Hello, I'm new here

ang41021

I guess I could have written this under the "introduce yourself" forum, but what I'm looking for is support and more support. I turned 30 years old last month and currently I weigh 224 lbs. I am 5'2 and I have always had a problem with my weight. The last time I weighed what I "should" was when I was a teenager. I have never really actively done anything to lose weight, maybe because I'm in denial that it is an issue. I am slowly acknowledging that it is an issue in many spheres of my life. I have lived my entire adult life overweight and I believe that I need to make lifestyle changes so I don't repeat patterns set by my parents, their parents, etc.

I never talk about my weight, ever. At least not to friends and family. I do in therapy, but it took about two years before I brought up that it bothered me. I know I'm heavy, I know people know I'm heavy. I don't really have any good excuse as to why I've never done anything about it, I just haven't. I have many reasons to get healthy and lose weight. The first reasons is obviously the health benefits. While I currently do not have any health issues, besides anxiety - which I'll address in a moment, I know that continuing to live way will ultimately put me at risk for diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. I've had anxiety for over ten years. It comes in waves and there are many triggers. I've been going to therapy to address the triggers, but I've come to think that while I get temporary relief during the session, if I'm not doing anything about it once I leave the office, than what's the point? I feel like I've gone through years of self-loathing and plans to live a healthier life, but I've never committed to anything. For me losing weight would help with my anxiety, give me some much needed confidence, improve my self-esteem, and I hope I can begin to like who I am.

The second reason and just as important as the first is I want to be healthy and be a good role model for my daughter. All the females in my life are heavy and their lifespans are short. This is through no fault of their own as they smoke, drink, and live a sedentary lifestyle. I do not smoke or drink, so that's a positive. I want my daughter to not be embarrassed by me. Right now I feel bad for her that she has the "fat mom". Still, that didn't stop me from going to the pool with her almost daily last year. I put on the bathing suit, never looked in the mirror, and took her because her joy was more important than anything. I love my daughter more than anything and I need to do this for her. I do not have a positive biologically related female or male in my life right now to show me how to parent or to be a good person, so I already feel handicapped, but something inside of me is pushing me to want better, to want more, for myself and my daughter. I would feel like a complete failure if in thirty years she felt or looked the way I do. I grew up hating myself and hating how I looked and I did not have a support system as a child/teenager to help me with that. I am going to therapy and beginning a new lifestyle change to better myself and to be better for her, because she deserves it.

Lastly and I'll just be honest about this, I need to lose weight in order to feel attractive again, which is something I haven't felt in a very long time. I have been with the same person for 9 years, who happens to be one of those men who can eat whatever they want and never gains weight. Just perfectly good looking and naturally athletic, doesn't have to work at it at all. Like any relationship we've had ups and downs but my insecurity and lack of self-esteem have had an extremely negative impact on our relationship. Like all couples, we have been through A LOT together and have seen each other at their worst and best. I feel like I've been stuck in my worst for about 4 years now. When I met him I was heavy, but I gained a lot of weight during my pregnancy and I just didn't do anything about it. I want to be a better partner to someone I care so much about and want to spend my life with.

So, that's me. I am 5 days into working out. I've been using the elliptical once a day for an hour and using this website to alter my eating habits and use it as a guide. I also started using the Wii Fit - I don't know if it will be helpful, but clearly what I've been doing hasn't been working so why not try anything. Today I feel down though. I'm not even a week in and I feel like the amount of weight I have to lose is insurmountable. I know I can't give up, I know that I have to make changes. I just have to because I don't want to spend the next thirty (hopefully more) years of my life like I spent the first.

Thanks for your time and I appreciate any and all advice and support!

BetterMike

I'm new here as well. Great post which must have taken a lot of effort to put down.

You said you feel down now and it feels insurmountable. Well, I can only really respond that if you try get to the top of the mountain in one step it probably is. However, you'll never make the top without taking each step as it comes. Every day will bring you closer to something. Will it be to your goal or away from it? Pretty much up to you.

leslisa

First, about the parenting. Been there, done that. One parent of mine was a drug addict and alcoholic. The other was manipulative to the nth degree. One specialized in physical abuse, the other in mental. So my advice is read books and mags, ask advice of folks you respect because of how they bring up their kids, and when you think you might be screwing up, take a step back and if you have to research what works best.

That being said, an example for you. One of the women who had a baby at the same time as I had always been heavy (she was on a message board devoted to babies being born same month year as mine). She stated she never learned portion control or how to walk away from food. She did the same way with her daughter until her doc mentioned her daughter was becoming a candidate for jeuvenille diabetes. They went on the same diet together. Both learned to leave the table without the plate being clean (and snacks were fibrous fruit). When there were chips, they were put in a bowl and when they were gone, they were gone. She also started biking and walking with her daughter. Don't know if any of this would work for you, but involving daughter in your decision might help??

MargaretWalks

Take it one day at a time. Don't worry about the things that will be coming up (birthdays, holidays), but determine to be more active TODAY and to eat a little less TODAY. Don't go to extremes--like dropping to 1000 calories. Be healthy in your eating, walk a little bit more, and eventually you'll begin to lose. I'm 64 and I started counting calories and exercising in October of 2008, weighing 261 pounds. My highest was 271. Today I weigh 193. I exercise at a gym regularly. During the nicer months I walk and I can walk 3.4 miles in just over an hour. I couldn't have done that 3.5 years ago. So if an "old lady" can do this, you can too. I've had days of extreme discouragement but I know if I give up I'll regain all the pounds. So TODAY I will be healthy.

flamencodiva

Hi, I just signed up today on this and I was moved by your post. May I say something, I have observed a lady that lives on my street, she was extremely overweight and for the past 2 years I observed her everymorning, walking the neighboorhood. She started out walking slow as a turtle, and can I say she kept at it and at it and at it, and today the must have lost more than 200 pounds. Needless to say she powerwalks now! She is just whipping by everymorning. She never gave up, she did it every day, it took her 2 years, but in my book 2 years is better than a life time of remaining overweight. Don't give up, get up, take a walk, play tennis, join a Zumba Class, join the gym, join yoga, buy dvd's walk around the block, take your daughter outside to play, move don't stray...just go, park your car far away to force you to walk to your final destination (supermarket/mall/etc) Everything is possible if you put your mind to it! Good luck :-).....I saw your last sentence...don't look at the whole amount of weight you have to LOOSE....Its not about weight loss, its about change in lifestyle, eating healthier, moving, exercising, enjoying,,,,you do that and I promise your weight will come off....Get rid of your scale please....don't look at for at least 3-6 months...Give your self a chance at a new you, new lifestyle, new eating habits...just plug away one day at a time...THEN, go to the scale and watch what happens :-)...

StarkLark

Today I feel down though. I'm not even a week in and I feel like the amount of weight I have to lose is insurmountable.

Great post... welcome to the site. I picked out the quote above because I certainly know the feeling. You're going to have the days where it all feels like too much. You have the big number in your head and when you see how large it seems you want to give up. JUST HANG IN THERE! Five days turns into two weeks and two weeks turns into a month and pretty soon the progress you make will start to make that huge number seem like a reality.

Break it up into smaller goals. If losing 100 pounds seems like too much, try losing 20 pounds. Then do it four more times It may sound like a sarcastic joke, but I'm serious and it worked for me. Good luck and don't give up!