Wanting to be back with ex-fiance

jenilla1

Sometimes, the best way to help someone change for the better is to move on. I think he is more likely to really change if he gets himself together first, then tries again with someone new. Sounds like the two of you have a lot more living and growing to do before you commit to anyone seriously. You are very young and have so much to experience! Live a little first! Good luck! :flowerforyou:

Articeluvsmemphis

if you really like(love) him, give it time. if you're willing to work and he's willing to work on making the relationship healthy and sustainable then give it time. ask him how he feels about getting back together. if you considered marriage these are the things you have to do anyway, COMMUNICATE, and not flee at the first signs of problems.

premiumchilenita

Change has to come from both sides, and it really does sound that things really did get out of hand. Pushing and shoving is not ok, both ways.
You are young, if you were already married than I would suggest for you to try and fix it, but your not. So find someone that already has those qualities that you need in your life. You may be in love, and very deeply that you feel that you are made for each other but love does go and then you see the raw elements that are those things that you really don't need in your life. Take your time, date and find the one you truly do connect with, not just with love, paths may cross but sometimes it's just to learn some valuable lessons.
Let him go and focus on being happy with yourself.
Oh, and lay off the alcohol, it does bring problems :bigsmile:

Bahet

Write down a list of pros and cons. I'm betting the list of cons will be longer and more detailed while the pros will be things like "soul mate" and "I love him". I cannot imagine any parent being thrilled if their teenager gets engaged. At least they came to their senses when he turned violent. Hopefully you will too. You are too young to be able to think about it logically and realistically. You obviously still see love and lust and sex and not much else. Imagine in 10 years what it will be like. You have a child ro 2 and he's throwing a temper tantrum and breaking furniture and pushing you. Do you really want your kids seeing that? Or worse, getting hit by a piece of wood or glass that he broke? How do you think you will be managing financially if he won't work and when he does he can't keep a job? If you stay in that situation your life will suck. Your rose colored glasses will fade and reality that you married a bum will set in.

I had a "soul mate" when I was your age too. I imagined that we would get married and live in a nice home and raise a happy family. Fortunately, I was able to lift the rose colored glasses and realized that I deserved better - and that guy wasn't ever remotey violent. He just drank too much and had no ambition. I wanted more. Shortly after we broke up I met my now husband. We live a very good life and have a wonderful family. I reconnected wih my ex on Facebook. He's living alone with a dog, has no job, is renting a small apartment, and is broke.

rml_16

I'm still stuck on the families being thrilled that you two got engaged at 18 years old after only a month of dating.

I think you both need counseling and perhaps to cut back on the booze and then see what happens.

I won't say things can't work out for you if he makes changes and is serious about them, but it sounds like there are a lot of deep-seeded issues going on here.

Living4Liz2012

I've been in your shoes before BUT was 17 years old at the time...YES people can change but by the time I was 20 years old I wanted to go out and experience life, and enjoy. I didn't wanna be tied down because between the ages of 17-21 you should be having fun, figuring out who you are and what you want in life. Your young, and trust me you will meet men, fall in love, get your heart broken BUT sooner or later the right guy for you will come alone. That's your call chick because who am I to tell you what to do??? Just make sure it's a decision you will never regret...If you can see yourself with him 5, 10, hell 50 years from now go for it. Just know it's your life, and yes I know your family cares and is looking out for you BUT YOUR THE ONE WHO HAS TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH HIM

fionarama

if you are serious about him, and serious enough about life to make that kind of commitment, quit with the drinking and partying. Live a good clean celibate life for 3-6 months. You will find life will suddenly seem clear and obvious and you will make a sensible decision.
if you are serious about help;ing your partner work through his issues you will stop with that sort of lifestyle yourself.

leomom72

bump

gwenmf

You are nineteen years old and you live in America. You haven't even lived a quarter of your life expectancy. How can you expect to know what you want?

