comments from parents?

sekaie

Hey guys, I'm wondering if anyone has this same problem as I do? I'm doing really well with my weight loss and weigh about 128lbs/ 58.9kg, and I've just recently become able to see my abs. But today after my workout at the gym I got home and my dad casually remarked 'you have a really big stomach', even though I know it's almost flat. It's really upset me and ruined my day, and it's quickly unmotivated me, to the point of tears. The thing is, my dad is very overweight, and my friends think I'm quite slim, and I'm very healthy. I told him this, and he replied 'yeah, but a girl should never have a stomach that big'.

I'm' wondering, is there any way for me to get behind these comments?

thanks

Tuffjourney

I am so sorry, a father should never effing say sh$t like that. It was rude, and just plain mean. :grumble:

cyclerjenn

I'm so sorry for the remark your father said and don't let it get to you. People will make some of the worst comments since they can not do it themselves. Just remember you are doing this for you and the reasons why it is important to you and ignore what everyone else is saying.

takingnameskickingbutt

My parents say the same thing. It's so funny I was going to ask about overly-critical parents today!

editnonnalynn

Some people, especially men of a certain age, think ladies should look like Marlyn Monroe. If you're strong, GREAT! If you're healthy, GREAT! Don't be discoraged, just wear long shirts around Daddy! :laugh: And don't cry, that won't help. Ask yourself what you want, what your plan is and what's next. Then do it! You inspire me. Some day I'm gonna see MY abs!!!!!!! THANX

myohana4

This makes me sad. As a mom, I am very careful about what I say to my daughters about body image. We always talk about healthy choices. In today's world, we have very unrealistic expectations of what our bodies should look like.

So, I am here to tell you that you are an amazing person! I am so proud of you for trying your hardest to be the best person that you can be. I find it inspiring that you are not giving up! That you posted on this board for people that will support you so that you can accomplish your goal speaks volumes about the kind of person that you are.

Keep it up!

WhatDoesLisa

He is just projecting! I think it is kind of sad. Instead of getting upset maybe you should realize that he probably feels trapped by his weight and doesn't know what to do. It is just a projection of his own self-worth which is pretty much at zero.

christenwypy

My dad, both my parents really, had that kind of power over me for a long time. I am 36 and a parent now myself and what I started doing is I do not tell them much. If I am trying to write or get a job or lose weight, I usually keep it to myself so they do not discourage me. Also, as I ahve gotten older I no longer see them as parents as much as I see them as people. They are flawed, damaged, hurt people just like I am. They do not know more than I do anymore. In a lot of cases they know less. My life is mine now. They cannot dictate how it will go. They do not decide who I am.

Now from a parent's perspective, I am not perfect. I feel gulity a lot. Sometimes I say things I should not say to my children. I say things like "You are lazy." or "You are never organized." I am labeling them and hurting them possibly for life when I do this. And when I look at myself in the mirror I see the truth. I am only saying to them WHAT I THINK ABOUT MYSELF.

When we put others down we are seeing in them what we refuse to see in ourselves. Your dad is insecure about his own weight and he is reflecting that onto you. What he says means nothing. It does not change the fact that you are thin, unless you let it.

I am sorry you are going through this. Try as much as you can to detach from his words. Try to know they are meaningless and it takes nothing away from all that you have done, all your successes.

twelbies

I am sorry my parents did that same **** to me when I lived at home. My mom insisted we all go on a diet when I was 11....I weighed 100 pounds was 5'2. The comments were endless and hard to take which is why I moved out when I was 17.
It is heartbreaking to hear such negative things from people who should be most supportive.
My only advise is to stay strong and try your best to ignore it.

EmCarroll1990

Think of it this way, you're 128 lbs. So unless you're like 4' tall, you're thin. Your father is clearly trying to put you down because you're working your butt off to better yourself, and he's doing nothing for himself.

Wonderwoman2677

I grew up being called "Dummy" and being told I was fat (which I now know was not true). Older generations and other people in general often have different ideas about what you should look like, do, say or how you live.

So what?

You know you are doing the right thing! Emotionally it might help to tell him to stop making comments...either way. You don't need his compliments or his insults for you to keep going. You're not doing it for him. If he doesn't stop... try to be around him less... it doesn't sound like he's supportive anyway. There is no law that requires you to be around people that hurt you...even family.

scott091501

My Mom used to say stuff like "You're just not built to be thin." I know she didn't mean anything by it but it was very demotivating

SRH7

When I was 18 and getting ready for my A-level prom at college my mum handed me a nasty pair of big control pants to wear under my prom dress - she said my stomach looked too big. I was 126lbs (5'8'') and stick thin. I cried my eyes out and it ruined my night.

Now, 20 years on, I weigh over 180lbs and really do need to lose weight but have been focusing on getting fit, which has had little effect on the scales but helped me trim pounds and feel great.

And my mum's comment the last time she saw me? "You really could do with joining WeightWatchers". As soon as she left I cried my eyes out.

When I'm feeling low I really focus on how my mum has never told me I'm pretty, look nice etc. But when I'm being grown-up about it I just have to accept that there are some battles I will never win with her.

She's pushed me hard to achieve in all areas of my life, all my life, so it's no wonder she puts my appearance up there alongside how I am doing in my education, career, relationships etc. It's a flaw she has and, at 70, she's not going to change and there's nothing I can do about it.

It's also made me certain that if I ever have children of my own, I will tell them every day how wonderful they are!

steph124ny

He is just projecting! I think it is kind of sad. Instead of getting upset maybe you should realize that he probably feels trapped by his weight and doesn't know what to do. It is just a projection of his own self-worth which is pretty much at zero.

This.

Klamber26

You don't think maybe he was just joking. You know, sarcasm?

takingnameskickingbutt

No matter how thin I have gotten or will get, my mother thinks I need to be thinner. At one point I am 5'11 and weighed 108 pounds and she still thought I could lose weight.

The worst is that she always says stuff that I find super demoralizing "But you have such a pretty face" or "Should you really be eating that".

I'm almost 29, but it still really hurts.

ahulse23

My ex-MIL once told me that "We criticize in others what we don't like in ourselves." I didn't believe her at the time but as I've grown older see how true that is. If someone says something rude or discouraging I always think of that quote and it no longer bothers me. (It also helps when I'm thinking negative thoughts about someone else.)

jdsmom0104

some ppl envy others' accomplishments. with him beign overweight, he may feel powerless :mad: but that doesn't give him the right to respond that way. that may be his way of expressing himself bc he doesn't know how to reach out for help. it hurts when our loved ones dont support us, but all the more hurtful when they try to sabotage us. good luck with that, ur doing great! :drinker:

That_Girl

Tell him, "So do you."

And don't let it get to you. You know what and who you are.

phillieschic

Flush it. Then just keep doing what you do...


I recently told my grandmother that I lost 20 pounds and that I was feeling really good about myself. Here's her response:

"Yeah, well, I guess that's good...although there's plenty of you left to go..."


Um, really? :noway:

Lula16

my dad always said stuff like that to me. I weighed 107 at 24 yrs old and he always had some remark to make about my weight. Even now, he still does. it bothers me but i just blow it off.

Now i do have a 13 yr old daughter who is 5'1" and weighs 138 lbs. I never critic her weight, nor have i ever put her on a diet. I cook healthy for the whole family. I just tell her my concern to motivate her to eat healthy and exercise is because of diabetes, it runs in my family and her fathers side of the family. I tell her she is beautiful, and she's a very confident girl. I just want her to take care of herself so when she gets my age, she wont have health problems.

padraigin67

Hang in there and realize that you are doing great. The most freeing thing I ever did was quit taking what others said about me to heart. I tell them I know what I need to do and it is mind over matter. I don't mind because your opinions do not matter. I am 45 and it took a long time to get to the point of doing things for myself because I want to be a better me. Sounds like you are doing what you need to do. Next time Dad says, "your belly is big, shrug and say well sir not as big as yours.":flowerforyou:

frootcat

I guess telling him a father should never have a mouth that big is out of the question, huh?

I'm sorry he says stuff like that to you. My father never said anything about me specifically, but his opinions on women in general are pretty abhorrent, and I can't imagine that he didn't see that I, too, am a woman and he was therefore insulting both me and my mother. I shot back somewhat nasty comments of my own, but with a smile, so we both knew we were "joking." It was satisfying, but not very mature, hehe.

My dad now suffers of a form of dementia and he's a lot nicer, but the memory of things he used to say sticks with me.

cristaine

" My stomach is too big? I'm sorry your compassion is so small. "

First off, I'm sorry your Dad said something so un-supportive. You are trying to be healthy and fit and that is admirable.

Unfortunately, you can't change people, especially the people you love. All you can change is how you let it affect you (or not!)

My advice, acknowledge that it sucked. That it was hurtful, rude and NOT even based in reality.

Define yourself and don't waver from your own definition. You are beautiful in YOUR way, not constrained by someone else's view of you.

My dad was the same. I hated myself for a good 30 years and finally became what he always said I was (even when, like you, I was fit and healthy at the time.) Now I am learning to trust myself all over again, and it is a long hard process.

I wish I had had the strength when I was your age to know when someone was full of $%^& and just pushing my (incredibly adorable naturally lol) buttons.

The people closest to you are RARELY the people who see you the most objectively. Their views (and not always maliciously so!) are usually skewed by their own feelings, love, fears, dreams etc for you (and guilt, regret etc about themselves).

Be healthy, be fit, be happy. Take criticism to MIND but not to heart. We create our own realities, and our own happiness. Keep your power in you and do what makes you happy.

Sappy, yep, but true.

