Anyone else with a sabotaging partner?
MooMooooo
Posts: 306 Member
Hi, My husband sabotages my weightloss efforts.
I've confronted him about this many times - the only answer he has is that he doesn't want me to 'get skinny' and run off with another man. :huh:
Ridiculous.
It's gotten to the point where I'm really angry:explode: (I've been trying to lose weight for years and this issue arises several times a year)
At the moment we are fighting because he brought takeaway home 2 nights in a row after I asked him *nicely* to not bring junk into the house. (He is welcome to sit in any restaurant and eat anything he likes)
** Please note - when I asked him not to bring junk home I was VERY CLEAR that it included all forms of takeaway.
We *agreed* on this rule literally DAYS ago.
I am frustrated beyond belief.
FYI. I didn't eat any takeaway - but yeah, it's tough, and I don't need the lack of support.
I've confronted him about this many times - the only answer he has is that he doesn't want me to 'get skinny' and run off with another man. :huh:
Ridiculous.
It's gotten to the point where I'm really angry:explode: (I've been trying to lose weight for years and this issue arises several times a year)
At the moment we are fighting because he brought takeaway home 2 nights in a row after I asked him *nicely* to not bring junk into the house. (He is welcome to sit in any restaurant and eat anything he likes)
** Please note - when I asked him not to bring junk home I was VERY CLEAR that it included all forms of takeaway.
We *agreed* on this rule literally DAYS ago.
I am frustrated beyond belief.
FYI. I didn't eat any takeaway - but yeah, it's tough, and I don't need the lack of support.
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Replies
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Yep, totally understand the way you feel. I got "told off" once or twice for measuring how much I ate or even weighing the grams. Are you freaking serious? Now all I ask for is to be left alone & let me do it this way so then I can lose weight.
As for the run off with another man...... use the line I did. I'm getting skinny so you don't run off with another woman. I said that the other day, it actually made him smile lol.0 -
He's feeling insecure and needs reassurance. Mine does exactly the same bringing me large bars of chocolate etc. I don't have the magic answer but you just have to keep to your course and help him figure out you're not doing it to run off with another person.0
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Well, Its better than having a partner who tells you too. I would rather him not support me than tell me I HAVE TO.
Also, it so doesn't really help that he's skinny as hell and ALWAYS eats truckloads of junk food and could live off McDonalds. -.-0 -
I think they start to feel insecure as you lose the weight because they see other men suddenly checking you out! I told my husband he should take it as a compliment, that other men find HIS wife attractive... they are jealous of HIM and that should make him proud not insecure. I then add that if I was going to leave him I would have done it years ago!
Keep going on your journey, eventually he will see that you are happy and more confident and in turn he will benefit from your loss as well!0 -
I understand your frustration. My wife is always hinting at eating out or getting icecream or other junk foods, It makes me feel bad and I tend to give in, but later I regret it since I end up cheating my diet. I was doing great but lately Its been rough. Be honest with him about how it makes you feel, that is the biggest thing you can do. At least you can say you tried get get him to understand the way it makes you feel. Even though sometimes no matter how hard you try it don't help, Trust me I go through this daily, and not just over food. I wish you the best.I think they start to feel insecure as you lose the weight because they see other men suddenly checking you out! I told my husband he should take it as a compliment, that other men find HIS wife attractive... they are jealous of HIM and that should make him proud not insecure. I then add that if I was going to leave him I would have done it years ago!
Keep going on your journey, eventually he will see that you are happy and more confident and in turn he will benefit from your loss as well!
Wow....I never thought of that myself.... I have noticed women "watching" me and it kinda creeped me out since I am not used it. But in all honesty don't it make more sense to try to do things to make him/her feel special about their progress instead of acting like it is a bad thing? I sound like a Woman (no offence), I swear I was born the wrong gender....Ugh.0 -
As frustrating as it is, It's actually kinda nice that he's being honest with you about why you losing weight makes him nervous.
Emphasize to him that you want to get healthier (not just skinnier/sexier) so that you can be with him for a long, long time.
Also, he might doubly not like the fact that you want to lose weight because it sounds like you're not only trying to change *your* eating habits, but his as well. If you're really doing this for your own health, just say "no" to the junk he's bringing in (I know it's not easy!). If you're consistent with that, he'll (hopefully) eventually get the message and stop trying to bring you stuff that doesn't fit into your eating plan.0 -
As frustrating as it is, It's actually kinda nice that he's being honest with you about why you losing weight makes him nervous.
Emphasize to him that you want to get healthier (not just skinnier/sexier) so that you can be with him for a long, long time.
Your post was well said, It made me want to talk to my wife about it to see if that is part of her concern. I will then assure her that I am a one man show and that she has the only ticket.
Thanks0 -
Pfft, I'd be telling him he's more at risk of you running off with someone else with that behaviour than when you are skinny!0
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I am in the same boat. My wife highly encouraged me to join MFP for logging my food, which I did... then she STOPS logging, stops visiting the site. Always bringing "crap" into the house "for the kids", She wants to take the "kids" out for ice cream. She also wants to eat out a lot. And when the choice is a $9 salad or a $9 dinner.... I don't like choosing the salad.
