What's the deal with my friend's reaction?

Buttercupmcgee

I went to dinner with a pal last night. She works out 6 days/week (sometimes twice a day) and is my height, but I have about 30 lbs on her.

I had a steak salad with goat cheese, which is a very unusual restaurant choice for me. I usually go for the burger, the pasta...something comforting and high cal. (Hence my need for MFP...aha!)

The entire night she kept saying things like "Just make sure you don't go overboard. Just make sure you eat enough. How can you be full off that?" (as I clear my plate) "Are you sure you don't want a drink?"

It was very surreal, as I've been candid with her about the weight I've put on, my desire to change my eating patterns, and how I've struggled to eat the right things these past few weeks.

She's not a catty, competitive person (that I know of) but I can't think of another possible explanation for her concern trolling last night over my perfectly balanced, large salad other than some need for her to "win" at being thin.

Sad face.

Anyone have experience with this? Did you say something or just avoid eating with the person?

ETA: That's not me in my avatar, it's just a cute vintage photo I find inspiring. I'm not that thin, by a long shot.

10acity

It is possible your friend just doesn't know a whole lot about nutrition/the caloric values in many foods, and just genuinely didn't think you were eating enough?

I mean, jealousy or some sense of competition could be the motive, but I hate that everyone always jumps to that conclusion around here. "They're just jealous" is probably not the deal in a majority of cases. But you are the one who knows your friend-- has she given you other reasons to think she relishes being "the thin one" enough to attempt to sabatoge your efforts?

LorinaLynn

If she's not a catty person, she might just be showing general concern that you don't go overboard. Maybe she knows that success comes from small changes, not a complete lifestyle overhaul, and going from eating burgers and pasta to a salad might seem to her to be a more extreme change.

Look at how often and how many people who've successfully lost weight on here are telling others to make sure they eat enough.

toriaenator

hmmm i would say she is genuinely concerned...but then again u had steak and goat cheese in it so it was obviously (like u said) well balanced, and a good choice! she might actually not want u to lose weight just so she seems better, i know a lot of girls like that! At the end of the day though, just don't over think it. its ur body, ur lifestyle change and it doesn't matter what anyone else does, do whats right for you haters gona hate.

Tzippy7

weight is a really touchy subject for people. Even if she is not usually catty this may bring out that side of her. I dont want to trash talk your friend though and you obviously know her best. Speaking from personal experience, I have been on both sides of that interaction. If she is used to being the fit one than it might be a hard adjustment for her. Especially if she sees you losing weight and catching up to her. She may feel like your roles are changing. At least thats what has happened in some of my friendships.

2012asv

I can see how that would make the whole evening totally uncomfortable : \ But from what it sounds like, she is just trying to help. Not saying she's doin a great job- but she just seems concerned based on your description.

Also keep in mind that a lot of people have MANY different ideas and perceptions of what losing weight "should be". I've had people give me THE CRAPPIEST advice on how to lost weight. It's crazy. But YOU know your body and what is right for you... So I would say if she was not being a jerk and really just trying to help, just accept it as a friend- and maybe let her in on how you are going about your own journey and emphasize that it's different than her route.

On the other hand, if she was trying to silently trying to rub it in your face that she's ahead of the game, I wouldn't tolerate that. I like POSITIVE things that will help me feel GOOD and keep motivated. Either way, give her another chance until you know for sure what was going on. It might just be in your head.

jak2315

Maybe she's afraid that you'll look better than her. Some people are really insecure. Just do your best. If she's really your friend, she'll support you.

chrystee

I went to dinner with a pal last night. She works out 6 days/week (sometimes twice a day) and is my height, but I have about 30 lbs on her.

I had a steak salad with goat cheese, which is a very unusual restaurant choice for me. I usually go for the burger, the pasta...something comforting and high cal. (Hence my need for MFP...aha!)

The entire night she kept saying things like "Just make sure you don't go overboard. Just make sure you eat enough. How can you be full off that?" (as I clear my plate) "Are you sure you don't want a drink?"

It was very surreal, as I've been candid with her about the weight I've put on, my desire to change my eating patterns, and how I've struggled to eat the right things these past few weeks.

She's not a catty, competitive person (that I know of) but I can't think of another possible explanation for her concern trolling last night over my perfectly balanced, large salad other than some need for her to "win" at being thin.

Sad face.

Anyone have experience with this? Did you say something or just avoid eating with the person?

ETA: That's not me in my avatar, it's just a cute vintage photo I find inspiring. I'm not that thin, by a long shot.

It happens. My friend told me I NEEDED to do something about my weight.. and when I had lost 30 pounds (I have a LOT to lose) she started acting weird and started getting jealous..

Sometimes people don't want you to change.. for whatever reason.

zumbagirlwf

I have to say that I am one of those people that if I see someone losing weight, it makes me step it up. Not usually with friends though, usually if its someone that I don't care for. Maybe she just has a higher metabolism than you and she can easily eat other things and not effect her weight, so she thinks that you would still be hungry after just a salad.

mfpcopine

She could be (even unconsciously) clinging to her role as "the healthy one."

