Wanting to be back with ex-fiance
Replies
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There are two things you have said that are huge DANGER signals. "If he sorted out his anger and got a job." You need to get as far away from a guy like this as possible. The odd that someone like this gets better and sustains the improvement is slim to none. Trust your family's instincts.
You also said "I've reached a stage in my life." Unless you are in your 30's or 40's, you haven't reached any new stage. You haven't been with this sod long enough to be getting to a new stage in life. Throw out the old and bring in the new. Find a guy who will cherish you the way he is and won't need a major overhaul to do so. Life is way too short to deal with broken people. Let someone else fix him.
I don't know you, but I've heard this same story hundreds of times and it never ends well.
Badd Bob0 -
You're still really young...Ask yourself- Do I want to deal with this *kitten* for the rest of my life? SOmeone who gets easily angered and is violent? If he doesn't get help, it will get better not worse....then you are putting yourself into danger. Do you want to live in fear daily of when you're going to get your a** kicked next? I wouldn't...Walk away now, before you have kids or before you get hurt. You think your familys mad at him now-wait until he abuses you or kills you...0
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Imagine in 10 years what it will be like. You have a child ro 2 and he's throwing a temper tantrum and breaking furniture and pushing you. Do you really want your kids seeing that?
^^^^
This. As someone who grew up in such an environment. How do we know he won't hit the kids? The kids grow up angry and repeat the same behaviours. I can NOT control my anger as an adult I can't make friends or or keep a job because my outbursts are very aggressive and violent
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well for what its worth, i do think people can change...if they want to.
I met my husband in 1988, we married in 1990 and we had a volatile yet passionate marriage, he was the love of my life and i adored him despite our rows and violence. He worked very hard but liked a drink and i was jealous and moody....not a good combination.
We got divorced in 1994 but still met up for another 2 years then i moved on.
But really i didnt. I never ever got over him, i missed him every day and from what i hear he felt the same. He spiralled out of control and got into alot of trouble. Neither of us managed to make new relationships work.
In the whole time we were apart i looked him up but never contacted him. Then in March 2009 at a bad time in my life after the death of my dad, i did go and knock on his door.
Within minutes it was all still there for both of us. We remarried in Dec 2009. Things are great, we argue, we always will, but not like before. He is my soulmate, the love of my life and i cant imagine a day without him with me.0 -
You are so young and for that I give you so much credit for hoping for the best. As for the reality of the situation, yes people can change but "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" as the saying goes. If HE wants to change and be a better person, then there is a chance. Speaking from experience, I was in a situation where I was with a man for 10 years. Prior to the steady time, we saw each other occasionally because I seem to be a crutch for him. He is my daughter's father but after 10 years, he resorted back to his selfish ways and left one day. He blamed it on the conflict between HIS teenage daughter and myself but I know it was time for him to move on. Believe it or not, he still contacts me and plays on my unconditional love for him. Listen - YOU WANT SOMEONE WHO WANTS YOU FOR ALL THE RIGHT REASONS.... If it is meant to be, he will have to find a way within himself to come to terms with his issues and realize that you two can work. You can't force it or make it happen. I hope things work out for you in a way that will provide long lasting happiness in your life ~whatever that may be:)
Hi,
I am not forcing him to do anything - he made the decision to get help! I am actively trying to find somewhere else to live as I know that being apart will either make us stronger or tear us apart so either way I'll know were the relationship will stand! xx0 -
well for what its worth, i do think people can change...if they want to.
I met my husband in 1988, we married in 1990 and we had a volatile yet passionate marriage, he was the love of my life and i adored him despite our rows and violence. He worked very hard but liked a drink and i was jealous and moody....not a good combination.
We got divorced in 1994 but still met up for another 2 years then i moved on.
But really i didnt. I never ever got over him, i missed him every day and from what i hear he felt the same. He spiralled out of control and got into alot of trouble. Neither of us managed to make new relationships work.
In the whole time we were apart i looked him up but never contacted him. Then in March 2009 at a bad time in my life after the death of my dad, i did go and knock on his door.
Within minutes it was all still there for both of us. We remarried in Dec 2009. Things are great, we argue, we always will, but not like before. He is my soulmate, the love of my life and i cant imagine a day without him with me.
I am really happy that you and your husband have a happy ending to your relationship
It's nice too hear good stories for a change! 0 -
Forgot too mention he has ADHD and has a Psychiatrist - his psychiatrist's views on it was he can control his anger, but needs too know the triggers and turn his anger from being a negative into positive e.g. when he knows he's getting angry instead of arguing, walking away
like alot of people are saying yes I am young, I completely understand that....
if we had children he could possibly use his anger on the children... completly understand that hence why we are not together now.
He is getting help and not because of me - because he chose that he did not want too live his life being angry all the time and not even knowing why!
As for me giving up the partying and the drinking - Im sorry, but I was not doing these things when I was with my ex, and do it this once a week as a social gathering and meeting new people (nothing wrong with that)!
I am serious about being with my ex, and he says he wants too be with me as I was the only decent thing in his life and he knows he has screwed it up, I am not stupid to go running back.... and I actually think that I have made a mature decision with the whole one of us moves out and we take it from their. I understand (if possible) for him to change I cannot be holding his hand - I also understand that maybe he is just getting help at the moment because of me - so by waiting and seeing how things are when we are not living together will show me how much he actually wants to change because possibly he might stop getting help as soon as I leave.
I would like to believe that if we are meant to be then we will be, at this moment in time I know there is no way we can be together0 -
This post just sent up another huge red flag. You've had 2 pages of people giving you advice and the ONLY one you actually choose to listen to and not make an excuse for him with is the one where it worked out OK.well for what its worth, i do think people can change...if they want to.
I met my husband in 1988, we married in 1990 and we had a volatile yet passionate marriage, he was the love of my life and i adored him despite our rows and violence. He worked very hard but liked a drink and i was jealous and moody....not a good combination.
We got divorced in 1994 but still met up for another 2 years then i moved on.
But really i didnt. I never ever got over him, i missed him every day and from what i hear he felt the same. He spiralled out of control and got into alot of trouble. Neither of us managed to make new relationships work.
In the whole time we were apart i looked him up but never contacted him. Then in March 2009 at a bad time in my life after the death of my dad, i did go and knock on his door.
Within minutes it was all still there for both of us. We remarried in Dec 2009. Things are great, we argue, we always will, but not like before. He is my soulmate, the love of my life and i cant imagine a day without him with me.
I am really happy that you and your husband have a happy ending to your relationship It's nice too hear good stories for a change!
I can tell you a story about my former next door neighbor who was with a man very much like the way you described your boyfriend. Their relationship was very similar to what you describe between the 2 of you. then one day in a jealous rage he beat her, stomped on her head while wearing steel toed boots, loaded her barely conscious, semi-coherent body into the car along with their 3 young kids and drove a few hundred miles from AZ into CA before he was arrested thanks to his 7yo informing a gas station attendant that his mommy was hurt and the attendant calling the police. She died 2 weeks later.
But, I don't belive for one second that you will give that the same consideration or relate it to your situation the way you do the 1 happy ending. Make no mistake - the happy ending is the rarity when you are talking about immaturity, unwillingness to work, inability to keep a job, and violence.0 -
What a snoozefest.
You're 19, go live life and reach your potential! The guy is not going to change, stop being in denial.
I mean do you really want to be tied down at 19? That just seems awful.0 -
Maybe you need a psychiatrist more than your bf. Then they can find the root cause of your lack of self esteem and why you dont think you deserve better.0
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just my opinion but i think 19 years old is too young to make a life-long commitment to some one. the person you are now is not the person you will be in 5 years.0
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Uh...people do not change. I speak from experiance...met my ex husband at 15, had a kid at 18, married at 19, divorced at 26. He is still the pot smoking, drinking, kid based mentality, gaming guy I met way back when. He never grew up and he never controlled his anger. He was verbally abusive nd would at times throw things around the house. Get out of the flat and do not speak with this guy again. If you had married him there would be a good chance he would be abusive towards you. Seriously, I never should have gotten married so young. You need to wait a few years...and for goodness sake....do not get engaged after knowing someone for only a few months. I got engaged after 3 years of knowing my ex.0
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This post just sent up another huge red flag. You've had 2 pages of people giving you advice and the ONLY one you actually choose to listen to and not make an excuse for him with is the one where it worked out OK.well for what its worth, i do think people can change...if they want to.
I met my husband in 1988, we married in 1990 and we had a volatile yet passionate marriage, he was the love of my life and i adored him despite our rows and violence. He worked very hard but liked a drink and i was jealous and moody....not a good combination.
We got divorced in 1994 but still met up for another 2 years then i moved on.
But really i didnt. I never ever got over him, i missed him every day and from what i hear he felt the same. He spiralled out of control and got into alot of trouble. Neither of us managed to make new relationships work.
In the whole time we were apart i looked him up but never contacted him. Then in March 2009 at a bad time in my life after the death of my dad, i did go and knock on his door.
Within minutes it was all still there for both of us. We remarried in Dec 2009. Things are great, we argue, we always will, but not like before. He is my soulmate, the love of my life and i cant imagine a day without him with me.
I am really happy that you and your husband have a happy ending to your relationship It's nice too hear good stories for a change!
I can tell you a story about my former next door neighbor who was with a man very much like the way you described your boyfriend. Their relationship was very similar to what you describe between the 2 of you. then one day in a jealous rage he beat her, stomped on her head while wearing steel toed boots, loaded her barely conscious, semi-coherent body into the car along with their 3 young kids and drove a few hundred miles from AZ into CA before he was arrested thanks to his 7yo informing a gas station attendant that his mommy was hurt and the attendant calling the police. She died 2 weeks later.
But, I don't belive for one second that you will give that the same consideration or relate it to your situation the way you do the 1 happy ending. Make no mistake - the happy ending is the rarity when you are talking about immaturity, unwillingness to work, inability to keep a job, and violence.
I have taking into account everything every1 has posted - like you said the good stories are rare hence why I commented on that! I take my safety into account and the story about your neighbour that is sad! I dont want to end up beaten hence why we arent together at the moment - I just like to think that if some issues were addressed then maybe we could start again! not saying im going rushing back to him now! like i have already posted I am looking for somewhere else too live and do believe that if we were to EVER get back together then it would obviously take time otherwise we would just be starting where we left off with no issues resolved! and I have not said that me and him are definately getting back together I would just like to think of it as a possibility even though I know the chances are slim of that happening!0 -
Your still a teenager.. please believe that this will not be the first or last time you lose in love. I think you should move on. His anger will not go away, the counseling is only a "Band-Aid" to the situation.0
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He has already shown classic signs of an abuser. Too much too soon as far as relationships...people don't get engaged in a month my dear. Turning your family against him...so now its a test to see which you'll choose. He smashed a coffee table. Next will be your face.
You are nineteen. Life is too short to put up with people like that. Move on...and get some counseling for yourself to find out why you would ever accept someone treating you like that. You deserve better.
I know of which I speak. My marriage lasted 3 years. My wrist still gets sore when it rains where he fractured it. My 2 older kids are emotionally damaged by him. I have spent over 15K in legal fees. He owes me over 40K in child support.
RUN!0 -
Don't live with your ex-fiance, don't talk to him and start seeing other people. In 6 months, your perspective will be different. Best wishes!0
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Just be careful that you don't become a statisic of a volatile relationship that end in tragedy0
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I had a soulmate at your age too. Guess what? I'm not married to him today and thank goodness for that!
^this. I got back together with my "soulmate" after our first break up when I was19-20'ish. Bad idea. I don't know all the dynamics of your relationship, but seeing my friends and my own experience, getting back together with an ex is usually a waste of time.0 -
Walk away. You're very young and it is too hard to see how destructive a relationship can be when you are in the middle of it.
Go away and live your own life for a year - I'm willing to bet you would have a very different perspective at the end of that time.0 -
Move out. You are not truly "apart" until you are really apart. Abusive men CAN change but it is very very hard. A book that really helped me is unfortunately titled "Ditch That Jerk" but it described very clearly to me what had been happening to me during 20 years of marriage. The book divides abusive men into three categories...ones that can change, those that probably won't, and those that should be locked up. It will help you see the patterns of behavior that your ex has.
One thing that really really concerns me is that you are accepting some of the responsibility for his bad behavior. To me, that means you don't really see it as it is...abusive and dangerous.
You are lucky in that you have not married this guy yet. Get the book. Move out.0 -
Sorry, that I have not quoted all your posts and wrote back specifically to what you have replied with... but I have read all the replies.
Thanks for your views and opinions on violent ex's and getting back with ex's....also the replies about my self esteem - all are very useful....
& thanks to the person who posted about their happy ending although this is rare, congratulations on being able to work past your issues together!
my plan is too take a day at a time and not worry about my future life whatever happens will happen and all I can do is live now and do what makes me happy!
Thanks again for all your replies
I had my life all planned out with the fairytale ending - guess Im just naive, and didnt want to give it up!0 -
Hi All,
So a little background information here:
I met him a few days before I turned 18 and we started talking and getting closer and a few weeks later we were going out, a month later he proposed and we were engaged! (both families were happy!).... 8-9 months later, we got a flat and moved in together (very stressful times)... on my 19th birthday I had a friend up who I hadnt seen for years and we were having a little drink and a laugh my Fiance had had to much to drink and I was nipping at him for it - things kicked off and he ended up smashing our coffee table, by trying to flip it - police were involved and that caused major *kitten* between my family and him! we tried to to stay together but with his anger and lack of trying to get help we fell into same patterns as before and our arguin got worse e.g. lashing out, pushing eachother....
Anyways we have been split for a while, but are still living together - I love him, he loves me but we aren't together he is currently getting counselling for his anger and I have been going out and enjoying partying, drinking etc... I have got to the stage now my life feels empty without being with him! My family absolutely detest him, but that doesnt stop me wanting a future with him, we did talk about getting back together if he sorted his temper tantrums and if he got a job and could hold it down (some extra pressures that we were having while together)
Is it possible that people can change? and if so how do I tell my family if and when I decide if we get back together... so confused!
Maybe it's just because I'm old (I'm 29) but if he has anger issues (smashing furniture? pushing?) and can't hold down a job, I just can't see the appeal of this guy.
Do people change? Sure.
But don't expect marriage to be the changing factor. Marriage usually heightens those things that are negative about a person.0 -
Just read that his psychiatrist thinks it's a matter of him controlling his anger. NO!!!!!! He has control issues. Seriously, get the book "Ditch That Jerk." Really.
http://www.amazon.com/Ditch-That-Jerk-Dealing-Control/dp/0897932838/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1337001529&sr=1-1
And seriously do NOT look at one happy ending and think that can be you.0 -
Didnt read all responses, but from someone who was with the same guy since I was 16...and didnt turn out well
PLEASE dont settle...dont be afraid to be alone
Give yourself a chance to grow/mature...and date other people..life is too hard to be struggling at such a young age with a relationship with a man with anger issues etc
No do-overs...so think long and hard about what you want and deserve and the type of person you want to be with..and the relationship you want with your family (and the relationship you want your SO to have)
I think right now your family is scared and just wants the best for you.....
Good luck!
Kim0 -
I feel as if I'm missing something important. What is it?
1. We're not together
2. We're living in the same house
3. We're talking about marriage
4. My family can't stand the guy.
5. He has anger problems.
6. He can't find a steady job.
What is taking you so long to get rid of the guy? Yes, you love him. I get that. Question is: Do you love yourself?
Serious question: What would you recommend to your best friend if this same scenario were to take place? You are biased right now and holding on to hope, which is admirable. However, you know the answer to this problem, otherwise, you wouldn't have asked.
Don't be THAT girl. You know...the one who will end up in a woman's shelter with her 2 kids hiding from your "man" because he's "seeking counseling". Unfortunately, I believe that's where this is headed.0 -
I feel as if I'm missing something important. What is it?
1. We're not together
2. We're living in the same house
3. We're talking about marriage
4. My family can't stand the guy.
5. He has anger problems.
6. He can't find a steady job.
What is taking you so long to get rid of the guy? Yes, you love him. I get that. Question is: Do you love yourself?
Serious question: What would you recommend to your best friend if this same scenario were to take place? You are biased right now and holding on to hope, which is admirable. However, you know the answer to this problem, otherwise, you wouldn't have asked.
Don't be THAT girl. You know...the one who will end up in a woman's shelter with her 2 kids hiding from your "man" because he's "seeking counseling". Unfortunately, I believe that's where this is headed.
I couldn't agree with this more!! I wish I would have listened to advice before as my 'soul mate' from my teenage years (age 15-20) started out with 'anger issues' and in the end turned out pretty physically and emotionally abusive. Still to this day he hasn't 'held a job' nor changed. (from what I've heard) Later, I gave the same kind of guy the same chances to 'change' (showed anger issues, lack of appreciation for me, lack of motivation for his own life; and it ended up the same direction....drinking and physical violence.) From my experiences, it is a trait that is near impossible to change.
Life is just too short to ever be treated badly, or not appreciated by someone who 'loves you.' I've learned this the hard way!!
But in the end only you can make that decision for yourself. I hope the best for you dear.0 -
You are nineteen years old and you live in America. You haven't even lived a quarter of your life expectancy. How can you expect to know what you want?
Get a new place and find someone new when you're not looking. There is way too much more to do in life.
-wtk
I met my now husband when I was 20 years old. We dated for a year before getting married and have been together for seven years. I think it has LESS to do with age, and more to do with maturity and if you are both in the mindset that marriage is for the long haul. People nowadays, young and old, throw in the towel far too easy. Things get hard and they run. Marriage should be for life. Times get tough, but you stick it out! A Pastor at an old church of mine once said "The grass is not greener on the other side, the grass is greener where you water it" Put forth the effort in your relationship and it should flourish!0 -
I would say you are very young so it really depends. It seems like you both have a lot to work through.0
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I got married at 19 and divorced at 23. I thought he was my soulmate too, but 3 months after we got married, he started abusing me.. If your man has anger issues now, just wait!!!!
I am sorry hun, I am speaking from experience, you do not know what love is.
Move out, wait a few years and then see how you feel.0 -
You both sound like you have a lot of growing up to do. Separate yourself and if it's meant to be, it will be.0
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