Frustrated with friend...warning it's a rant.

Elizabeth_C34

So I am chatting with my friend this morning (who is heavy) and we are discussing weight loss. I have invited her to join me in my fitness classes, given her this website, talked about what I am doing that is working, showed her a few websites that have easy quick cheap meals that she make for her family. It is one road block after the next. My husband doesn't like that, it's too expensive to eat healthy, no one wants to see my 300 lb body shaking it, it hurts my knees to work out. She said this morning I need to find someone that I can lose weight with. :grumble: WTH!!! I said, I would love to be your partner. She said no, you are already skinny, you don't count. Gee, thanks! :ohwell:

Sounds like she didn't want to hear it, and you kept at it anyway.

Let it go, and talk about other things with her instead. Don't lose a friendship over something like this. It's her choice whether she wants to drop the weight or not. Pushing and talking about it all the time doesn't do anything but make her feel bad about herself for not wanting to do it.

Will_Lift_4_Shoes

As someone who weighs a lot, I know this story from your friend's side. Two years ago, I was rushed to the hospital - they told me I was hyper-tensive, diabetic, and I needed a blood transfusion (due to my cancer, which was undiagnosed at the time). The doctor prescribed me a bunch of pills and told me to lose 200 lbs immediately. I said, "Yeah, I'll get on that." (note the sarcasm). Losing that much weight seems insurmountable! It's like saying, "Hey, let's climb Everest this weekend." It's not just scary, it's hard to know where to begin. I've had loving friends like you all my life. The suggestions and ideas are great but they are overwhelming. Losing that much weight requires a major change in lifestyle, and everyone knows change is hard. It's not laziness; it's being petrified of the unknown. I have been fat all my life. I've never known what it is like to be thin. So when you're faced with an overwhelming fear of the unknown, you cling to normalcy and your favourite recliner with a bag of chips and a diet Coke.

I know my friends have been frustrated with me. I know because there are many days when I'm frustrated with myself. Start small. Setting a small goal & betting on it worked for me. I bet my friend that I would work out for at least 20 minutes 5 days a week. If I didn't do it, I'd owe her $50. However, I wouldn't start like that with your friend. Pick a small change she could easily make (like not eating chips for a week), if she does it, take her out for frozen yogurt or another healthier snack.

No matter what happens, she's really lucky to have a friend like you. Always remember to have fun with your friends )

Thanks for sharing that. As someone who has not been that overweight ever I know it is harder for me to understand where she is coming from. I genuinely care for her and just want her to be happy in her own skin. (maybe she is and I am just not seeing it because I would not be happy in that skin....food for thought..hmmmm) Your are right with the bet thing...I don't think it would work. She isn't really competitive so that isnt her style. I am working on letting go and letting God right now on this one. She will make the changes when she is ready. That may be never, but it is ok either way. I love her and will keep being her friend no matter what she weighs.

jllipson

Some simple things to try - invite her over for dinner - but don't cook until she arrives - find a super simple, delicious, quick and healthy recipe. Don't do it as a here, see how simple this is... do it as a "can you cut this, or rinse that" type of involvement from her. When she sees how quick and easy a simple, but healthy recipe can be - and how filling they can be, maybe she will understand. Rid your house of anything she might grab as a topping to change the taste too.

On the same day or at other times, get her to go shopping or someplace where you can strategically park further away and get her to walk with you (of course, you will have to pick her up for this to work). Go at her pace, don't leave her behind. If she questions where you park, just tell her, it gives you a chance to walk out the car ride or something. Stop for breaks if necessary. You get some exercise in, and you show her it's not that bad to get started.

With summer coming, try to plan some park outings with her. We have some parks near where I live, where they have different areas, you can park near 1, but (especially if either of you have children) tell her, let's go check out the other play area - walking to if of course. And of course lunch is packed with lots of healthy foods. Pack her extras of the fruits and veggies, so she can feel fuller (as she will likely want to - to also keep her from stopping at a drive thru when she leaves you!)

These are ways you can encourage her without slamming it into her face - as she will hopefully see it more as the way you eat now, and not a a here she goes again (or whatever her thoughts may be).

missa0208

Don't take it personal, sounds like shes just making a bunch of excuses ! If she was determined to lose the weight she would take in what info & tools you gave her and worked them around to her needs.

lexidell46

being a survivor of abuse (sexual.physical and mental). I used food as comfort.Also an unconscious.fat buffer to keep people from getting to close to me. So there may be other underlying issues at hand. that she is not ready to deal with. Just fix her some foods that are healthy when you eat together, that do not look like the traditional diet food most think of. good luck.

Will_Lift_4_Shoes

Some simple things to try - invite her over for dinner - but don't cook until she arrives - find a super simple, delicious, quick and healthy recipe. Don't do it as a here, see how simple this is... do it as a "can you cut this, or rinse that" type of involvement from her. When she sees how quick and easy a simple, but healthy recipe can be - and how filling they can be, maybe she will understand. Rid your house of anything she might grab as a topping to change the taste too.

On the same day or at other times, get her to go shopping or someplace where you can strategically park further away and get her to walk with you (of course, you will have to pick her up for this to work). Go at her pace, don't leave her behind. If she questions where you park, just tell her, it gives you a chance to walk out the car ride or something. Stop for breaks if necessary. You get some exercise in, and you show her it's not that bad to get started.

With summer coming, try to plan some park outings with her. We have some parks near where I live, where they have different areas, you can park near 1, but (especially if either of you have children) tell her, let's go check out the other play area - walking to if of course. And of course lunch is packed with lots of healthy foods. Pack her extras of the fruits and veggies, so she can feel fuller (as she will likely want to - to also keep her from stopping at a drive thru when she leaves you!)

These are ways you can encourage her without slamming it into her face - as she will hopefully see it more as the way you eat now, and not a a here she goes again (or whatever her thoughts may be).

These are fantastic suggestions!!! I think I will try that. We love to get together with our families and play games and have dinner. I will definiately do the dinner suggestion. I can even think of some that are kid friendly so her kids could help make it. My kids love to help me in the kitchen.

This makes me feel hopeful about how to help her without being pushy and overbearing. I dont want her to ever feel like I am shoving it in her face about how to be healthy and more in shape.

Thank you, thank you for your help!

weighlossforbaby

You're a great friend and trying to help her but it seems like she has to make this choice herself.

TeaRexParty

I also am severely overweight and have been my entire life. So not to be funny and I'm not saying that your advice isn't valid, but I think you're not understanding it from her perspective. If you're friend is very overweight and has been for a while, her mindset is in a completely different place. She may really want to lose the weight but scared to death she can't so it's easier not to start at all.

This is going to be a weird analogy but I kind of think its like two people who need to clean their house. For the first person its not a big deal for them because they know they've let things go a bit but one good run at it over the weekend and all will be back in place. Then picture the second person trying to have that same approach and mentality if they're house was just nominated for the next episode of hoarders. Then ask yourself which person you're most likely to find overwhelmed and crying on their front steps, lol

And I don't know your friend so this may be way off but here's something else to consider. If she's had other people also try to help her, some may not have been so well intentioned or even if they were, could have really hurt her and she may not be comfortable letting you help her. When you hit the "obese" or even "morbidly obese" category its like we're wearing our shame on the outside for everyone to judge. And plenty of people out there are quick to do that and make people who are very heavy feel they are not equal with their thinner counterparts.

And this may sound silly to you but I know intelligently that I am a very loyal and good friend but I always have self esteem issues because of my weight and feel not good enough for my friends because of it. So me personally, when I've had friends who lost a few pounds try to help me, not only did I feel they didn't understand but it only made me feel more beneath them and like I was their charity case. I try to not be sensative or uncomfortable when I know people are trying to help but its hard not to be when I've had so many people in my life be downright abusive about my weight.

So yea....not sure about your friend but I know I bring alot of emotional baggage with me when it comes to this. I bet she's just uncomfortable but I guarantee she's not trying to hurt you. Also I didn't see what she said the way you did. She said she wants somebody to lose weight with and said you don't count because you're already skinny. Well she's got a point....hard to lose weight WITH another person if they don't have any weight left to lose.

FORIANN

Your only real option here is to kidnap her. This is going to complicate your life and there will likely be legal fees involved....big ones, but why not?

CourtneayB2010

It sounds like she doesn't actually want to loose.
As we all know, the journey is scary. Wouldn't it be great if we could just loose without the possibility of failing? hah
Let her know you're there for her any time she needs it, and that she is welcome to come to you if she ever wants advice.
However, I would slow down or stop with all the websites. Maybe she feels like you're trying to show off? (Like, "Look! I can do it! Why can't you?!") I know that is not your intention at all, but I've been in your friend's shoes many times, and sometimes it feels that way.
Weight loss is something you really have to decide on yourself. And start yourself.

I agree! I have been trying to get people to do the journey with me and they just werent ready but you can't force them too either, just the same way years ago people wanted me to lose weight with them and here I am come May finally starting it myself.

ninerbuff

Look at it from her point of view. She heavy, unconfident, unmotivated, scared and more. When a close friend or family member intercedes with their personal issue, they may feel that they are under the microscope and also that they are being observed.
So let's say that they take it on a fail miserably. No doubt you'll still be her friend, but she may feel shame and feel inferior to you every time you would come around. No one wants to fail in front of their family or closest friends.
This may be why she's looking for "someone" to do it with.
I train many females who start off overweight and lots of times their husbands or family members are also members of the gym. When I ask if they want them to join on a 2 on 1 session, they decline most of the time not because of the money, but because they feel uncomfortable working out with them.
Don't take it personally. IMO, I believe it's a natural reaction.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

ChasingSweatandTears

You know why you don't count? Because misery loves company and you are not miserable, therefore she doesn't want your company If she really wants to make a change, she will. The pain has to get to a point where it's more uncomfortable than the fear of change or failure. I am saying this because I'm going through the same thing with one of my friends, but it's not weight loss related.

You have done the right thing by offering your support, but yes it's up to her. I don't mean to sound harsh.

TeaRexParty

Your only real option here is to kidnap her. This is going to complicate your life and there will likely be legal fees involved....big ones, but why not?

LOL

imbanter

Thanks everyone!!! This is why I joined this site. The support is great. I know she will have to make the decision to lose the weight on her own. Just becuase I don't have more than 100 lbs to lose doesn't make my weight loss journey any more or less difficult or momentus (check the spelling there). I am happy that I have lost the 15 pounds that I have. They have been hard won after counting calories and working out. It isn't easy (for anyone really) to lose weight and I have only wanted to share with her what has worked for me. I am a firm believer though if you don't like something either change it or shut up. Right now, I want to just tell her to shut up. But that isn't helpful for her so I zipped my lip and posted a topic :-D

You've planted the seed. Now drop it and just be, her friend so she doesn't feel pressured. It's not unlike someone who had found religion or became a representative in a pyramid scheme and after a while you kind of dred seeing them. It sounds like she simply isn't ready for a change.

ninerbuff

I also am severely overweight and have been my entire life. So not to be funny and I'm not saying that your advice isn't valid, but I think you're not understanding it from her perspective. If you're friend is very overweight and has been for a while, her mindset is in a completely different place. She may really want to lose the weight but scared to death she can't so it's easier not to start at all.

This is going to be a weird analogy but I kind of think its like two people who need to clean their house. For the first person its not a big deal for them because they know they've let things go a bit but one good run at it over the weekend and all will be back in place. Then picture the second person trying to have that same approach and mentality if they're house was just nominated for the next episode of hoarders. Then ask yourself which person you're most likely to find overwhelmed and crying on their front steps, lol

And I don't know your friend so this may be way off but here's something else to consider. If she's had other people also try to help her, some may not have been so well intentioned or even if they were, could have really hurt her and she may not be comfortable letting you help her. When you hit the "obese" or even "morbidly obese" category its like we're wearing our shame on the outside for everyone to judge. And plenty of people out there are quick to do that and make people who are very heavy feel they are not equal with their thinner counterparts.

And this may sound silly to you but I know intelligently that I am a very loyal and good friend but I always have self esteem issues because of my weight and feel not good enough for my friends because of it. So me personally, when I've had friends who lost a few pounds try to help me, not only did I feel they didn't understand but it only made me feel more beneath them and like I was their charity case. I try to not be sensative or uncomfortable when I know people are trying to help but its hard not to be when I've had so many people in my life be downright abusive about my weight.

So yea....not sure about your friend but I know I bring alot of emotional baggage with me when it comes to this. I bet she's just uncomfortable but I guarantee she's not trying to hurt you.

I've seen this and understand. Part of the reason why I love being a PT. Having no real "personal" connection makes it easier for the client to focus on themselves and not worry about how someone close to them will think if they can't do that push up, suck at squats etc.
As a trainer, I've seen bad form, people crying, people throw up, etc. and guess what? They come back for more because I believe that they know I'm there to help them with their goal. I NEVER get too personal with clients because I never want them to feel that they have to feel embarrassed or that I'll ever judge them.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition