End the relationship? Please help.

chooseyou

What do you do when you realize that your relationship could be contributing to your weight issue? Suspecting I had become an emotional eater I began keeping a journal to see if I could make any connections. I soon realized that my boyfriend was a big factor in creating stress in my life and I in turn was dealing with it by eating. I began seeing that he was very inconsistent and a pretty ruthless person when angry. The light bulb really turned on recently when he insulted my dad that committed suicide when I was little. He said that my dad killed himself over "baby" problems that he couldn't deal with. Keep in mind he never knew my dad and only knows what I shared with him about it (which I now regret). It almost makes me sick to type that this happened but not admitting it happened and hiding it with food doesn't change that he did it. This is only one example. To make matters more challenging, I live with my boyfriend in a city where I haven't made a lot of friends yet. I feel very alone. I really don't want to get in a cycle of emotional eating. Now that I'm starting to realize the connection I'm wondering if I should end this relationship.

paygep

Call your friends, find a place to stay, move your things out while he's away and then tell him you want to take a break for a while. Lovin' you.

jjelizalde

It doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship but ultimately only you can make that decision. I'm sending you a friend request for support.

paygep

I don't know your situation, but I've seen the controlling type before. It would help to know how long you've been together... what I meant before was, you need to work on making yourself healthy and happy before you can be happy in a relationship.

debbieHOC

i agree... call any and all friends you have and get out. Thank GOD you aren't married to him. If you treats you like this now it will oonly get worst. I am glad your light bulb went on. Get out and take care of yourself. The weight will come off pretty easy for you after that. I just worry for your safety. Be sure t seek professional help if he threatens you at all. Take a stand and protect yourself.

wonderlilly

Without knowing your relationship all I can say is that you sound very clear-headed and aware of what does/not work for you in this relationship, which is great! If you are close enough with your boyfriend that you moved in with him, is discussing it an issue? As for not knowing people in the new town, the fact is that if you evaluate and decide that he isn't being supportive the way you need to be truly happy, then you're not really losing much, just creating an opportunity to date & meet other people.

Emotional eating is a monster, and for sure we all do it. I don't think you have to decide immediately what to do about the bf, so hopefully you aren't pressuring yourself, just noticing what's going on and getting your thoughts together (which is WAY more than most of us do!). To be honest, from your post it sounds like you already know what you want to do, I'm not sure you need us to tell you it

But becoming aware of emotionally eating is a huge thing, and I totally give you props for looking to address the bigger issue (your relationship with him, or feeling like you have to defend what happened with your father). Good for you, and I hope you find romantic happiness AND reach whatever goals you are looking for on here!!
If you're looking for new MFP pals online, add me, I'll totally be cheering you on

DesignGuy

What I did was stick in the relationship to my ex-wife because I had kids. Yes, being told I was fat daily and having her sabotage my weight loss efforts was a blast for years. My weight went up and up. Hell, I won't even go on about the rest. But hey, I'm out and things are looking up.

There's really no question here. Negative a-holes don't deserve to be in a relationship.

And seriously, I would so knock his butt out over that comment about your dad alone. Don't even care if he was angry, what you have is a little boy, not a man.

Stay safe and work on an exit plan. Take care of yourself and work on selecting a better guy next time.

PokenStick

I think you have to separate issues. You need to communicate with your boyfriend about your feelings and then make a decision from there. Only you can determine this...but personally I would base it on how he reacts to your feelings and moves forward. If he dismisses you or turns the blame, maybe it's time for space.

You having an emotional connection to food is a separate issue all together. If you eat when stressed, you need to explore other healthier releases. You will always have stress in your life, job, bills, boyfriend, kids, etc. While reducing these stressors is good, it's almost impossible to completely eradicate them. Find a hobby, exercise, have lots of sex, whatever floats your boat.

teenasbody

I was in an abusive reaationship for years, I gained 40 lbs. if you are asking the question then you already know the answer. you will need to find it in yourself to put you first and I would be lying if I said it would be easy but I will tell you that it's worth it to find your own happiness and whatever that looks like. I waited until ,y husband went to work packed up what I could fit in one truck and have not seen him since. that was over 6 years ago it took a lot but I now have a successful business and I am in the most amazing relationship with an amazing man I couldn't even dream up.

Life doesn't have to be as hard as we make if we just follow our hearts and put ourselves first and love love love you like the world depends on it. because it does

good luck I will be praying for you and feel free to add me for support

ChristineCatherine

Oh sweetheart, end it and end it now. Someone who talks about your dad without even knowing him, has no concern for you and your feelings. Someone who loves you and cares for you would never cross that line.
Its a great thing that you've made the connection about your eating habits. Thats a huge first step. You will be better without him and get more accomplished.
Add me

indianlarry11

I would end it based on what he said about your Dad alone.

zaithyr

Call friends or family and move out. I can tell you right now that if he acts like this now, it will only get worse. And especially if it's triggering emotional eating for you it's a double whammy. But you are going to have deeper issues that eating issues it sounds like if you stay with this guy. That's just my 2 cents! Sounds like you know what to do. We support you!! Move back home, do whatever you have to do but make a decision that's going to be best for you.

chooseyou

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onedayillbeamilf

I think a break would be good and in that time you can decide what's right for you.

DrewMaxwell

Life's too short to be in a relationship with someone that builds themself up by tearing others down

CassieReannan

Please get out, you dont deserve that. You are way better than that, and you can find someone else who will love you for who you are...

You deserve happiness and someone who can make you happy.

shbretired

Are you kidding me?
(some of the replies I read saying to discuss with him?)

