Frustrated with friend...warning it's a rant.

saraann4

So I am chatting with my friend this morning (who is heavy) and we are discussing weight loss. I have invited her to join me in my fitness classes, given her this website, talked about what I am doing that is working, showed her a few websites that have easy quick cheap meals that she make for her family. It is one road block after the next. My husband doesn't like that, it's too expensive to eat healthy, no one wants to see my 300 lb body shaking it, it hurts my knees to work out. She said this morning I need to find someone that I can lose weight with. :grumble: WTH!!! I said, I would love to be your partner. She said no, you are already skinny, you don't count. Gee, thanks! :ohwell:

First off, your friend has to WANT to change. Doesn't seem like she wants to change. I agree that it is expensive to eat healthy, BUT I am saving money considering I used to spend $25-40 a day on fast food. Now, the last time I went food shopping which was last friday, I spent $70. Big savings!

Also, I can kind of understand on how she might not want to do things with you because like you said she said that "you are already skinny". I don't want to work out with anybody who is skinnier than me except my mother. My mother weighs much less than I do. She doesn't push me verbally, but she does in a weird way. For instance, when we take a walk with the dogs, she can definately walk faster than me and she will walk behind me so I know I have to keep up the pace. I wouldn't take it bad if I were you, she did say you were skinny! Maybe sometime in the near future she will come to you and ask you for advice? maybe? lol Maybe not, but that's my perspective

ishallnotwant

Its been my experience that when some one lashes out like that, when you get down to the meat of it, they are afraid of something. Usually they are afraid they are going to lose something they have or they are not going to get something they want. I would hazard a guess to say, she's afraid she won't be successful at weight loss. Then what does she do. Of course she is going to lash out at you. Not only are you her friend, but you are being successfully at your weight loss.

Yep...she might be scared to fail or scared that she won't be as successful as you have been.

I agree...and judging by her "nobody wants to see me shake it comment" it sounds like she is extremely self-conscious. Good on you for being a supportive friend though. maybe just keep on offering (I mean, on occasion, not completely harassing or anything :laugh: ) and one day she will want to work out with you? Do you think she would maybe just take a walk with you each day at the beginning? Maybe once she actually sees a pound or two come off, it might make a world of difference in her level of confidence and she might actually think it's doable...

ScarletShopaholic

Having a similar situation with a friend of mine, every excuse going why she can't do this or that to lose weight, I think she is just not ready to start. I used to think 'what's the point, I've got so much to lose, I'll fail, so why even try'. People will only do it when they are ready. Some people are never going to be ready. I do find myself thinking I wish she would do it, we could do so much more together if she did - she restricts what we do because she can't walk far, doesn't like crowded places. I know how she feels because I used to feel that way.

I'm also worried because she has health issues and really does need to be healthier. She was really angry the other day because the doctor told her she's pre diabetic, and has something else wrong that affects the liver, and she said I've got to eat f*****g salads, like it was the doctor's fault she had gotten so big. I wanted to say well don't do it then, keep eating what you like and you know what will happen. I didn't I just said it doesn't have to just be salad and veg. I wanted to say stop eating so much junk and just eat normal meals and the weight will drop off initially. My mouth stayed shut because I didn't want to come across all 'big headed losing weight b***h. I sometimes worry our very good friendship won't survive if she doesn't lose weight too. Not because of me, because I think she resents me losing weight. She has even said to me on occasions 'you never talk about food anymore' lol it used to be a favourite topic and she sounded really sad when she said it.

I've really wanted to get this off my chest for the last couple of days and your post gave me the excuse. Sorry for hijacking.

Will_Lift_4_Shoes

Having a similar situation with a friend of mine, every excuse going why she can't do this or that to lose weight, I think she is just not ready to start. I used to think 'what's the point, I've got so much to lose, I'll fail, so why even try'. People will only do it when they are ready. Some people are never going to be ready. I do find myself thinking I wish she would do it, we could do so much more together if she did - she restricts what we do because she can't walk far, doesn't like crowded places. I know how she feels because I used to feel that way.

I'm also worried because she has health issues and really does need to be healthier. She was really angry the other day because the doctor told her she's pre diabetic, and has something else wrong that affects the liver, and she said I've got to eat f*****g salads, like it was the doctor's fault she had gotten so big. I wanted to say well don't do it then, keep eating what you like and you know what will happen. I didn't I just said it doesn't have to just be salad and veg. I wanted to say stop eating so much junk and just eat normal meals and the weight will drop off initially. My mouth stayed shut because I didn't want to come across all 'big headed losing weight b***h. I sometimes worry our very good friendship won't survive if she doesn't lose weight too. Not because of me, because I think she resents me losing weight. She has even said to me on occasions 'you never talk about food anymore' lol it used to be a favourite topic and she sounded really sad when she said it.

I've really wanted to get this off my chest for the last couple of days and your post gave me the excuse. Sorry for hijacking.

I don't think you hijacked my post. :-) its nice to know someone else feels the way I do. I am worried to because I don't want to go to all you can eat buffets or out to high calorie places. I really want to do more active things and she can't cuz of the weight. I have friends from my workout classes but they aren't calling on the weekends to get together if ya know what I mean. It is going to take her coming to terms with where she is and loving herself enough to finally want to make the change. And for the record ...I want to see her "shake it" in my class. I think to me that is more inspiration than watching the ultra fit ponytailed blonde leading the class. My hats off to those that swallow their pride and go to class. Its not about waking up one morning in the body you dream of its about all the changes you make now so you can achieve the body you deserve. There is so much more to life than just being overweight.

Rocking_Robin

I applaud you for what you are doing for your friend even though she is not too open to it...I have a few friends that I have tried to support as well but have backed off some, one of my friends just started WW.
Good Luck!!

iwantahealthierme13

I tried to share this with my best friend too, she's smaller than me but has gained about 10 pounds every year for the last 3 and she used to be skinny (size 4-6) and eat healthy. Her knees are getting really bad and they can't support her weight anymore, neither can her tiny child's size (size 2) feet but I can't get her on board with me AT ALL. Guess she's not ready.

ProudMomToTwo

Although my situation isn't exactly like yours, it still rang true for me to read your post.
To be honest, your friend doesn't sound like she is ready to do the work and make the commitment.
We all have to get to that point or have that AH- HA moment on our own - that I know for a fact.
I think you will be there for her when she gets there and you will be supportive whether she does it on her own or gets help through a gym/nutritionist/trainer or buddies up with someone else that's closer in size to her.

I have a friend that is always telling me how desperately she wants to lose weight ( about 20 lbs ) but she isn't willing to make the changes necessary. She won't change her eating habits, doesn't make the time to exercise, and doesn't get enough rest or water. She is constantly running to one doctor or another for some ache or pain.
I find it incredibly frustrating to talk to her b/c I am like you and feel like if you are miserable, then change it - otherwise quit complaining.
I know her complaints and I know a change in diet, exercise, less stress, and more rest and water would solve a lot of it.
I decided to just be a supportive friend when she says she wants to do it right. I am not convinced she will ever change anything though.

Equally frustrating is another friend, we lost touch for about a yr but recently reconnected, and she is losing weight and trying to do it the right way. YAY I was so excited to have a local friend to talk to about diet and clean recipes and exercise and body fat and all that. She even invited us out to Zumba with her. My kids & I had a lot of fun doing that even though she was always putting herself down ( making fun of herself ). She is quite a bit heavier than I am and carries her wt differently ( pear shape ).
I don't know what happened exactly. She got Slim 6 and I got TurboFire and I wanted to keep doing Zumba to mix it up so we wouldn't get bored but she has fizzled out and stopped asking us to come Zumba 2x/week. I don't know if she just has to focus on one goal at a time ( slim 6 ) or what exactly....

I didn't mean to hijack your post but I guess I wanted you to know you aren't alone in these types of struggles.

Will_Lift_4_Shoes

Thanks everyone. I really enjoyed reading everyone's responses. Loving others is really what we all need to do. When my friend truly commits and makes the changes she needs to be healthier I will support her 100%. for now I will just give her the space and the kind ear to bend.

cloud2011

Whoops

katrinaloveslunar

As someone who weighs a lot, I know this story from your friend's side. Two years ago, I was rushed to the hospital - they told me I was hyper-tensive, diabetic, and I needed a blood transfusion (due to my cancer, which was undiagnosed at the time). The doctor prescribed me a bunch of pills and told me to lose 200 lbs immediately. I said, "Yeah, I'll get on that." (note the sarcasm). Losing that much weight seems insurmountable! It's like saying, "Hey, let's climb Everest this weekend." It's not just scary, it's hard to know where to begin. I've had loving friends like you all my life. The suggestions and ideas are great but they are overwhelming. Losing that much weight requires a major change in lifestyle, and everyone knows change is hard. It's not laziness; it's being petrified of the unknown. I have been fat all my life. I've never known what it is like to be thin. So when you're faced with an overwhelming fear of the unknown, you cling to normalcy and your favourite recliner with a bag of chips and a diet Coke.

I know my friends have been frustrated with me. I know because there are many days when I'm frustrated with myself. Start small. Setting a small goal & betting on it worked for me. I bet my friend that I would work out for at least 20 minutes 5 days a week. If I didn't do it, I'd owe her $50. However, I wouldn't start like that with your friend. Pick a small change she could easily make (like not eating chips for a week), if she does it, take her out for frozen yogurt or another healthier snack.

No matter what happens, she's really lucky to have a friend like you. Always remember to have fun with your friends )

Elizabeth_C34

So I am chatting with my friend this morning (who is heavy) and we are discussing weight loss. I have invited her to join me in my fitness classes, given her this website, talked about what I am doing that is working, showed her a few websites that have easy quick cheap meals that she make for her family. It is one road block after the next. My husband doesn't like that, it's too expensive to eat healthy, no one wants to see my 300 lb body shaking it, it hurts my knees to work out. She said this morning I need to find someone that I can lose weight with. :grumble: WTH!!! I said, I would love to be your partner. She said no, you are already skinny, you don't count. Gee, thanks! :ohwell:

Sounds like she didn't want to hear it, and you kept at it anyway.

Let it go, and talk about other things with her instead. Don't lose a friendship over something like this. It's her choice whether she wants to drop the weight or not. Pushing and talking about it all the time doesn't do anything but make her feel bad about herself for not wanting to do it.

Will_Lift_4_Shoes

As someone who weighs a lot, I know this story from your friend's side. Two years ago, I was rushed to the hospital - they told me I was hyper-tensive, diabetic, and I needed a blood transfusion (due to my cancer, which was undiagnosed at the time). The doctor prescribed me a bunch of pills and told me to lose 200 lbs immediately. I said, "Yeah, I'll get on that." (note the sarcasm). Losing that much weight seems insurmountable! It's like saying, "Hey, let's climb Everest this weekend." It's not just scary, it's hard to know where to begin. I've had loving friends like you all my life. The suggestions and ideas are great but they are overwhelming. Losing that much weight requires a major change in lifestyle, and everyone knows change is hard. It's not laziness; it's being petrified of the unknown. I have been fat all my life. I've never known what it is like to be thin. So when you're faced with an overwhelming fear of the unknown, you cling to normalcy and your favourite recliner with a bag of chips and a diet Coke.

I know my friends have been frustrated with me. I know because there are many days when I'm frustrated with myself. Start small. Setting a small goal & betting on it worked for me. I bet my friend that I would work out for at least 20 minutes 5 days a week. If I didn't do it, I'd owe her $50. However, I wouldn't start like that with your friend. Pick a small change she could easily make (like not eating chips for a week), if she does it, take her out for frozen yogurt or another healthier snack.

No matter what happens, she's really lucky to have a friend like you. Always remember to have fun with your friends )

Thanks for sharing that. As someone who has not been that overweight ever I know it is harder for me to understand where she is coming from. I genuinely care for her and just want her to be happy in her own skin. (maybe she is and I am just not seeing it because I would not be happy in that skin....food for thought..hmmmm) Your are right with the bet thing...I don't think it would work. She isn't really competitive so that isnt her style. I am working on letting go and letting God right now on this one. She will make the changes when she is ready. That may be never, but it is ok either way. I love her and will keep being her friend no matter what she weighs.

jllipson

Some simple things to try - invite her over for dinner - but don't cook until she arrives - find a super simple, delicious, quick and healthy recipe. Don't do it as a here, see how simple this is... do it as a "can you cut this, or rinse that" type of involvement from her. When she sees how quick and easy a simple, but healthy recipe can be - and how filling they can be, maybe she will understand. Rid your house of anything she might grab as a topping to change the taste too.

On the same day or at other times, get her to go shopping or someplace where you can strategically park further away and get her to walk with you (of course, you will have to pick her up for this to work). Go at her pace, don't leave her behind. If she questions where you park, just tell her, it gives you a chance to walk out the car ride or something. Stop for breaks if necessary. You get some exercise in, and you show her it's not that bad to get started.

With summer coming, try to plan some park outings with her. We have some parks near where I live, where they have different areas, you can park near 1, but (especially if either of you have children) tell her, let's go check out the other play area - walking to if of course. And of course lunch is packed with lots of healthy foods. Pack her extras of the fruits and veggies, so she can feel fuller (as she will likely want to - to also keep her from stopping at a drive thru when she leaves you!)

These are ways you can encourage her without slamming it into her face - as she will hopefully see it more as the way you eat now, and not a a here she goes again (or whatever her thoughts may be).

missa0208

Don't take it personal, sounds like shes just making a bunch of excuses ! If she was determined to lose the weight she would take in what info & tools you gave her and worked them around to her needs.

lexidell46

being a survivor of abuse (sexual.physical and mental). I used food as comfort.Also an unconscious.fat buffer to keep people from getting to close to me. So there may be other underlying issues at hand. that she is not ready to deal with. Just fix her some foods that are healthy when you eat together, that do not look like the traditional diet food most think of. good luck.

