Are "men afraid of commitment"? Not that simple.

mauryr

Men are often broadly accused of being "afraid of commitment" - to the point that it is a cultural stereotype.

I think that men frequently don't desire commitment. This is not the same as being "afraid" of commitment.

I don't "desire" a shirt that doesn't fit in lieu of another, but I'm not "afraid" of it.
I don't "desire" to see a certain movie in lieu of another, but I'm not "afraid" of it.

You may say that in the above examples, the stakes are too low, or they're too simplistic, or they're not "romantic". I think that the argument still holds.

Deciding that the cost of the commitment is too high for the associated benefit doesn't make someone "afraid". It makes them thoughtful, instead of foolish. This might not be "romantic", but it's accurate. And I believe that every man (and woman) makes this calculation on one level or another (that is - consciously or subconsciously), when posed with the situation.

If at some point, or perhaps in some other relationship, the benefit outweighs the cost, then commitment is in line (at least for the party that makes this judgement).

Why do men get accused of being fearful, a negative trait, for making this type of difficult decision? It seems to me that either decision - commit or leave - is a brave one, because there are also risks associated with each choice.

I believe that the converse of this argument is also true - in the case where women aren't desiring commitment - but this is not a female stereotype.

Anyone care to comment on having committed when you thought you shouldn't have? What was the outcome?
What about not committing when you thought you should have? What was that outcome?

Discuss amongst yourselves.

sunrise611

I think it happens often that people commit when they shouldn't or don't commit when they should and regret it.

I agree that you aren't "afraid" of commitment if you don't "want" one, especially if someone has been married and divorced and wants to be careful and avoid that happening again.

However, people need to be careful not to rush into the attributes of a committed relationship if they aren't willing or ready to assume the responsibilities of one. Otherwise, feelings are hurt .

That's why it's always a good idea to take relationships slowly and not rush things or give mixed signals unless there is a mutual understanding and agreement of a casual, "no-strings-attached" relationship.

Of course, it's late and I'm tired and don't know if I'm making any sense.

neverstray

Generally, women want to see a progression in the relationship. For the most part, men are happy with the way things are. When the man won't buy a ring, he's "fearful of commitment". The truth is, he doesn't see a reason to change anything, which from my POV, is right on.

Saruman_w

Well I've never been given the chance to demonstrate it since I've been alone forever. But if ever one day I manage to actually find someone I want to be with and feel it is the right one I don't think I'd be hesitant to commit.

NicoWoodruff

Have been in the relationship where the guy wouldn't commit at all. Have been in the relationship where the guy was trying too hard to commit. So I'm no help at all I'm afraid.

Especially since I've been told I'm an "honorary guy" in some ways even though I'm a woman.. (I hate chick flicks!!!)

WickedGarden

Back a long time ago, when I was young and free-wheeling, I didn't want a relationship, just male companionship. Didn't want the whole emotional attachment thing. I was dating a guy at the time, and he said "I don't think you know what you really want". He didn't want me to be his girlfriend (I asked him point blank). So just to make things less complicated, I quit seeing him.

Bah, maybe I was harsh to just leave things so abruptly, things could have been different, but I had recently gotten out of a really bad abusive relationship. I do regret leaving, we got along really well. But who was more afraid of commitment? Him or me?

In some ways I still feel like I don't really want the commitment thing, but I understand the whole 'security' thing it can provide, there will always be someone there for you, someone to talk to, someone to support you. I don't really trust women, so I don't have any close female friends, I'd much rather have close male friends, but guys don't usually just want to be a girl's "friend".

OSC_ESD

~ I heard that word for the first time today .... good thing I was sitting down !!! LOL !!! :laugh:

ahsongbird

Funny thing about me, I've never had a guy not want to commit to me hahaha, I was the free spirit in every relationship which I think might be what made them want to commit even more :P I went as far as to tell my now husband, not to say I love you to me. I didn't want to hear it even if he meant it, I didn't feel ready for that type of commitment and made that perfectly clear, but yet again he ended up saying it anyway and somehow we ended up getting married and one day I was just like "wait, wtf just happened?" hahahaha

kymillion

Generally, women want to see a progression in the relationship. For the most part, men are happy with the way things are. When the man won't buy a ring, he's "fearful of commitment". The truth is, he doesn't see a reason to change anything, which from my POV, is right on.

for me that's not true... the importance for me IS WHERE I am in the relationship .. if he loves me and he knows, and I know ..
I could care less what goes on ,... when in doubt I FREAK OUT. I dunno why...

same reason dogs pee over and over again on the same spots I guess,.. if I know your heart is here.. I could care less what or where your penis is. ..matter a fact maybe I want in too.. lol.

NicoWoodruff

.. and thinking about it, I've also been the person who did want to commit.. and the one who didn't want to commit before too in separate situations. lol.

zinok

I'd just like to say that from my personal experience, most men want committment. Several boys who I just wanted a fling with turned things more serious, weren't content with fwb, and wanted to go to the next level in the relationship.
So... I've never found the stereotype to hold true.

Fieldsy

Nothing is better than coming home to a girl everyday while she is cooking up something great in the kitchen.

I think I wanted to get married when I was like 4 years old lol