Divorce

nray3119
nray3119 Posts: 100 Member
edited December 19 in Chit-Chat
So I am new to being divorced. Anyone have any tips?
«13

Replies

  • PapaverSomniferum
    PapaverSomniferum Posts: 2,670 Member
    sorry, no tips

    but CONGRATULATIONS! :flowerforyou:
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,454 Member
    Yes. Good job on losing 200 lbs :tongue:
  • britaut2
    britaut2 Posts: 19
    I would say be true to yourself. Do not beat yourself up about "I should have". My marriage failed, but I did not fail. I have my daughter, who is a blessing to me. I did get something positive out of my marriage. I know its hard, but do take time for yourself. It can be just a relaxing bath or listening to music. Best of Luck.:flowerforyou:
  • susannahcooks
    susannahcooks Posts: 293 Member
    Have fun doing all the things you fantasized you would do if you were divorced while married. For me: hog the remote and watch really girlie **** on tv nonstop. Sleep in the center of the bed with ALL the covers. Toilet seat down, all the time. Pedicures again - my money, my business. Sleep in on Saturdays and hire someone else to clean the house.

    In reality: (1) Build your retirement as quickly as possible. For me the *kitten* got half of mine - which wasn't enough to begin with. Once I paid off the lawyers, I started putting every remaining cent towards retirement. Somebody has to take care of your hoard of cats when you die (kidding.)
    (2) Get your credit checked and look at EVERYTHING you and your ex-spouse have in common. Make sure things that are now the other's responsibility are OFF your credit - even if the divorce decree says it's the other's responsibilty - LENDERS DONT CARE. Its still yours - you can file the ex in contempt of court (the decree) and they can go to jail, but the debts are still your responsibility. Monitor that **** like its your life. Your future ability to do anything is dependent.
    (3) Remember what was fun about you before you met your ex. Do that alot. Get together with your friends (but don't bash or whine - let that be a fun zone that doesn't suck the joy out of the occasion for everyone). Go do stuff. Get out. All those friends that are just casual acquaitenances? Start planning lunches, dinners, movie dates, nights out, etc. Your social circle probably got all ****ed up - time to rebuild it.
    (4) Dont' call your ex, any friends that are now exclusively his/her domain, and none of your in-laws unless its CRITICAL (like if you have tax or medical **** that needs dealt with). Leave it alone. Everybody needs to heal - not just you and your ex. Those that matter will reach out and you'll get some closure with them later once the dust settles.

    I think that does it.
  • BAMFMeredith
    BAMFMeredith Posts: 2,810 Member
    I see by your photo you have kids...the only advice I can really give being a child of divorce and being split up from my son's dad: make sure your kids understand how much both you and your ex love them. They might be too young to understand everything, but as long as they know that nothing is their fault and that their parents are both there for them, they'll do ok.

    Obviously, I don't know the situation of your divorce, but I can only assume it was the best decision for your family, and your kids will be better off in the long run. Just focus on being the best independent you that you can, and the best mom you can be. Good luck with everything!
  • ZombieChaser
    ZombieChaser Posts: 1,555 Member
    I'm going through a separation as well, and the most important thing I can tell you is the following:

    Don't let ANYONE take the good that you have in you. No matter what happens, how hard things get or how ugly, be true to yourself and remain professional and civil at all times! It's difficult, trust me, but you will come out of this a better and stronger person for having taken the high road.

    Much love girl :)
  • budhandy
    budhandy Posts: 305 Member
    If you have any kids involed that should be the only reason to contact him, and then it should only be about the kids---but if your on good terms then thats your choice. For the most part i say enjoy it. It can get sucky, lonely, so I hope you have a good support system (freinds, family, so on) but if not there are great support groups out there.
  • nray3119
    nray3119 Posts: 100 Member
    Thank you so much! I tell my boys all the time how much I love them. He is kind of hit or miss on coming to see them so I make sure they know I love them more than anything in the world and their Dad does too. The first few times I told them when he was coming and after he bailed a few times, now I just let it be a surprise so they are not let down.
  • EmCarroll1990
    EmCarroll1990 Posts: 2,832 Member
    Go get some strange.
  • susannahcooks
    susannahcooks Posts: 293 Member
    Go get some strange.

