I sometimes really hate my boyfriend

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  • hasiangirl
    hasiangirl Posts: 1,613
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    This is none of my business but I just wanted to tell you I can relate . My ex husband used to work about 6 months out of the year and took voluntary layoff every winter so he could stay home and play playstation even though we could not afford it. I had to work 10 hours OT each week to make up for it. He had a very similar attitude to your BF and did not clean, cook, or even take out the trash. He stayed out all night on the weekends and would not stay with our daugthers so I could run errands or go work out or otherwise do anything for myself. I found out he was having an affair and around the same time, I lost my job. I was overweight, unemployed, and otherwise miserable. I was only 23 with 2 kids, and like you I felt it was impossible to leave. But you know what I did? I kicked him out. I had not a dime to my name and it was scary as h#ll. I went on assistance for 2 months while I looked for a job. That was 8 years ago and in that time, I got a great paying job, put myself through college, lost 80 pounds and found myself a good man whom I have been with for the past 4 years.

    My point? Don't be afraid to walk away from a bad thing, you will make it. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be with someone who wants that for you and will support you in whatever it is you need to do to get there.

    thank u very much that is a great inspiration and really what i needed to hear ...because I am scared of a lot of things and the sad part is i think he knows it and knows that i always go back...=/ ...and jbuer yes i am
  • hasiangirl
    hasiangirl Posts: 1,613
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    When does he work?

    I agree with the others, if you know he is like this then you need to find another way to get your cardio in. I know there is alot of DVD's with Cardio.

    As far as the relationship goes, you need to put your foot down. Even though this is none of business I have to give you my opinion. He is very rude to talk to you the way he does. Good Luck with everything.
    he doesnt work =/...lol god i know how to pick them *shakes her head*

    so he is playing poker with your money? Dump time!! for sure!

    I agree! He is not supportive as being a father or a bf! Especially now since he doesn't even work!! It sounds like he needs to go back to his mama! You deserve better than that!! Your children deserve better than that!!

    oh i know and its mostly my fault...its just he's the first and only guy ive ever been with and I think that attachment makes it so much harder...=/

    I have a friend that had the same problem dealing, luckly without the kids. He was the first guy she slept with. A couple months later he got kicked out of the military and had to move away but they stayed together. He cheated on her while he was gone. He told her she cheated on her twice. She forgave him. He moved back. She found out he lied and had cheated on the with 6 different women (in 3 months). He said he loved her and begged her forgiveness. She forgave him. He behaved for about 3 months. He met her parents at Christmas and came back down a week before her. Went out with a girl twice while she was away. He told her. She forgave him. Myboyfriend and I practically forced him to buy her something for Valentine's Day. She went away for 2 days for a tennis match and he cheated on her again. FINALLY, she broke up with him. He has a new girlfriend in less than 2 weeks even though he kept saying he was in love with my friend. When I told him he was a cheating *kitten*, you know what he told me? "The problem isn't that I cheat too much. It's that I tell the truth too much." He thought that he should be resolved on any guilt because he told her.

    I've told this long, drawn out story because I've seen what the attachment to her first can do to a girl (and I've left out even more crap that he pulled), and she was lucky enough not to have kids with him, but you deserve better. He doesn't work, he doesn't help around the house, and he doesn't take care of the kids so what DOES he do? There is a lot I don't know about your relationship but what are you getting from this relationship other than heartache and anger?

    thats about all im getting anymore...sadly enough...and the odd thing is when we first started dating he was 100%different...I dont understand what brought about the change...I keep thinking well if maybe i lose the weight and get back to what i was when we first met it will be different...but it shouldnt even have to be that way nor do i think itll make a difference
  • czewwhat
    czewwhat Posts: 8,715
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    When does he work?

    I agree with the others, if you know he is like this then you need to find another way to get your cardio in. I know there is alot of DVD's with Cardio.

    As far as the relationship goes, you need to put your foot down. Even though this is none of business I have to give you my opinion. He is very rude to talk to you the way he does. Good Luck with everything.
    he doesnt work =/...lol god i know how to pick them *shakes her head*

    so he is playing poker with your money? Dump time!! for sure!