Will_Lift_4_Shoes

Some simple things to try - invite her over for dinner - but don't cook until she arrives - find a super simple, delicious, quick and healthy recipe. Don't do it as a here, see how simple this is... do it as a "can you cut this, or rinse that" type of involvement from her. When she sees how quick and easy a simple, but healthy recipe can be - and how filling they can be, maybe she will understand. Rid your house of anything she might grab as a topping to change the taste too.

On the same day or at other times, get her to go shopping or someplace where you can strategically park further away and get her to walk with you (of course, you will have to pick her up for this to work). Go at her pace, don't leave her behind. If she questions where you park, just tell her, it gives you a chance to walk out the car ride or something. Stop for breaks if necessary. You get some exercise in, and you show her it's not that bad to get started.

With summer coming, try to plan some park outings with her. We have some parks near where I live, where they have different areas, you can park near 1, but (especially if either of you have children) tell her, let's go check out the other play area - walking to if of course. And of course lunch is packed with lots of healthy foods. Pack her extras of the fruits and veggies, so she can feel fuller (as she will likely want to - to also keep her from stopping at a drive thru when she leaves you!)

These are ways you can encourage her without slamming it into her face - as she will hopefully see it more as the way you eat now, and not a a here she goes again (or whatever her thoughts may be).

These are fantastic suggestions!!! I think I will try that. We love to get together with our families and play games and have dinner. I will definiately do the dinner suggestion. I can even think of some that are kid friendly so her kids could help make it. My kids love to help me in the kitchen.

This makes me feel hopeful about how to help her without being pushy and overbearing. I dont want her to ever feel like I am shoving it in her face about how to be healthy and more in shape.

Thank you, thank you for your help!

weighlossforbaby

You're a great friend and trying to help her but it seems like she has to make this choice herself.

TeaRexParty

I also am severely overweight and have been my entire life. So not to be funny and I'm not saying that your advice isn't valid, but I think you're not understanding it from her perspective. If you're friend is very overweight and has been for a while, her mindset is in a completely different place. She may really want to lose the weight but scared to death she can't so it's easier not to start at all.

This is going to be a weird analogy but I kind of think its like two people who need to clean their house. For the first person its not a big deal for them because they know they've let things go a bit but one good run at it over the weekend and all will be back in place. Then picture the second person trying to have that same approach and mentality if they're house was just nominated for the next episode of hoarders. Then ask yourself which person you're most likely to find overwhelmed and crying on their front steps, lol

And I don't know your friend so this may be way off but here's something else to consider. If she's had other people also try to help her, some may not have been so well intentioned or even if they were, could have really hurt her and she may not be comfortable letting you help her. When you hit the "obese" or even "morbidly obese" category its like we're wearing our shame on the outside for everyone to judge. And plenty of people out there are quick to do that and make people who are very heavy feel they are not equal with their thinner counterparts.

And this may sound silly to you but I know intelligently that I am a very loyal and good friend but I always have self esteem issues because of my weight and feel not good enough for my friends because of it. So me personally, when I've had friends who lost a few pounds try to help me, not only did I feel they didn't understand but it only made me feel more beneath them and like I was their charity case. I try to not be sensative or uncomfortable when I know people are trying to help but its hard not to be when I've had so many people in my life be downright abusive about my weight.

So yea....not sure about your friend but I know I bring alot of emotional baggage with me when it comes to this. I bet she's just uncomfortable but I guarantee she's not trying to hurt you. Also I didn't see what she said the way you did. She said she wants somebody to lose weight with and said you don't count because you're already skinny. Well she's got a point....hard to lose weight WITH another person if they don't have any weight left to lose.

FORIANN

Your only real option here is to kidnap her. This is going to complicate your life and there will likely be legal fees involved....big ones, but why not?

CourtneayB2010

It sounds like she doesn't actually want to loose.
As we all know, the journey is scary. Wouldn't it be great if we could just loose without the possibility of failing? hah
Let her know you're there for her any time she needs it, and that she is welcome to come to you if she ever wants advice.
However, I would slow down or stop with all the websites. Maybe she feels like you're trying to show off? (Like, "Look! I can do it! Why can't you?!") I know that is not your intention at all, but I've been in your friend's shoes many times, and sometimes it feels that way.
Weight loss is something you really have to decide on yourself. And start yourself.

I agree! I have been trying to get people to do the journey with me and they just werent ready but you can't force them too either, just the same way years ago people wanted me to lose weight with them and here I am come May finally starting it myself.