    ^^This. But it's also okay not to be ready til you're ready :)
  • LuckyLeprechaun
    LuckyLeprechaun Posts: 6,296 Member
    now I just let it be a surprise so they are not let down.

    This is very kind of you.

    So many people play games and use their kids to hurt their ex. My husband's ex would tell the kids he was supposed to come for a visit, even when he wasn't. He would not know about the "visit" at all, but she would let them think he had disappointed them, when in fact she invented the whole thing. YUCK.

    It sounds like you're doing all you can to soften the kids' experience of this, and that's awesome.
  • CoryIda
    CoryIda Posts: 7,870 Member
    Breathe.

    My divorce will be finalized in two weeks from today, and although I am really glad to no longer be in that toxic environment, it's tough.

    Take some time to figure yourself out.

    Get support.

    And... breathe.
  • macpatti
    macpatti Posts: 4,280 Member
    My parents divorced when I was 10. My mother never bad mouthed my dad, ever. No matter what he did or didn't do, we never heard her say something bad about him. We're grown now and respect her so much for that.
  • Lula16
    Lula16 Posts: 628 Member
    I filed for divorce when my son was 4 months old and my daughter had just turned 2 yrs old. It was the hardest but best decision I made. He is a great father and is always in their lives. He chooses to pick them up every weekend not just every other weekend like the court ordered. Right after split, I focused only on myself and my kids. It took some time getting used to not depending on my ex but he has always been there for our kids. Our kids are now 12 yrs and 13 yrs old. We have an understanding and both agree on whats best for kids. We back and support each other. The important thing is to let your kids know that even though your not together, your still on the same team when it comes to discipline, punishment, or achievements.

    what i suggest is hold no hostility towards each other. Be civil for the kids. I wish nothing but the best of luck to you on this journey. Be strong and hold your head high.
  • stevewynjones
    stevewynjones Posts: 1,052 Member
    Someone tell me it gets easier? Please....
  • macpatti
    macpatti Posts: 4,280 Member
    Someone tell me it gets easier? Please....
    It will. With time.
  • Lula16
    Lula16 Posts: 628 Member
    Someone tell me it gets easier? Please....

    it does get easier. trust me.
  • susannahcooks
    susannahcooks Posts: 293 Member
    Someone tell me it gets easier? Please....
    It most assuredly does. And it gets better.
  • nray3119
    nray3119 Posts: 100 Member
    We will be ok :flowerforyou:
  • sillygoose1977
    sillygoose1977 Posts: 2,151 Member
    Go after what you really want in life. After all, you are divorced for a reason...
  • jbella99
    jbella99 Posts: 596 Member
    Make everything you do about you for awhile even if it feels completely selfish. Find yourself and wht you want in life.

    And it will get easier. It's hard but well worth it.
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,788 Member
    Just the tip?
  • Alex_is_Hawks
    Alex_is_Hawks Posts: 3,499 Member
    Have fun doing all the things you fantasized you would do if you were divorced while married. For me: hog the remote and watch really girlie **** on tv nonstop. Sleep in the center of the bed with ALL the covers. Toilet seat down, all the time. Pedicures again - my money, my business. Sleep in on Saturdays and hire someone else to clean the house.