Get a new place and find someone new when you're not looking. There is way too much more to do in life.
-wtk

I live in the UK, and too me he feels like he is my soulmate - there are so many times that our paths crossed before actually meeting, and I feel like im losing my one and only! ♥

If he truly IS your one and only, you won't lose him. But you don't want a life filled with turmoil. That's no kind of life. I lived that for a while. Trust me, true happiness comes from being on your own, or in a relationsihp with someone who doesn't hurt you or throw temper tantrams like a child. Don't cement yourself to someone because you think he's your one and only....take it a day at a time and make him prove he's gotten something out of the therapy. If you're meant to be together for life, waiting a couple years isn't much time. Good luck for a life of happiness.

gwenmf

if you are serious about him, and serious enough about life to make that kind of commitment, quit with the drinking and partying. Live a good clean celibate life for 3-6 months. You will find life will suddenly seem clear and obvious and you will make a sensible decision.
if you are serious about help;ing your partner work through his issues you will stop with that sort of lifestyle yourself.

agree completely! when you party and drink too much, you're not in your right frame of mind

baddbob

There are two things you have said that are huge DANGER signals. "If he sorted out his anger and got a job." You need to get as far away from a guy like this as possible. The odd that someone like this gets better and sustains the improvement is slim to none. Trust your family's instincts.

You also said "I've reached a stage in my life." Unless you are in your 30's or 40's, you haven't reached any new stage. You haven't been with this sod long enough to be getting to a new stage in life. Throw out the old and bring in the new. Find a guy who will cherish you the way he is and won't need a major overhaul to do so. Life is way too short to deal with broken people. Let someone else fix him.

I don't know you, but I've heard this same story hundreds of times and it never ends well.

Badd Bob

curvykim78

You're still really young...Ask yourself- Do I want to deal with this *kitten* for the rest of my life? SOmeone who gets easily angered and is violent? If he doesn't get help, it will get better not worse....then you are putting yourself into danger. Do you want to live in fear daily of when you're going to get your a** kicked next? I wouldn't...Walk away now, before you have kids or before you get hurt. You think your familys mad at him now-wait until he abuses you or kills you...

REET420

Imagine in 10 years what it will be like. You have a child ro 2 and he's throwing a temper tantrum and breaking furniture and pushing you. Do you really want your kids seeing that?

^^^^
This. As someone who grew up in such an environment. How do we know he won't hit the kids? The kids grow up angry and repeat the same behaviours. I can NOT control my anger as an adult I can't make friends or or keep a job because my outbursts are very aggressive and violent

traceyjayne64

well for what its worth, i do think people can change...if they want to.
I met my husband in 1988, we married in 1990 and we had a volatile yet passionate marriage, he was the love of my life and i adored him despite our rows and violence. He worked very hard but liked a drink and i was jealous and moody....not a good combination.
We got divorced in 1994 but still met up for another 2 years then i moved on.
But really i didnt. I never ever got over him, i missed him every day and from what i hear he felt the same. He spiralled out of control and got into alot of trouble. Neither of us managed to make new relationships work.

In the whole time we were apart i looked him up but never contacted him. Then in March 2009 at a bad time in my life after the death of my dad, i did go and knock on his door.

Within minutes it was all still there for both of us. We remarried in Dec 2009. Things are great, we argue, we always will, but not like before. He is my soulmate, the love of my life and i cant imagine a day without him with me.

SnookiBaby92

You are so young and for that I give you so much credit for hoping for the best. As for the reality of the situation, yes people can change but "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" as the saying goes. If HE wants to change and be a better person, then there is a chance. Speaking from experience, I was in a situation where I was with a man for 10 years. Prior to the steady time, we saw each other occasionally because I seem to be a crutch for him. He is my daughter's father but after 10 years, he resorted back to his selfish ways and left one day. He blamed it on the conflict between HIS teenage daughter and myself but I know it was time for him to move on. Believe it or not, he still contacts me and plays on my unconditional love for him. Listen - YOU WANT SOMEONE WHO WANTS YOU FOR ALL THE RIGHT REASONS.... If it is meant to be, he will have to find a way within himself to come to terms with his issues and realize that you two can work. You can't force it or make it happen. I hope things work out for you in a way that will provide long lasting happiness in your life ~whatever that may be:)

Hi,

I am not forcing him to do anything - he made the decision to get help! I am actively trying to find somewhere else to live as I know that being apart will either make us stronger or tear us apart so either way I'll know were the relationship will stand! xx

SnookiBaby92

well for what its worth, i do think people can change...if they want to.
I met my husband in 1988, we married in 1990 and we had a volatile yet passionate marriage, he was the love of my life and i adored him despite our rows and violence. He worked very hard but liked a drink and i was jealous and moody....not a good combination.
We got divorced in 1994 but still met up for another 2 years then i moved on.
But really i didnt. I never ever got over him, i missed him every day and from what i hear he felt the same. He spiralled out of control and got into alot of trouble. Neither of us managed to make new relationships work.

In the whole time we were apart i looked him up but never contacted him. Then in March 2009 at a bad time in my life after the death of my dad, i did go and knock on his door.

Within minutes it was all still there for both of us. We remarried in Dec 2009. Things are great, we argue, we always will, but not like before. He is my soulmate, the love of my life and i cant imagine a day without him with me.

I am really happy that you and your husband have a happy ending to your relationship It's nice too hear good stories for a change!

SnookiBaby92

Forgot too mention he has ADHD and has a Psychiatrist - his psychiatrist's views on it was he can control his anger, but needs too know the triggers and turn his anger from being a negative into positive e.g. when he knows he's getting angry instead of arguing, walking away

like alot of people are saying yes I am young, I completely understand that....

if we had children he could possibly use his anger on the children... completly understand that hence why we are not together now.

He is getting help and not because of me - because he chose that he did not want too live his life being angry all the time and not even knowing why!

As for me giving up the partying and the drinking - Im sorry, but I was not doing these things when I was with my ex, and do it this once a week as a social gathering and meeting new people (nothing wrong with that)!

I am serious about being with my ex, and he says he wants too be with me as I was the only decent thing in his life and he knows he has screwed it up, I am not stupid to go running back.... and I actually think that I have made a mature decision with the whole one of us moves out and we take it from their. I understand (if possible) for him to change I cannot be holding his hand - I also understand that maybe he is just getting help at the moment because of me - so by waiting and seeing how things are when we are not living together will show me how much he actually wants to change because possibly he might stop getting help as soon as I leave.

I would like to believe that if we are meant to be then we will be, at this moment in time I know there is no way we can be together

Bahet

well for what its worth, i do think people can change...if they want to.
I met my husband in 1988, we married in 1990 and we had a volatile yet passionate marriage, he was the love of my life and i adored him despite our rows and violence. He worked very hard but liked a drink and i was jealous and moody....not a good combination.
We got divorced in 1994 but still met up for another 2 years then i moved on.
But really i didnt. I never ever got over him, i missed him every day and from what i hear he felt the same. He spiralled out of control and got into alot of trouble. Neither of us managed to make new relationships work.

In the whole time we were apart i looked him up but never contacted him. Then in March 2009 at a bad time in my life after the death of my dad, i did go and knock on his door.

Within minutes it was all still there for both of us. We remarried in Dec 2009. Things are great, we argue, we always will, but not like before. He is my soulmate, the love of my life and i cant imagine a day without him with me.

I am really happy that you and your husband have a happy ending to your relationship It's nice too hear good stories for a change!

This post just sent up another huge red flag. You've had 2 pages of people giving you advice and the ONLY one you actually choose to listen to and not make an excuse for him with is the one where it worked out OK.

I can tell you a story about my former next door neighbor who was with a man very much like the way you described your boyfriend. Their relationship was very similar to what you describe between the 2 of you. then one day in a jealous rage he beat her, stomped on her head while wearing steel toed boots, loaded her barely conscious, semi-coherent body into the car along with their 3 young kids and drove a few hundred miles from AZ into CA before he was arrested thanks to his 7yo informing a gas station attendant that his mommy was hurt and the attendant calling the police. She died 2 weeks later.

But, I don't belive for one second that you will give that the same consideration or relate it to your situation the way you do the 1 happy ending. Make no mistake - the happy ending is the rarity when you are talking about immaturity, unwillingness to work, inability to keep a job, and violence.

kapeluza

What a snoozefest.

You're 19, go live life and reach your potential! The guy is not going to change, stop being in denial.
I mean do you really want to be tied down at 19? That just seems awful.

victoria4321

Maybe you need a psychiatrist more than your bf. Then they can find the root cause of your lack of self esteem and why you dont think you deserve better.