Jealous Mother
hedwighigh
Posts: 299
Alright, my mom is obese but doesn't look bad or anything. My sister and I are both working to get healthier. Problem is that Mom is very passive aggressive towards me and my weight loss and working out. She doesn't bother my sister about it cause Mom knows that my sister won't take it and they don't see each other as frequently.
Odd thing is Mom is ALWAYS bragging about our weight loss to her friends but then she acts out when it's just me and her. For instance, she'll offer me treats or leave them out where I can see them to try and tempt me and then gets annoyed at me for rejecting her offers. The most recent passive aggressive event was when she bought be this little sweater in a large. That was nice of her and everything and she explained that she got me a large because I have broad shoulders. Okay, fine. I understand that, I do have broad shoulders. However, before I even tried it on (I knew it would fit), she went and bought the EXACT same thing in a size larger ... just in case my shoulders were too broad.... Okay, I can fit shirts in smalls and mediums. My shoulders are not THAT large. WTH? I told her I wasn't that big and she got mad at me. I think she internalized this information as me saying that people that wear those sizes (large and extra large) are automatically big. I don't think that. My shoulders are NOT that broad though.
Mom also swore up and down that I would never be able to reach a size small because women in our family always have large chests and broad shoulders. My chest reduced though and when I told her that she was wrong, she just dismissed it.
She only makes nice comments when other people are around. She's very narcissistic and everything is about her. So if me and my sister are losing weight ... it's not about us, it's about how bad that makes HER look. Me and my sister talk about weight loss all the time and Mom asked my sister what she's doing to lose weight. My sister told her that she was eating better and trying to be more active then all the excitement in Mom went away. She doesn't want to watch what she eats or figure out an exercise regime for herself. That's fine, but don't be a jerk to your daughters that have made the choice to better to their bodies.
Odd thing is Mom is ALWAYS bragging about our weight loss to her friends but then she acts out when it's just me and her. For instance, she'll offer me treats or leave them out where I can see them to try and tempt me and then gets annoyed at me for rejecting her offers. The most recent passive aggressive event was when she bought be this little sweater in a large. That was nice of her and everything and she explained that she got me a large because I have broad shoulders. Okay, fine. I understand that, I do have broad shoulders. However, before I even tried it on (I knew it would fit), she went and bought the EXACT same thing in a size larger ... just in case my shoulders were too broad.... Okay, I can fit shirts in smalls and mediums. My shoulders are not THAT large. WTH? I told her I wasn't that big and she got mad at me. I think she internalized this information as me saying that people that wear those sizes (large and extra large) are automatically big. I don't think that. My shoulders are NOT that broad though.
Mom also swore up and down that I would never be able to reach a size small because women in our family always have large chests and broad shoulders. My chest reduced though and when I told her that she was wrong, she just dismissed it.
She only makes nice comments when other people are around. She's very narcissistic and everything is about her. So if me and my sister are losing weight ... it's not about us, it's about how bad that makes HER look. Me and my sister talk about weight loss all the time and Mom asked my sister what she's doing to lose weight. My sister told her that she was eating better and trying to be more active then all the excitement in Mom went away. She doesn't want to watch what she eats or figure out an exercise regime for herself. That's fine, but don't be a jerk to your daughters that have made the choice to better to their bodies.
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my grandmother was like that. There comes a time in your life when you have to put aside those things that are not healthy for you. That, sadly, includes your mom's actions and attitudes. You know how she is and what she is going to do, so before you see her... brace yourself. Stand strong. Listen to the little voice inside of you that says "YOU ARE WRONG>>> I CAN DO IT AND I AM DOING IT!!) When she offers you treats, repeat that to yourself in your head, and make her wonder why you have that little smirk on your face...
You are worth the effort, don't let ANYONE sabatoge you! And if you need someone to talk to, friend me!0 -
I mean, I am lucky in that she's the only person that tries to knock me off at times. She just gets really mad when I get picky about food and stuff. I guess she probably thinks that if I eat treats and stuff, then that means she can too.
