Abusive Relationship

Amanda_Rae_Rae

I just finished having a short conversation via FB messaging with an old friend of mine. We have known each other since high school and were even best friends. There wasn't one day that would go by that we wouldn't be sharing stories about crushes or just gossip about things that teenage girls talk about. When she was 17, she got into a relationship with a guy, and from the beginning my other friends and I knew this dude wasn't good news. There were countless nights that she'd call me crying and telling me about all the things he'd say to her and how he'd cheat on her..etc. My friends and I could never convince her to leave him. This has been an ongoing process for years. During our Sophomore year of college, my friend and I started drifting apart. We both were involved in different clubs and had very different courses so it was expected though it did make me sad. It's been about two years since I have really had a a deep conversation with her, and about 2 months ago she called me to tell me that her boyfriend (same guy since she was 17) physically abused her for the first time. I convinced her to file a police report and took her to the hospital. She was so ready to press charges, and then out of nowhere she said she couldn't. I have been keeping in touch with her as best as possible, but she seems like a very different person now. She tells me she doesn't have contact with this guy anymore, but she has also distanced herself from me and many of her other friends. Today, she just told me that she had recently gotten a large breast augmentation. I told her I was happy that she was finally doing things for herself, but her reply is what scared me. She said that she feels that without them, she wouldn't be sufficient enough to find someone. I told her she is crazy because she's a brilliant and beautiful woman with many people who love her no matter what. After that she just said that she's not sure about anything anymore. That's all she said and never replied back. I tried calling her but she hasn't answered. I'm praying that this relationship hasn't completely skewed her perception of herself and life in general, but I'm more than sure it has. Has anyone ever dealt with something like this? Any advice?

therealangd

She should really get some counselling. She probably doesn't even realize how that relationship has skewed her outlook and crapped on her self esteem.

dreamingchild

I'm familiar with abusive relationships since those are the only type that I seem to have. I have issues. People don't realize how a verbally abusive relationship will change everything about you. Add to that if she is co-dependent. She's hurting and from the sounds of it is ready to fall into another abusive relationship.

There is something called loving yourself that sometime people don't get...because they think they aren't _____ enough. (fill in the blank with any number of words) Encourage her to find a 12 step group or a therapist. Let her know she's worth it...even if she doesn't think so.

Good luck.

PapaverSomniferum

Living that long with someone's whose entire contact with you invovles bring you down, WILL make you believe little of yourself.

Abusive relationships destroy the victim's self-worth. That's why they persist. That's the entire goal of the abuser, and it works.

Therapy does help. Friends who break through the isolation help (a lot). You showing that you care enough to keep coming around, showing kindness, even when she distances herself (or eventually attempts to push you away), can do more than any therapist. By showing up, making yourself known, and being around, you can prove to her (to her subconscious, to her conscious, to her self), that she's a human being worth caring about.

Self-love does NOT come from within for some people.

I was in abusive relationships for years and i still hate everything about myself. Everything.

but i've had therapy, and I have a good core group of friends who regularly reassure me that life's worth living and maybe i'm worth being a part of it. They have done more for me than they will ever know.

and i will allow no one (no man, woman, boss, stranger, or myself) to hurt, taunt, belittle, or beat me ever again.

Be that person for your friend. It won't be easy, but it will save her from the next abuser who latches itself onto her.

Amanda_Rae_Rae

Thanks, everybody, for the replies. I'm going to meet up with her this Friday and have a long conversation. I've brought up counseling with her after I took her to the hospital, but she took it very offensively. I'm going to push it in the most loving and caring way I can though regardless if she gets angry with me or not. Thank you again.

dreamingchild

but i've had therapy, and I have a good core group of friends who regularly reassure me that life's worth living and maybe i'm worth being a part of it. They have done more for me than they will ever know.

and i will allow no one (no man, woman, boss, stranger, or myself) to hurt, taunt, belittle, or beat me ever again.

Be that person for your friend. It won't be easy, but it will save her from the next abuser who latches itself onto her.

Well said...and thanks for pointing out that it isn't only significant others who can do this to a person.

laurenkoszola

I was in an abusive relationship, that I had finally gotten out of about 7 years ago. It takes a toll on the abused one tremendously. My parents forced me to get counseling because I was one of those who already had low self esteem to begin with, so I was preyed on by my abuser. I didn't like the idea of going to counseling but after I did, it helps so much. I was so in love with this loser that would abuse me, and going to counseling made me realize how much he manipulated me and how much I really did NOT love him. It will help her in the long run, and she is lucky to have a friend like yourself to help her through such a hard time.

mommy1126

An abusive relationship tears you down from the inside out. The abusers manage to have power over their victims, and the victims end up feeling worthless. When the cycle is broken, and the victim begins to empower themselves, that does not automatically undo the emotional damage.
I lived it. Tell your friend to find a good counselor. Often domestic violence shelters will offer counseling free of charge, and you don't have to be housed there in order to access the counseling services. Through counseling I was finally able to see that it truly was not me with the problem and that I deserved so much more! Anyone deserves more!
Be there for your friend. Just to listen. Don't tell her she is stupid if she still misses or has feelings for her ex (they were together a long time, that is natural). Just remind her that she is worth & deserves so much more than any abusive relationship/person will ever be able to give her. Tell her it is okay to make yourself a priority!