my secret

marisol7649

I have not told this to anyone, I guess the anonymity of MFP it is easier to express yourself truthfully.
I feel and look at myself as ugly, unappealing and a loser, it stems from my weight, I have no energy to do something about it.

I am so overweight again and I want to feel good about myself again to be thinner and healthy but lack the focus and energy. The voice in my head is telling me this things and it so loud and hard to turn off. I know I need to workout and focus on what I need to eat but I feel like such a lost cause then I give up instead of trying.

The way I feel about myself has cause me to be depressed and not even work ( I own my own business) this is causing me to be broke now. I do not want to be intimate with my husband, i wonder why he evens wants to be with me I am so ugly and whale like.
I tell him it is me and not him but how many rejections can he take without hurting his self-esteem?

I did not feel good after I went to my first workout in a year is seems daunting to start all over again.

How do I get out of this state of mind, it is wearing me down physically and mentally?

( sorry about the misspelling I just wrote it and send it)

danabrash

The voice in my head is telling me this things and it so loud and hard to turn off. I know I need to workout and focus on what I need to eat but I feel like such a lost cause then I give up instead of trying.

I also have an inner abuser that tells me I'm fat and ugly and worthless and that I will always fail. That I can't succeed at anything that I do. When I look in the mirror I am hyper critical. Rationally, I believe I'm not the ugliest person on the planet, but emotionally I KNOW that I am.

I recommend therapy: it has helped me immensely. Identifying your inner abuser can be hugely helpful. My inner abuser is my step-dad. Who is yours? What false messages did they give you? What was the payoff to them, meaning what did they get out of lying to you and denying you a reality that you are beautiful and precious and perfect exactly as you are?

In my case, and in almost every other abuse scenario I'm aware of, the abuser is processing their OWN shame of who they are, and are taking it out on their victims.

You don't have to be a victim.

You are perfect.

You are beautiful.

You are precious.

You deserve love and belonging.

You are worth it.

You can do it.

Jules_1111

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way (I have been there too). It's not easy to dig yourself out of, but you need to do it. You deserve a great life and to be happy and healthy. You say you give up because it seems to hard and like a lost cause? Been there too. I was always waiting to see results, and when they didnt appear fast enough or big enough I would throw in the towel and feel even worse about myself. I have found this is a great place for info and motivation. I decided when I joined at the end of March that I was going to be kinder to myself, and I was going to go with the mentality that 'slow and steady wins the race", so I have been making small changes, moving more, and recently started a strength training program. I haven't weighed myself in a few weeks bc I don't want to focus solely on numbers and quit if they aren't "good enough". If I slip and have a cookie or skip a workout, I don't quit I just tell myself I will do better tomorrow..and then I DO. I am accountable for myself. No one can lose the weight for me so when I feel like giving up I look back at my logs and see what a great job I have done or I look at my measurements and congratulate myself on even the smallest of losses. This is going to be a lifetime committment and I try and remind myself WHY I am CHOOSING to get healthy after so many years of just existing and feeling awful about myself. I'm not sure if any of these things will be something that will work for you, but feel free to add me if you'd like and we can motivate each other. :flowerforyou:

santini1975

Don't look at the total number of pounds you want to lose, or how much you need to work out this week. Focus on today. TODAY, I am going to walk for 30 minutes. TODAY I am going to stay under my calorie goal. Just keep taking it one day at a time. It will happen.

raburkholder

Impossible? I'm possible. So are you. One day at a time. Relish those moments you feel happy. They will excuse you to take care of yourself

Meegz84

I definetly recommend seeing someone.

Not sure where you are based but if health care/medicare is available go and discuss yoru concerns with your doctor.
They may refer you to a councellor/specialist that can help you and the cost will be cheapers as its a referral.

Also, look into NLP therapy or PST therapy..

marisol7649

The voice in my head is telling me this things and it so loud and hard to turn off. I know I need to workout and focus on what I need to eat but I feel like such a lost cause then I give up instead of trying.

I also have an inner abuser that tells me I'm fat and ugly and worthless and that I will always fail. That I can't succeed at anything that I do. When I look in the mirror I am hyper critical. Rationally, I believe I'm not the ugliest person on the planet, but emotionally I KNOW that I am.