Doesn't work that way though. She can eat whatever she wants. I can eat whatever I want.0 -
Alright, my mom is obese but doesn't look bad or anything. My sister and I are both working to get healthier. Problem is that Mom is very passive aggressive towards me and my weight loss and working out. She doesn't bother my sister about it cause Mom knows that my sister won't take it and they don't see each other as frequently.
Odd thing is Mom is ALWAYS bragging about our weight loss to her friends but then she acts out when it's just me and her. For instance, she'll offer me treats or leave them out where I can see them to try and tempt me and then gets annoyed at me for rejecting her offers. The most recent passive aggressive event was when she bought be this little sweater in a large. That was nice of her and everything and she explained that she got me a large because I have broad shoulders. Okay, fine. I understand that, I do have broad shoulders. However, before I even tried it on (I knew it would fit), she went and bought the EXACT same thing in a size larger ... just in case my shoulders were too broad.... Okay, I can fit shirts in smalls and mediums. My shoulders are not THAT large. WTH? I told her I wasn't that big and she got mad at me. I think she internalized this information as me saying that people that wear those sizes (large and extra large) are automatically big. I don't think that. My shoulders are NOT that broad though.
Mom also swore up and down that I would never be able to reach a size small because women in our family always have large chests and broad shoulders. My chest reduced though and when I told her that she was wrong, she just dismissed it.
She only makes nice comments when other people are around. She's very narcissistic and everything is about her. So if me and my sister are losing weight ... it's not about us, it's about how bad that makes HER look. Me and my sister talk about weight loss all the time and Mom asked my sister what she's doing to lose weight. My sister told her that she was eating better and trying to be more active then all the excitement in Mom went away. She doesn't want to watch what she eats or figure out an exercise regime for herself. That's fine, but don't be a jerk to your daughters that have made the choice to better to their bodies.
Have you ever read SURVIVING THE BORDERLINE MOTHER? You should. Sorry
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Have you ever read SURVIVING THE BORDERLINE MOTHER? You should. Sorry
It's ironic that you ask that because I've read "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" and I've been told by several people that my mother has to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline. Double whammy.0 -
Have you ever read SURVIVING THE BORDERLINE MOTHER? You should. Sorry
It's ironic that you ask that because I've read "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" and I've been told by several people that my mother has to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline. Double whammy.
Ya. I have one of those mothers too. Sad, but true. Oh the stories . . . but that's why I live on the opposite side of the country from her.0 -
Have you ever read SURVIVING THE BORDERLINE MOTHER? You should. Sorry
It's ironic that you ask that because I've read "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" and I've been told by several people that my mother has to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline. Double whammy.
Ya. I have one of those mothers too. Sad, but true. Oh the stories . . . but that's why I live on the opposite side of the country from her.
Yea, she's always had a rather strained relationship with my sister while she tries to control the heck out of me. But then she just doesn't seem to understand why I'm moving 4 hours away from her.0 -
Sometimes we get stuck having to make those hard decisions of standing up for yourself more or staying away for awhile until she is willing to treat you with more respect. My ex's mother is only truly happy when one of her kids fail so she can feel superior. It's really sick and because of it my ex only sees her once or twice every two years.
Speaking for myself, I have a very low tolerance for that crap and I make it very clear (firm not mean) that I will not be treated that way and if they cannot handle it then it is on them not me.0 -
perhaps you need to come up with one statement that you say to her each and every time she puts you down (in a nice way or a nasty way).
something like, "if you don't have something positive to say, don't say it".
or "wow mum, you really hurt my feelings when you said that".
figure it out, and repeat it, exactly the same comment every single time she tries to beat you down with her little daggers (words). Once she hears the repetition, surely it's gotta click with her.