She might be cautioning you not to be so intense about it that you might burn out. But intense is better for some people, and what you ordered sounded reasonable, not esp. intense.

You need to put on blinders and do what works for you.

zellagrrl

My friends have done that out of concern-- my coworkers are doing it now, even though I'm dieting under a strict, prescribed by my doctor regimen (and have politely informed them of that). It's because they care and are concerned-- they want you to succeed, but not at the expense of harming yourself.

mfpcopine

I have to say that I am one of those people that if I see someone losing weight, it makes me step it up. Not usually with friends though, usually if its someone that I don't care for. Maybe she just has a higher metabolism than you and she can easily eat other things and not effect her weight, so she thinks that you would still be hungry after just a salad.

Interesting. If I'm with:

Trim people who are eating healthy, I tend to eat healthy.

Trim people who are eating somewhat healthy (burgers from good meat), I tend to eat somewhat healthy.

Very overweight or obese people who are not eating healthy, I tend to eat healthy.

I haven't worked out all the permutations, but that's how it usually goes.

Sharonanna

is she a good friend who knows that maybe you haven't eaten anything all day? My guess is she is genuinely concerned !

Buttercupmcgee

Thanks everyone, I appreciate your perspective. I don't think she's catty, but I do know that her weight is VERY important to her. She's been known to go on cleanses, she works out constantly, etc. I am going to just give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she was trying to guide me...maybe because she's had a brush or two with disordered eating.

It just becomes tiresome after the third and fourth comment...I guess the real question is how do I get her to nip it in the bud once and for all? I feel like I can't comfortably eat in front of her now.

Thanks again for the support!

Jules2Be

Thanks everyone, I appreciate your perspective. I don't think she's catty, but I do know that her weight is VERY important to her. She's been known to go on cleanses, she works out constantly, etc. I am going to just give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she was trying to guide me...maybe because she's had a brush or two with disordered eating.

It just becomes tiresome after the third and fourth comment...I guess the real question is how do I get her to nip it in the bud once and for all? I feel like I can't comfortably eat in front of her now.

Thanks again for the support!

just come out and say something.
Listen I heard you kthxbye.
Be honest that you get her concern and change the subject.
if she doesnt get it spell it out...real friends dont mind if you say i think i heard u the first 3 times..im good!

cjmas

"Friend, you've mentioned it three times already. I'm fine. Promise. Can we move on?"

Lisseth03

she might actually not want u to lose weight just so she seems better, i know a lot of girls like that!

that is so sad...

EmilyGetsSkinny95

Maybe she just has a higher metabolism than you and she can easily eat other things and not effect her weight, so she thinks that you would still be hungry after just a salad.

^^^^
this.

trimom10

It just becomes tiresome after the third and fourth comment...I guess the real question is how do I get her to nip it in the bud once and for all? I feel like I can't comfortably eat in front of her now.

Maybe you should avoid going out to eat with her for awhile and do something else - go for a walk or shop (but not around the lunch hour).

Aerohead21

Everyone has their own ideas about the right way and the wrong way to lose weight healthily. I'd agree she is genuinely concerned but her methodology may be completely different from yours.

Example: I have a friend who is doing the HCG diet right now. My personal opinion is it is a dangerous fad and though she will lose weight she isn't losing it because of the hormone or in a healthy way. Her opinion is it will be a great jumpstart to her overall diet. Though I disagree and my concern is truly genuine she is a grown woman and can make her own decisions.

My suggestion for you is to speak with your friend acknowledging that while her methods work for her you feel comfortable with how you are doing things. Explain that although you appreciate her concern you'd feel better if she expressed it in a more understanding way as currently you are feeling criticized.

glennstoudt

My friends have done that out of concern-- my coworkers are doing it now, even though I'm dieting under a strict, prescribed by my doctor regimen (and have politely informed them of that). It's because they care and are concerned-- they want you to succeed, but not at the expense of harming yourself.

Interesting topic with no right or wrong answer. Losing weight and eating more healthy foods, less of it, exercising. It is difficult for me to think of how that is bad. There is always the 1% extremes, the bulemics. I think Ghandi probably took the weight loss thing too far back in the day. Avoid the seven deadly sins and we're probably all good. Can't speak for the woman viewpoint, but guys basically don't give a rat's *kitten* about much. You lost weight, great. Awesome. End of discussion. Women would like more information. Reveal it to me, the mystery. Along with the I hate guys it's so easy for them platform. Admittedly, usually with more to lose, and different hormones and genetic body fat numbers, it is. Anyway, my family is amazed I lost 35 pounds and am sticking to it. As my son said to me yesterday, when you do something, you are all in. I took that as a compliment even though it was in response to me commenting to my wife on the amount of sodium in the turkey sausage. I hate that they put so much sodium in everything that is processed. It really limits food choices. My mother, now 86 years young, thinks I am wasting away or I have a dreaded disease that I am not telling her about. So, different viewpoints will always elicit different responses. In the end, we are all doing something good, making the effort, keeping the hospital beds empty, living a more active and fulfilling life.