    In reality: (1) Build your retirement as quickly as possible. For me the *kitten* got half of mine - which wasn't enough to begin with. Once I paid off the lawyers, I started putting every remaining cent towards retirement. Somebody has to take care of your hoard of cats when you die (kidding.)
    (2) Get your credit checked and look at EVERYTHING you and your ex-spouse have in common. Make sure things that are now the other's responsibility are OFF your credit - even if the divorce decree says it's the other's responsibilty - LENDERS DONT CARE. Its still yours - you can file the ex in contempt of court (the decree) and they can go to jail, but the debts are still your responsibility. Monitor that **** like its your life. Your future ability to do anything is dependent.
    (3) Remember what was fun about you before you met your ex. Do that alot. Get together with your friends (but don't bash or whine - let that be a fun zone that doesn't suck the joy out of the occasion for everyone). Go do stuff. Get out. All those friends that are just casual acquaitenances? Start planning lunches, dinners, movie dates, nights out, etc. Your social circle probably got all ****ed up - time to rebuild it.
    (4) Dont' call your ex, any friends that are now exclusively his/her domain, and none of your in-laws unless its CRITICAL (like if you have tax or medical **** that needs dealt with). Leave it alone. Everybody needs to heal - not just you and your ex. Those that matter will reach out and you'll get some closure with them later once the dust settles.

    I think that does it.

    ^^^ all of it. And don't wait on it...just do it.
  • BAMFMeredith
    BAMFMeredith Posts: 2,810 Member
    Thank you so much! I tell my boys all the time how much I love them. He is kind of hit or miss on coming to see them so I make sure they know I love them more than anything in the world and their Dad does too. The first few times I told them when he was coming and after he bailed a few times, now I just let it be a surprise so they are not let down.

    That's what I do with my son. His dad will come in town (he lives halfway across the country right now) to see him regularly for a while, then bail for a month or 2...it's kind of a long story. But when my son asks I just tell him I'm not sure when his dad will be back but he loves him and misses him. Being sure not to talk poorly about the absent parent is really important. As many awful things as I could say about him, I never say any of those things in front of my son and I just remind him that both his parents love him.
  • alphasigalum
    alphasigalum Posts: 86
    I got divorced about 2 years ago. I thought my life was over, I also lost a job around the same time! Even though I wanted to throw in the towel and give up, I decided to focus on me. I went to a divorce group class and it helped. I also ended up meeting a great man that I am marrying in 2 weeks. (We have been dating for over a year). He is amazing and I know there is someone out there for you, just like I found my love!
  • zellagrrl
    zellagrrl Posts: 439
    Remember who you are and take time to enjoy finding yourself again.
  • missingsocks
    missingsocks Posts: 24 Member
    Thank you so much! I tell my boys all the time how much I love them. He is kind of hit or miss on coming to see them so I make sure they know I love them more than anything in the world and their Dad does too. The first few times I told them when he was coming and after he bailed a few times, now I just let it be a surprise so they are not let down.

    That's exactly what I have to do for my little boy. I'd rather let him be surprised that he came to pick him up, rather than let down when he doesn't show up like he said he would.
  • mdsjmom98
    mdsjmom98 Posts: 333 Member
    Thank you so much! I tell my boys all the time how much I love them. He is kind of hit or miss on coming to see them so I make sure they know I love them more than anything in the world and their Dad does too. The first few times I told them when he was coming and after he bailed a few times, now I just let it be a surprise so they are not let down.

    Wise choice! My husband is a child of divorce, and his dad would let them down over and over. To this day his relationship is strained with his dad.
  • Bikini27
    Bikini27 Posts: 1,290 Member
    Go through the grieving process. You'll be better for it and when new opportunities appear, you will be emotionally and physically able to accept the challenges. Divorce grief is similar to dealing with a death, with the added burden of dealing with any self directed hate. Find a good friend, a counselor, anyone that will hold your hand through the harder parts until you can stand on your own.

    There is no set amount of time for the process, we're all different. It took me about a year to get through the whole process (married 2.5 years, together 5) and to start being able to date happily. There will be emotional set backs, but they will not derail everything you've worked towards so long as you keep working towards a happier you.

    Best of luck and trust me, there's always light at the end of that tunnel! :flowerforyou:
  • nray3119
    nray3119 Posts: 100 Member
    I got divorced about 2 years ago. I thought my life was over, I also lost a job around the same time! Even though I wanted to throw in the towel and give up, I decided to focus on me. I went to a divorce group class and it helped. I also ended up meeting a great man that I am marrying in 2 weeks. (We have been dating for over a year). He is amazing and I know there is someone out there for you, just like I found my love!
    Congratulations
This discussion has been closed.

Categories