat per meal, and if they go over (or even if they don't), there's a significant chance they'll find themselves out behind a shopping center somewhere, crying and clutching a wad of horrifyingly soiled underwear, searching for a place to ditch it.

As best as I can tell, anyway...

Since a lot of this stuff is couched in language that is technically truthful, but very carefully worded, I've taken it upon myself to go through the list of side (treatment) effects and warnings, and translate it all into layman's terms.

I'm no scientist or doctor, and don't pretend to have any special knowledge. I'm just a person who's fairly good with words and reading between the lines... The highlighted phrases below are direct quotes from the Alli website, with my translations in between.

Undigested fat cannot be absorbed and passes through the body naturally. The excess fat is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it in the toilet as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza.

Here the drug makers are trying to soothe the nerves of the skeptical fatty, by speaking their language. Pizza is something fatties understand, and a big part of the reason they’re interested in Alli to begin with. Pizza is good, pizza is reassuring… even when it’s flowing from your *kitten* like molten lava.

The website mentions seeing the undigested fat in a toilet, but that’s clearly a best case scenario. You might also see it on the tops of your shoes, across the hood of a car, or way up the shower curtain, near the loops.

The fat passes out of your body, so you may have bowel changes, known as treatment effects.

Bowel changes. Notice how they phrase that? It means stuff will be happening the likes of which you could never have imagined. It’ll be like a daily Dean Koontz novel inside your underwear.

You may get:

gas with oily spotting

You’ll be farting Wesson oil straight through your Dockers…

loose stools

and having violent chipped beef explosions...

more frequent stools that may be hard to control

all the time, with a sphincter that can no longer be counted as a friend.

Eating a low-fat diet lowers the chance of these bowel changes. Limit fat intake in your meals to an average of 15 grams.

The McDonald’s Big Mac has 34 grams of fat, and the Burger King Whopper has 40. Eat either of these while taking Alli, and you’ll very likely be transformed into a diarrhea cannon.

Learning how to manage treatment effects is an important part of being successful with alli. Here's how to take control:

Start trimming fat from your diet now, even before you begin taking alli. Then pick a day to begin taking alli, such as a weekend day so you can stay close to home if you experience a treatment effect. Make the timing work for you. If you're getting ready to travel or attend a social event, hold off on starting with alli until the event is over

Blowing liquid feces down a row of bridesmaids, for instance, could be viewed negatively in certain circles. Further, an unexpected bout of the power-squirts while riding “The Bullet” at the county fair might not ingratiate you with your friends. Or anyone on the fairway. Or the folks in the parking lot walking to their cars.

While no one likes experiencing treatment effects, they might help you think twice about eating questionable fat content. If you think of it like that, alli can act like a security guard for your late-night cravings

You see, when you think about it, ****ting yourself is actually a positive.

You can't "save fat grams" from lunch and "spend them" at dinner. Spread your daily fat gram allowance of 15 grams on average per meal over the whole day

Cheating can lead to embarrassment, tears, and the introduction of a frantically constructed toilet paper crack-wedge in the bathroom of an Applebee's. It’s simply not worth it.

You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work

Until you get the hang of it, you should probably take along a rolling suitcase full of brown clothes everywhere you go, while taking Alli. Luckily, however, turd-colored clothing is in this season; turd is the new vomit.

If co-workers ask about it, there is no shame in telling the truth.

You might be surprised how understanding folks can be if you simply say, “I dress like this to conceal the poop that's constantly soaking through the seat of my pants.”

You may not usually get gassy, but it's a possibility when you take alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens

Showboating is not recommended.

You can use a food journal to recognize what foods can lead to treatment effects. For example, writing down what you eat may help you learn that marinara sauce is a better option than Alfredo sauce

In addition to a handcart full of extra pants designed to camouflage your anal leakage, it might also be a good idea to carry a schematic and information wheel, so you don't repeat past mistakes and have a treatment effect halfway up your back.

I hope this information has proven to be valuable.

I'm sorry...but that, was freakin hilarious lol.

Edit ~ Original Thread:

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/575629-has-anyone-tried-alli?hl=Alli&page=2

So funny, and so so true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

crisanderson27

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
When taking alli, while on a date, it might be advised to have flowers ready...just in case...:flowerforyou:

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

And you DAMN sure couldn't cheap out and take her to McDonalds lol!

foodfight247

:laugh: Ali - ah. Know all about that one when my other half tried it a number of years ago.

All I can say is - NEVER fall victim of the Ali. :-/. NOT good. No people!

Glad that was during one of our phases apart....noooo...:laugh: Sorry just thought of a punch line - toooooo funny!

thiscanbedone

omg!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

and people BELIEVE this !!:noway:

hypallage

Hahaha - getting strange looks, sat laughing in the staffroom reading this!!

avafrisbee

I nearly peed myself laughing! This was great. I especially like "When you think about it ****ing your self is a positive!"

crisanderson27

omg!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

and people BELIEVE this !!:noway:

No kidding, right?

=D

LauraMacNCheese

OMG...I'm dying over here, LMFAO!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: