Help Me Understand a 'Can't Do' Attitude?

runnercheryl

I'm aware this may come across as arrogant, that's obviously not what I'm aiming for. I need help understanding a 'can't do' attitude, and what support I can offer.

I've always been a pro-active, can-do person. I have very high self-esteem and self-worth, I'm totally happy with my life and I consider myself very successful. That's just me. It's the way I am, and I find it hard to imagine being any other way. If I want something, I go out and get it. If there's something I'm not entirely happy with, I change it. I love who I am.

It turns out, my fiance isn't in the same position. As long as I've known him, he's been the type of person who 'can't be bothered' or can't find the motivation. That would be fine with me, if he were happy that way. The more we talk lately, the more we're coming to terms with the idea that he isn't completely happy. However, as he's admitted himself, he just doesn't have motivation, inspiration or the desire to do anything. This seems to extend to all aspects of his life, and he's now said he feels like he doesn't really have his own identity and would like to.

It's something I can't fathom, but I know we're all here for different reasons and I wonder if some of you are similar? His lack of motivation extends to weight loss, and I'm sure there are some here who've felt that way - wanted to do something, but not had the motivation for whatever reason. As I say, I don't mean to sound arrogant, I'd just like to understand that mindset and how I can help. I've offered monetary incentive so far, mainly - rewards for walking miles, offers to pay for courses and activities so he can find something he's passionate about. I know I can't get motivated FOR him, in any aspect of his life, but are there things I've not thought of? Not just incentives, but ways to help someone find their identity? All ideas welcome!

LiddyBit

Does he have some sort of depression or similar condition? Because there really isn't anything to "understand." Or at least, medicine doesn't quite understand it yet so it's not likely anyone can explain it to you.

runnercheryl

Does he have some sort of depression or similar condition? Because there really isn't anything to "understand." Or at least, medicine doesn't quite understand it yet so it's not likely anyone can explain it to you.

No, no depression. More just that he finds excuses or reasons why he won't like something, why it's a waste of his time. Anything from 'I'm addicted to food' (so was I, and once I realised I wasn't happy with that I changed it), to 'I want to do a certain hobby, but I'd probably find it boring/not like the people' etc. It's just a different mindset to my own - I can't understand, as I've said to him, not being entirely happy with something and yet not taking steps to change it.

As far as looking to understand it goes, I'm not looking for some incredible insight, but I don't imagine he's the only person who's felt (for want of a better word) lazy, and like they're drifting and don't have their own identity. I'm sure others have felt the same, and I'm sure some are on here making their own changes. I'm just looking to have ideas thrown at me - things we might have missed.

PinkEarthMama

I agree - this isn't something you can do for him, incentives or otherwise.

Encourage him to follow his passions and make them his happy places. If he has a hobby, encourage it. Does he have friends? Let him go out more.

When my husband and I got together, I didn't really have an identity either. I felt like " So & So's Wife " or " Kid's Mama " but I didn't really feel like me. Lose weight? Meh. Make friends? Bah. I just hadn't found ME, and kind of felt stagnant.

What I did do was force myself to follow my " dreams ". I've always wanted to be popular.... so I found a Mama's Group, made friends, and suddenly... I *was* popular. I've always wanted to be more earth friendly, so I did that... and found a lot of happiness in it. I decided to learn to sew, and now I have a side business sewing expensive purses and diaper bags. Having success at my " wants " really gave me the confidence I needed to define who I am.

It was really hard on Hubby though - he is not earth friendly. He's not all that social with my group. He has no interest in my fabric collection. We have different interests and as I grew into my own personality, we struggled with the " You aren't the person I married..." Not that we didn't love each other, but I am certainly not the person I was 5 years ago.

wackyfunster

Usually it's either one of two things:
1) the person feels like they SHOULD do something, but don't really WANT to do it
2) deep down, they don't believe that they CAN do it

For #1 there is nothing you can do, and trying will just waste your time and frustrate your friend
For #2, lead by example if you can. If not, non-confrontationally educating them, giving them precise steps/instructions (ambiguity is killer for people lacking self confidence), examples of people they see as similar to themselves who have succeeded, etc. can be very helpful. Typically people in this situation will start really enjoying things and doing great once they get going and see that they CAN do it

runnercheryl

I agree - this isn't something you can do for him, incentives or otherwise.

Encourage him to follow his passions and make them his happy places. If he has a hobby, encourage it. Does he have friends? Let him go out more.

This is the thing. He doesn't really have a hobby, aside from gaming, and when there are no new games he gets bored. I drive him the half-hour journey to see his friends whenever he wants, but they've always been into going out and drinking and now are growing up. His best friend is becoming a dad any time now, and his other good friend is now in a relationship with an eight year old step-son. We're very 'settled' people, but I guess despite the fact that neither of us want a child for the next few years (he's even more against the idea than I am), we are being 'left behind' socially. I've encouraged him to go out and meet new people, and have said I'll give him the money to go out, but he's not keen on making new friends.

When my husband and I got together, I didn't really have an identity either. I felt like " So & So's Wife " or " Kid's Mama " but I didn't really feel like me. Lose weight? Meh. Make friends? Bah. I just hadn't found ME, and kind of felt stagnant.

What I did do was force myself to follow my " dreams ". I've always wanted to be popular.... so I found a Mama's Group, made friends, and suddenly... I *was* popular. I've always wanted to be more earth friendly, so I did that... and found a lot of happiness in it. I decided to learn to sew, and now I have a side business sewing expensive purses and diaper bags. Having success at my " wants " really gave me the confidence I needed to define who I am.

It was really hard on Hubby though - he is not earth friendly. He's not all that social with my group. He has no interest in my fabric collection. We have different interests and as I grew into my own personality, we struggled with the " You aren't the person I married..." Not that we didn't love each other, but I am certainly not the person I was 5 years ago.

That's wonderful news! I guess it reinforces, though, that there's so little I can offer as advice to him. You forced yourself to do these things, and he knows as well as I that he needs to force himself, too - hm...I really don't think there is anything I can do. I just can't understand how he seems SO enthusiastic about certain things he'd love to do, but when I find a way to fund them he decides they're too much effort. He doesn't understand it either. He just says he feels like he's got no drive or self-motivation.