I've been gone a long time...

DustysMomma

I'll be 40 in October. I'm 5'10" and 272 lbs. I've always been built big, even as a teenager when I was thin. A wk after my 19th birthday, my ex & I lost our first child when I was 7-1/2 months pregnant. 4 months later, I got pregnant with my son, who will be 20 in November. I suffered from depression and, just like since elementary school when my classmates picked on me for being "fat", my ex-husband, who never had a weight problem in his life, badgered me and belittled me about my weight for 15 years.

We divorced in 2005 and I lost about 40 pounds and was finally back to what I was before I got pregnant with my youngest son (180 pounds), then I broke my foot and ankle. It took 11 months for the broken bone in my foot to even begin to heal because of the type of break. I gained about 30 pounds in that time and it had a negative effect on my other knee because most of the time I would stand or walk in such a way to take the pressure off my broken foot. In 2007, I began an 18 month fight with frozen shoulder, which quickly affected both arms. I never got my full range back and all it takes is a wrong move in my sleep for 1 or both to hurt me for days again. In January, I started having pain in my foot, which it turns out is a heel spur in my right foot. The doctor says I have to go through 6 months of treatment, including 1 month in a cast (which means no driving, which I can't do), before he will operate to take it off. He's hoping it will go away on its own before that and it won't be necessary.

If it were just me, I could make it work and get the weight off. When I first divorced, I lost my weight by eating salads and Lean Cuisine dinners, with the occasional McDonalds chicken nuggets (no fries) if I was really craving fattening things. About the time I broke my foot, I met my boyfriend of now 6 years. He's a medication-controlled diabetic and obsessed with going to the gym, but then will go to McDonald's and have 2 Big Mac's, a 10-piece nugget, fries, and a Diet Coke (or large vanilla milkshake) immediately after, then wonder why he's not loosing weight. Five years ago, my son moved in with us. Since he was 8, he's broken all 4 limbs, had 2 knee surgeries for congenital issues which are now 100% healed, and up until about 6 months ago was dealing with migraines that turned out to be an undiagnosed sinus issue that was correctable by surgery, after it took trips to 5 doctors in 2 states for 1 to suggest an MRI. He's unfortunately built like me, and tall like his dad. So he's 6'3" and his BMI is currently at 31, as calculated by our local navy recruiter.

See, he wants to go in the navy, but has to get his BMI down to 24 before they will send him for processing. We all need to do this together or I will NEVER make it and Dusty won't make it. He needs this to have a future though, since he's been suspended from college until January for his grades. My boyfriend got up and went walking at 7am with his 2 best friends this morning, then came home & showered before going out and bringing donuts home for breakfast. I had half a bowl of shredded wheat instead. I find that a lot of days lately I don't eat breakfast, lunch, or both, knowing that it's the only way to get my daily calories down. Yes, before anyone says it, I know that's not the best thing for you.

So, because of all this, I've been away from here for 5 months, give or take. I feel so defeated. I feel like a terrible mother for letting my son be in this position. His dad badgered and belittled his weight like he did me (even with the broken limbs, migraines since he was 8, and the depression), and demanded way too much out of him before our divorce, so now there's very little in this world he cares about. Getting away from here seems the be the one thing that matters, but getting from where he is now to being able to do that with the navy is a long way off and he can't seem to find the path. My boyfriend actually came home this morning and told me that instead of the navy, he needs to go in the marines "because they won't let him quit". Their max BMI is 18. He doesn't get that.

I just don't know what to do or where to start...