Best wishes with your health goals!

va_va_voom

My parents did some major damage to my body image when I was growing up. They constantly compared my body to my sister's body - we have totally different body types! I never got a straight compliment out of them. It was always followed by some kind of disclaimer... "You look nice in that outfit, but you'd look better if you lost 5 lbs" "You're pretty, but you're a different kind of pretty than your sister" (the reason I was told no when I wanted to apply to the same teen modeling program she was in at that age), "You're too "this"... you're not enough "that". The comments were pretty regular.

I owned a lot of them for a long time. Whether they were true or not doesn't really matter - they were damaging in the way that they were delivered.

Even just recently, I made a comment to her that I didn't want to be as thin as I was just 10 years ago b/c I was looking at pictures and could see bones sticking out in places they shouldn't have been sticking out. Her response was that *she* would want to see those bones sticking out on her if she was me. *smh* Un.Healthy.

Thankfully, I am now able to see the comments for how unrealistic and damaging they are now (for the most part). My current body issues are my own. lol But, when I struggle, I remind myself that I just gave birth to baby #4 a few months ago and need to be patient with my body as it recovers.

When your dad says something like that, thank him for sharing his opinion - then remind yourself that it's *just his opinion* and let it go. Most parents honestly mean well, they just don't realize how hurtful their comments come across and pointing it out to them just makes them defensive.

MrsRadder

Just respond with the question, "Jealous?". It works for hair comments as well!

Seriously that is really to bad. I am sorry dear.

sunshinedazed

I love my mother very much, but she's the queen of idiotic pseudo-compliments. I know first hand how much it hurts when someone points out something that you're already sensitive about. The only thing to do is allow yourself to hurt, and move on. Our parents are often set in their ways. I've told my mother countless times how her little jabs hurt me, but she simply isn't capable of understanding WHY they hurt.

When you think of it in that light, they become just people, as flawed as anyone, and instead of anger and hurt, I just feel bad for her that she must be in a pretty bad place if she's so set on pointing out my every flaw. Have compassion and realize that your life is only yours, and your father can't take that away.

tuffytuffy1

I cannot understand why a parent would make comments like that! I too had that from both my parents. My mom's question would always be, "When are you going to lose your weight?" My dad once remarked that he saw cellulite on the front of my thighs, and he was grossed out -- this coming from a 350 pound 5 foot 7 man:huh: Try not to let it get to you. If I were you, I would tell him how you feel.

anakinlover

My dad, both my parents really, had that kind of power over me for a long time. I am 36 and a parent now myself and what I started doing is I do not tell them much. If I am trying to write or get a job or lose weight, I usually keep it to myself so they do not discourage me. Also, as I ahve gotten older I no longer see them as parents as much as I see them as people. They are flawed, damaged, hurt people just like I am. They do not know more than I do anymore. In a lot of cases they know less. My life is mine now. They cannot dictate how it will go. They do not decide who I am.

Now from a parent's perspective, I am not perfect. I feel gulity a lot. Sometimes I say things I should not say to my children. I say things like "You are lazy." or "You are never organized." I am labeling them and hurting them possibly for life when I do this. And when I look at myself in the mirror I see the truth. I am only saying to them WHAT I THINK ABOUT MYSELF.

When we put others down we are seeing in them what we refuse to see in ourselves. Your dad is insecure about his own weight and he is reflecting that onto you. What he says means nothing. It does not change the fact that you are thin, unless you let it.

I am sorry you are going through this. Try as much as you can to detach from his words. Try to know they are meaningless and it takes nothing away from all that you have done, all your successes.

Thanks for your honesty. I , too find myself sharing less with my mom. At one time her approval meant the world to me, but now she no longer has any authority. As you have said. She is older than me, not necessarily smarter. Any comments she makes, no matter what the subject are actually critiques coming for her own unhappiness. I have also labeled my kids, shamefully so, and am making great efforts to no longer do so. I hope they can see that I am flawed but am trying to make changes for the better. I do not want them to see me as I sometimes see my mom. I find myself less angry at my mom and more sorry for her as I get older.

christinedean14

There comes a time in everyone's life that you end up "parenting" your parents. My parents are the exact same way. About 5 years ago, I just put them in their place. I reminded them that those things are very hurtful and unless that was their intention, then they needed to start thinking before they speak. Otherwise, I would start saying what was on my mind about them too or I would just cut them out of my life. It brought my mom to tears and my dad got very angry, but neither of them have made comments since then.
I still do have to put them in their place with ignorant comments about other things. I learned that unless I speak up and tell them how it hurts me and how they need to stop, then they have that one chance to change it. If they don't, then they will meet the "b**ch in me and our relationship would be lost forever until they changed.
I am sure you don't let other people "bully" you around, so don't let them either. Stay strong!!!!

nikkiprickett

wow, if you can see your abs, your tummy obviously isn't big!!
I'm guessing he's probably just upset that you're doing something he isn't and seeing progress
that he isn't working for so it's making him mad...
but him being a parent and saying that is beyond ridiculous no matter how much he's upset about it.

you're doing great!
use it as motivation! and tell him to eff off