I recommend therapy: it has helped me immensely. Identifying your inner abuser can be hugely helpful. My inner abuser is my step-dad. Who is yours? What false messages did they give you? What was the payoff to them, meaning what did they get out of lying to you and denying you a reality that you are beautiful and precious and perfect exactly as you are?

In my case, and in almost every other abuse scenario I'm aware of, the abuser is processing their OWN shame of who they are, and are taking it out on their victims.

You don't have to be a victim.

You are perfect.

You are beautiful.

You are precious.

You deserve love and belonging.

You are worth it.

You can do it.

marisol7649

I did not even think about it. I need todo some soul searching on this. I am very sorry about your step father, it seems that seems to be an issue for so many people.

marisol7649

Impossible? I'm possible. So are you. One day at a time. Relish those moments you feel happy. They will excuse you to take care of yourself

I LOVE that I'm possible.

quill16

Nothing is impossible with God! He has taken me out of the depths and put me on higher ground. Others will see what HE has done!!!!!! Yes, the strength I have to lose this weight has come from God not me. When I began to realize this the weight came off. (I lost 173 lbs in the last 18 months. I am praying for you!!!!!

EAS1992

Don't look at the total number of pounds you want to lose, or how much you need to work out this week. Focus on today. TODAY, I am going to walk for 30 minutes. TODAY I am going to stay under my calorie goal. Just keep taking it one day at a time. It will happen.

i never thought of it that way ...
i'm gonna start doing that .

marisol7649

I definetly recommend seeing someone.

Not sure where you are based but if health care/medicare is available go and discuss yoru concerns with your doctor.
They may refer you to a councellor/specialist that can help you and the cost will be cheapers as its a referral.

Also, look into NLP therapy or PST therapy..

Typing it and just saying it out load has taken the power away from it-not sure if that makes sense. I find MFP therapy better then a counselor hahahah.
I am so thankful for everyone taking the time to post.

notnormallyacaloriecounter

don't put so much pressure on yourself! celebrate the little things! i celebrate in my head every time i get my fat butt up to do my work outs. and when i started i was seriously self conscious, it took me a week to tell my live in boyfriend what i was doing, two weeks to go outside, a month till i let him be in the room when i exercised, because i felt disgusting and ashamed. don't make working out a chore and stressful, take walks, enjoy the weather and scenery, it gives you time to think or not think if that's what you prefer. you don't have to go to a gym and do a "turbo" work out. build yourself up, and remember it takes 28 days to build a habit. find victory each day and focus on that. at least for me, that's what keeps me going.

and if i were you i'd talk to your husband and tell him how you're feeling. chances are he doesn't see you as a whale, and if this is something you want then he'll want it for you too.

keep your head up and stay positive, you can do it :flowerforyou:

JennieAL

I can relate. It helped me to pinpoint where the original criticism came from. For me, it was my mother & grandmother. And then you have to realize it's not you, but some other voice. No one really wants to live and feel this way. Start finding the good things about yourself and holding on them to get yourself through all the negative talk... and just turn it all around. It's hard but you can do it.

MrsMxxx

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way (I have been there too). It's not easy to dig yourself out of, but you need to do it. You deserve a great life and to be happy and healthy. You say you give up because it seems to hard and like a lost cause? Been there too. I was always waiting to see results, and when they didnt appear fast enough or big enough I would throw in the towel and feel even worse about myself. I have found this is a great place for info and motivation. I decided when I joined at the end of March that I was going to be kinder to myself, and I was going to go with the mentality that 'slow and steady wins the race", so I have been making small changes, moving more, and recently started a strength training program. I haven't weighed myself in a few weeks bc I don't want to focus solely on numbers and quit if they aren't "good enough". If I slip and have a cookie or skip a workout, I don't quit I just tell myself I will do better tomorrow..and then I DO. I am accountable for myself. No one can lose the weight for me so when I feel like giving up I look back at my logs and see what a great job I have done or I look at my measurements and congratulate myself on even the smallest of losses. This is going to be a lifetime committment and I try and remind myself WHY I am CHOOSING to get healthy after so many years of just existing and feeling awful about myself. I'm not sure if any of these things will be something that will work for you, but feel free to add me if you'd like and we can motivate each other. :flowerforyou:

What an amazing post, really inspirational and helpful thank u