dear friends: this is my story

Jessicaruby

I am 25 years old. I dont really remember a time when i didnt not worry about my weight. I have never been fat to others but to me i have always thought so. Even though i know i dont weight that much i always focus on my problem areas (my tummy and thighs) and to me they look gross. In high school i weighed 125lbs and thought i needed to lose weight. i starved myself(took up smoking instead of eating) down to 112lbs. then one day i just got so hungry so i ate, and i eventually got back to 125lbs. this seemed to be my magic #. no matter what i always weighed 125lbs.

then i got pregnant at 18 and figured i could eat whatever i want. when i went into labor i weighed 175lbs. After i had my daughter i decided i wanted to get my body back. i didnt exercise or eat healthy, just smaller portions and the pounds started to fall off even though i ate fast food everyday! i got down to 115lbs without even trying. i thought i looked good, everyone else told me i was too skinny.

Then i got pregnant with my son. i got back up to 175lbs. After i had him i freaked out! i wanted my 115lb body back. i didnt care what it took. i was fixated on the number on the scale. i started exercising profusly (about 3x a day 45 min each time) and only eating about 500 cals a day. the weight started to drop quickly so i was pleased. But then i started to realize i had a problem. i was eating so little and exercising so much i would stand up and get really dizzy. at times i thought i would pass out and would have to sit down. if i ate to much(sometimes i would be so hungry and because i restricted what i ate i would binge on junk from vending machines) i would make myself get sick then wonder why i did this to myself. i began researching ALOT on diets and healthy eating and how many calories where in food. i made this big journal about all the info i thought i needed.

Then due to some personal curcamstances i became depressed even more. and found solace in ben and jerrys ice cream. i got up to my highest weight(not being pregnant) at 150lbs. i hated what i was doing. i felt gross. so i started exercising and gave up the ice cream. just walking on the treadmill and lifting minimul weights using the machines. i lost 10lbs quickly. then i started weight watchers i got down to 132lbs. but then got tired of tracking my food and stopped. i ate when i was hungry (not always healthy. i had a love/hate relationship with applebees) and i stayed this weight for about a year.

But i still was not happy with how i looked and i wanted to weigh less. to me it was all about the number on the scale. i had seen in a magazine i read while exercising that there where websites that help you track your intake. i typed this into google and found MFP in january of 2011. i joined that day. i started off with 1480 cals a day plus exercise(but i always made sure to stay under). i started running and doing zumba. i dropped 10lbs and got down to 125lbs and fit into a size 3! i was so happy. then i plaeuted. nothing i did helped. i couldnt lose anymore weight. then all of a sudden i gained 5lbs! i was so discouraged. i became obsessed with tracking calories. i couldnt understand while if i was eating under why i would gain!!!. i uppecd my exercise and started doing zumba and running instead of walking

Then i started making new friends on here and seen alot of muscular women. i began asking them questions and doing some research. i realized its not all about the number on the scale and that there is a difference between being skinny and being fit. I decided i wanted to be strong. i wanted muscules. i wanted to be toned and fit. i decided my best option would be a bulk. so i upped my cals to 2400. i contuined running and doing zumba and started lifting. It felt so good. i bulked for 4months and gained 15lbs and went up to a size 7. i gained muscles i can see some and feel others.

then i started my cut. i countined with my exercise and dropped my cals down to 2000. i wanted to lose slowly to retain muscle mass. i wasnt losing very much so i dropped down to 1900 cals plus exercise. i just went on vacation for 2 weeks and stuffed my face(it was a treat to not have to worry about cals or logging) the first week back i reduced my cals to make up for it. I just lowered my cals down to 1800 to help with losing. and that is where i am at now. i love lifting. i realize the number on the scale is not the most relible to i measure 2x a week and take progress pics once a month. this has been a long journey and i have a LONG ways to go before i get my toned body i am aiming for(my insperation and dream body is Vanessa Tibb on my profile pic) My boyfriend often says that i put exercising and logging ahead of other things( sometimes this may be true.) i have had an unhealthy body image for so long i am determined to reach my goals. and damn it i will get there..... its just a bit of a longer process then i expected.

love4fitnesslove4food_wechange

Thank you for sharing your story!! You will get to your goal weight/body. Just be patient and trust in the process.you've come so far and resorting to unhealthy means to reach your goals is just not in the picture. I'm here for you every step of the way beautiful!! Just reach out when you're struggling and I will talk you through it!! ((hugs))

Jessicaruby

thank you! you are always so helpful and insperational

lisakyle_11

thanks for writing and sharing this, Jessica. you will get the body you are working for. i am certain that the one your are working with is beautiful. i can relate to a lot of your experiences regarding the unhealthy body image, etc... you are doing amazing at keeping things real and working on this the healthy way while trying to stay sane. best wishes and know that i am here!