like my mum used to say "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all".0 -
I am soo sorry that some of our family members or friends want to rain on our parade. My mom is the same way. Thank God we dont live near each other. She tries to sabotage me all the time. She knows I am trying to make changes in my eating habits and pushes food on me anyways. I can I tell you that if I hear one more person say that youll never be a certain size because your genes make you big...I swear ill scream!! I dont understand why they feel the need to be that way. Jealousy maybe. Let that however fuel you to push harder than ever. I have started laughing at some of the stupid comments my mom makes to me. I used to cry cause it hurt me so bad. She bought me some dress pants for Christmas and held them out and said these are some big a%% pants, do you think they will fit or are they too small. Hell they look like parachute pants. Laugh or cry....hmmmm I say to myself you just wait...youll see I WILL DO THIS...!!0
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Me and my sister don't take it either. That's why Mom will go on and on sometimes about how her daughters don't like her. Well... she didn't give us much of a choice. Can't help it if you treat your oldest daughter like crap and then have a ball and chain on your younger daughter ... who is an adult. She's the victim though. That's how it always works. You just sorta get used to it and do your best to stay away from her.0
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I'm not so sure my mom's jealous, but sounds similar to that. I've just started my long, journey, but I've lost ten lbs and I told my mom she should do something about getting healthy as well. She got mad at me and told me what was I doing about my health. I told her, well I'm working on it. She dismissed my current weight loss and said, Oh please, just those ten lbs. That really hurt. We got over it and I know my mom has her moments, and she's constantly telling me before that she'd like to see me healthier, but not that I'm trying to, she isn't being much actual support. She brings all types of stuff home, eats anything in front of me and disregards my different eating habits by saying oh its ok, you can have this, or one time you do this, you'll be fine, things like that. And I know for myself, I should just not have a bite, because it'll be harder for me to stay away.0
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I am soo sorry that some of our family members or friends want to rain on our parade. My mom is the same way. Thank God we dont live near each other. She tries to sabotage me all the time. She knows I am trying to make changes in my eating habits and pushes food on me anyways. I can I tell you that if I hear one more person say that youll never be a certain size because your genes make you big...I swear ill scream!! I dont understand why they feel the need to be that way. Jealousy maybe. Let that however fuel you to push harder than ever. I have started laughing at some of the stupid comments my mom makes to me. I used to cry cause it hurt me so bad. She bought me some dress pants for Christmas and held them out and said these are some big a%% pants, do you think they will fit or are they too small. Hell they look like parachute pants. Laugh or cry....hmmmm I say to myself you just wait...youll see I WILL DO THIS...!!
I'm sorry she did that to you. I think the main reason my mom never really made comments when I was big was because she was big too. Now, I've lost a lot of weight and she's still where she's always been so she makes comments about being "too skinny" or makes comments about being obsessed and such. Whatever, I know people say that "Mother knows best" but sometimes that's just not the case.0 -
Old habits are hard to break. I'm experiencing some of the same stuff. Don't you want a cookie or some ice cream? Mmmmm. We just have to over look it and go on.0
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People find it very, very frightening when you do something to change an old, established pattern. Your mom is used to you being fat like her. She is afraid of the changes that will inevitably occur if you insist on going ahead with this wild, crazy, wacky new course of action. (And of course you will go ahead, won't you? Stay strong!) She doesn't know what it will mean if you change. Will you still want to be with her? Will you abandon her? Will you want to do different things from the things you have always done? Will SHE have to change HER ways?! The mere thought of you really changing pretty much has her in a complete tizzy, I bet.
So yeah. Perhaps without even knowing what she's doing, she is doing what we call "change-back behavior." This is quite usual, actually, and it happens to almost everyone who is trying to change a long-established pattern: the other people in the pattern will typically put out some change-back behavior.
All your mom really needs to know is that you still love her and you always will. That will help her calm down as you transition to your new lifestyle. But you don't need to put up with any crap. Just stay polite and kind. Just say, "no thank you" to the bad foods, or "I'm not really hungry right now." You are your own person, so don't let her control your emotions.0 -
I know how you feel. My mom wants to lose weight and we talked about what I'm doing. She says she should only eat 1200 calories and I'm like no way can you eat that few calories, you'll be starving. Then she goes on and on about carbs and proteins and I just don't know how to track it all and what it all means. I told her to get on here and track her food but it's "I'm not good on the computer." I told her I'd teach her but she has yet to take me up on the offer. She also mentioned a diet pill which I was all "NO WAY!" I even said we should go to the local college and work out a few times together a week. It's always nice to workout with someone else. I told her when she's serious about losing weight, call me, we can do it together. Still waiting for that call.
Last weekend we went out for lunch after my husband's graduation and she proceeded to order deep friend shrimp which came as a heaping plate full, probably 12-14 shrimp and ate the whole thing and could tell she as absolutely stuffed afterwards. Really mom? You want to lose weight?? She has so many health issues that would go away if she'd just make the commitment.
What probably hurt me the most is that she didn't even notice any difference in me. I've lost inches and pounds, how could my mother not notice? So frustrating!0 -
Yea, she's always had a rather strained relationship with my sister while she tries to control the heck out of me. But then she just doesn't seem to understand why I'm moving 4 hours away from her.
Hmmm... That sounds like the healthiest lifestyle change you'll make in your life.
I'm sorry you have to deal with her passive aggressiveness, but it's good that you can see it for what it is and are working to get out of the toxic environment. 0 -
Honestly speaking, my mother is just as horrible. For a list of reasons in addition to this, I stopped visiting her altogether. Its been almost a year. I dont need the negativity. I have enough of challenges in my life to work on and deal with and she is one less person in the picture.
Related or not, they have no right treating you like garbage.0 -
I sympathize with you...after getting on MFP...reading people's struggles with family not being supportive...im starting to think my mom doesnt want me to lose weight.
Just the other day i talked to her on skype and she sounded so condescending when i talked about finally starting to lose weight . She turned the conversation back to her again.
i love her but i so dont trust her ....she seems to try to sabotage my every effort and each time i see her, she tries to 'feed me up' and then make horribly nasty comments about my weight.
something about moms and daughters.....i wonder why i get along so brilliantly with my dad.:frown:
and i live half way across the world from my parents!0 -
CONGRATULATIONS on losing all that weight! Sorry your mom is crazy. I think lots of people deal with this, to differing extremes... you are right about people who are always the victim, it always comes back to being your fault somehow. It makes it very difficult to take these sorts of people seriously.0
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Honestly speaking, my mother is just as horrible. For a list of reasons in addition to this, I stopped visiting her altogether. Its been almost a year. I dont need the negativity. I have enough of challenges in my life to work on and deal with and she is one less person in the picture.
Related or not, they have no right treating you like garbage.
This right here.
It took me lots of therapy to realize that I don't have to tolerate family when they are being downright mean and nasty.
You can choose how much or how little you want your mom in your life. If it takes you to say "Thanks, but my weight loss and methods aren't up for debate" - than so be it. I have family members that have health issues, but they don't do anything about it. It's frustrating, but there's really nothing you can do.
I tell my friends that right now I'm working on making MYSELF better, a better version of ME and *kitten* everyone else. I want to be a great example to my kids and am using the negative in my life to help me build healthy relationships with both of my children.
Good luck!0 -
I can only sympathise. My mum is exactly the same. I am lucky enough she lives 5000 miles away from me and we only meet once a year (read she arrives next week). Needless to say I am not looking forward to all the nagging malarkey :-/0
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I sympathize with you...after getting on MFP...reading people's struggles with family not being supportive...im starting to think my mom doesnt want me to lose weight.
Just the other day i talked to her on skype and she sounded so condescending when i talked about finally starting to lose weight . She turned the conversation back to her again.
i love her but i so dont trust her ....she seems to try to sabotage my every effort and each time i see her, she tries to 'feed me up' and then make horribly nasty comments about my weight.
something about moms and daughters.....i wonder why i get along so brilliantly with my dad.:frown:
and i live half way across the world from my parents!
The ones we love can be the kindest and the most cruel. They know where are sensitive places are. Stay true to your goals and just do it for you. She will catch on when she sees your committment. All the best!0 -
First of all -- congratulations on the progress. And wish you all the best for continued success.
Depending on the family culture -- some mothers take their role as "nurturing & feeding" to mean that if they don't give you all the food they think you should eat and spoil you on that front, they are not doing their "job".
For babies & growing children -- that is a normal pattern and leads to some good memories of "Mom's cooking".
As you grow older -- this change of role, where they are no longer able to "mother you" the same way, is sometimes hard to process.
What I would do is sit down (on a happy day) with mother and frankly talk to her about the goals you have. And at the same time let them know you love that they care about you, and always will want them to care.
Sometimes what also helps is if you take charge of some of the groceries and cooking. Make healthy choices for both of you.0 -
Isn't it weird that so many people who are overweight have family issues? Usually the mother?
I know for me, my mom is very...controlling. I have 2 other sisters and a brother but to me it seems like she only pulls this crap on me. Her and my sister will get on a diet and weight loss kick and so seriously over board. She once told me she had had only 400 calories that day and most of it was from coffee creamer...and she was PROUD of this. It made me sick really. And they would get fat free everything...not really understanding that fat free does not mean sugar free. And they would go out walking 3-5 miles EVERY DAY, even if they hurt. Even if it was raining. Even if it was cold...even if it was cold AND raining.
And I tried to explain to her that you have to eat a certain amount of calories a day. And how fat free does not mean fat free all the time. And that it is OKAY to take a day off if your body is hurting and in pain.
I told her she could log calories on here. She said I don't have time to sit around on the computer all day like you. That isn't going to make you lose weight. I said Well, this is how I do it. I personally need people to motivate me, to keep me going. I need that team work.
And I told her about BMR..and she says in this snide voice "How's that working for you? Let me know if you lose anything."
My mother is a recovered anorexic bulimic. When she was 17 she dropped down very fast in weight. I think in her mind...the less you eat, the more you do is taken to extreme. Yes I am all for the less you eat, the more you do...but eating less as in junk food, as in pizza, as in fast foods...Not eating less foods in general.
My mother is a know it all and stubborn. So if you disagree with her, get ready for a head butting match.
And she still gets hurt feelings when I refuse to move back to the same town as her. REALLY?
Even better..my dad told me, about 4 years ago...You won't make it to 30. We better start measuring you now because we will have to special order a coffin for you....
So how is that for support and love?0 -
You're not alone in this unfortunately!
My mom does the same thing and even criticized me as a parent because I was "taking time away from my daughter to exercise"
She's also made passive remarks about my smoking and actually, direct ones as well. "If you can't handle the stress of quitting, maybe you shouldn't" That was 3mos ago and I'm still smoke free
Just ignore it and maybe creating some space and distance is for the best.0 -
Alright, my mom is obese but doesn't look bad or anything. My sister and I are both working to get healthier. Problem is that Mom is very passive aggressive towards me and my weight loss and working out. She doesn't bother my sister about it cause Mom knows that my sister won't take it and they don't see each other as frequently.
Odd thing is Mom is ALWAYS bragging about our weight loss to her friends but then she acts out when it's just me and her. For instance, she'll offer me treats or leave them out where I can see them to try and tempt me and then gets annoyed at me for rejecting her offers. The most recent passive aggressive event was when she bought be this little sweater in a large. That was nice of her and everything and she explained that she got me a large because I have broad shoulders. Okay, fine. I understand that, I do have broad shoulders. However, before I even tried it on (I knew it would fit), she went and bought the EXACT same thing in a size larger ... just in case my shoulders were too broad.... Okay, I can fit shirts in smalls and mediums. My shoulders are not THAT large. WTH? I told her I wasn't that big and she got mad at me. I think she internalized this information as me saying that people that wear those sizes (large and extra large) are automatically big. I don't think that. My shoulders are NOT that broad though.
Mom also swore up and down that I would never be able to reach a size small because women in our family always have large chests and broad shoulders. My chest reduced though and when I told her that she was wrong, she just dismissed it.
She only makes nice comments when other people are around. She's very narcissistic and everything is about her. So if me and my sister are losing weight ... it's not about us, it's about how bad that makes HER look. Me and my sister talk about weight loss all the time and Mom asked my sister what she's doing to lose weight. My sister told her that she was eating better and trying to be more active then all the excitement in Mom went away. She doesn't want to watch what she eats or figure out an exercise regime for herself. That's fine, but don't be a jerk to your daughters that have made the choice to better to their bodies.
Deary you need to spend less time with Mom!!!!!!!!0 -
I can I tell you that if I hear one more person say that youll never be a certain size because your genes make you big...I swear ill scream!! I dont understand why they feel the need to be that way. Jealousy maybe.
They want to believe that so they don't have to take any responsibility for themselves. Why try if you'll always be fat, right?
It really irks them to see you proving them wrong. :flowerforyou:0 -
My mother spent the whole of my life making me feel bad about myself & my weight. I did not look so bad when I was a teenager & young 20s but ate into the fatness thing as I thought I already was.......until I got to over 300lb. Continuously Mum just kept having a go!! I have now lost 86lb & Mum spent the last year of her life unable to say anything about how I looked as she was just plain unable to say something nice! She died last month & I will not miss her barbs and unkindness but it was just as she was. As for me, I am enjoying life & the only person I listen to is me and anyone who says positive stuff!
Keep at it girl & tune out the negative!0 -
I sympathize with you...after getting on MFP...reading people's struggles with family not being supportive...im starting to think my mom doesnt want me to lose weight.
Just the other day i talked to her on skype and she sounded so condescending when i talked about finally starting to lose weight . She turned the conversation back to her again.
i love her but i so dont trust her ....she seems to try to sabotage my every effort and each time i see her, she tries to 'feed me up' and then make horribly nasty comments about my weight.
something about moms and daughters.....i wonder why i get along so brilliantly with my dad.:frown:
and i live half way across the world from my parents!
The ones we love can be the kindest and the most cruel. They know where are sensitive places are. Stay true to your goals and just do it for you. She will catch on when she sees your committment. All the best!
Thank you
youre right about those we love hurting us the most. grr:sick: have learned to not show her that im hurt. THAT took half my life:laugh: 0 -
Yea, it's crazy "Mother Dearest" always asks me to help her get "on track" with her diet when I come home from college but once I come home ... she never mentions it again. She swears up and down that she barely eats. A normal serving of whatever for lunch and then just a small snack for dinner because she doesn't have time.
Unfortunately for her, I'm not dumb. She's a closet eater. She absolutely does not understand nutrition at all. I don't think she understands that a tiny piece of food might have a large amount of calories connected to it (like cheese). I don't tell her any problems with my weight loss because she'll just act like I have an eating disorder or something.
Truthfully, I only stay around because she still supports me to a certain extent. Luckily, I graduate from college soon so I'll be able to get a job easier in the area I'm interested in. She's scared to death of that too. I'm pretty sure she'd be perfectly happy if I just stayed home and bummed of her and Dad for the rest of my life. This would mean that she could have a say in my every action. She about had a conniption when I got my car (cause she couldn't control where I went).
Crazy woman.... I'm pretty blunt with her when I don't like what she says or does. She's so opinionated ... yet knows nothing about the topics that she's opinionated about. I've learned from her to keep my mouth shut if I don't understand the subject backwards and forwards.0
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