He is controlling, and trying to tear your confidence down to keep you there with him.

If you can't find a friend to go to, surely mail your stuff home, and get on the next bus!


Thank god you realize what he's up to.

He obviously has insecurities, and thinks belittling you will keep you at his level. RUN

toysbigkid

You have already done the first step and that is, being aware of what makes you stressed and being an emotional eater. Believe me, I grew up in an abusive household, verbal and physical, get a new boyfriend, before there is more involved, (kids, bills, etc.) No nice guy would of ever said anything negative about your Dad. You deserve better and more. Please listen to your inner self. Try to replace the emotional eating with trying to make new friends, join a gym or something. Take walks or ride a bike, get outside and go to a park, anything, it will just make you feel better and help you think clearly. Good luck to you

mikek333

Are you saying he blamed your dad's untimely death on you as a baby? I teared up a little when I read that. If that's the kind of guy he is you know what you have to do. The sooner the better.

katyejean

He sounds like a *kitten*. My boyfriend can be a **** sometimes, but something like that is way out of line for me. I wish you the best. But I am not sure much will change the situation until he's out of the picture.

OccupyFitness

I am so sorry that you are feeling alone and in a situation that feels shaky. I am wishing you strength and clarity. I hope that you can soon find a solution to your relationship to your boyfriend and your food that feels rewarding and healthy. (((((Big Hug)))))

Justacoffeenut

If you don't have friends to help you in the area contact your local womens shelter or abuse hotline and ask for help. Sounds if nothing else verbal abusive relationship to me.

No one NO ONE deserves to be in such a relationship. Take a break at least and let each of you work on yourselves. He seems to have some things he needs to work on. If he is acting this way and you are not married imagine what it may become if you guys were to get married.

Please take care of you.

chooseyou

Sorry I can't figure out how to reply to the messages individually but here is some more information for those that asked...
We've been together for 2 1/2 years. A lot of that was long distance because I was in the Peace Corps and lived overseas. I think that helped mask some of the issues I see now. I did confront him about the comment later and his response was "I was mad." No apologies. No acknowledgement it crossed a big line. That's when the light bulb got even brighter. It seems he actually thinks it's ok to do or say pretty much anything if you get angry. I gave the most recent example but there are others. He's never been physically abusive but has made the comment when angry that "this is why someone would want to punch you in the face." God, I feel like an idiot typing that. Obviously, this is not a good situation.

For mikek333: The comment wasn't saying it was my fault but rather that my father only had "baby" problems that he couldn't deal with. Essentially saying he was a weak man that killed himself over nothing.

I really appreciate all the responses and people sharing their stories and encouragement. Not to get sappy but I was feeling very alone and your responses mean a lot to me. More than you know.

MindyBlack

Sounds to me his contributing to weight issues isn't your biggest problem with him. Not that it doesn't exist. Anyone that cruel and hurtful can only be trouble. I would say consider your options carefully before getting in any deeper.

edited to add: I just read your post right above mine. What he said is a threat and is verbally abusive. If he is feeling that violent I would be surprised if he doesn't eventually act out on the threat. Take care of yourself. Get in a safe situation. Don't wait for it to escalate.

deniseearheart

WOW sounds like me!!!! My boyfriend is controlling and mean and says some of the most hurtful things.. my mother died 5 years ago . he did not know her either and all he can tell me when I get in my down moods about her death is I need to just get over it and deal with it.. This is coming from someone who has never lost anyone he loved..... We also moved to a new state a few years ago and I don't have many friends , I don't work and no longer have a car..... I am really controlled to and it is so hard for me to lose weight.... HUGS

teeina

This is a tough one. He definitely seems like he is he bad guy, but we have to consider that we are hearing one side of the situation. That being said, you should not be feeling forced to stay in a bad situation by circumstance. If you feel the relationship is toxic, then you should do what you need to get out. If you feel that situation can be worked on, ie: if he can reasoned with and is willing to make changes for your benefit, and you want to try then you should do so. Feel free to friend request me if you need moral support either way. You are not alone.

Now about the emotional eating, it's another thing altogether. In life, you will be stressed and it's not always possible to remove the stressors. You have to begin replacing eating when you feel stressed with something else. It can be exercise, calling a friend, getting a pet, yoga, reading, playing scrabble online with friends, anything really... It's hard, but once you do it a few times it will get easier. Good luck with everything!

chooseyou

Yes teeina. You are right. It's only one side of the story and I'm a big advocate of being fair. I just want to be clear that I didn't post to try and bash anyone and I hope it doesn't come across that way. He does have good qualities too. It's just I'm not sure if the bad ones are ones that I can deal with.

mikek333

I'm sorry I read too much into that. But, regarding the "...punch you in the face" comment: I have been dating/married to my wife for 23 years and we have had many heated arguments. I have not once thought about punching her.

Not all relationships were meant to last a lifetime.

chooseyou

Wow, congratulations on 23 years! That's amazing!

JellybeanIcecream

I agree that you have separate issues here to deal with. You need to have a good long look at the entirety of the relationship (good and bad) and decide whether you think it's worth working on or whether your best chance for happiness lays elsewhere.

In terms of emotional eating, I'd address that as a distinct issue, because if you turn to food for comfort in bad times...well, life will always have its share of bad times no matter who you're with. Keeping a diary is a good step to gain insight...and maybe look at other ways of dealing with stress...exercise or meditation or calling a friend or whatever works for you.

BrienJD

It's not an easy choice, and only you can decide but personally I think you can do better. There are some people who just don't deserve the love and devotion they get. I echo most of the previous sentiments.