I know it's a matter of willpower and I have to do this for ME, and all these decisions are MINE, but a little encouragement would help. I have lost 20 & gained 30 way too many times.0 -
I don't think my hubby does it intensionally, but right now, our willpower to say "no" to each other is pretty low. So I have to focus on what I'm here to do. Vacations don't help either, and I don't want him to feel like he's suffering because of a choice I am making. Oh well...0
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As already said, the REAL problem is underlying: he's insecure and you think there's no grounding for it... unfortunately there probably is. You need to talk to him about it and be sure to ask enough questions to get to the root cause of his feelings.
Don't talk down to him or ridicule anything, no matter how small, while he talks about it or he'll shut down... men don't do feelings very well.0 -
In my old age and years of dieting, I finally realized that no one else sabotages you but you. So he brings junk in. Is he holding a gun to your head to make you eat it? No. Will Power. I have a husband and a son who eat food I don't. I don't consider it sabotage. It builds my will power. No one makes me eat it. Build up your will power and get over your anger. Those are feelings that keep us fat. Resentment, anger, insecurity. He has his insecurities and you have yours. But he is not sabotaging you - you are. Stop it and get on with it.0
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In my old age and years of dieting, I finally realized that no one else sabotages you but you. So he brings junk in. Is he holding a gun to your head to make you eat it? No. Will Power. I have a husband and a son who eat food I don't. I don't consider it sabotage. It builds my will power. No one makes me eat it. Build up your will power and get over your anger. Those are feelings that keep us fat. Resentment, anger, insecurity. He has his insecurities and you have yours. But he is not sabotaging you - you are. Stop it and get on with it.
I understand what you're saying but especially in the beginning of a diet it can be very painful when you're restricting your calories.
You're hungry, you're starving, you're moody and can resist anything but temptation.
We all need support sometimes, it's not unreasonable to request it from the people you live with, especially considering how tough weight loss really is.0 -
As already said, the REAL problem is underlying: he's insecure and you think there's no grounding for it... unfortunately there probably is.
Well, I am very loyal but he has been cheated on before - so I'm guessing his insecurity stems from that.
It's a shame he never got over it.0 -
First of all, well done for not giving in and eating the take-away and for standing up for what you want to do. Besides eating well to loose weight most people are choosing a healthy lifestyle so that their bodies are healthy and they will live a long and healthy life. Maybe if you tell your husband that this is the reason as well as wanting to loose weight he will understand that it is more than just wanting to look skinny.
Im not sure what I would do in that situation but ultimately its your body and what you put into it is up to you, not him.0 -
Is he holding a gun to your head to make you eat it? No. Will Power.
&We all need support sometimes, it's not unreasonable to request it from the people you live with, especially considering how tough weight loss really is.
This is exactly what we ALL need to remember, We are in control of our actions. If I tell my daughter to clean her room and she don't she gets in trouble, If I tell myself to eat healthy and I don't I get my health in trouble. But like the 2nd quote says there is nothing wrong with asking for help and support, Think of how it can apply in other places such as; dating, car trouble, lost while driving, addictions.....I am going to pause on that one, Did you know that the 2 most common addictions are things most people would never consider? FOOD and Caffeine, I will admit both are very addictive I can start my day on an empty stomach but I don't function til I have had my energy drink (not like red bull more like energy kool-aid).0 -
Im in the same boat as everyone else! My husband is 6'2 140lbs and he is always trying to eat out at chinese or an all you can eat buffet. I need to lose atleast 100lbs more. His dad is even worse, he constantly brings cookies, cakes, and junk into my house for my kids. Ive finally gotten to the point where Ive started yelling at them and throwing the stuff away infront of them.
My husband fave thing to say is but my worm(stomach), my worm this, my worm that. Its hard not to drop kick his sometimes
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I have a wife who puts chocolate in the salad draw in our fridge she thinks chocolate is a vegetable! but she 's lovely.0
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There's always going to be at least one person who doesn't understand how you feel about your weight loss. I have some people who support me and others who don't.
My parents bring in junk sometimes, but I understand that's just how they eat and I don't have to eat it just because they are. You can't deprive them of their choices, that's their own thing, just like what you eat is yours.
You may feel enticed to eat the fried, greasy food, but that's when you have to get tough and...Make yourself a salad! Lmao jk, but something tasty that is also good for you. Put your foot down and just say no!
A good tip for getting around family pressuring you to eat unhealthy is to throw it back in their face! (Not literally hahaha)...Prepare a healthy, tasty home-cooked meal and encourage your "non-believers" to enjoy it with you. Keep on saying how good it tastes, how great it smells, etc. Sooner or later you'll make something they will have to try.
Also don't project the word "skinny" as well as "thin" (psychologically speaking) it's a negative word...Just like the word "no"...It's better to reach for "lean", "healthy", "toned"1 -
I've confronted him about this many times - the only answer he has is that he doesn't want me to 'get skinny' and run off with another man. :huh:
This is what I'm going through. I was really pissed off when he said it to me, now I just ignore it and do my thing. I'm losing weight for me and if he can't handle it then oh well.
Best of luck 0 -
Your husband is definitely insecure - not just about himself but it seems he's also insecure about your relationship. Maybe inviting him to go on walks with you or go to the gym with you, prepare healthy meals together, etc. will help him see that you want him to be an active participant in the journey toward a healthier you. Not to mention, a healthier you may mean that you feel more confident and sexy, which may steam things up in the bedroom (unless they're superb already, I don't know). I think when you share the experience with him, instead of feeling like you're doing this independently, he may feel like less of an outsider. Part of his insecurity may stem in the fact that he doesn't feel included. I don't know if your husband is in shape or not, but it could be that he also feels ashamed because you're eating well and he's still stuffing his face with junk food. The man is very insecure. Although he should know you're not interested in other men already (after all, you did marry the guy) sometimes our partners still need a bit of reassurance.
If after all of this, your husband still acts this way, I would suggest he speak to a therapist, or you both see a marriage counselor together. It sounds like the problems in the relationship extend beyond merely sabotaging your weight loss. It may be a bit deeper than that.
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As for me, I am really glad this topic was posted. My partner eats horribly and while I often place the blame for my over-indulgences on him, the blame actually is on me. I could choose to eat something else or not at all, but I tell myself it's okay in those moments and then regret it later. When he sees me eating well, going to the gym, and losing weight, he'll want to start following in my footsteps as well. After 6+ years with the man, I know his personality by now.
It's time that I stop making excuses for my own failures. 0 -
I think people should remember that food is sometimes used as a communication/social tool, and a way that some people show love. Before someone in a relationship decides to lose weight, they are on the same page as their partner in eating habits. Now common sense says that trying to lose weight is a good thing, and everyone should want to do it. However, when you all of the sudden decide that "hey, I'm going to lose weight", a bond has been shaken between you and your partner, and the changes can be difficult to deal with. Also, you are the one that made a decision to lose weight. That was you, not them. So even though it is hard, be understanding when they are still eating take out. It's really difficult to point the finger at yourself, and they know that eventually that's what it will take...dealing with their own issues. The best thing to do is to build the will power, be strong, and march to a different drum. Blaze the trail, and lead by example. I think it was Gandhi that said, "Be the change you want to see."0
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Yes, sometimes I feel sabotaged and tempted. Though I believe he does not set out to do it, he just doesn't realize how hard it makes it for me when I have to stare at his yummy goodness foods in the cabinet or fridge, despite telling him it makes it tempting sometimes, despite saying I wish we would stop buying _____.
In the end I am responsible for me and the poor choices that I make are my own fault, but it doesn't help when I have a very willing partner in crime who is totally on board to indulge in my poor choices. I wish sometimes he would just say no, that we don't need that. I'm not trying to blame him but sometimes he does not make it easy.0 -
My husband is a "junk food junkie", he is always bringing the stuff into the house. I really struggled in the beginning, but I have come to realize that I choose what I eat and I want this body I'm working on more than that crap. I hear almost everyday, you need to take a break today, you don't need to workout. So being sabatoged is a daily struggle for me! I make the choices that are best for me and tune out the rest. :flowerforyou:0
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Yes. Yes. I went through that after 10 years of marriage and 3 children. Don't sabotage yourself to get back at him. In the end, it is you who will pay the price, and the weight will be much harder to lose. It's human nature; I get it. Just realize that, in truth, he will be much happier if you are happy. He can't see that right now. He also can't see that his insecurities sow seed for a self-fulfilling prophecy. Stay strong. What you are doing will benefit him in ways he cannot forsee. Just remember that you have to be happy first--before you can make him happy. If you're not happy then he can never be truly happy.0
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Well, Its better than having a partner who tells you too. I would rather him not support me than tell me I HAVE TO.
Ugh, I don't think it's better. Both of those are awful scenarios. Why can't partners understand what being a partner entails?0 -
My fiance is the opposite. He says things like "how many calories in that?" "are you going to do any exercise today?". He says it in a nice-ish way kind of. Still annoys me though. He's like my conciense (sp).
I told him about this thread just now and he said "I don't have to worry about you running off with another man, no one else would put up with you, you're so annoying". He's a charmer is my lovely man.0 -
Frankly, I stopped dating men that treated me like that. I had 1 ex who tried to spoon feed me even though he knew I was trying to get healthy (and I was about 20 pounds heavier then at the very beginning of my journey). I thought it was "normal", until I talked to a couple of friends and saw what a real healthy relationship looked like.
A boyfriend or spouse who loves you and is secure in your relationship will support you. They are likely to nudge nicely at you to encourage you to eat healthy if that is your goal, or they might bring home ice cream if they know you're not being healthy this week.
I just think any kind of un-supportive behaviour points at something that needs to be addressed about the relationship. It's like a symptom.
I'm sorry you have to go through that
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