    I agree! He is not supportive as being a father or a bf! Especially now since he doesn't even work!! It sounds like he needs to go back to his mama! You deserve better than that!! Your children deserve better than that!!

    oh i know and its mostly my fault...its just he's the first and only guy ive ever been with and I think that attachment makes it so much harder...=/

    I have a friend that had the same problem dealing, luckly without the kids. He was the first guy she slept with. A couple months later he got kicked out of the military and had to move away but they stayed together. He cheated on her while he was gone. He told her she cheated on her twice. She forgave him. He moved back. She found out he lied and had cheated on the with 6 different women (in 3 months). He said he loved her and begged her forgiveness. She forgave him. He behaved for about 3 months. He met her parents at Christmas and came back down a week before her. Went out with a girl twice while she was away. He told her. She forgave him. Myboyfriend and I practically forced him to buy her something for Valentine's Day. She went away for 2 days for a tennis match and he cheated on her again. FINALLY, she broke up with him. He has a new girlfriend in less than 2 weeks even though he kept saying he was in love with my friend. When I told him he was a cheating *kitten*, you know what he told me? "The problem isn't that I cheat too much. It's that I tell the truth too much." He thought that he should be resolved on any guilt because he told her.

    I've told this long, drawn out story because I've seen what the attachment to her first can do to a girl (and I've left out even more crap that he pulled), and she was lucky enough not to have kids with him, but you deserve better. He doesn't work, he doesn't help around the house, and he doesn't take care of the kids so what DOES he do? There is a lot I don't know about your relationship but what are you getting from this relationship other than heartache and anger?

    thats about all im getting anymore...sadly enough...and the odd thing is when we first started dating he was 100%different...I dont understand what brought about the change...I keep thinking well if maybe i lose the weight and get back to what i was when we first met it will be different...but it shouldnt even have to be that way nor do i think itll make a difference

    if you are the one working, it will be easier without him, one less mouth! Dump the tool!
  • moujie
    moujie Posts: 229
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    if you are the one working, it will be easier without him, one less mouth! Dump the tool!
    [/quote]

    I concur!!
  • moujie
    moujie Posts: 229
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    we're all giving you advice but you're the one that has to go through this...we know it's not easy but part of being on MFP is that you want to make changes in your life. but sometimes the excess weight you need to lose aint on your body!

    right now he has no reason to change. you do the cooking, cleaning, take care of the kids AND you are the breadwinner. he has it great. can go where he wants to, do what he wants to and doesn't have to answer to you. the thing is, he is old enough to know how to treat someone better. he ought to want to set an example for his kids. but if you want those boys to grow up to be confident and considerate men you're going to have to be the one to show them that this is NOT acceptable.
  • cardigirl
    cardigirl Posts: 492 Member
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    thats about all im getting anymore...sadly enough...and the odd thing is when we first started dating he was 100%different...I dont understand what brought about the change...I keep thinking well if maybe i lose the weight and get back to what i was when we first met it will be different...but it shouldnt even have to be that way nor do i think itll make a difference

    Don't fall into the trap of thinking it has anything to do with your weight or appearance or that it is completely your fault. He's making his choices and they're not the right ones for you. Love yourself enough to pull away from him, who knows, it might wake him up, it might not, but you need to start thinking you're worthy of a loving relationship that is more of a partnership than what you have going on here.

    It also sounds to me like he might be somewhat depressed if he has changed this much from how he was when you first met. He can't really think that people are admiring him for behaving this way. That's got to make him angry at himself which will show up in various ways, anger at you, refusal to do something to change the sitch, etc.

    Someone suggested counseling a few replies back, and I agree. If you can't get him into couples therapy with you, than maybe some type of therapy for yourself, just to have someone to talk to who can help you move forward in your life.
  • hasiangirl
    hasiangirl Posts: 1,613
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    thank u all for the advice...everything is so true i just have to find the conhonaes(is that how u spell it?) and follow through this time....ahh but its sooo hard to do i thank everyone for the good words... this site is awesome and a good support group :)
  • WillyG
    WillyG Posts: 80
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    Change the locks.
  • hasiangirl
    hasiangirl Posts: 1,613
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    Change the locks.
    :laugh: :laugh: but if i tried that we'd have no locks lol...*isnt very good at putting things together*
  • CrystalT
    CrystalT Posts: 862 Member
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    I agree with moujie that it isn't healthy for your boys to see their father be not only unsupportive of you but also down right insulting from what you said in a previous post. But, only you can decide what is best for you and your sons. Just remember, you deserve to have someone who cherrishes you for who you are no matter what. Those feels shouldn't change just because you put on a few pounds. If he can't be that person for you, I gaurantee there is someone else out there who can be.
  • czewwhat
    czewwhat Posts: 8,715
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    Change the locks.
    :laugh: :laugh: but if i tried that we'd have no locks lol...*isnt very good at putting things together*

    toss his crap on the lawn, he will get the idea!
  • JoyousMaximus
    JoyousMaximus Posts: 9,285 Member
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    Change the locks.
    :laugh: :laugh: but if i tried that we'd have no locks lol...*isnt very good at putting things together*
    That is what locksmiths are for. :wink:

    When I finally left my ex-husband, I found myself esteem. I quickly started to dislike seeing him because he always had mean things to say. At first, it was some comment about having a bad hair day or breaking out then, after I started to lose weight, he started telling me I was getting too thin! The summer after I left him was one of the best summers of life. Since I left him, I've been able to move into an apartment by myself (no roommates!), I'm almost done with my MBA, got my credit card debt under control, found a boyfriend whose mission in life seems to be trying to make me happy at all times:love: , gotten a HUGE promotion, and lost about 45 lb (which he has gained :laugh:).
  • hasiangirl
    hasiangirl Posts: 1,613
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    Change the locks.
    :laugh: :laugh: but if i tried that we'd have no locks lol...*isnt very good at putting things together*
    That is what locksmiths are for. :wink:

    When I finally left my ex-husband, I found myself esteem. I quickly started to dislike seeing him because he always had mean things to say. At first, it was some comment about having a bad hair day or breaking out then, after I started to lose weight, he started telling me I was getting too thin! The summer after I left him was one of the best summers of life. Since I left him, I've been able to move into an apartment by myself (no roommates!), I'm almost done with my MBA, got my credit card debt under control, found a boyfriend whose mission in life seems to be trying to make me happy at all times:love: , gotten a HUGE promotion, and lost about 45 lb (which he has gained :laugh:).
    nice congratulations!! ....sounds like things got 100times better for u afterwards....:) its so good to hear from people who've already been through this experience that everything is going to be ok afterwards and that life isnt going to come to an end...:)
  • JoyousMaximus
    JoyousMaximus Posts: 9,285 Member
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    Change the locks.
    :laugh: :laugh: but if i tried that we'd have no locks lol...*isnt very good at putting things together*
    That is what locksmiths are for. :wink:

    When I finally left my ex-husband, I found myself esteem. I quickly started to dislike seeing him because he always had mean things to say. At first, it was some comment about having a bad hair day or breaking out then, after I started to lose weight, he started telling me I was getting too thin! The summer after I left him was one of the best summers of life. Since I left him, I've been able to move into an apartment by myself (no roommates!), I'm almost done with my MBA, got my credit card debt under control, found a boyfriend whose mission in life seems to be trying to make me happy at all times:love: , gotten a HUGE promotion, and lost about 45 lb (which he has gained :laugh:).
    nice congratulations!! ....sounds like things got 100times better for u afterwards....:) its so good to hear from people who've already been through this experience that everything is going to be ok afterwards and that life isnt going to come to an end...:)

    My cousin did it too. She ended up leaving her husband for cheating on her, joined the navy (which she loves), and is living in Washington State with her adorable son.

    I'm glad the stories help! :flowerforyou:
  • April0815
    April0815 Posts: 780 Member
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    Are you working right now?

    You cannot blame yourself or think that maybe you need to change and he will do better. I have been married almost 11 years and my husband has never commented negatively about my weight. He supports me when I want to lose weight.

    My husband is a supervisor on an oil rig, he works 2 weeks offshore and then he is home 2 weeks. When he comes home he takes over duties of my 9 year old. He brings him to school and picks him up that way when I get off all I have to do is go straight home. He knows this is the only break I have. He helps with cooking and cleaning. He will even lay my pajamas out for me. I think everyone deserves all the help from their spouse. Yall should be in this together and if not you need to move on. In the long run it will be better for your boys. You do not want them growing up thinking it is okay not to support his family or it is okay to speak to his wife like that. I doubt he speaks to his mother that way.

    Are you the one supporting yall
  • hasiangirl
    hasiangirl Posts: 1,613
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    Are you working right now?

    You cannot blame yourself or think that maybe you need to change and he will do better. I have been married almost 11 years and my husband has never commented negatively about my weight. He supports me when I want to lose weight.

    My husband is a supervisor on an oil rig, he works 2 weeks offshore and then he is home 2 weeks. When he comes home he takes over duties of my 9 year old. He brings him to school and picks him up that way when I get off all I have to do is go straight home. He knows this is the only break I have. He helps with cooking and cleaning. He will even lay my pajamas out for me. I think everyone deserves all the help from their spouse. Yall should be in this together and if not you need to move on. In the long run it will be better for your boys. You do not want them growing up thinking it is okay not to support his family or it is okay to speak to his wife like that. I doubt he speaks to his mother that way.

    Are you the one supporting yall

    Yes i am...I'm waitressing part time and I had a good chunk of money set aside before i had my kids from doing online stuff a while back...but now the money is getting low and im going to have to go back full time...but luckily my 3 yr old will be in a headstart program soon and my littlest one is easy to take care of
  • April0815
    April0815 Posts: 780 Member
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    Are you working right now?

    You cannot blame yourself or think that maybe you need to change and he will do better. I have been married almost 11 years and my husband has never commented negatively about my weight. He supports me when I want to lose weight.

    My husband is a supervisor on an oil rig, he works 2 weeks offshore and then he is home 2 weeks. When he comes home he takes over duties of my 9 year old. He brings him to school and picks him up that way when I get off all I have to do is go straight home. He knows this is the only break I have. He helps with cooking and cleaning. He will even lay my pajamas out for me. I think everyone deserves all the help from their spouse. Yall should be in this together and if not you need to move on. In the long run it will be better for your boys. You do not want them growing up thinking it is okay not to support his family or it is okay to speak to his wife like that. I doubt he speaks to his mother that way.

    Are you the one supporting yall

    Yes i am...I'm waitressing part time and I had a good chunk of money set aside before i had my kids from doing online stuff a while back...but now the money is getting low and im going to have to go back full time...but luckily my 3 yr old will be in a headstart program soon and my littlest one is easy to take care of

    So if you are the only one supporting the family, put his lazy a** out. I'm sorry I know it's not that easy and anyone can tell you that. You are scared. But when you get enough of it there will be no turning back for you. So if you really want to be with him and make it work you need to put your foot down. Kick him out and let him run home to mommy and I bet she won't put up with his crap. Oh right now you may think that she will and he may think that but he is used to you doing everything and I promise you she will not. And he will be begging to come home and that's when you set the ground rules. But once he's out and you see you are really doing it on your own you will probably want it to stay that way. It will be a load taken off. You will have your own routine with your kids, work, and exercising. You will not have to worry when he is coming home and how he will treat you.
  • CasperO
    CasperO Posts: 2,913 Member
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    His Mommy will take him back in and cook his meals and wash his funky drawers. She wants to - that's why she's babying him now. No woman is good enough for her precious baby. My mom tried it for the first 10 years I was married 'til my ol' lady b!tch slapped her :laugh:

    Working strictly by example - he's teaching your boys that it's Ok to treat girls like crap and that asinine behavior gets rewarded. That's not fair to them or you or anyone else.

    Boot him, he'll run home to her, they deserve each other. Sue for child support - you'll get it. Then get on with your life. You're a great gal and you don't deserve this and you don't have to take this crap. Life's too short to waste time with A-holes.
  • BrendaLee
    BrendaLee Posts: 4,463 Member
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    Life is too short to spend your time with a man who doesn't treat you with respect. I always say- you can be miserable alone, you don't need anyone else's help. :tongue:
  • April0815
    April0815 Posts: 780 Member
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    His Mommy will take him back in and cook his meals and wash his funky drawers. She wants to - that's why she's babying him now. No woman is good enough for her precious baby. My mom tried it for the first 10 years I was married 'til my ol' lady b!tch slapped her :laugh:

    Working strictly by example - he's teaching your boys that it's Ok to treat girls like crap and that asinine behavior gets rewarded. That's not fair to them or you or anyone else.

    Boot him, he'll run home to her, they deserve each other. Sue for child support - you'll get it. Then get on with your life. You're a great gal and you don't deserve this and you don't have to take this crap. Life's too short to waste time with A-holes.

    I agree with Casper totally. His mom will take him back. But in the long run she will get over his laziness and then where will he be? He will be wishing he still had you. You deserve better. It's hard for you because its your childrens father but is he really being a DADDY? They deserve better. Your boys will thank you later on in life. The way it sounds they probably won't notice he's gone if he sleeps til 1:00PM and then he is gone to all hours of the morning.

    My mother in law used to try to put her nose in my marriage when we were first married. That's the only problem we have ever had. If we ever argued she seemed to always be there to put her opinion in it. She would love if we would argue and he would leave to cool off and go there because he can't sit still and is always cleaning so everything she needed done in her house she had that oppurtunity to get him to do it. Finally he seen what was going on and wisened up. That was when we first got married 11yrs ago and I would be so upset cause she wouldn't even tell me he was there. After 11 years and a 9yr old son later if he was to leave and go there today she still wouldnt tell me he was there no matter how worried I would be or how upset I would be. We get along well and she loves our son, he is her only grandchild (and my husband is her only child), and when we get off of the phone she tells me she loves me, but in the back of my mind I know what she is capable of.

    If his mother wants to stand by him while he is doing this to his wife and children then let him be her problem and she can support him. Just like the only person she is worried about is her son, you need to let your boys and yourself be the only thing you are worried about.

    I hope this helps you. You are too young to go through this with someone that isn't worth your love.

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